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Funky See Funky Do posted:I'm dangerously unqualified to be in any kind of managerial role but remember that time I quoted that joke you said that was really funny? I'll start on $150k, I assume there's a company car somewhere in the package? hey man look, he's clearly thinking of getting rid of me in there, you just got promoted, can you put in a good word for me? please?!
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Jul 26, 2015 15:01
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I've been in a cubicle jerking off for fifteen years
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Jul 26, 2015 15:10
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Baracula posted:I've been in a cubicle jerking off for fifteen years We know, we have secret cameras filming all our employees. Please continue as you are, as our subsidiary corporation sells gonzo porn videos and Baracula's Big Blowout series is a top seller.
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Jul 26, 2015 15:19
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klapman posted:hey man look, he's clearly thinking of getting rid of me in there, you just got promoted, can you put in a good word for me? please?! Yeah of course..uh.. Randall was it? Rodney? Anyways, boss I've been looking over my quarterly budget and I noticed there's this really big number next to "salaries". I looked it up and turns out that's what we pay people to work here. I'm thinking if we pay them less we'll make that number smaller and I'll have more money to spend putting a chandelier in my office.
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Jul 26, 2015 15:30
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We aren't being bought out by Company B we are joining forces. We look forward to meshing our cultures and expect 100% buy in from all associates. Don't think of it as being laid off or receiving a pay cut, think about it as providing value to our consumer base. We'll be boots on the ground at your location with our Synergy TeamŽ and we look forward to meeting with you.
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Jul 26, 2015 15:38
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Hey can I get next week off? My wife's due to deliver the baby any day now.
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Jul 26, 2015 15:40
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Funky See Funky Do posted:Yeah of course..uh.. Randall was it? Rodney? Hahaha, look at this jokester! I know you're new to the team, but we like to run a tight ship around here and we value our associates with competitive salaries and incentive programs. Why, just this year the executive team plans on increasing bonuses for all employees by 5% (on a per tenure, performance, seniority, and funding availability basis)! Now, to maintain competitiveness we are going to adjust salaries a bit to focus on that bonus incentive plan! This plan is effective IMMEDIATELY, however as noted in a previous bulletin, there will be no bonuses this year as of yet. But we're forward looking, and we know the bonus will be an even bigger driver of engagement for our associates! LegoPirateNinja posted:Hey can I get next week off? My wife's due to deliver the baby any day now. Did you clear this with HR, our IT team, and find a replacement for your shift? So long as you follow the proscribed guidelines and protocols, I see no reason we can't allow you to use a few 4 hour blocks for time off. Remember, this is unpaid as it is not sick time so plan accordingly! happyhippy posted:We know, we have secret cameras filming all our employees. Can I see you in my office? What did we just talk about in our engagement meeting about cross departmental communications?!
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Jul 26, 2015 16:23
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I'm just unsure how you expect me to promote synergy in my team with faux Swarovski.
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Jul 26, 2015 16:28
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Since they renamed the Christmas Party to Holiday Party I'd like to see floor staff 100% funding their own party this year, instead of 85%. Perhaps they could hold some bake sales and "pass the hat" so to speak. Those seemed popular last year. Anyways, whatever they need to do to worship their heathen gods. Also, increasing the size of executive desk globes by 10% practically guarantees productivity increasing by same. I'll be at the club later tonight if you want to discuss.
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Jul 26, 2015 16:49
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Funky See Funky Do posted:I'm just unsure how you expect me to promote synergy in my team with faux Swarovski. HEY. We make do with what we have, not with what we wish to have. Funky See, we promoted you to this position to enable change, empower your associates, and lead the team, Swarovski included. If you can't figure out how to make this work, we'll find someone who can. King of Bees posted:Since they renamed the Christmas Party to Holiday Party I'd like to see floor staff 100% funding their own party this year, instead of 85%. Perhaps they could hold some bake sales and "pass the hat" so to speak. Those seemed popular last year. Anyways, whatever they need to do to worship their heathen gods. Also, increasing the size of executive desk globes by 10% practically guarantees productivity increasing by same. I'll be at the club later tonight if you want to discuss. This is a great idea! What a great cost cutting measure here! Going forward, all party and holiday related expenditures will be funded exclusively by the party planning committees of each respective departments. Get those dollars out for jeans day!
