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FeedingHam2Cats
Nov 10, 2009

Ok actual summary of the Baltimore Ravens:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6llTNb3RTE

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Diqnol
May 10, 2010

The Philadelphia Eagles and what for to do them

I support the Philadelphia Eagles primarily because I was born in this area but there are plenty of reasons to follow them as an unaffiliated fan, too! I think they might actually be your best choice, by the way, though I could understand you choosing the Jaguars or the Buccs since they seem to play over there quite a lot. Unfortunately for you, they both stink!!

On the plus side you have one of the most exciting coaches in the league in a year where he is completely transforming the team both offensively and defensively. The level of success of the team this year will have significant league-wide ramifications. We have a potentially great offense that will be led by a QB named Sam Bradford and a defense totally stacked at DL and LB with some actually promising pieces in the secondary. You'd be getting in on the nearly ground floor of a possible top tier team. Chip is also hilarious to watch at press conferences. Our players also go out there and give their best efforts from start to finish as a result of Chip's coaching style so you don't need to worry about us ever tapping out of a game.

On the negative side, you'd be rooting for a team whose fanbase isn't exactly loved around the country. People will cite santa and batteries until hell freezes over, it's true, and you may even hear from athletes that formerly played here that we are, well, "a tough crowd to please". The Eagles are also an old franchise without a superbowl ring, so if you're looking for established glory, you'd best root for the 49ers, Patriots, Steelers, or Cowboys (don't be a Cowboys fan lol). Oh, and if you really like attaching yourself to one player, I have bad news; we have been cutting or trading all of our big name players recently.

We have more than one rival, too! A lot of people would say we are the enemies of the Cowboys and I would be right there with them but there is also a good argument to be made that the Giants are our rivals. We have a lot of hate in our hearts I guess!

Our star player is pretty hard to pin down. DeMarco Murray is a name you should know as he was the lead rusher in the league last year. Sam Bradford is our QB and is a guy who hasn't really worked out in the NFL so far but that's largely due to fluke injury. Otherwise our players are all fairly well known and very likeable but there aren't any standout stars that non-eagles fans will know (Jason Peters is a drat beast). FAVORITE player, on the other hand, is really easy. Connor Barwin is cool as hell and read this somewhat dated article on him to see why!

Our worst player that sees any playing time would be Riley Cooper. Man can't create separation, guy is racist as hell, man can't catch. gently caress that dude.

If you're looking for promising players, look no further than the Eagles! We have ourselves a Sam Bradford, former 1st overall draft pick who has shown flashes of true brilliance now in a system and behind a line that can appreciate and accentuate his talents. We have a Nelson Algohor, a talented receiver who has a chance to break out in his rookie year in a system that also loves him by default. We have a Mychal Kendricks, a young LB who is coming into his own and looking to be a quality NFL starter that we may soon part ways with due to a recent trade for yet ANOTHER promising player in Kiko Alonso, a man who barely didn't get the Defensive Rookie of the Year his first year in the league. I could go on but I bet you get the idea.

Wish death upon everyone surrounding Tony Romo. Why, you might ask? Tony Romo is an underappreciated super talent trapped inside a machine of hatred and evil and all other Cowboys must perish in the fires of a thousand suns going supernova. They still live because we cannot figure a way to preserve Romo as we annihilate them.

If you could sum up your team in any one photo, what would it be?



What am I likely to see over the next season if I follow your side?

A lot of ups and downs and a ton of excitement no matter how it goes. It's a great time to be an Eagles fan! Join us :)

Febreeze
Oct 24, 2011

I want to care, butt I dont
The New York Football Giants

Why do YOU support this team?

Family Inheritance, but obligation has turned into true love

What are their best and worst apects?

