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zidane13
Jan 2, 2005

by Smythe
I wake up every morning to acid everywhere it shouldn't be, burning everything. I only eat almonds. Is this related?

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Sophy Wackles
Dec 17, 2000

> access main security grid
access: PERMISSION DENIED.





No, drink some warm almond milk before bed.

Flynn Taggart
Jun 14, 2006

I'm on the toilet, right now, pooping and posting

Al Cowens
Aug 11, 2004

by WE B Bourgeois
How hard is it to get some knockoff beano-type enzyme supplement

naem
May 29, 2011

I like to do a cleanse where I eat a bunch of low calorie fibrous foods and then drink a whole bunch of water and not eat for a day, then eat sparingly for a day or so after. Besides losing a pound or two you'll give birth to a beautiful poop baby and feel like a new man

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins
Ate the same thing tonight. I realize now that me and my bowels have an adversarial relationship.

Cool NIN Shirt
Nov 26, 2007

by vyelkin
I was experiencing some sharp abdominal pain, along with an increasing urge to defecate. I had a satisfying bowel movement that relieved the pain. No more Ducal for me tonight

zidane13
Jan 2, 2005

by Smythe
I don't drink beer often, but when I do, I poo poo fine. I should drink more.

Troposphere
Jul 11, 2005


psycho killer
qu'est-ce que c'est?
I have ulcerative colitis and it sucks.

I have to do enemas every night and it sucks. I don't get how people do that sexually can someone explain

zidane13
Jan 2, 2005

by Smythe

Troposphere posted:

I have ulcerative colitis and it sucks.

I have to do enemas every night and it sucks. I don't get how people do that sexually can someone explain

You gotta get into it, you can't just shove a hose up there and start jerking off, it's gotta be some goats milk cream or whatever, a fuckable song, and an audience. That's just the start, if you really wanna get off you need at least a weeks preparation. Do you have that kind of time?

Ok I guess replace jerking off with shove a fist up there. Same deal, gotta make it an experience, don't just expect it to be one.

new phone who dis
May 24, 2007

by VideoGames
Morbid Hound
Currently awaiting results on my H. Pylori test. The way they do it is weird. This guy in a bunny rabbit costume behind the 7-11 gives you this canister of liquid to drink and you wake up in his apartment all greasy with a sore rear end in a top hat. I'm supposed to get my results in 3-5 days.

Troposphere
Jul 11, 2005


psycho killer
qu'est-ce que c'est?

zidane13 posted:

You gotta get into it, you can't just shove a hose up there and start jerking off, it's gotta be some goats milk cream or whatever, a fuckable song, and an audience. That's just the start, if you really wanna get off you need at least a weeks preparation. Do you have that kind of time?

Ok I guess replace jerking off with shove a fist up there. Same deal, gotta make it an experience, don't just expect it to be one.

I can't even let it out I have to keep it in all night it's the worst

GAYS FOR DAYS
Dec 22, 2005

by exmarx
I bought some tea to help with my poops the other day. The thing is, I don't need help with my poops. I am a vegetarian and eat lots and lots of veggies every day and get plenty of fiber. Oh boy did I spray out the slimy poops at work the next day.

zidane13
Jan 2, 2005

by Smythe

Troposphere posted:

I can't even let it out I have to keep it in all night it's the worst

That sounds like the worst threat a husband could get, "Honey if you don't stop snoring I will let this unholy enema(of the finest goats milk cream cheese, purest, handmade by the gods and goddesses of eternal love, happiness and butt stuff) out all over your side of the bed. And your face."

Is that sexy to you? Does that help?

zidane13 fucked around with this message at 03:29 on Jul 16, 2015

Hobohemian
Sep 30, 2005

by XyloJW
I hope you guys with gastrointestinal distress are feeling better now.

Troposphere
Jul 11, 2005


psycho killer
qu'est-ce que c'est?
I poo poo blood on a regular basis

new phone who dis
May 24, 2007

by VideoGames
Morbid Hound
I'm fine until I lay down to sleep and then it's like someone is stabbing me in the stomach.

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins

Hobohemian posted:

I hope you guys with gastrointestinal distress are feeling better now.

I'm fine.

Troposphere posted:

I poo poo blood on a regular basis

Except for this. I've been cleared for ibs, crohns, and ulcerative colitis, but I still usually poo poo blood.

Fojar38
Sep 2, 2011


Sorry I meant to say I hope that the police use maximum force and kill or maim a bunch of innocent people, thus paving a way for a proletarian uprising and socialist utopia


also here's a stupid take
---------------------------->

Nigmaetcetera posted:

I'm fine.


