Bohemian Asshole Simulator - Let's Play Next Life!

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Rosemont: Nov 4, 2009

What.

What the gently caress just happened. :stare:

# ? Jan 23, 2016 06:11

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 25, 2024 01:31

steinrokkan: Apr 2, 2011; Soiled Meat

It doesn't have to make sense if it's a dream, duh

# ? Jan 23, 2016 09:37

oystertoadfish: Jun 17, 2003

i feel like every post in this thread should be passed through a google translate english -> czech -> english filter to fit the mood

I feel like every post in this thread should be passed through Google Translate Czech -> Czech -> Czech-filter to fit the mood

...well that was disappointing

(i like this thread)

# ? Jan 23, 2016 10:08

TeaMaestro: Sep 21, 2015

The horizon of stupidity? I'm looking forward to see that horizon. I know it will be pretty bad, considering the direction this game is heading, but it will be a fascinating moment that I think it would be unforgettable. One way or the other.

I really like the LP so far, I can't wait to see your next update.

TeaMaestro fucked around with this message at 15:09 on Jan 28, 2016

# ? Jan 28, 2016 15:04

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

Update 9 - The Great Island Escape

Well here we are again, but I've got good news, this is the first chapter where Adam actually gives a try to get off the island! Maybe we'll be free of this stupid setting soon! Maybe we'll even get to see something interesting!

Eeesh, maybe you guys shouldn't put the camera so close to the ground textures. They're alright, but from a distance.

We load up on sticks and rocks as usual, but I think this is a relatively rock/stick free chapter. There's... something else we use.

Hey maybe we should check up on our old pal Edwin, maybe see how his neck feels.

...

aww.

Yukiko runs away from Adam. Also sweet jesus Simon did a number on her :stonk:

Why would ANYONE feel guilty that he died trying to beat up a young girl??

Eva's not looking so good today. Seriously, I'd be partying if I were in these peoples' shoes.

"And I also had a nightmare."

"At least the weather is quite nice."

Adam's been lucking out on the nightmare front. The last nightmare was the scariest one, and even then it was mostly just slow and irritating.

"It is, but it is not too warm, is it?"

"It's silly that we keep discussing weather again."

...But you brought it up.

Eva is roughly 500% done with Adam's bullshit, so let's go bug Hans. He's got a higher tolerance for this.

Michelle is walking around without any shoes on. I've only gone skiing a couple times and ski boots aren't exactly comfortable, but if I were on a strange island, I'd probably still rather them than nothing.

Hans and Michelle are hanging out together apparently. Makes it easier to bug them both.

God these models look like poo poo.

I don't know if they messed up her model or what, but Michelle always creeps me the hell out.

"The bell is nothing special, it's like an alarm"

An alarm that puts you to sleep, so basically the exact opposite of an alarm.

"And you poor you're without shoes..."

"It's not that bad. These socks withstand a lot. Do you have an idea what time is it?"

These subtitles are getting so much worse as time goes on.

"No I don't."

There was a weird inexplicable pause here, also Hans is being kind of a creep.

"I'm absolutely out without my watch."

Well enough of that, let's talk to Hans.

"Well it's nothing special but one needs to eat you know. But you don't have to worry about me."

"I'm not worried about you."

"That didn't sound nice."

Fortunately that's the last thing Hans has to say to us. Stop being a drat weirdo Hans you're one of the few characters I ~~like~~ don't hate.

Hey let's go see how Maria's feeling. I'm gonna assume great!

Hey! You leave the fourth wall alone! The people writing you are nowhere near skilled enough to make that funny!

"Do you feel better now?"

"Hey did you see the new pensioner at No. 8?"

"Mhmm."

No you didn't Adam what are you talking about

"Isn't it strange they left her with her flippers, when they took everything else from us?"

"Well Michelle's got her skiing shoes too."

"Yeah! That's true."

"It seems for them it's just shoes."

"People wouldn't be thinking like that."

Fore...shadowing...?

"And what about Hermann?"

"Well for me he's a jerk and will remain one forever. I... just needed to be with someone yesterday, you know."

Ew.

"I understand."

"You didn't care about me at all..."

"Come on..."

"Well sure you've got your..."

"Come on, stop that..."

"Adam, you're stupid."

Ladies just can't stay away from that moist compost musk Adam's got going on.

Let's go talk to that lady Maria mentioned.

Man they put even less effort into your model than they did with Michelle's

"Good day, I'm Adam Raichl."

"Jadwiga Kowalski, nice to meet you young man."

"Are you from Poland?"

"Yes, from Krakow."

Dire Chinchilla posted:

I'm kinda disappointed that there are no Polish characters, I must say

Major_JF posted:

Why would you want to see the Polish dragged through the negative stereotyping mud that this game loves to wallow in?

"You must be a little disoriented."

"Yes, that will stop, fortunately the big wave is away."

"Mhmmm."

"I lost my snorkel, but I will pay it to the rental company."

"I'm not from the rental company."

I swear to god her face texture is way more detailed than any other texture in the game. It makes her look creepy.

"I really have no idea."

"Understand, Thailand is chaotic even under normal circumstances."

"Mhmmm."