The Giants have been a well run franchise for a few decades. Despite the occasional bad year or two, they are not dysfunctional and many problems that other teams have usually don't happen here thanks to old family owners who treat the franchise as a real team and not just a business venture. The Giants are a good organization and can never truly be counted out

They are also inconsistent as gently caress. One week they will show up against a good team fully expecting to get blown out, and they turn in a great performance. Then they'll go out the next week and completely poo poo the bed. It's exciting, but it's also incredibly nerve-wracking because you never feel safe as a fan. As a consequence, most of us are pessimists. The team isn't that bad but we constantly expect the Bad Giants to show up. If you meet an optimistic Giants fan they are a filthy casual. It also hasn't helped that the two recent championship teams are both considered to be some of the worst championship teams to grace the sport, so even our successes get shat on in some ways. But they just jelly. That said, we'll defend the team to the death because only we can wallow in our own perceived misery.

What is your teams Front Office/Owner like? What sets them apart from the rest of the league?

As stated above the Maras treat the franchise as a football team and not just a business venture. As owners I have no complaints, as I've seen other teams fight in perpetual turmoil because the owners not really respecting the franchise. The Maras are an old football family and they care, and it's nice to have patient, steady ownership. That said, the Maras are also the "high class snobs" of the Owners circle, and sort of run things, and if other owners don't go by their rules they will shut them down. They planned a collusion during the uncapped year and punished the Skins/Cowboys for not playing along, which is pretty scummy even if it was the Cowboys and Redskins.

Who is your teams biggest rival?

1a. The Eagles. gently caress the Eagles
1b. The Cowboys. gently caress the Cowboys
2. The Redskins. gently caress them too, but not quite as hard.

Who is your teams star player? What makes them worth watching?

Odell Beckham Jr. You might have heard of him as the hype is insane. He made a sweet catch once. He also made a lot of other catches and had the second best rookie season by a WR, ever. Since he was injured for 4 games and put up all his numbers in just 12, mostly as the only threat, it's possible he could have had a better rookie season than Moss, but we'll never know.

Who is your favorite player on the team? Why?

Eli Manning. Perpetual underdog, lamer and worse than his brother, really dorky looking, Pretty much always looks like a doofus. Pretty much defines the Giants as a player. He's inconsistent and streaky, but when the magic happens, there is no better feeling in the world than watching Eli pull it off and make his dorky "yay we scored" face. He also has retard strength and hasn't missed a start (currently has the longest active starting streak for QBs, maybe for all players). This is pretty remarkable because he gets hit a lot.

Who is your teams worst player?

Offensive Line as a whole.

Who is your teams most promising player?

Odell Beckham Jr. beware, the hype is absurd right now though, and at this level even if he has a good season he might get seen as having a sophomore slump.

Which opposing player am I honor bound to wish death upon as a fan of this franchise?

The entire Eagles roster, including Tim Tebow!
The entire Cowboys roster, mainly Dez and Witten. You can respect Romo, but wish him failure.
RG3
LeSean McCoy
Desean Jackson

If you could sum up your team in any one photo, what would it be?

I thought way too hard about this, but if I have to pick a true image that represents this team, it's this one



What am I likely to see over the next season if I follow your side?

Injuries. We've been the most injured team in the league by far over two seasons and we've never really been healthy. Our coach is from the stone age and has outdated views on player conditioning. The Giants have potential to be a good team, but in reality this year you'll probably see a middle of the road team that has some fantastic thrilling games and some absolute poo poo shows. However, we are always on in primetime (MAJOR MARKET TEAM NFCEAST SUCK IT HATERS) so we are easy to follow.

Febreeze fucked around with this message at 20:08 on Jul 20, 2015

fsif
Jul 18, 2003

Don't root for my team. Thank me later.

Crunkjuice
Apr 4, 2007

That could've gotten in my eye!
*launches teargas at unarmed protestors*

I THINK OAKLAND PD'S USE OF EXCESSIVE FORCE WAS JUSTIFIED!
If you root for the cowboys bandwagon style it pisses off most of TFF and thats worth something.

Rasczak
Mar 30, 2005

Crunkjuice posted:

If you root for the cowboys bandwagon style it pisses off most of TFF and thats worth something.