Except for this. I've been cleared for ibs, crohns, and ulcerative colitis, but I still usually poo poo blood.

How do you get cleared for IBS?

Pick
Jul 19, 2009
Nap Ghost

Fojar38 posted:

How do you get cleared for IBS?

maybe he means like, cleared for a landing, of diarrhea

zidane13
Jan 2, 2005

by Smythe
You remove the bowels and give them a hug. They were only irritated because they felt left out. Love all of you.

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins

Fojar38 posted:

How do you get cleared for IBS?

they gave me a colonoscopy and said my guttiworks didn't appear inflamed

i don't remember, the point is i didn't have colon cancer like i thought i did and that runs in my family

Fojar38
Sep 2, 2011


Sorry I meant to say I hope that the police use maximum force and kill or maim a bunch of innocent people, thus paving a way for a proletarian uprising and socialist utopia


also here's a stupid take
---------------------------->

Nigmaetcetera posted:

they gave me a colonoscopy and said my guttiworks didn't appear inflamed

i don't remember, the point is i didn't have colon cancer like i thought i did and that runs in my family

IBS isnt inflammation though, its what you are diagnosed with if you have cramps and poo poo in a crazy manner but they cant find anything physically wrong with you

Andenno
May 1, 2009

I can't burp on purpose. My friends try to teach me but it doesn't help. This causes me great gastrointestinal distress. Help goons!

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins

Fojar38 posted:

IBS isnt inflammation though, its what you are diagnosed with if you have cramps and poo poo in a crazy manner but they cant find anything physically wrong with you

ok then it was my lack of cramps, am i supposed to remember everything they said to me at a doctor's appointment two years ago? sheesh

Troposphere
Jul 11, 2005


psycho killer
qu'est-ce que c'est?
making GBS threads blood isn't good I would definitely get a second opinion from a different doctor

zidane13
Jan 2, 2005

by Smythe
How do you know it was blood? How do you know it wasn't borscht?

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins

Troposphere posted:

making GBS threads blood isn't good I would definitely get a second opinion from a different doctor

it's bright red so it's fine

also i gave the colonoscopy photos to my dad who;s a licensed and at one time long-practicing gastroenterologist and he said my guts look find and i just need to stop eating velveeta at every meal

e; and washing it down with southern comfort

Troposphere
Jul 11, 2005


psycho killer
qu'est-ce que c'est?
haha ur dad looked at butts for a living

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins

Troposphere posted:

haha ur dad looked at butts for a living

and he loving loved every SECOND of it

Video Nasty
Jun 17, 2003

i had a bowel resection and lost about 1ft of colon.

GAYS FOR DAYS
Dec 22, 2005

by exmarx

Andenno posted:

I can't burp on purpose. My friends try to teach me but it doesn't help. This causes me great gastrointestinal distress. Help goons!

http://www.wikihow.com/Burp

I hope that helps, friend.

zidane13
Jan 2, 2005

by Smythe
If you ever want to fear that all has fallen out of you, eat a pot of borscht. Everything was red. Reddish purple. Maybe a little brown.

Troposphere
Jul 11, 2005


psycho killer
qu'est-ce que c'est?
my GI always tries to hold conversations with me while I'm getting a scope done and tries to get me to look at the monitor and it's like dude I'm barely holding it together right now please don't

damn horror queefs
Oct 14, 2005

say hello
say hello to the man in the elevator
i got The IBS and so post in solidarity for all my abnormally pooping brothers and sisters

damn horror queefs
Oct 14, 2005

say hello
say hello to the man in the elevator
actually had a rectal exam two days ago and the doctor was this really cute guy and i felt uncomfortable having him shove a tube up my rear end in a top hat and hoped the positions would one day be reversed

this is what life is

new phone who dis
May 24, 2007

by VideoGames
Morbid Hound

drat horror queefs posted:

actually had a rectal exam two days ago and the doctor was this really cute guy and i felt uncomfortable having him shove a tube up my rear end in a top hat and hoped the positions would one day be reversed

this is what life is

Did you drop any drat horror queefs on him?

damn horror queefs
Oct 14, 2005

say hello
say hello to the man in the elevator

natetimm posted:

Did you drop any drat horror queefs on him?

yes.

i believe anal queefs are sometimes called "farts" in america. idk though tbh

zidane13
Jan 2, 2005

by Smythe
Any drat Horror Queefs? is a good band name.

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Fojar38
Sep 2, 2011


Sorry I meant to say I hope that the police use maximum force and kill or maim a bunch of innocent people, thus paving a way for a proletarian uprising and socialist utopia


also here's a stupid take
---------------------------->

Troposphere posted:

haha ur dad looked at butts for a living

i look at butts for free

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