I Own a Restaurant

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Samuel L. ACKSYN: Feb 29, 2008

I tell people that I own a restaurant.

It�s not exactly true, at least in my opinion. The drat thing is a run down burger shack in a hick town in the rear end end of nowhere; does that really count as an actual �restaurant�? Despite that, people still treat me like some sort of amazing businessman, acting like I�m insanely rich or something. I�m not, it�s just that actually owning a business in this town, and making a OK profit, is so rare that I�m seen as a leading figure in the community.

Running a restaurant is so damned stressful, sometimes I can�t take it. You have to worry about the customer experience as well as the employees, the shipments, the food quality and everything. It�s a lot to deal with. The building it�s in is falling apart. It seems like every day we find another issue with the building that needs to be fixed and of course it�s always expensive.

It�s a popular restaurant, at least. There�s only a few in the entire town, and we get quite a few customers every day, as well as many regulars. It�s a fairly popular place to eat. My only real competition in this town is an even more run-down shack ran by this annoying rear end in a top hat whose ego is larger than he his. He constantly tries to compete with me and attacks my restaurant, but he�s never successful. No one eats there because his food is, honestly, complete trash.

That�s just the beginning of my problems. Not only do I have to deal with running a semi-successful restaurant and all that comes with that (I�ll have to tell the health inspector story sometime, that�s a doozy) but I have a daughter as well. She�s in her teens now, and I haven�t seen her mother in years; I don�t even know where her mother is. I�ve been trying to do everything myself, but it�s tough. She�s in her teens now, and I can�t connect with someone that age very well. She�s noticing boys more and more, but she constantly gets rejected, sadly.

To be blunt, she�s quite, eh, large. Fat. She weighs like hundreds of pounds more than I do and she�s so much younger. Not only that, but she�s always giving me grief over what she perceives as my �capitalistic tendencies�; I try to explain I�m a businessman but she doesn�t care. How does she think that food gets on our table? How does she think we can afford to live in our large house? It�s the business, dammit. Of course I�m capitalistic, as a businessman I have to be.

Not only that, but running the restaurant is incredibly stressful, my goddamn employees are a constant source of trouble.

The guy that runs the register is a pain in the rear end, an aspiring musician who thinks any day now he�ll make it big and become rich and successful and get out of this soul-sucking town and job, but honestly it�s not going to happen. His music sucks but his ego won�t let him see it. He thinks he�s the best in the whole world, even though most people tell him he�s poo poo.

He�s nothing, though, compared to the drat cook. This guy is something else, I swear. As an actual cook he�s fine, he can cook every dish pretty damned well and quickly and I have no complains with his actual cooking, it�s just everything else.

Like his laugh, for instance. At first I thought it was amusing. At first. But he laughs at goddamned everything! I can�t take hearing that laugh every day, all the damned time, it drives me nuts. He�s so strange, too. He says weird things that don�t always make sense, he does things that don�t make sense. He�s in his 30s, I think, but he doesn�t act it. He wears the same drat clothes everyday, and it�s not like we have a uniform or anything. He does seem to live alone, though, so I guess he can take care of himself well enough.

At least he likes me. He thinks I�m amazing, that I�m some sort of great person and businessman who only cares about the customers. It hurts to see his image of me, and then actually look at myself and see the disparity. He also thinks he�s friends with the cashier, but the cashier merely tolerates him at best. He really is a great cook, and always focuses on his job and cares about the customers more than probably anyone else that works in this dive.

Now, I don�t want to forget his idiot best friend. This guy, I don�t know, but it seems like he has some actual legit mental disability. On one hand, it�s nice of him to have such a friend, but on the other, I swear, I�m worried about the poor guy. He seems to live alone and doesn�t have any discernible income. He comes into the restaurant almost every day and stands there staring at the menu. I swear sometimes I can hear him let out a slow �dduhhhh� and start drooling slightly. And he orders the same drat thing everytime! What�s he even looking at the menu for?!

I tried to be a nice guy, though. Once I actually hired his dumb friend, at least for a bit. And get this, he couldn�t work because the god drat restaurant hat was too heavy! Who the hell can�t even wear a little hat?! Something is really wrong with that poor guy, I swear.

I can�t even begin to explain the constant insanity that is my life, it always seems like I�m dealing with some ridiculous situation constantly, usually caused by the damned cook and his crazy exploits. The one saving grace is that at least everyone loves my Krabby Patties.

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:06

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:16

Incomplete Fish: Apr 22, 2006; Grimey Drawer

59% of new restaurants fail within three years, not too unlike your posting OP.

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:08

Giraffe: Dec 12, 2005; Soiled Meat

Samuel L. ACKSYN posted:

I tell people that I own a restaurant.