I'm not sure that's allowed since he doesn't live in America, what with the Cowboys being America's Team™ and all.

OP if you plan on moving to America any time soon I'll do a write-up

Elephanthead
Sep 11, 2008


Toilet Rascal
Just pick the Seahawks and Patriots, all other teams are jokes.

Manoueverable
Oct 23, 2010

Dubs Loves Wubs
Now would actually be a decent time to root for the Seahawks because it gets you rooting for a winner based off recent history while simultaneously dodging the trauma most fans got from experiencing the worst moment in franchise history that will be remembered forever and ever, one every other team's fans will bring up until they win another Super Bowl.

The quick slide into back into mediocrity will then get you cred because you'll have suffered with the rest of us before they start winning again, or you can just move onto another winner.

Bismack Billabongo
Oct 9, 2012

Wet
If you are gay you should root for the packers and their gay QB. IMHO

El Seano
Dec 30, 2008
Thanks for the write ups so far guys, they've been making some pretty valid/funny points like I'd hope.

The Raiders owners are loving hilarious.

I think we can write off the Jaguars since from what I gather it'd be masochistic to actually choose to watch them.

We can write off the Cowboys because 1)What little lurking I've done here seems to indicate the average NFL fan thinks that the Cowboys are the devil incarnate. 2)Jerry Jones seems like the Mark Cuban of the NFL and irritated the gently caress out of me on the ancient season of Hard Knocks I've watched. Unless he has become more likable since 2002?

The idea of rooting for the Bears kind of appeals because they'd be an underdog.

So far I'd say I'm leaning toward either the Packers or the Giants. The Packers seem like a good team with interesting pieces to watch and are likely to make a decent playoff run but it almost seems like I'd be jumping on the bandwagon which if I was going to do it'd probably make sense to just be a Patriots or Seahawks fan.

Be interested to read a write up on the Patriots or Seahawks. There's something I just don't like about Russell Wilson and Richard Sherman that I can't really explain. Marshawn Lynch seems pretty awesome though.

The Giants because, yes the Beckham Jr hype did reach me even though I've only paid attention to the sport for 3 months. I didn't realize Eli Manning was supposed to be a lovable retard, I figured he'd just be diet Peyton Manning also didn't one of their star players just blow his finger off?

The Lions appeal for similar reasons because of Calvin Johnson.

As somebody said in fairness I'd need to pick an East Coast team thats shown often. What time do the games kick off in ET?

Keep them coming guys, been interesting so far.

axeil
Feb 14, 2006
Why do YOU support this team?

Because I am a crazy-person. Also I am from Eastern PA and I like green and wanted to rebel against a family of Steelers fans.

What are their best and worst aspects?

Pros: Insanely loyal fanbase, generally pretty good, will score lots of points

Cons: Insanely insane fanbase, will flame out spectacularly in the first round of the playoffs, will allow lots of points

What is your teams Front Office/Owner like? What sets them apart from the rest of the league?

No one can get off Mr. Kelly's Wild Ride. I have learned to love it after a 1984-like experience. Also our owner is great. He won an Oscar!

Who is your teams biggest rival?

Cowboys.

Alternatively any team who beat us when we were Real Good in the Andy Reid Era so that'd be:

Buccaneers
Panthers
Patriots ( :argh: spygate!)
Saints
Cardinals
Packers (not really though)

Or any team who have won a Super Bowl so about two-thirds of the league.

Who is your teams star player? What makes them worth watching?

Good news! We have no star players left from last year, they're all new. Unless you think Jordan Matthews or Riley Cooper is a star player in which case uh...we have those guys.

On a more serious note, on offense it's probably Sam Bradford (please don't suck...), DeMarco Murray (betrayed the Cowboys) and uh, Zach Ertz?

On defense it's Connor Barwin. At least he seems to be everyone's consensus pick for best Eagles defender. Fletcher Cox too if you like big d-linemen.

Who is your favorite player on the team? Why?