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Jul 26, 2015 16:59
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Jastiger posted:Did you clear this with HR, our IT team, and find a replacement for your shift? So long as you follow the proscribed guidelines and protocols, I see no reason we can't allow you to use a few 4 hour blocks for time off. Remember, this is unpaid as it is not sick time so plan accordingly! thanks! this will make my friend's wife very happy. she's an employment lawyer who takes FMLA cases.
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Jul 26, 2015 17:03
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LegoPirateNinja posted:thanks! this will make my friend's wife very happy. she's an employment lawyer who takes FMLA cases. I just ran this by the head of our HR Executive and it looks like you were due some extra time off! Go right ahead and take a week off, we'll have your direct supervisor handle the paperwork! We wish your wife the best!
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Jul 26, 2015 17:06
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I've stopped taking lunches and am just working through them now. It's okay, I'm trying to lose weight anyways. Don't worry, I'm still clocking out.
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Jul 26, 2015 17:08
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GAYS FOR DAYS posted:I've stopped taking lunches and am just working through them now. It's okay, I'm trying to lose weight anyways. Don't worry, I'm still clocking out. Exciting news! We are happy to announce our quarterly associate of the month! GAYS FOR DAYS has taken a leadership role in reducing cost and increasing efficiency for the company! He is to be recognized as the associate of the quarter and will be rewarded with his name on the white board and a $15 credit to the cafeteria! Keep up the great work, GAYS! Also as a bonus, GAYS will be getting a special personalized poster!  Hang that high and proud! Jastiger fucked around with this message at 17:19 on Jul 26, 2015 |
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Jul 26, 2015 17:14
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I spoke with Richard over in publishing at the club last night. His department has an overstock of "motivational" posters printed during a fad a few years ago. He was pretty distraught about it so I came up with a solution. Have department head access petty cash funds to purchase the posters and present them as awards to mid and top performers. The posters awarded will then be used to decorate their spaces and breakrooms. A general crunching of the numbers shows me this will provide a motivational boost of about 3.9% and productivity boost of .69%. And the publishing department should have a banner quarter. If you need me I'll be at the beach retreat house this weekend.
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Jul 26, 2015 17:16
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King of Bees posted:I spoke with Richard over in publishing at the club last night. His department has an overstock of "motivational" posters printed during a fad a few years ago. He was pretty distraught about it so I came up with a solution. Have department head access petty cash funds to purchase the posters and present them as awards to mid and top performers. The posters awarded will then be used to decorate their spaces and breakrooms. A general crunching of the numbers shows me this will provide a motivational boost of about 3.9% and productivity boost of .69%. And the publishing department should have a banner quarter. If you need me I'll be at the beach retreat house this weekend. Not a bad move, King, not a bad move. We'll be sure to use petty cash on these, but we also have to charge full retail for them. These are technically "festivity" related so we'll have the associate funded party planning committees chip in for these.
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Jul 26, 2015 17:20
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Jastiger posted:HEY. We make do with what we have, not with what we wish to have. Funky See, we promoted you to this position to enable change, empower your associates, and lead the team, Swarovski included. If you can't figure out how to make this work, we'll find someone who can. *sigh* Ok I suppose I can get this to work. While I'm here can I get a copy of the company policy RE: Team building exercises? One of my team, Kelly, has forwarded a concern to me about our daily team building workshops at The Titty Twister. She believes it's sexist and demeaning. I'd like to fire Kelly.
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Jul 26, 2015 17:28
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im gay
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Jul 26, 2015 17:31
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Funky See Funky Do posted:*sigh* Ok I suppose I can get this to work. While I'm here can I get a copy of the company policy RE: Team building exercises? One of my team, Kelly, has forwarded a concern to me about our daily team building workshops at The Titty Twister. She believes it's sexist and demeaning. I'd like to fire Kelly. Sigh  , but you can't just let our hard working associates go for a simple complaint. How is Kelly's performance been? Has she been seen mingling with former Toot Group members? Has she taken any sick days off in the past 6 months? Is Kelly married? You know what, just send Kelly to my office.
