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Hello fellow associates! Its a great day to be a part of Corporate Business LTD! We need you and YOUR ideas to grow the company and maintain our status as a leading, cutting edge talent producer in our field! When we use the power of our associates to build synergy; we increase company engagement, and multiply our business efficacy! Here is what we need from you at CB LTD: Please, post your best ideas to: Encourage growth! Remember, if you aren't growing, you're losing! We need more new accounts, new customers, new marketing strategies in order to stay sharp in this competitive world! Increase engagement! If you aren't happy at your job, you won't stick around for long! What can we do to make all of our associates happier at their job? Remember, realistic business ideas here please! (There is a freeze on all pay and benefit packages at this time) Maximize profits! How can you make us more money? And by us I mean ALL associates, not just me and my executive team! There may be bonuses for this category up to and including a $25 Wal Mart gift card! A rising tide raises all ships! How can we save money? What best practices can we implement to lower our overhead costs? Maybe you can take your break at your desk and go over your email? Does anyone really need that much sweetener in the break room? How does the team feel about adding a dollar per day for parking? Be a team player! Is there someone that seems unhappy with the changes? Have they mentioned a union? Overheard conversation about Bernie Sanders or possibly Hillary Clinton? Sharing salary information? Complain about work on social media? Be sure to post those ideas here too, we want to make sure everyone is on the same team! Foster career growth! Do we have associates interested in full time hours and a promotion? Be sure to post your name, reason you want the promotion, and what skills you have to my personal email inbox! As director of Synergy and Engagement, I will PERSONALLY ensure all employees with career aspirations are taken care of! Be sure to include a photo, your gender, and marital status! Help our shareholders! Remember, our shareholders are our ultimate customers, and if we disappoint them, we disappoint all of ourselves! How can you take less sick days? Do we need to report EVERY workplace accident? Should we tie performance reviews to use of medical benefits? There are all ideas I'm just floating here, remember, YOU are the ultimate resource here! I'm sure there are many more ideas and categories that we here on the executive team have missed, so feel free to add more. We value all of your work and look forward to hearing about all of your ideas! And remember, good ideas can be rewarded with up to a $25 Wal Mart gift card or even a lunch with the executive team! Wow! (Please only do this on your break time, not on company time. This is not a team project, this is to be done individually, not discussed with co workers. No inter-department communication regarding this project. Participation in this project may be used as part of performance evaluations and business objective realignment) Thanks for all you do! Jastiger Directer of Synergy and Engagement
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Jul 25, 2015 14:49
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well not to toot my own horn heh 
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Jul 25, 2015 14:54
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toot
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Jul 25, 2015 14:55
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toot 
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Jul 25, 2015 14:55
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toot 
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Jul 25, 2015 14:55
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i cant stop tootig my horn
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Jul 25, 2015 14:56
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Enfield posted:i cant stop tootig my horn You're gonna go blind
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Jul 25, 2015 14:57
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JnnyThndrs posted:You're gonna go blind finally
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Jul 25, 2015 14:59
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Enfield, could you report to Janet over in HR. She needs to have a discussion with you. Nah its alright, you can bring your coffee.
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Jul 25, 2015 15:04
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i like working with my hands which is why im quitting my job at the dick sucking factory
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Jul 25, 2015 15:06
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Toot
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Jul 25, 2015 15:08
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We need to downsize the horn tooting division.
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Jul 25, 2015 16:08
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Saalkin posted:We need to downsize the horn tooting division. Downsizing sounds so negative. I think the tooting division needs to be realigned to better serve our company goal. Please send in your employee ID badge to HR and use our intranet to find another department that might better fit your skillset!
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Jul 25, 2015 16:14
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I'll suggest firing all the workers to fix the problem of losing money by paying people.
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Jul 25, 2015 16:16
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EorayMel posted:I'll suggest firing all the workers to fix the problem of losing money by paying people. Hm, a go getter!
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Jul 25, 2015 16:25
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When I worked at zappos a ton of emails like this were sent and it's scary how accurate it is.
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Jul 25, 2015 16:29
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Jul 25, 2015 16:31
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I have just there now saved the company 50% on all office printing costs. From no on everyone will only print things at 5 font size instead of the normal 10. Comic sans 72 point posters excluded from this.
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Jul 25, 2015 16:37
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These are GREAT ideas! Keep them coming! Here are some great stats from all of your efforts! Due to realignment of the Toot department, we've saved over $200,000 on overhead costs! Good job on cost cutting! Our quarterly report indicated a 14% increase in sales over last year which translated into a $55,000 bonus per person for the executive team!! To show their appreciation, the Chief Financial Officer has authorized us to have a pizza party! Pizza will be brought in on Friday for the entire floor next to the Regional Managers office. Be sure to be constructive and efficient! There are exactly enough slices for everyone (former Toot department excluded) to have ONE and we expect this will be done when you are OFF the clock! Sorry, OSHA mandates we can't have you eating when it isn't lunch, our hands are tied! Enjoy that pizza and a successful quarter! Special bulletin- Sales and Inventory teams are prohibited from leaving their desks due to high call volume, please coordinate with other departments to have them bring you a piece of pizza. Good job everyone!