Jon Dorenbos. Because no one ever trades/cuts long-snappers and over the last 3 years every time I've bought or received a jersey we cut/trade that player.

Non-joke answer: Connor Barwin or Sam Bradford or DeMarco Murray depending on how all 3 do this year.

Joke answer: TIM TEBOWWWWWWW

Who is your teams worst player?

Non-joke answer: Riley "The Racist" Cooper

Joke answer: TIM TEBOWWWWWWW

Who is your teams most promising player?

Nelson Agholar. He's a rookie but he seems pretty cool?

Which opposing player am I honor bound to wish death upon as a fan of this franchise?

All of them. See The Body Bag game, November 1990: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_Bag_Game

Alternatively, you can be Real Mad that Eli Manning is going to the Hall of Fame despite being crappy and having worse numbers than :mcnabb:

If you could sum up your team in any one photo, what would it be?



quote:

The Philadelphia Eagles are merely a series of booms and busts; the long run trend of the franchise is positive.

But the long run is a misleading guide to professional football. In the long run we are all dead

In case you can't tell that's our TE Who Is Not Zach Ertz, aka Brent Celek hurdling Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis was a really, really good linebacker for the Ravens and stuff like that doesn't happen. The other frame is a football hitting him in the face during warmups. It encapsulates the "sometimes we do really awesome things" and "sometimes we do really dumb things" aspect of the franchise.

Alternatively, chip_kellys_wild_ride.png.

What am I likely to see over the next season if I follow your side?

Chip Kelly's Wild Ride 2 - Electric Boogaloo

Also maybe a Super Bowl run.

axeil fucked around with this message at 21:57 on Jul 20, 2015

Kalli
Jun 2, 2001



Alright, I'll give you a real answer guide for the Patriots

Why do YOU support this team? - Grew up in the area, became a fan just as the new owner bought the team, hired Bill Parcells and drafted Drew Bledsoe and they made the team not a laughingstock.

What are their best and worst aspects? - They are ruthless murder machines who are only interested in the kill. They just won the superbowl so it may be hard for them to maintain the killing edge that fuels their blood rage.

What is your teams Front Office/Owner like? What sets them apart from the rest of the league? - Kraft has Goodell in his back pocket for better or worse and dates women 50 years his junior now that his wife died. Other then that, he's just like every other billionaire. Belichick is the de-facto GM and runs the front office like a North Korean prison camp.

Who is your teams biggest rival? - Hubris .

Who is your teams star player? What makes them worth watching? - Tom Brady and Gronk. They ruin fools. Imagine if you took the brain of a kinda dim Golden Retriever and put it into a shaved gorilla's body, you'd get this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eIoNTSmxP7E

Who is your favorite player on the team? Why? - Probably Vince Wilfork, but he just left. Because he is a jolly giant. Currently it's Brady because he is the best at everything.

Who is your teams worst player? - Throw a dart at the cornerback depth chart. It will be completed.

Who is your teams most promising player? - Jamie Collins. He's a young linebacker who's the kind of all round sparkplug that made everyone outside of New England hate Tedy Bruschi like he was Pol Pot.

Which opposing player am I honor bound to wish death upon as a fan of this franchise? - Peyton Manning? Eli manning? Pick either of those thalidomide babies.

If you could sum up your team in any one photo, what would it be?



What am I likely to see over the next season if I follow your side? - A victory tour, seething rival fans, probably 12 wins and a divisional round bye.

Rogue Elephant
May 1, 2007

El Seano posted:

The Giants because, yes the Beckham Jr hype did reach me even though I've only paid attention to the sport for 3 months. I didn't realize Eli Manning was supposed to be a lovable retard, I figured he'd just be diet Peyton Manning also didn't one of their star players just blow his finger off?

Yes. Jason Pierre Paul mangled himself with some fireworks and had his finger amputated.


Ed: Stop being mean to Eli, he can't help the way he is :mad:

Rogue Elephant fucked around with this message at 21:43 on Jul 20, 2015

Grittybeard
Mar 29, 2010

Bad, very bad!