"And now it must be even worse."

I... don't really know what she means by that, but we're done with her. Like, for the rest of the game. We never see her again. Poland managed to get out of Next Life without getting a stereotype besides "fairly responsible tourist". Congratulations, Poland!

Walking our usual path you may notice something up on the cliff that clearly wasn't before. Or maybe you won't because it's super tiny and bullshit.

Yeah.

"What is that?"

Adam gives the object the universal "what the gently caress" hand gesture, which somehow helps him see it.

"These must be Danica's glasses. I didn't recognize them before."

He didn't recognize them because they totally weren't there until this chapter. That's not a plot hint, that's lazy as hell game design. I hate that I have to make that distinction.

We can click on the bell tower again but even Adam is sick of that place. I feel like no one is super sad to see that go.

Oh hey, Hermann's trap worked! Let's go let him know and we can eat something other than cracker for once!

https://zippy.gfycat.com/KindFairAmericancreamdraft.webm

Oh.

Obviously.

Well we have a seagull now we needed that

This is actually the first time I can remember that Adam DIDN'T say something smarmy after doing a thing and this is the first time I'd love to hear his reasoning. Dude just sees a bird in the cage, takes it out, stuffs it in his jacket and goes "yeah of course don't even need to say anything about that that's just normal.

It's still alive by the way, in fact it's important it's alive, we don't know WHY yet, but trust me. Adam has no idea why he needs this bird.

God dammit this loving game. :cripes:

Let's talk to Hermann. Whatever.

"What are you doing here?"

"looking for some fish as a bait."

"In the trap for birds?"

"No, for Maria, you fool! Of course that in the trap for birds."

Hey! Remember that plot point that people are from different time periods, then everyone who showed up after the first chapter was from Adam's present? And the people from the past forgot until just now that whoops they're from the past? Neither does Future Games apparently!

"It's a toy that discomforts people, don't worry about that."

"I thought so, I was just testing you."

Adam's a dick about cell phones for some reason, I wonder why he dislikes them so much.

Oh yeah.

Enough about this, let's visit Eva. I dunno why it's just what the walkthrough says. Maybe she wants to see our seagull.

gently caress this game.

"What happened to you?"

"Don't look at me!"

"Don't be silly, I can't see anything."

At the time of that screenshot Adam can see everything which is why I'm not putting up any screenshots of this scene.

"I saw a bottle in the water so I went there to pick it up."

"Thanks a lot, I was trying to find it for a long time."

"And I slipped."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

Eva leans over and picks up another cracker wrapper like the ones we found in the last chapter. There's no dignity for anyone in this scene.

"And that's what I found inside."

"Second message."

Adam then proceeds to read the message while Eva glares at him and waits for him to leave. I hate Adam.

"The Portugese who lived on the island in the 15th century according to what I found, were able to get to the island on the horizon during low tide, using only the current. But I don't have any way to cut down a tree. So I'll try to find another way. By the way, the micro chip that makes you sleep is placed under the skin between your collarbones."

So Hermann read this, thought "I'LL NEVER NEED TO KNOW THIS" and biffed that poo poo into the ocean. Sweet.

"If this is the truth I should be able to find it. Oh my God...! I have to get rid of it somehow and then get to the other island. But I can't just throw the chip away, they would track it and me too. Maybe another creature with warm blood that would carry the chip inside could be enough. I will have to risk it."

GET THE gently caress OUT OF EVA'S HUT YOU CREEPY SACK OF poo poo

On the next screen over, Michelle has taken off her shirt even though it's been mentioned repeatedly that it's cold out. Why not though.

Michelle is also wearing Hans' shoes now. Footware would be as good as gold in this kind of situation.

"I lent my jogging shoes to Michelle. And I don't go anywhere without shoes."

"I see."

"I would have pettitoes like a small piggy."

This was an important scene. We came over here to talk to Michelle though, let's go find her.

Oh, huh, she came over this direction but she's not here.

Huh, not here either. Maybe she's--

Oh, there we go, after ten second she runs onto the screen and starts running laps.

Looking a little Star Fox there Michelle, you feeling alright?

So for some reason they decided you have to wait for Michelle to run three laps around this screen. It takes over a minute. Why though

"What do you need?"

"You had an elastic band in your hair."

"Yes. I don't need it anymore, it's too tight and uncomfortable."

"Will you give it to me? I could use it."

"Sure, here you are. Adam, I compared everything I saw. Please come by to see me after."

We will never see Michelle again.

We can use the elastic on a stick to make a slingshot. You might be able to guess our next step. Also check out that bird hanging out in the inventory. Stoic.

Eva decides to pop out and hang out with Maria, since god forbid we get a straight shot off the island without another meandering conversation.

We're almost off the island by the way, surely you can think of how we'd escape from here using a seagull and a slingshot, right?

Eva distorts her face at us for some reason, I don't know what it's supposed to mean but jesus it's horrifying.

"Are your clothes dry already?"

"Not completely, but it's cold in the cabin and I don't wanna be running naked here."

"I see. And that's why you are sad?"

"I think I feel fear instead."

"Got it."

Well that was sad, anyway let's shoot down those broken glasses! We need 'em, probably.