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Jul 26, 2015 17:35
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Jastiger posted:Exciting news! We are happy to announce our quarterly associate of the month! I don't know what to say! It's been such a long journey! I couldn't have done it without any of you! I want to thank Corporate Business, LTD, and I want to give a personal thank you to our great leader, Jastiger. You've been a real inspiration in making me realize that we are a TEAM! But this award isn't about me, it's about all of us. It's about the company, and our future. That being said, I would like to suggest my name being taken off the white board, and replaced with "TEAMWORK!"
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Jul 26, 2015 18:49
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GAYS FOR DAYS posted:I don't know what to say! It's been such a long journey! I couldn't have done it without any of you! I want to thank Corporate Business, LTD, and I want to give a personal thank you to our great leader, Jastiger. You've been a real inspiration in making me realize that we are a TEAM! But this award isn't about me, it's about all of us. It's about the company, and our future. That being said, I would like to suggest my name being taken off the white board, and replaced with "TEAMWORK!" Hey, high five man! But, uh....you've been talking for a while now and your break was over a few minutes ago. Come on and keep that energy high, but keep focused!
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Jul 26, 2015 18:51
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Jastiger posted:Hey, high five man! But, uh....you've been talking for a while now and your break was over a few minutes ago. *sidles up behind* Hahaha, yeah man, your breaks uh, over, haha! What're we paying you for, huh? Hahaha! Am I right??
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Jul 26, 2015 20:38
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Jastiger posted:Hahaha, look at this jokester! I know you're new to the team, but we like to run a tight ship around here and we value our associates with competitive salaries and incentive programs. Why, just this year the executive team plans on increasing bonuses for all employees by 5% (on a per tenure, performance, seniority, and funding availability basis)! Now, to maintain competitiveness we are going to adjust salaries a bit to focus on that bonus incentive plan! This plan is effective IMMEDIATELY, however as noted in a previous bulletin, there will be no bonuses this year as of yet. But we're forward looking, and we know the bonus will be an even bigger driver of engagement for our associates! Hey, uh, Jerry was it? Look I met Funky See Funky Do at the golf course the other day and, well, if you want me to keep my eight percent stake in this company, I'm thinking you need to take what he says more seriously. I mean, you know what I mean, right?
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Jul 26, 2015 21:00
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Oh and Funky, I'll see you at my daughter's birthday party next week. Don't bother bringing cocaine, I've got plenty.
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Jul 26, 2015 21:02
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EngineerSean posted:Hey, uh, Jerry was it? Look I met Funky See Funky Do at the golf course the other day and, well, if you want me to keep my eight percent stake in this company, I'm thinking you need to take what he says more seriously. I mean, you know what I mean, right? Are you kidding me? I have a hundred people just chomping at the bit to take your 8 percent. You come at me with poo poo like this again and I will FUCKIN DESTROY Y-Oh hey! Just a friendly private meeting! I'll be with you guys in a moment!
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Jul 26, 2015 21:07
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Jastiger posted:Are you kidding me? I have a hundred people just chomping at the bit to take your 8 percent. You come at me with poo poo like this again and I will FUCKIN DESTROY Y-Oh hey! Look man, I'm a fan of Consumer Business LTD and all Republican run companies, but it's a dog-eat-dog world out there and you really don't want me to be an enemy. I'm going to give you one chance to- wait Sweetheart, where are you going? Jerry, I'm sorry, I didn't know you had Kelly under there. I'll go get a coffee, I'l be back in ten minutes.
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Jul 26, 2015 21:10
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EngineerSean posted:Look man, I'm a fan of Consumer Business LTD and all Republican run companies, but it's a dog-eat-dog world out there and you really don't want me to be an enemy. I'm going to give you one chance to- See?! See?! This is why no one takes you seriously. I only promoted that clown because he's in charge of the region we're cutting next quarter and it made them feel engaged. gently caress. Just keep your 8 percent and stay the gently caress out of the office.
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Jul 26, 2015 21:12
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I looked at the books and I know the stakeholder hunting lodge is a write off but you know who has been reserving a lot of time up there, and you know who has some pretty substantial charges on the corporate card for "Toilet Boys, Inc." an entertainment company near the lodge. I recommend giving the department heads rental weekend options which will surely book the place solid, see a profit stream off the books, and "kill two birds with one stone" if you know what I mean. I'll be heading up there next week to inspect damages. Let me know if you want to come. If there's any "entertainers" hanging around our lodge we can hunt "the most dangerous game.'