El Seano posted:

As somebody said in fairness I'd need to pick an East Coast team thats shown often. What time do the games kick off in ET?

1 PM eastern for the early games, afternoon games are generally 4:25 starts (occasionally 4:00). You'd probably be fine with most central teams as well, the vast majority of games are played in that 1:00 time slot. Might want to avoid the Chiefs and Rams since they're in the western divisions. Even though KC's and I think St. Louis home games are generally at noon any divisional away games would be later (plus the Rams are probably moving to LA in a year or two anyway).

A team that's shown often is a double edged sword for you, those teams tend to get prime time games more often and sometimes the afternoon time slot since that's when the non-primetime networks like to showcase their game of the week. For that reason I'd advise against picking an NFC East team for you, they're in prime time more than any other division.

The Lions would be a good idea for viewing purposes but a bad idea at the same time because they are cursed.

E_Motion
Oct 26, 2004

Your fortuitous arrival is most welcome! Now, I am spared the bother of hunting you down!

College Slice
As a fellow Euro proper football fan, I wanna reiterate what has been said earlier - whoever you choose If you're cool and handsome you'll choose the Ravens and if you're literally Hitler you'll choose the Steelers or Patriots , you'll make it way easier on yourself if you choose an East Coast team. That way most of your team's games will start at 6PM GMT.

Kalli
Jun 2, 2001



E_Motion posted:

As a fellow Euro proper football fan, I wanna reiterate what has been said earlier - whoever you choose If you're cool and handsome you'll choose the Ravens and if you're literally Hitler you'll choose the Steelers or Patriots , you'll make it way easier on yourself if you choose an East Coast team. That way most of your team's games will start at 6PM GMT.

Note that this doesn't apply to any of the better or more entrenched teams. Anyone in the NFC East, Patriots or Steelers will have the lions share of their games in the 4pm national slot and upwards of 6 prime time games.

El Seano
Dec 30, 2008
I'm pretty pleased with 6pm GMT, being an NBA fan I was expecting to have to stay up crazy late again. What about Monday Night Football?

Also would you guys say the Patriots are the Lakers of the NFL?

E_Motion
Oct 26, 2004

Your fortuitous arrival is most welcome! Now, I am spared the bother of hunting you down!

College Slice

Kalli posted:

Note that this doesn't apply to any of the better or more entrenched teams. Anyone in the NFC East, Patriots or Steelers will have the lions share of their games in the 4pm national slot and upwards of 6 prime time games.

Yeah, this is true. Ravens have 5 primetime games (which means 1 AM GMT kickoff) and 8 4 PM games of their 16 regular season games.

Febreeze
Oct 24, 2011

I want to care, butt I dont

El Seano posted:


The Giants because, yes the Beckham Jr hype did reach me even though I've only paid attention to the sport for 3 months. I didn't realize Eli Manning was supposed to be a lovable retard, I figured he'd just be diet Peyton Manning also didn't one of their star players just blow his finger off?

Eli is the most loveable of retards in the NFL. You might have people in this thread giving arguments for Flacco or Luck or whoever, but Eli is the gold standard of doofy QB. To illustrate further:

Here he is when his building flooded during a hurricane



Here is classic Manningface



Here he is on SNL



His sense of humor is actually very underrated



He is ludicrously Sexy



Here is a picture of him on the beach, and the digital painting I made of that picture, which got on ESPN



His toughness is also underrated. Here he is after getting sacked by 3 49ers at once. Threw the ball last second, got a first down, got up and called for a timeout with fantastic situational awareness.



Here is the real kicker though



Also, he's made the Patriots cry twice, and the Patriots are named after the group of people who first rebelled from Britain, so you should not only love Eli Manning on principle but hate the Patriots. He was also the only person to score a Touchdown (a 7 yard run! In the Rain! His longest run ever?) in the first real game of the London Series, against the Dolphins. He beat Cameron Wake on the play!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LQYyqfT2vw

axeil
Feb 14, 2006
Also everything GUISSEPPIE PIZZAPIE said is True and Good and you should cheer for us, we're really nice! :shepface:

E_Motion
Oct 26, 2004

Your fortuitous arrival is most welcome! Now, I am spared the bother of hunting you down!