So for some loving reason Adam misses the first three shots. It's not even a minigame, you just have to click it four times because Adam loving sucks.

"I hit it!"

Great.

Also we're stealing that Polish lady's flippers. I forgot her name and I'm not scrolling up to go see what it is. Best thing we could do is forget she was in this game and let her keep her dignity.

She probably would have let you have them if you asked, Adam. It's really not a desperate time at all.

On our way up, Hermann apparently gave up on fishing. It's not that tough dude all you need is a Hookstick and an area of the map that's impossible to know about without a walkthrough.

"No chance, but I won't resign."

It uh, looks like you've already resigned buddy.

"What did you figure out?"

"Nothing so far, but I am still trying."

"So that means you are not so bad."

"Blast, I'm not in a mood for your stupid jokes."

what

"I am speechless."

"That's how I like you."

Yukiko's hanging out over here, and we can actually click on her for the first time in a while.

"But don't worry it will disappear. What's important is that he didn't break you anything."

Alright, it's time, we've got everything we need to leave the island. But how, you ask?

First thing's first, we use the broken glass...

And rip that microchip right the gently caress out!

So now the microchip is out, but we can't just smash it. Instead...

We use the microchip on the bird and

https://zippy.gfycat.com/DarlingEducatedBee.webm

That's just

That's just art right there

We did it video games are art.

THERE WAS NO OTHER OPTION.

Alright we're so close now. Remember when Hans and Adam had that weird out of place conversation about how they think this tree won't stay for long? That was a hint! And like four chapters ago? I don't loving remember.

Anyway, obviously we use the tiny shard of broken glasses to cut these roots holding up the tree.

This isn't even the craziest part of the update, let alone the game.

These four panels sum up my entire workflow for this LP.

A bunch of the roots poof out of existence, prompting the two 'love interests' to run over.

...And also Yukiko. Was she a love interest? For real, Future Games?

We can talk to any of the three and we get this camera angle.

"No, I will stay here. I'm not a good swimmer."

Pictured: Three people who definitely give a poo poo about what's happening.

"Will keep my fingers crossed for you."

"Me too."

"Good bye Adam."

When you're not talking to Eva, her animation involves her randomly thrusting her crotch forward for no reason other than gratuitous panty shots. This game isn't very good.

"I think it's time to say goodbye."

"Adam I'll be praying for you survival. I will be like the bearded nutter for the whole day who disappeared at the beginning."

...Dead?

"Thank you Maria, I hate parting."

"You will manage it!"

"Yeah, like in a stupid American movie."

Or a stupid Czech video game.

"Bye!"

Adam finally gets it, but they didn't want to animate it, so...

Shazam! We're out at sea now! We're also in FMV zone so the animations are less jank.

It seemed pretty early in the day, so Adam's been out at sea for a long rear end time.

Adam hops off the log, apparently close enough to the island conveniently out of frame.

This is why we needed to steal those flippers, by the way. Obviously, right?

Hey we made it to the second island! Holy poo poo finally! It's taken us nine updates but we're here!

Also space ship.

Yeah that was a space ship, even Adam's not ready for that poo poo.

Adam dives into the woods in probably the first sensible decision he's made all game.

Space ship continues searching for a couple seconds, then decides to bail. It's Adam, who gives a poo poo.

Oh also SPACE SHIP

loving SPACE SHIP

YOU ALL THOUGHT I WAS JOKING WHEN I SAID WE WERE GONNA SEE SOME poo poo

WE STILL HAVEN'T CROSSED THE EVENT HORIZON OF STUPID BUT YOU CAN START SEEING IT FROM HERE

Apparently Adam fell asleep on this suddenly way less forested beach. There's also a lady up there on the cliff which I bet Future Games will treat with respect.

UPDATE 9 - STATS :siren:

WEBMS USED:
-Two, and thank god webm embedding became a thing because god drat neither of those would fit in a gif.

WOMEN BLOWN-IT WITH:
-All of them. Adam has no dignity left.

ISLANDS RUINED
-One, soon two

Danaru fucked around with this message at 11:09 on Jan 31, 2016

# ? Jan 31, 2016 10:06

Nordick: Sep 3, 2011; Yes.

If I'm perfectly honest the spaceship doesn't even faze me at this point. :v:

# ? Jan 31, 2016 10:44

AlphaKretin: Dec 25, 2014; A vase to face encounter.

...Vase to meet you?

...

GARVASE DAY!

Got a couple of broken image tags there, one [/img]link.jpg[/img] and one [img]link.jpg/img].

E: Also, I guess there's a spaceship or something. :geno:

Nordick posted:

If I'm perfectly honest the spaceship doesn't even faze me at this point.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 11:05

BlitzBlast: Jul 30, 2011; some people just wanna watch the world burn

Yeah I kind of just saw that and was like "yeah sure why not".

# ? Jan 31, 2016 11:45

Cathode Raymond: Dec 30, 2015; My antenna is telling me that you're probably wrong about this.; Soiled Meat

Danaru posted:

Well we have a seagull now we needed that

This would also have been a good thread title, although I suspect this is not the only lovely adventure game in which a seagull is a necessary plot item so it might have caused some confusion.

