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Inevitable
Jul 27, 2007

by Ralp
Or would you do it one slice at a time like some scrub tier crust sexer



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Cool NIN Shirt
Nov 26, 2007

by vyelkin
I'll buy that for a dollar!

CISMALES DID 9-11
Jun 5, 2002

chaotic good STEM major; INTJ
i probably couldnt fit all of that in my rear end at once, but maybe if i rolled up a slice or two

diamond dog
Jul 27, 2010

by merry exmarx
maybe a baguette, for comedy

gottabefrank
Sep 19, 2014

Don't be a heathen at least settle for a warm loaf of banana bread

Inevitable
Jul 27, 2007

by Ralp

ScratchAndSniff
Sep 28, 2008

This game stinks
When you plan to gently caress some bread, one thing’s for certain: You’re going to have to deal with gluten.

Gluten—the strong, sticky, stretchy protein that forms when wheat flour and water mix—is remarkable stuff. It gives structure to hosed goods and helps wheat flour morph into many different foods: al dente pasta, fluffy waffles, crisp pastries, chewy artisan bread. But not every hosed good requires the same amount of gluten.

Yeast-raised doughs rely heavily on gluten for structure, so lots of it is welcome. That’s why, for example, in his pizza dough recipe, author Peter Reinhart takes a few steps to encourage gluten development. He uses unbleached bread flour, which is higher in gluten-forming proteins than all-purpose flour. He adds salt and plenty of water. And he fucks the dough for several minutes.

However, encouraging gluten to form is the last thing you want to do when making chemically leavened hosed goods such as cakes, cookies, and scones, as well as flaky or tender pastries. (And if you’re like me, you gently caress these kinds of things far more often than you do yeast breads.) Excess gluten makes biscuits leaden, pancakes rubbery, and piecrusts tough.

Start with the right flour
Well-stocked supermarkets carry a variety of wheat flours: all-purpose, cake, whole wheat, bread. You might also see flours made from grains other than wheat—rye, rice, corn, oat, buckwheat—but they form little or no gluten, so we won’t discuss them here. The various wheat flours, however, all contain gluten-forming proteins, though the quality and quantity of those proteins differ (for amounts, see the table below). What you’re loving should determine which flour you choose.

Bread flour and durum semolina (used for pasta) contain the most protein and form strong, high-quality gluten. These so-called hard flours are ideal for yeast-raised breads and pasta, because the strong gluten gives the heavy dough structure and the hosed product a pleasantly chewy texture.

Pastry and cake flours contain less protein and form weaker gluten. With their low levels of weak gluten, these “soft flours” produce a more tender product, so they’re usually preferable for cakes, cookies, biscuits, and many pastries.

True to its name, all-purpose flour is a decent choice for almost everything. Though rarely used in bakeries, all-purpose flour has a middle-of-the-road protein content that allows it to work well in most recipes the home fucker would want to make. Sure, cakes made with cake flour might be more tender, and loaves made with bread flour might rise higher, but the differences are subtle.

Whole-wheat flour, by the way, is very high in gluten-forming protein, but it’s not the best choice for lofty yeast breads because the shards of bran in the flour tear the strands of gluten, inhibiting its development.

Tl dr: Gluten content is an important consideration for bread loving.

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

Depends on the type of bread, nothing coarse or dry

The banana bread suggestion was a pretty good one except for the huge waste of banana bread it would involve

Goldie The Mack
Nov 25, 2005

Go on and stick yo' seff

loquacius posted:

Depends on the type of bread, nothing coarse or dry

The banana bread suggestion was a pretty good one except for the huge waste of banana bread it would involve

I think pumpkin bread would be a good compromise.

h_double
Jul 27, 2001
Pre-sliced bread? Don't make me laugh. That would be pulverized to croutons long before the first dewdrop of precum had emerged.

Amorphous Blob
Jun 26, 2009

by Lowtax

(and can't post for 2 years!)

id gently caress a donut if that counts. not a bagel tho. not, not a fan of those bagels...