It�s not exactly true, at least in my opinion. The drat thing is a run down burger shack in a hick town in the rear end end of nowhere; does that really count as an actual �restaurant�? Despite that, people still treat me like some sort of amazing businessman, acting like I�m insanely rich or something. I�m not, it�s just that actually owning a business in this town, and making a OK profit, is so rare that I�m seen as a leading figure in the community.

Running a restaurant is so damned stressful, sometimes I can�t take it. You have to worry about the customer experience as well as the employees, the shipments, the food quality and everything. It�s a lot to deal with. The building it�s in is falling apart. It seems like every day we find another issue with the building that needs to be fixed and of course it�s always expensive.

It�s a popular restaurant, at least. There�s only a few in the entire town, and we get quite a few customers every day, as well as many regulars. It�s a fairly popular place to eat. My only real competition in this town is an even more run-down shack ran by this annoying rear end in a top hat whose ego is larger than he his. He constantly tries to compete with me and attacks my restaurant, but he�s never successful. No one eats there because his food is, honestly, complete trash.

That�s just the beginning of my problems. Not only do I have to deal with running a semi-successful restaurant and all that comes with that (I�ll have to tell the health inspector story sometime, that�s a doozy) but I have a daughter as well. She�s in her teens now, and I haven�t seen her mother in years; I don�t even know where her mother is. I�ve been trying to do everything myself, but it�s tough. She�s in her teens now, and I can�t connect with someone that age very well. She�s noticing boys more and more, but she constantly gets rejected, sadly.

To be blunt, she�s quite, eh, large. Fat. She weighs like hundreds of pounds more than I do and she�s so much younger. Not only that, but she�s always giving me grief over what she perceives as my �capitalistic tendencies�; I try to explain I�m a businessman but she doesn�t care. How does she think that food gets on our table? How does she think we can afford to live in our large house? It�s the business, dammit. Of course I�m capitalistic, as a businessman I have to be.

Not only that, but running the restaurant is incredibly stressful, my goddamn employees are a constant source of trouble.

The guy that runs the register is a pain in the rear end, an aspiring musician who thinks any day now he�ll make it big and become rich and successful and get out of this soul-sucking town and job, but honestly it�s not going to happen. His music sucks but his ego won�t let him see it. He thinks he�s the best in the whole world, even though most people tell him he�s poo poo.

He�s nothing, though, compared to the drat cook. This guy is something else, I swear. As an actual cook he�s fine, he can cook every dish pretty damned well and quickly and I have no complains with his actual cooking, it�s just everything else.

Like his laugh, for instance. At first I thought it was amusing. At first. But he laughs at goddamned everything! I can�t take hearing that laugh every day, all the damned time, it drives me nuts. He�s so strange, too. He says weird things that don�t always make sense, he does things that don�t make sense. He�s in his 30s, I think, but he doesn�t act it. He wears the same drat clothes everyday, and it�s not like we have a uniform or anything. He does seem to live alone, though, so I guess he can take care of himself well enough.

At least he likes me. He thinks I�m amazing, that I�m some sort of great person and businessman who only cares about the customers. It hurts to see his image of me, and then actually look at myself and see the disparity. He also thinks he�s friends with the cashier, but the cashier merely tolerates him at best. He really is a great cook, and always focuses on his job and cares about the customers more than probably anyone else that works in this dive.

Now, I don�t want to forget his idiot best friend. This guy, I don�t know, but it seems like he has some actual legit mental disability. On one hand, it�s nice of him to have such a friend, but on the other, I swear, I�m worried about the poor guy. He seems to live alone and doesn�t have any discernible income. He comes into the restaurant almost every day and stands there staring at the menu. I swear sometimes I can hear him let out a slow �dduhhhh� and start drooling slightly. And he orders the same drat thing everytime! What�s he even looking at the menu for?!

I tried to be a nice guy, though. Once I actually hired his dumb friend, at least for a bit. And get this, he couldn�t work because the god drat restaurant hat was too heavy! Who the hell can�t even wear a little hat?! Something is really wrong with that poor guy, I swear.

I can�t even begin to explain the constant insanity that is my life, it always seems like I�m dealing with some ridiculous situation constantly, usually caused by the damned cook and his crazy exploits. The one saving grace is that at least everyone loves my Krabby Patties.

Same

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:09

Son of Rodney: Feb 22, 2006; ohmygodohmygodohmygod

found a picture of ops restaurant:

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:14

insulated staircase: Aug 21, 2014

you fucker...I read that whole thing...