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Jul 26, 2015 21:15
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Jastiger posted:See?! See?! This is why no one takes you seriously. I only promoted that clown because he's in charge of the region we're cutting next quarter and it made them feel engaged. gently caress. Just keep your 8 percent and stay the gently caress out of the office. This is exactly the attitude I am looking for. I tell you what, you cut costs by another fourteen percent and I'll make sure you're C-suite by year's end.
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Jul 26, 2015 21:19
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I took a little initiative and fired my team and rehired the necessary members at half their pay. I've moved the division from the South West to Laos and also we make bootleg Hello Kitty poo poo now. I'm looking at about a 60% increase on last quarter and I also took the liberty of copying our internal tax records so if you even think about firing me you're going to prison.
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Jul 26, 2015 21:29
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Like any good shareholder I've just voted in sweeping reforms and now will be gone for the next 364 days, see you next yearly review.
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Jul 26, 2015 21:38
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Funky See Funky Do posted:I took a little initiative and fired my team and rehired the necessary members at half their pay. I've moved the division from the South West to Laos and also we make bootleg Hello Kitty poo poo now. I'm looking at about a 60% increase on last quarter and I also took the liberty of copying our internal tax records so if you even think about firing me you're going to prison. BULLETIN ______________________________________________ It seems our newly appointed Regional Manager. Funky See Funky Do, has decided to focus on career opportunities elsewhere! He will be missed and we wish him the best on his travels. If any member of law enforcement, regulatory agency, or media contacts you please immediately report this to myself or any other member of the executive team.
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Jul 26, 2015 21:49
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Funky if you mention the cocaine or the ballerina to the cops I swear to god I will kill you.
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Jul 26, 2015 21:58
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Great news everyone! Despite our most recent set backs due to over zealous regulators and an attempt by the District Attorney to cut our legs out from under us, we'll be back in business! Now, you may have noticed we have a lot of new people in the office, and rest assured, this is a GOOD THING! They are our Foreign Exchange Interns and will be helping us transition into a leaner, meaner, more competitive machine! Granted, we had to close our South West Regional office and there have been some unfortunate separations from the company, we are still going into the final quarter of 2015! Remember, we showed a profit last quarter and everyone eligible received those promised bonuses! With our Foreign Exchange Interns we hope to foster a closer relationship with our friends across the sea. Welcome them to your team as if they've always been there! They will be learning your specializations so they can take the skills they learn back to their home country and foster cultural exchange! While we retain a strict privacy policy and passwords shouldn't be shared, if these Interns need access to a tool or information, so long as they have an ID badge they are allowed full access. (This access does NOT extend to the gym, cafeteria, or parking privileges!) This will be our first stage of integration with them, the second stage is to be announced. If you have any questions, please direct them to Kelly, our newly promoted HR Director!
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Jul 28, 2015 05:09
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gently caress YOU rear end HOLE I QUIT
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Jul 28, 2015 05:13
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Jul 28, 2015 05:54
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GAYS FOR DAYS posted:I don't know what to say! It's been such a long journey! I couldn't have done it without any of you! I want to thank Corporate Business, LTD, and I want to give a personal thank you to our great leader, Jastiger. You've been a real inspiration in making me realize that we are a TEAM! But this award isn't about me, it's about all of us. It's about the company, and our future. That being said, I would like to suggest my name being taken off the white board, and replaced with "TEAMWORK!" Hey friend, I too am a fan of teamwork. I have some literature on how to really think outside the box and transform the synergy level for maximum efficiency. Bring your team with you!
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Jul 28, 2015 05:59
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Hey boss I can solve all of our budget and employee problems with just two little words: Legalize slavery
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Jul 28, 2015 06:08
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GAYS FOR DAYS posted:gently caress YOU rear end HOLE I QUIT Oh Gays, I'm so sorry. Since you quit instead of being furlough or laid off you forfeit our generous severance package and will find we are unable to give a good recommendation for future potential employers. Also since you are no longer an employee of Revised Corporate Group LTD. your vehicle is now illegally parked on private property and has been towed. You will also have to forfeit your cafeteria bonus card immediately. Best of luck to you.
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Jul 28, 2015 06:14
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