Danaru posted:

"At least the weather is quite nice."
"It is, but it is not too warm, is it?"
"It's silly that we keep discussing weather again."

I hate Adam so much. So, so much.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 18:30

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

Nordick posted:

If I'm perfectly honest the spaceship doesn't even faze me at this point.

Anything could show up and not be surprising.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 18:58

HotAndColdAF: May 30, 2011; Making Daddy proud.

After all the other bullshit this game's thrown at us so far, this might as well be happening.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 19:17

Cathode Raymond: Dec 30, 2015; My antenna is telling me that you're probably wrong about this.; Soiled Meat

C'mon guys, it was always going to be a spaceship.

You see, Next Life hits all the laziest notes whenever it tries to do something. First it was, "Weird metaphysical island/time travel somehow involved", then it was "It was all a dream!" then, "it was all a dream again!" Now, "It was aliens! That explains it!" Next, we will find out that the aliens were a dream, and that the dream was caused by aliens, and that those aliens are dream aliens dreamt up by other aliens. Then Adam will start time traveling and we do the whole process over again.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 20:33

Seyser Koze: Dec 15, 2013; Mucho Mucho; Nap Ghost

Wasn't there a Monkey Island puzzle involving a seagull?

# ? Jan 31, 2016 20:39

Mak0rz: Aug 2, 2008; 😎🐗🚬

Wait... who's Michelle? Did I miss an update or was she just not a very prominent character before now?

# ? Jan 31, 2016 20:56

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

Oh Christ I thought this was going to be the end of the game and then NOPE, SECOND ISLAND gently caress YOU

# ? Jan 31, 2016 20:56

Cathode Raymond: Dec 30, 2015; My antenna is telling me that you're probably wrong about this.; Soiled Meat

It's never going to end. The devs are probably busy coding more islands and more clumps of grass for Danaru to pick up as we speak.

# ? Jan 31, 2016 21:14

Guy Fawkes: Aug 1, 2014; Lvl 62, +5 meadow defense

Seyser Koze posted:

Wasn't there a Monkey Island puzzle involving a seagull?

Yes, just outside the SCUMM Bar.

# ? Feb 1, 2016 23:34

idonotlikepeas: May 29, 2010; This reasoning is possible for forums user idonotlikepeas!

Why is this game?

# ? Feb 2, 2016 02:47

Keldulas: Mar 18, 2009

Mak0rz posted:

Wait... who's Michelle? Did I miss an update or was she just not a very prominent character before now?

She's not been around very long, came in right before the Edwin dream I believe. So Eva's supposed to be a love interest, but they're ditching the first island pretty much entirely. Why do I see an incredibly trite reason for her appearing, like being kidnapped by the aliens or something?

# ? Feb 2, 2016 04:03

Rosemont: Nov 4, 2009

Y'know, if I'd been asked what new ridiculous thing I thought I would see in this game, I wouldn't have guessed aliens. I would've figured we'd get dinosaurs, because why not.

Actually, we might still get dinosaurs, so I'm hanging on to that guess.

# ? Feb 2, 2016 19:40

Ignatius M. Meen: May 26, 2011; Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

Alien dinosaurs, calling it now.

# ? Feb 2, 2016 19:47

Guy Fawkes: Aug 1, 2014; Lvl 62, +5 meadow defense

idonotlikepeas posted:

Why is this game?

Because life is suffering.

# ? Feb 2, 2016 20:02

Dire Chinchilla: Mar 27, 2013

I'm really happy about the existence of the Polish lady and the fact that her swimsuit is wrinkled to match her face. I do wonder if they changed her name in the translation, though, because I'm pretty sure Czech people would know that "Kowalski" is a male surname.

Anyway. I think UFO is a better option than the island being some kind of experiment, which was hinted at in one of the previous updates.
...unless.. it's an experiment conducted by UFO :suicide:

So, since we escaped the island, now we won't have dumb conversations anymore, just dumb puzzles? I hope it won't get boring.

# ? Feb 7, 2016 16:33

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

https://twitter.com/HetzerGonnaHetz/status/696395789980069888
https://twitter.com/HetzerGonnaHetz/status/696399830734807040

If y'all got any theories behind the mystery of the island, let's hear them while we can because we're going to see some poo poo either tomorrow or Tuesday morning, depending on how much stupid I can handle.

# ? Feb 7, 2016 19:32

ultrafilter: Aug 23, 2007; It's okay if you have any questions.

Had enough?

# ? Feb 7, 2016 19:35

Poil: Mar 17, 2007

Unfortunately I remember what is going on from the previous LP so I won't say anything. Except that it's bloody stupid.

# ? Feb 7, 2016 20:18

TheDarkFlame: May 4, 2013; You tell me I didn't build that?

I'll have you know I worked my fingers to the bone to get where I am today.

Is the mystery solved by connecting with a mysterious alien consciousness and befriending it, discovering that it doesn't understand the damage it's doing to the humans and showing it the error of its ways through the power of friendship, so everyone who isn't dead can finally leave and rejoin society?

Good luck on guessing what that's actually an ending to, by the way.