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:14

ANIME IS BLOOD: Sep 4, 2008; by zen death robot

heh

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:17

TeamIce: Mar 16, 2004; LET JESUS FUCK YOU

initially thought op was pretending to be doobie

disappointed

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:22

Matey: Mar 28, 2008; eat food

a real jerk posted:

you fucker...I read that whole thing...

can you give me a tldr version

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:25

Stick Figure Mafia: Dec 11, 2004

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WwjUfM54ehE

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:28

Waltzing Along: Jun 14, 2008; There's only one
Human race
Many faces
Everybody belongs here

kill your daughter

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:30

insulated staircase: Aug 21, 2014

Matey posted:

can you give me a tldr version

i think he's spongebob

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:31

Dr. Video Games 0112: Jan 7, 2004; serious business

yo hook it up with some free fries

# ? Jun 21, 2015 22:38

Poland Spring: Sep 11, 2005

the movie Chef was like Bob's Burgers except not funny

# ? Jun 21, 2015 23:15

afkmacro: Mar 29, 2009

Link your yelp page so i can see pictures of the burgers. I only eat $20 burgers fyi

# ? Jun 21, 2015 23:22

Enfield: May 30, 2011; by Nyc_Tattoo

ive worked in restaurants all my life and am a drug addicted alcoholic with severe depression and suicidal tendencys but drat im god on saute

# ? Jun 21, 2015 23:24

etalian: Mar 20, 2006

it's no wonder that a majority of restaurants fail in the first 3 years...

# ? Jun 21, 2015 23:38

Waroduce: Aug 5, 2008

A cocain habit will help op

# ? Jun 21, 2015 23:54

Matey: Mar 28, 2008; eat food

a real jerk posted:

i think he's spongebob

ok thx

# ? Jun 22, 2015 00:06

Matey: Mar 28, 2008; eat food

op are you spongebob?

# ? Jun 22, 2015 00:06

ghlbtsk: Apr 19, 2005; these bath mats
are
GORGEOUS

Nice pitch, op.
Remember: when presenting the pilot to NBC, make sure to play up the wacky exploits of the cook.
For ABC focus on the employee relationships, censor the poo poo out of the jokes and whatever you do don't let the daughter get pregnant.
CBS likes flashbacks so edit in some back stories.
It's probably not animated, so don't even bother with Fox.

hth

# ? Jun 22, 2015 00:17

HOT! New Memes: May 31, 2006

Matey posted:

op are you spongebob?

No that's the cook

He's mr.crab with the whale daughter

# ? Jun 22, 2015 00:18

Matey: Mar 28, 2008; eat food

Taste the Rainbugh posted:

No that's the cook

He's mr.crab with the whale daughter

slam whale?

# ? Jun 22, 2015 00:19

HOT! New Memes: May 31, 2006

Matey posted:

slam whale?

Sure

# ? Jun 22, 2015 00:26

dad gay. so what: Feb 18, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

i like five guys burgers tbh hth

# ? Jun 22, 2015 00:38

praxis: Aug 1, 2003

I have watched way too much Spongebob for an adult.

# ? Jun 22, 2015 00:46

Return Of JimmyJars: Jun 24, 2006; by FactsAreUseless

SpongeBob is garbage for millennial children

# ? Jun 22, 2015 01:21

hot cocoa on the couch: Dec 8, 2009

I'll admit OP, I laughed way too hard at the punch line. Well done

e: even though the rest of GBS is a bunch of idiot fucker shitposting manchildren I appreciate this well crafted joke - if you wrote it that is

hot cocoa on the couch fucked around with this message at 01:27 on Jun 22, 2015

# ? Jun 22, 2015 01:25

I. M. Gei: Jun 26, 2005; CHIEFS

BITCH

My dad hates Spongebob and as a kid I stopped watching it because of that.

# ? Jun 22, 2015 01:26

Fog Tripper: Mar 3, 2008; by Smythe

ANIME IS BLOOD posted:

heh

Sokrateez posted:

I'll admit OP, I laughed way too hard at the punch line. Well done

e: even though the rest of GBS is a bunch of idiot fucker shitposting manchildren I appreciate this well crafted joke - if you wrote it that is

samea

# ? Jun 22, 2015 01:30

WAR CRIME GIGOLO: Oct 3, 2012; The Hague
tryna get me
for these glutes

Samuel L. ACKSYN posted:

I tell people that I own a restaurant.

It�s not exactly true, at least in my opinion. The drat thing is a run down burger shack in a hick town in the rear end end of nowhere; does that really count as an actual �restaurant�? Despite that, people still treat me like some sort of amazing businessman, acting like I�m insanely rich or something. I�m not, it�s just that actually owning a business in this town, and making a OK profit, is so rare that I�m seen as a leading figure in the community.

Running a restaurant is so damned stressful, sometimes I can�t take it. You have to worry about the customer experience as well as the employees, the shipments, the food quality and everything. It�s a lot to deal with. The building it�s in is falling apart. It seems like every day we find another issue with the building that needs to be fixed and of course it�s always expensive.

It�s a popular restaurant, at least. There�s only a few in the entire town, and we get quite a few customers every day, as well as many regulars. It�s a fairly popular place to eat. My only real competition in this town is an even more run-down shack ran by this annoying rear end in a top hat whose ego is larger than he his. He constantly tries to compete with me and attacks my restaurant, but he�s never successful. No one eats there because his food is, honestly, complete trash.