College Slice

El Seano posted:

I'm pretty pleased with 6pm GMT, being an NBA fan I was expecting to have to stay up crazy late again. What about Monday Night Football?

Also would you guys say the Patriots are the Lakers of the NFL?

Monday Night Football and Sunday Night Football start at 1-1:30 AM GMT.

And I hope the Patriots are the Lakers of the NFL, because that means they'll suck next season.

The Patriots basically were nobodies until the start of the century when they got Bill Belichick as coach and Tom Brady as their QB. Since then they've been one of, if not the best team in the league.
Yes i know this is a gross simplification

Metapod
Mar 18, 2012

El Seano
Dec 30, 2008

Febreeze posted:

Eli is the most loveable of retards in the NFL. You might have people in this thread giving arguments for Flacco or Luck or whoever, but Eli is the gold standard of doofy QB. To illustrate further:

Here he is when his building flooded during a hurricane



Here is classic Manningface



Here he is on SNL



His sense of humor is actually very underrated



He is ludicrously Sexy



Here is a picture of him on the beach, and the digital painting I made of that picture, which got on ESPN



His toughness is also underrated. Here he is after getting sacked by 3 49ers at once. Threw the ball last second, got a first down, got up and called for a timeout with fantastic situational awareness.



Here is the real kicker though



Also, he's made the Patriots cry twice, and the Patriots are named after the group of people who first rebelled from Britain, so you should not only love Eli Manning on principle but hate the Patriots. He was also the only person to score a Touchdown (a 7 yard run! In the Rain! His longest run ever?) in the first real game of the London Series, against the Dolphins. He beat Cameron Wake on the play!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LQYyqfT2vw



This post is probably the strongest argument for the Giants outside of a constant loop of that one handed catch. Eli does seem kind of awesome in a ridiculous sort of way. That beach picture certainly does away with my idea of QB's all being awesome athletes....

The Eagles do seem like something to get in on the ground floor with but they seem to be lacking that awesome/crazy/entertaining player unless Bradford pans out. I guess there's Demarco Murray as well. Plus the whole devoted fan base is cool too.

Metapod
Mar 18, 2012
Before you pick your team answer this question, what aspect about football do you enjoy the most?

axeil
Feb 14, 2006
Also the Eagles had one of, if not the, greatest comebacks ever against the Giants in 2010. Down by 21 points with 8 minutes left, the team went on to win by 7 after a dramatic punt return by DeSean Jackson. That play was rated the greatest play ever by fans a few years back.

It is one of the best football highlights ever, not just one of the best Eagles highlights, and if this video won't make you a fan, nothing will.

crap quality
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ItL4YPnOaUc

official NFL highlight version:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PufejLOdzs

Non-YouTube Version (aka the best one because it has the Eagles Radio guy calling it)

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x17idft_eagles-miracle-new-meadowlands_sport

The Wikipedia article can explain some of the context around it if you want more info: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miracle_at_the_New_Meadowlands

axeil fucked around with this message at 22:15 on Jul 20, 2015

El Seano
Dec 30, 2008

Metapod posted:

Before you pick your team answer this question, what aspect about football do you enjoy the most?

My top 5 favorite aspects in rough order

1. Wide receivers making ridiculous catches/runs after catch
2. Quarterbacks getting their souls sacked out of them.
3. QB Scramble plays.
4. Inteceptions
5. Forced Fumbles.

Really what any newcomer to the game would like I expect, the flashy poo poo and the big plays.

quote:

It is one of the football highlights, not just Eagles highlights, and if this video won't make you a fan, nothing will.