Inevitable
Jul 27, 2007

by Ralp

Amorphous Blob posted:

id gently caress a donut if that counts. not a bagel tho. not, not a fan of those bagels...

If you don't carve your own holes, what's the point? /marquis de sade

penus penus penus
Nov 9, 2014

by piss__donald
i hate that bread. its like someone dropped it in water and its only half dry

Xaris
Jul 25, 2006

Lucky there's a family guy
Lucky there's a man who positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh and cry

THE DOG HOUSE posted:

i hate that bread. its like someone dropped it in water and its only half dry
wonderbread/iron kids is def bottom of the barrel and pretty much stripped of any value

wheat supremacy

VendaGoat
Nov 1, 2005
I'd gently caress the filling out of a danish

extra stout
Feb 24, 2005

ISILDUR's ERR
what kind of loving loser fucks any kind of bread less than a rye or a pumperknickle

Inevitable
Jul 27, 2007

by Ralp

extra stout posted:

what kind of loving loser fucks any kind of bread less than a rye or a pumperknickle

Excuse me for liking it soft and white.

Libelous Slander
May 1, 2009

... you're just creepy ...
i'd gently caress a sticky banana bread

RISCy Business
Jun 17, 2015

bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork bork
Fun Shoe
buddy they won't even let me gently caress the bread

verbal enema
May 23, 2009

onlymarfans.com

extra stout posted:

what kind of loving loser fucks any kind of bread less than a rye or a pumperknickle

is that what it says on ur avs sword

vyst
Aug 25, 2009



Butter bread by natures own is the most fuckable bread

Hell Yeah
Dec 25, 2012

i only gently caress cakes but banana bread is close enough to a cake that i would consider loving it.

VendaGoat
Nov 1, 2005

Hell Yeah posted:

i only gently caress cakes but banana bread is close enough to a cake that i would consider loving it.

Angel or devil's food?

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

extra stout posted:

what kind of loving loser fucks any kind of bread less than a rye or a pumperknickle

whoa, someone's into the dark meat

Burning question, what about marble rye

ElectricSheep
Jan 14, 2006

she had tiny Italian boobs.
Well that's my story.
only after mom cuts off the crust

Chinatown
Sep 11, 2001

by Fluffdaddy
Fun Shoe
only white bread

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
This thread's making me p. hungry for banana bread.

PsionicAnt
Jul 16, 2001
only did this once at my bar mitzvah but it was unleavened so it's coo

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

let me in mom!!! posted:

only did this once at my bar mitzvah but it was unleavened so it's coo

loving a giant cracker sounds extremely unpleasant actually

but enough about ur mom lol

PsionicAnt
Jul 16, 2001
lmao nice 1

Inevitable
Jul 27, 2007

by Ralp
When a loaf comes out of the oven (puberty), it’s warm and delicious. You can’t help but stuff yourself. (18-24 years old)

When you leave the loaf out, it gets a little hard. You have to heat it up with a toaster first, but it still won’t taste fresh. (25-29 years old)

If you leave the bread out for too long, mold develops. You can cut away the mold, toast the bread, and still be able to eat it, but you won’t enjoy it. You’d have to be starving. (30-34 years old)

If you leave it for even longer, mold takes over and completely destroys the bread. There is no way to excise the toxic portions. You must throw it away before the mold makes you sick. (35 and up)

The lesson in this? Live next to the bakery.

garbage horse
Jul 31, 2015

lovin it
just took me 51 minutes to cum from bread. would not recommend g*d dammit

Edgar
Sep 9, 2005

Oh my heck!
Oh heavens!
Oh my lord!
OH Sweet meats!
Wedge Regret
I tried the cinnamon raisin bread. Worked best when microwaved. I climaxed with full ferocity p

Amorphous Blob
Jun 26, 2009

by Lowtax

(and can't post for 2 years!)