That�s just the beginning of my problems. Not only do I have to deal with running a semi-successful restaurant and all that comes with that (I�ll have to tell the health inspector story sometime, that�s a doozy) but I have a daughter as well. She�s in her teens now, and I haven�t seen her mother in years; I don�t even know where her mother is. I�ve been trying to do everything myself, but it�s tough. She�s in her teens now, and I can�t connect with someone that age very well. She�s noticing boys more and more, but she constantly gets rejected, sadly.

To be blunt, she�s quite, eh, large. Fat. She weighs like hundreds of pounds more than I do and she�s so much younger. Not only that, but she�s always giving me grief over what she perceives as my �capitalistic tendencies�; I try to explain I�m a businessman but she doesn�t care. How does she think that food gets on our table? How does she think we can afford to live in our large house? It�s the business, dammit. Of course I�m capitalistic, as a businessman I have to be.

Not only that, but running the restaurant is incredibly stressful, my goddamn employees are a constant source of trouble.

The guy that runs the register is a pain in the rear end, an aspiring musician who thinks any day now he�ll make it big and become rich and successful and get out of this soul-sucking town and job, but honestly it�s not going to happen. His music sucks but his ego won�t let him see it. He thinks he�s the best in the whole world, even though most people tell him he�s poo poo.

He�s nothing, though, compared to the drat cook. This guy is something else, I swear. As an actual cook he�s fine, he can cook every dish pretty damned well and quickly and I have no complains with his actual cooking, it�s just everything else.

Like his laugh, for instance. At first I thought it was amusing. At first. But he laughs at goddamned everything! I can�t take hearing that laugh every day, all the damned time, it drives me nuts. He�s so strange, too. He says weird things that don�t always make sense, he does things that don�t make sense. He�s in his 30s, I think, but he doesn�t act it. He wears the same drat clothes everyday, and it�s not like we have a uniform or anything. He does seem to live alone, though, so I guess he can take care of himself well enough.

At least he likes me. He thinks I�m amazing, that I�m some sort of great person and businessman who only cares about the customers. It hurts to see his image of me, and then actually look at myself and see the disparity. He also thinks he�s friends with the cashier, but the cashier merely tolerates him at best. He really is a great cook, and always focuses on his job and cares about the customers more than probably anyone else that works in this dive.

Now, I don�t want to forget his idiot best friend. This guy, I don�t know, but it seems like he has some actual legit mental disability. On one hand, it�s nice of him to have such a friend, but on the other, I swear, I�m worried about the poor guy. He seems to live alone and doesn�t have any discernible income. He comes into the restaurant almost every day and stands there staring at the menu. I swear sometimes I can hear him let out a slow �dduhhhh� and start drooling slightly. And he orders the same drat thing everytime! What�s he even looking at the menu for?!

I tried to be a nice guy, though. Once I actually hired his dumb friend, at least for a bit. And get this, he couldn�t work because the god drat restaurant hat was too heavy! Who the hell can�t even wear a little hat?! Something is really wrong with that poor guy, I swear.

I can�t even begin to explain the constant insanity that is my life, it always seems like I�m dealing with some ridiculous situation constantly, usually caused by the damned cook and his crazy exploits. The one saving grace is that at least everyone loves my Krabby Patties.

hosed up if true

# ? Jun 22, 2015 01:48

Enfield: May 30, 2011; by Nyc_Tattoo

crap goddamit. 5

# ? Jun 22, 2015 02:24

Amanda Huggensuck: Nov 8, 2012

this reads like a goony American pastoral op your daughter is going to bomb the post office

# ? Jun 22, 2015 03:11

The Bananana: May 21, 2008; This is a metaphor, a Christian allegory. The fact that I have to explain to you that Jesus is the Warthog, and the Banana is drepanocytosis is just embarrassing for you.

Really had me going, op

# ? Jun 22, 2015 03:20

Pissed Ape Sexist: Apr 19, 2008

Ooooooooooooooooh
The very first post was too long, didn't read
(SAM L ACKSYN)

# ? Jun 22, 2015 03:26

King of Bees: Dec 28, 2012; Gravy Boat 2k

Good job friend. 5

# ? Jun 22, 2015 04:22

solo humping pro: Jun 4, 2015

soooooooooooooooo turnedf on

# ? Jun 22, 2015 04:57

brick cow: Oct 22, 2008

i can't quite put my finger on it but there's something fishy about this story

# ? Jun 22, 2015 05:23

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 22:16

raton: Jul 28, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

I met a guy one time who told me he owned four restaurants.

Of course by "four restaurants" he meant "three Subway Sandwich Shops and a loan almost approved for a fourth."

# ? Jun 22, 2015 05:40

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