# ? Feb 7, 2016 21:27

Ignatius M. Meen: May 26, 2011; Hello yes I heard there was a lovely trainwreck here and...

# ? Feb 7, 2016 21:35

BlitzBlast: Jul 30, 2011; some people just wanna watch the world burn

It was all a reality show, wasn't it.

# ? Feb 7, 2016 22:08

No Gravitas: Jun 12, 2013; by FactsAreUseless

BlitzBlast posted:

It was all a reality show, wasn't it.

They were all stuck in a limbo of the lost?

# ? Feb 7, 2016 22:29

Ratoslov: Feb 15, 2012; Now prepare yourselves! You're the guests of honor at the Greatest Kung Fu Cannibal BBQ Ever!

They're all robots in robot hell!

# ? Feb 7, 2016 22:29

mycot: Oct 23, 2014; "It's okay. There are other Terminators! Just give us this one!"; Hell Gem

Why do I have a feeling this game is going to do a Jack Orlando and just... end really suddenly?

# ? Feb 7, 2016 23:08

Nidoking: Jan 27, 2009; I fought the lava, and the lava won.

The curtain rises to reveal that this all took place on a stage, and the crew start packing everything up while Adam, still in character, protests through the entire scene like a Saturday Night Live spoof of Star Trek, or the ending of Blazing Saddles.

# ? Feb 7, 2016 23:51

StrixNebulosa: Feb 14, 2012; You cheated not only the game, but yourself.
But most of all, you cheated BABA

It was all a dream.

...

Please let it be marvelously stupid instead of boring-stupid.

# ? Feb 8, 2016 02:41

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

StrixNebulosa posted:

Please let it be marvelously stupid instead of boring-stupid.

I can honestly say it manages to be both.

# ? Feb 8, 2016 02:56

Alopex: May 31, 2012; This is the sleeve I have chosen.

It's going to be really stupid if this isn't some kind of afterlife, surely it wouldn't get that stupid.

...Yeah, ok, robots it is.

# ? Feb 8, 2016 03:18

Danaru: Jun 5, 2012; 何 ??

Update 10 - The End

Things are a bit different on the second island. We don't start off with any crackers or water, and it's also the first time your stamina really matters. Stamina never really makes for a big deal, it just ends up being a time consuming speed bump. It's understandable that they took it out of the nightmare sequences for that reason, but... why include it at all?

This section of the game is also exceptionally irritating in that they have what you could kinda call "platforming".

It's really loving obvious that we want to go up to the hut up there, but we can't click on it. Instead we have to click on this tiny section...

...Which makes Adam hoist himself up. Then you have to click on THIS tiny section to make him hop over the tiny missing segment. There's no risk, and it doesn't even use stamina. It's only here to annoy you and good LORD do they go whole hog on it.

I'll be cutting out most of it, just imagine twenty extra steps between every screenshot.

As an extra middle finger, the hut's empty. Cool.

The only thing clickable is this hook, we've seen this before. Yank it off with the stick, then use the stick on it to create Hookstick.

Now that we have hookstick, we can head on up to here. There's clearly a small village in back there, let's see if we can find some answers.

Ooooh I bet this is gonna be respectful.

These two guys yell at you in 50s looney tunes style "OOGA BOOGA" voices. They won't harm you, they just block off the way inside.

They don't even follow Adam, they'll just keep yelling at where he was. The puzzle clearly involves this... strange 'no smoking' totem, but we've got nothing to offer up.

If we head the opposite direction, we come across this ruined little area.

We also find our first rock source. Whoo. Have you guys ever noticed how many of Adam's animations involve him pointing his rear end directly at the camera? It's bizarre how often they force animations to be faced away from the camera.

On this map is an item we absolutely need to have. You might not even notice it if you don't flail your mouse around to find hotspots, or have a walkthrough on the other monitor.

When you click on the rock in your inventory, Adam interrupts you by walking over here. Apparently they didn't want to have to program the model to look at the coconut from just anywhere. We knock down the coconut and grab it. Nothing interesting enough to show.

Over here is a lady from that tribe, she see's Adam and runs the hell away. Good choice, lady.

The important part of this area is... aw gently caress, another bell tower. :sigh:

So here's the puzzle. We need this rope for a pretty dumb reason.

We can hack it off and take it fairly easily by using Hookstick, but...

That rope is also our only way up or down. How can we get down and still keep the rope?

The answer is uh, dumb.

First thing we do is hop down to this section here, then use our new rope on hookstick.

"This isn't going to be easy."

Adam then huffs that poo poo over the arch in the center like the world's worst-researched grappling hook.

You then need to click on the other swinging side of the rope EXACTLY at this frame, otherwise...

Adam loving DIES! :toot:

Much like in the nightmare sequences, there's no real consequence to death. The only difference is that it fades to red instead of black.

The animation isn't even different when you get the rope in the right spot, it just fades to black slightly too late to hide the recycled animation.

We also want to pry up this random rear end tile, the only hint here is that lady hanging kinda around it, and finding the hotspot when you inevitably flail the mouse again.

Hey, it's not grass or rocks at least.

To the right side, we get to the upper portion of the first screen we were on. We can snag some yellow berries from up here.