I actually already saw this because I spent some time reading through all the NFL Lore articles on Wikipedia. That video does get you pretty hyped up.

axeil
Feb 14, 2006

El Seano posted:

My top 5 favorite aspects in rough order

1. Wide receivers making ridiculous catches/runs after catch
2. Quarterbacks getting their souls sacked out of them.
3. QB Scramble plays.
4. Inteceptions
5. Forced Fumbles.

Really what any newcomer to the game would like I expect, the flashy poo poo and the big plays.


I actually already saw this because I spent some time reading through all the NFL Lore articles on Wikipedia. That video does get you pretty hyped up.


Well the good news is regardless of whether you become an Eagles or Giants fan, the Miracle at the New Meadowlands will have a place of either love or hatred in your heart.

Also, I will say that our WRs tend to make good YAC (yards after catch). Kelly does a lot of designed QB runs too. Nothing is funnier than the QB taking the ball on an option play, running 7 yards and dropping sliding to the ground in fear. And last year we lead the league in turnovers so if you like fumbles and interceptions, this is the team for you! :v:


And if you like the flashy stuff, nothing will top WE NEED MORE POINTS 1999 for its absurdity.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZ83nnODDjs

axeil fucked around with this message at 22:23 on Jul 20, 2015

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, MAD-2R World

El Seano posted:

My top 5 favorite aspects in rough order

1. Wide receivers making ridiculous catches/runs after catch
2. Quarterbacks getting their souls sacked out of them.
3. QB Scramble plays.
4. Inteceptions
5. Forced Fumbles.

Really what any newcomer to the game would like I expect, the flashy poo poo and the big plays.


I actually already saw this because I spent some time reading through all the NFL Lore articles on Wikipedia. That video does get you pretty hyped up.

Yeah, the Patriots are bad for you on pretty much every level.

1. Their receivers are boring and make plays based on timing and Brady reading defenses like a wizard and dull poo poo like that.
2. Their pass rush was above average but nothing spectacular, so not really.
3. LOL NO, Brady has the mobility of a glacier in January.
4. All their good DBs just left, and even then they didn't get a ton of picks really.
5. Eh.

Kalli
Jun 2, 2001



Yeah, you want the Giants.

El Seano
Dec 30, 2008

sean10mm posted:

Yeah, the Patriots are bad for you on pretty much every level.

1. Their receivers are boring and make plays based on timing and Brady reading defenses like a wizard and dull poo poo like that.

So Gronk doesn't do crazy poo poo most games like I figured? I thought Edelman was supposed to be entertaining too?

Impossibly Perfect Sphere
Nov 6, 2002

Dead? That's what they want you to think.
I mean, I think they could satisfy requirement #1. Gronk has made some amazing catches and runs people over regularly. Edelman has made a career out of juking dudes for an extra five yards and smashing into people much larger than him.

But eh, the rest of that.. not so much.

Kalli
Jun 2, 2001



Gronk does do crazy poo poo, but not as often as you think, and usually more amazing feats of being a giant untackleable monster with the football.

This was his best last year:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KktqTEaPcoM

Edelman is more of a tiny shifty dude who turns 6 yard slants into 15 yard pickups where he jukes a guy then dives forward to avoid getting splattered.

Hamhandler
Aug 9, 2008

[I want to] shit in your fucking mouth. [I'm going to] slap your fucking mouth. [I'm going to] slap your real mother across the face [laughter]. Fuck you, you're still a rookie. I'll kill you.
You should be a Dolphins fan. They are a honest choice for a new fan, as you will not be accused of jumping on a bandwagon but they're not godawful either.

A recent Emory University [url=http://www.nfl.com/news/story/0ap3000000501025/article/study-cowboys-fans-best-in-nfl-dolphins-worst]study/url] also determined Dolphins fans to be worst in the league, so you'll pretty much be upper percentile all around just by showing up.


Why do YOU support this team?


It is geographically closest to my birthplace.


What are their best and worst apects?


The best part is you've got a team with an interesting history, and generally is fairly dramatic, for good or bad(usually the latter)

The worst part is they're consistently mediocre and have been for a while.