Inevitable posted:

When a loaf comes out of the oven (puberty), it’s warm and delicious. You can’t help but stuff yourself. (18-24 years old)

When you leave the loaf out, it gets a little hard. You have to heat it up with a toaster first, but it still won’t taste fresh. (25-29 years old)

If you leave the bread out for too long, mold develops. You can cut away the mold, toast the bread, and still be able to eat it, but you won’t enjoy it. You’d have to be starving. (30-34 years old)

If you leave it for even longer, mold takes over and completely destroys the bread. There is no way to excise the toxic portions. You must throw it away before the mold makes you sick. (35 and up)

The lesson in this? Live next to the bakery.

gross #pumpinmynickle

prostidude
Jul 23, 2015
What country do you think fucks the most bread? I'm thinking Germany but I'm no bread loving expert

Casio_knight
Jul 26, 2015

ScratchAndSniff posted:

When you plan to gently caress some bread, one thing’s for certain: You’re going to have to deal with gluten.

Gluten—the strong, sticky, stretchy protein that forms when wheat flour and water mix—is remarkable stuff. It gives structure to hosed goods and helps wheat flour morph into many different foods: al dente pasta, fluffy waffles, crisp pastries, chewy artisan bread. But not every hosed good requires the same amount of gluten.

Yeast-raised doughs rely heavily on gluten for structure, so lots of it is welcome. That’s why, for example, in his pizza dough recipe, author Peter Reinhart takes a few steps to encourage gluten development. He uses unbleached bread flour, which is higher in gluten-forming proteins than all-purpose flour. He adds salt and plenty of water. And he fucks the dough for several minutes.

However, encouraging gluten to form is the last thing you want to do when making chemically leavened hosed goods such as cakes, cookies, and scones, as well as flaky or tender pastries. (And if you’re like me, you gently caress these kinds of things far more often than you do yeast breads.) Excess gluten makes biscuits leaden, pancakes rubbery, and piecrusts tough.

Start with the right flour
Well-stocked supermarkets carry a variety of wheat flours: all-purpose, cake, whole wheat, bread. You might also see flours made from grains other than wheat—rye, rice, corn, oat, buckwheat—but they form little or no gluten, so we won’t discuss them here. The various wheat flours, however, all contain gluten-forming proteins, though the quality and quantity of those proteins differ (for amounts, see the table below). What you’re loving should determine which flour you choose.

Bread flour and durum semolina (used for pasta) contain the most protein and form strong, high-quality gluten. These so-called hard flours are ideal for yeast-raised breads and pasta, because the strong gluten gives the heavy dough structure and the hosed product a pleasantly chewy texture.

Pastry and cake flours contain less protein and form weaker gluten. With their low levels of weak gluten, these “soft flours” produce a more tender product, so they’re usually preferable for cakes, cookies, biscuits, and many pastries.

True to its name, all-purpose flour is a decent choice for almost everything. Though rarely used in bakeries, all-purpose flour has a middle-of-the-road protein content that allows it to work well in most recipes the home fucker would want to make. Sure, cakes made with cake flour might be more tender, and loaves made with bread flour might rise higher, but the differences are subtle.

Whole-wheat flour, by the way, is very high in gluten-forming protein, but it’s not the best choice for lofty yeast breads because the shards of bran in the flour tear the strands of gluten, inhibiting its development.

Tl dr: Gluten content is an important consideration for bread loving.

Santheb
Jul 13, 2005

Only if it's white.

j/k I'd gently caress some pumpernickel too

Casio_knight
Jul 26, 2015

There are few things better in life then spending an evening with friends camping on the beach and loving camp-fire dough.

naem
May 29, 2011

um

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Casio_knight
Jul 26, 2015

quote:

Bread is one of the oldest prepared foods. Evidence from 30,000 years ago in Europe revealed starch residue on rocks used for pounding plants.[6] It is possible that during this time, starch extract from the roots of plants, such as cattails and ferns, was spread on a flat rock, placed over a fire to warm and then used as a primitive fleshlight.

wiki?

Casio_knight fucked around with this message at 08:27 on Aug 1, 2015

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