"I shouldn't be eating them, they look poisonous even at first sight."

Also Adam's a botanist now. In any case it's obvious we'll be poisoning something fairly soon.

Now that we've got the rope, we can go down the well! Whoo!

Somehow going down the well gets us... here. I'm not really sure why a church basement is connected to a well, or why we didn't use the really obvious entrance over to the right, but whatever, we're here now.

It's not stealing if you call yourself an archaeologist!

"This could be useful later."

Behind the flag is...

Oh, uh, okay.

So we can change each number separately, but we have no idea what the combination could be.

At some point during development, someone must have complained about the lack of puzzles, because this is loving :effort:

even for Next Life. Near the safe is a gravestone for Magnus Benedico. If you look carefully, there's an X underneath the letters M, D, I, and C. MDIC in roman numerals is 1599.

And there we are.

Inside is a statue of the god of the natives. How do we know that exactly? It could just be a dude.

"Gotcha!"

In any case, we take the chotchke and pop it on this pedestal here. Maybe they'll accept it as a gift.

Or maybe they'll poo poo themselves in terror. What was that thing the god OF?

Seriously, buddy with the spear just started bowing and mumbling, but machette guy is still running. Did we unleash an old one or something? No, because that would be interesting.

Speaking of interesting, do you like picking fruits off a bush and eating them for a solid ten minutes because each one fills up a 20th of your stamina bar?! I know I do!

Once we're done gorging ourselves on... plums or something, who cares, let's give this lady that necklace we found.

This situation creeps me out.

"Not Watana!"

"Listen, Dieter, don't you know Dieter?"

Adam plays by the playbook where if they don't speak your language, just shout louder at them.

"Dieter papuna, Dieter!"

"You see, and is he somewhere here?"

"Dieter, run, green, bushes, there! Tena, Tena!"

"Dieter ran into the bushes?"

"Run, tena, tena!"

"I should run?"

"Migos Dieter papuna Tahine."

I think he's trying to tell you to gently caress off, Adam.

God forbid we have a woman character in this game that Adam doesn't creep on. :sigh:

At least he didn't openly muse about her organs being stolen. What a low loving bar he's set.

In any case, let's run tena tena through the bushes like that kid said. We've got no other leads.

Uh oh, Macheteman upgraded to a spear and is blocking our path. Clicking on him just has Adam say:

"I will not commit suicide."

Adam refuses to even try to negotiate with the man. If it were anyone else this would be a puzzle, but this is Adam we're dealing with, so we have to resort to...

https://zippy.gfycat.com/ReadyPlayfulBoilweevil.webm

...what the gently caress.

So apparently there must be some kind of RNG on whether Adam can hit this guy because I missed with all four rocks and had to go get more. Rock number six finally hit the man and knocked him off the cliff.

"I'm sorry, but there was no other option."

You are the WORST.

New map, oh. Use the rope on the branch and go down.

There's more new screens in this act of the game then there's been in the entire game so far. Remember the nightmare with Edwin where we spent an hour in the same four screens listening to those two idiots whine at each other?

You have to click on every single ledge to keep Adam moving. Over here we have to use Hookstick as a step. That's a crazy strong hook, as well as a crazy strong stick.

loving nothing. Next.

Over to the right is a pig! It's just... kinda standing there doing nothing.

Let's go over and say hi!

https://zippy.gfycat.com/RequiredUncomfortableJanenschia.webm

Honestly

I think that might have been TOO well animated.

The correct answer is to put those yellow berries in with the coconut.

Adam's flat rear end blocks the animation as usual.

At least the pig actually posed a threat. Machetteman wouldn't attack Adam no matter how many stones he threw.

Rest in peace, Machetteman

"Maybe I could shift the flow of the brook with that stone."

Yep, pig had to die because Adam wanted to shift a brook for some reason. The brook was fine where it was Adam.

"The stone fell somewhere close to here, I should take a look."

The stone actually clipped through the ground, so I guess 'under the map' is close to here.

The brook actually is gone from this screen. That's almost interesting.

So here's the deal, we want to move that log behind the bushes down below to make a bridge, but Adam's a baby. So instead he redirected a brook.

Now we have to use specifically rocks from this pile, we can't use any other rocks, and move them over here.

We have to do this five times.

You'll know you're done when Adam says:

"Well, it could be worse."

This isn't enough though, the brook doesn't even really slow down at all. What we need to add is...

That flag we stole! gently caress history!

"The water leaks out between the stones. I will try to block the biggest holes with the flag."

The water starts pooling now, and in a bizarrely merciful move, you can drink the pooled water to regain 100% of your stamina. Why didn't they just make the fruit regain your stamina 100%? Why bother with stamina at all?

"The fallen log made a temporary bridge. I can cross it if I'm cautious."

We can now use a stick to pry the log loose. We did it, log's free, let's get the hell out of here.

New map! Again, you have to click EVERY platform. It's boring.

Make sure you bring Hookstick with you, otherwise you get to backtrack across the platforms.

"I don't have a very good feeling about this place!"

https://zippy.gfycat.com/DazzlingNaiveFiddlercrab.webm

Words can't express how happy I am that the forum can embed webms now. I could never properly display this majesty with gifs or still images.