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Jul 25, 2015 17:00
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Jul 25, 2015 17:41
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Enfield posted:i like working with my hands which is why im quitting my job at the dick sucking factory a factory... that makes dick sucking??
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Jul 25, 2015 17:42
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Let's spoof some trades for AMDA so that we get money?
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Jul 25, 2015 17:44
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Hey, uhh.. Bob from accounting here. I've been looking through the earnings reports for the past few quarters and none of this seems to add up. Anyone in upper know about this? It'd be great if I could get some clarification.
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Jul 25, 2015 18:20
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You're fired
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Jul 25, 2015 18:21
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gently caress you op, I felt like I'm at work 
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Jul 25, 2015 18:23
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fakeaccount posted:You're fired Hey, uhh.. Bill from accounting here. I've been looking through these earnings reports you're having me shred and none of this seems to add up. Anyone in upper know about this? It'd be great if I could get some clarification.
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Jul 25, 2015 18:28
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I'm norma rae
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Jul 25, 2015 18:30
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Lamebot posted:Hey, uhh.. Bob from accounting here. I've been looking through the earnings reports for the past few quarters and none of this seems to add up. Anyone in upper know about this? It'd be great if I could get some clarification. Ah, see whats happened here is that we had to move the money formerly funding the Toot department, into the "Executive Retention" account. Look in that account and it'll all make sense. Thanks Bob! Also, this is classified.
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Jul 25, 2015 18:32
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We should shift some paradigms.
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Jul 25, 2015 19:19
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Kitchner posted:We should shift some paradigms. I like the cut of your jib! You're going places! Can you grab us some coffee?
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Jul 26, 2015 14:20
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Jastiger posted:I like the cut of your jib! You're going places! Can you grab us some coffee? Actually sir, I think it might be best if we re-route some currently un-used labor to facilitate the acquisition of coffee for us, as we're very busy having this meeting at the moment.
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Jul 26, 2015 14:24
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I'm dangerously unqualified to be in any kind of managerial role but remember that time I quoted that joke you said that was really funny? I'll start on $150k, I assume there's a company car somewhere in the package?
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Jul 26, 2015 14:27
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The trick is to become one of the hubs of the Big Data revolution.
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Jul 26, 2015 14:30
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I've always felt that companies should be allowed to kill bad employees instead of just firing them, as that prevents bad apples from reentering the labor force and keeps opportunities open for others
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Jul 26, 2015 14:32
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BTW you're all fired and I sold the company lol.
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Jul 26, 2015 14:33
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BULLETIN: Until further notice there will be no more coffee for employees. Due to regulatory pressure from Washington and a more competitive marketplace, we are unable to facilitate complimentary coffee for all employees. Our executive team and management personnel will be coming around to collect coffee machines and assorted paraphernalia to be re-purposed in their office and/or corporate Headquarters. It is encouraged that employees use their own funds to purchase a community coffee pot or machine. This is a great way for you to come together in these trying times! ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ In more positive news, Funky See Funky Do, our junior mailroom engineer has just accepted a position as the Regional Sales Manager of our Southwest Region! FSFD has been with the company since November 2014 and has only one more class to go before graduating from University of Phoenix with a degree in Communication Leadership Management! He enjoys video games, collecting bitcoins, and attending conventions when he isn't hard at work with our company! Please welcome FSFD to the team and be sure to congratulate him on his promotion! klapman posted:Actually sir, I think it might be best if we re-route some currently un-used labor to facilitate the acquisition of coffee for us, as we're very busy having this meeting at the moment. We will need to discuss this in my office. This sounds like you're trying to undermine your fellow employees, and that is no way to get ahead with this company, no sir!
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Jul 26, 2015 14:36
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You should buy $10 million life insurance policies for your employees and then kill them.
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Jul 26, 2015 14:39
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Jastiger posted:
Not at all, sir! I was merely presenting an alternative that hadn't been discussed yet, thereby opening new potential avenues of operational efficiency! I meant no offense sir, of course, please!
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Jul 26, 2015 14:45
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https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codetermination_in_Germanyquote:Known as Mitbestimmung, the modern law on codetermination is found principally in the Mitbestimmungsgesetz of 1976. The law allows workers to elect representatives (usually trade union representatives) for almost half of the supervisory board of directors. The legislation is separate from the main German company law Act for public companies, the Aktiengesetz. It applies to public and private companies, so long as there are over 2000 employees. For companies with 500-2000 employees, one third of the supervisory board must be elected.
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Jul 26, 2015 14:52
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klapman posted:Not at all, sir! I was merely presenting an alternative that hadn't been discussed yet, thereby opening new potential avenues of operational efficiency! I meant no offense sir, of course, please! Sure, sure *nods enthusiastically* *goes into other executives office and shuts door, has intense conversation with pointed looks at you through the window*
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Jul 26, 2015 14:52
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