What is your teams Front Office/Owner like? What sets them apart from the rest of the league?


The team is a badly confused old man named Stephen Ross who made a bunch of money in real estate but knows just enough about football to be a danger to the health of his franchise. He's currently garnering a bit of goodwill for footing the bill for stadium upgrades no one else would pay for.

The de facto GM right now is Mike Tannenbaum, whom isn't nessecarily that good but he's got a tendency to make exciting and interesting moves.


Who is your teams biggest rival?


I'm not sure "rival" is appropriate as of late, but everyone hates the Patriots. The AFC East in general tends to have some pretty strong rivalries and is bizarrely incestual


Who is your teams star player? What makes them worth watching?


The aforementioned Suh who is arguably the best defensive tackle in the league and notoriously dirty

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BJ_uFUkdQjI


Who is your favorite player on the team? Why?


Cameron Wake is a genuinely good guy and an excellent player.


Who is your teams worst player?


Dallas Thomas is a genuinely awful Guard and likely to start because our head coach prefers work ethic and personality to ability on the offensive line, apparently.



Who is your teams most promising player?


Ryan Tannehill...hopefully, maybe? He looked pretty good last year, and pretty much everything depends on him.


Which opposing player am I honor bound to wish death upon as a fan of this franchise?


Tom Brady, which to be fair isn't uniquely a Dolphins or even AFC East thing.


If you could sum up your team in any one photo, what would it be?





What am I likely to see over the next season if I follow your side?


A team grab defeat from the jaws of victory in a baffling and shameful way.

El Seano
Dec 30, 2008

:stare: That was loving awesome

sean10mm
Jun 29, 2005

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, MAD-2R World
The Patriots are the team to watch if you like seeing your opponents have their souls slowly ground into powder with the inexorable weight of a geological process.

Kalli posted:

Gronk does do crazy poo poo, but not as often as you think, and usually more amazing feats of being a giant untackleable monster with the football.

This was his best last year:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KktqTEaPcoM

Edelman is more of a tiny shifty dude who turns 6 yard slants into 15 yard pickups where he jukes a guy then dives forward to avoid getting splattered.

Also this.

Impossibly Perfect Sphere
Nov 6, 2002

Dead? That's what they want you to think.
This is your typical Edelman highlight.

E_Motion
Oct 26, 2004

Your fortuitous arrival is most welcome! Now, I am spared the bother of hunting you down!

College Slice

NC-17 posted:

This is your typical Edelman highlight.



Did you know Edelman used to be a QB?



That one still hurts.

El Seano
Dec 30, 2008
Was it Edelman who spiked his own sweater at the victory parade?

Metapod
Mar 18, 2012

El Seano posted:

My top 5 favorite aspects in rough order

1. Wide receivers making ridiculous catches/runs after catch
2. Quarterbacks getting their souls sacked out of them.
3. QB Scramble plays.
4. Inteceptions
5. Forced Fumbles.

Really what any newcomer to the game would like I expect, the flashy poo poo and the big plays.


I actually already saw this because I spent some time reading through all the NFL Lore articles on Wikipedia. That video does get you pretty hyped up.

You should probably be a giants or eagles fan but I do suggest follow the titans this season because mariota is going to some amazing scrambles

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Horse Inspector
Aug 11, 2005
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I ended up with the Bills because last year I was on a business trip to Chicago with a dude from Toronto who was a big Bills guy. After the usual ceremony of getting wasted after meetings the night before, we went to a Bills and Sabres bar and watched them beat the Lions. The bar was absolutely packed and the fans went crazy at the end. It was impossible not to enjoy the enthusiasm and I had a great time; so without any team and with the Bills being east, it felt like the right thing to do.

Also in the cab on the way back, Chicago radio was melting down over Cutler and it made me laugh all the way.

The point of my story is, if you can't decide; think of an NFL moment that made you really like the sport or get in to it. If it involves a team from the east, go with that.

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