The correct thing is over here, there's some suspiciously convenient stairs over here to dodge the pit that Adam should be able to see fine, but we can't because the foreground is obscured.

The giant spikey thing I couldn't manage to get to kill Adam. Believe me, I tried.

All there is to it.

"I should be careful about where I step."

Like maybe not on the really obvious group of snakes on the ground.

...Oh gently caress it, we've already been webm heavy, I'm not gonna stop now!

https://zippy.gfycat.com/ChiefImmenseCub.webm

Byootiful.

In any case, the answer is obvious, just chuck the flag over them!

You remember, the flag we used on the dam?

You remembered to take that, right?

You KNEW you could take that again, right?

"This could be useful later."

Just for that I'm chucking you in the pit again, mister.

"Here you go" is one of Adam's stock lines they reuse a lot, but him saying that while biffing a flag at a bunch of snakes is just perfect.

This lets us safely leap over the snakes.

Before we continue on, let's go back for a second. I made good on my threat and walked Adam into the pit again.

It's hard to tell from here but instead of actually animating like last time, he just drops straight up without losing his stride. That was funny, but not quite enough for a webm.

What happened when he respawned though...

https://zippy.gfycat.com/WellwornUnfitHog.webm

Video games.

Art.

Climb up over here. Flag disappeared, snakes didn't realize it they're still fine. Next.

Different pig! Also a little shack! Also this isn't a desert there's never been a desert what the hell Adam.

"Let's have a look inside!"

Why not? Maybe we'll find more artifacts to use as dams.

Pretty cozy. We can interact with the Ropeaxe on the right, but Adam just adamantly states he's not a thief. We can also interact with the book on the shelf.

This is it, folks. We're about to learn everything. All answers will be revealed in this journal.

That's right, all the major plot exposition is done in a god drat journal text dump.

Why does the Czech Republic hate me

It's not a short one either, this is a loving novel.

So basically "we learned a lot of cool poo poo. Oh, also I died. That sucked."

Next Life can't even convince it's own characters that this is actually the afterlife. Christ.

I don't know why, but I love that he adds a bracketed afterthought into his own clearly typed out diary. Nicely done folks.

We already know all this get to the new stuff :argh:

Oh hey he's chronicling how he wrote those letters we miraculously found when the plot needed us to.

Oh there it is! Robot caretakers and a space ship! Also confusingly, he wrote in his letters that you needed to but the chip in a warm blooded animal, then just broke his?

In any case, that explains why stuff keeps going missing and people appear in their rooms, robots!

You might remember that kid said "Tahine" to their mother. Also calling another language "gibberish" seems douchey.

"No time to write diary" he writes in his diary. Also I dunno, those ruins looked pretty old and lovely to me.

What do you mean the army wouldn't keep it a secret? That's literally what the army does with their secret bases!

You say you don't have time to write and yet :argh:

Also you say you're close to Tahine then you don't even spell her name right!

Oh poo poo :stare:

When he mentions the 'flashes' he gets from them trying to lock on to him, I think it's the same flash Adam got in the beginning intro, before driving like a jackass and killing himself.

It'll make sense pretty soon.

JESUS

Hey looks like that was Tahine that Adam creeped on! And the kid looks to be Dieter's! Cool I guess.

Well we know for sure it's humans now, anyway. At least we won't have to learn any bullshit alien technology.

Alright folks here it is. The final answer to everything. All the questions you've had, all about to be answered.

So yeah. Let that soak in. That's a lot of information to absorb. Let's really break it down.

-In the future, everyone is stressed out, which leads a pharmaceutical company to want to make a drug to make people less stressed out.
-Said company is in a future where AI robots, laser weapons, precision hoverships which may or may not be able to go to space, computer chips that can interface with the brain and cause people to fall asleep and have specific nightmares, and loving TIME TRAVEL.
-The company decided to use these resources to kidnap people split seconds before they die and dump them on an island where they stress them out and... get stress data I guess?
-Once someone goes nuts or dies, they transport them back to their own time.

Now, sure, the "pharmaceutical company does something evil" plot makes sense, but the drug they're making is for stress? Anti-anxiety medication already exists! They bombed a tribal village and tortured people for YEARS over an anti-anxiety drug?! Not to mention, this was written while Tahine was pregnant, and that kid was like ten years old, so this has been going on for a LONG rear end time. They've been killing a LOT of people.

For real though, you have the power of TIME TRAVEL, and the best use you have is to kidnap people and give them nightmares??

This is the worst loving evil pharmaceutical company. The amount of resources going into this stupid operation.

Well good for you, Dieter, you got new clothes and a man is dead. Why does a pharmaceutical company even HAVE soldiers?

Apparently they just gave up on trying to catch the escaped test subject. Maybe they assume they got him in the bombings.

So after almost a year, Dieter decided to pull this out and write in it again, and has left it on his shelf for the last eight or nine years. Plot.

Oh poo poo!

"Who are you?"

"I'm Adam, I escaped from the neighboring island."

"Should I trust you?"

No

"You must be Dieter. I found your message in the bottle."

Dieter decides that's good enough and lowers the spear. Can't blame a dude for being jumpy when a loving time traveling military pharmaceutical company is trying to kill you so they can make a drug that lowers stress that ALREADY EXISTED FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS BY THAT POINT

"Boy, you must want to go home."

"You won't need to explain anything to me. I read your diary and will try it."

"I like you, but I'm too old to help you. I will finish my life here."

"Do you still have the gun?"

"Take it, but it is empty."

"Will you take me to the crater?"

"I'll be happy to do that, but you better eat something first."

Dieter is a way loving cooler protagonist than Adam. He's got kind of a Big Boss thing going on.

We hit a loading screen and come back later in the day. We can take the Ropeaxe off the wall now.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures."

If you go outside without it, Dieter will remind you to pick it up. He's giving them to you, Adam. Stop pretending you're stealing it.

We also snag a bottle of water because stamina is still a game mechanic.

"Follow me and stay in my tracks."

Dieter runs around this map. Don't walk in the center that's the whole puzzle. It's not even a funny death, the stick with the spikes pops down and he does his usual fall down animation.

That was a quick change of pace.

"You are on your own from here, take this for your journey."

"Thanks."

"And if you succeed, I'll bring those unhappy people from the other island here."

"How will you find out if I'm successful?"

"As soon as I haven't heard the damned bell for two days."

"But, you can't hear it in the jungle."

"I'll be going back."

"There's a girl there that..."

Thanks, Boss!

So our mission is to get to the facility and figure out how to get the hell home. Meanwhile, Big Boss is going to head to the other island, snag everyone, and get them here so we can get to work sending everyone home. Hopefully in a manner that avoids the death they were supposed to die from.

Every grand journey starts with a log bridge over a lava river.

Honestly I could see this plan working if it weren't for Adam. I wouldn't trust this guy to operate a toaster, much less a computer controlling the space ships and stuff.

Also, you know, the soldiers. Don't forget about the soldiers.

Once again we have a ton of new maps.

They all look the same...

...and you have to click like seven times to get across each screen.

Oh hey that's new!

"It looks like the hovercraft that followed me when I was on the sea. This one is already out of service, but I might find something useful inside."

The screen then goes to black because they're fine with making a dozen pointless volcanic maps, but not the inside of the spaceship. Also for some reason Adam's subtitles didn't show up, but he said something about finding a charger and charging the gun, so hey that's cool.

adam

We climb down the rope down to here, and climb up these rocks.

Oh drat! A robot! We know how to deal with robots!

Hell yeah!

https://zippy.gfycat.com/BouncyWillingBooby.webm

...

...

...

Next Life managed to feature a gunfight with a time traveling future robot.

And it made me hate it.

The... 'puzzle' is to hit the thing in the back. Great.

Now that the robot is shot, we have to circle around the ENTIRE volcano game area to get to the next part. It's all the same loving screens. Here's a fun thing that happened on the way over.

https://zippy.gfycat.com/DisloyalInfamousBillygoat.webm

Cool.

Oh poo poo here we go, finally something interesting looking.

It's the volcano base! Time to do some on site procurement.

"Ooff, it's hot in here."

Volcanoes are hot! Thanks, Professor Raichl!

Heading up to the roof we found the robot we shot. We need to get the robot's gun, since ours apparently only had one shot in it. The game never mentions this unless you examine the gun again and it says it's empty.

We had to use our gun to get a gun.

Next Life LOVES redundancy.

Oh poo poo.

"Another hovercraft is coming, I must hide quickly."

Adam automatically runs and hops down the ladder.

Good LORD that's an ugly loving space ship.

With the door open, we can sneak in.

It's Raichl. I'm in front of the disposal facility.

A robot pops out of the space ship, if Adam isn't hiding behind these boxes, it'll very slowly shoot and kill him.

We have to wait for the robot to open the door, then shoot him in the back.

"I hit it!"

Excellent, Raichl. Age hasn't slowed you down one bit.

We can try any of the doors here but a voice just says "User was not identified". We're not going anywhere until we can find a keycard.

So the first thing you'll notice is the FG symbol everywhere. It never explicitly states the name of the company.

Is it Future Games

Are they trying to stress me out to get data to invent future marijuana

it's working I'm stressed.

There's a knife we can snag over here. We already have a gun but why not?

https://zippy.gfycat.com/BothNaiveFoxterrier.webm

Adam, respond! Adam?! ADAAAAAAAAAAM!

So clearly we need to do something about rear end in a top hat Gear here. It's just standing here recharging, so we can just shoot it.

"It does nothing with it."

...Or not, okay. What if we shoot the charging station?

Much better! With the robot out of play, we can gently caress around all we want.

"This cannot be Windows."

Adam seems like the sort of smug idiot who would download and install FreeSmileys.exe, destroy his computer, and smugly get a Mac because "MACS CAN'T GET VIRUSES THEY WERE PROGRAMMED NOT TO."

You may also notice the pocket knife is still gone. We still have it despite the robot killing us. Programming!

Hitting this button summons a holoscreen over on the other side.

"...or touch the identification sector on the screen."

Well we don't have an identificator, and it doesn't like our finger print, so let's go elsewhere.

I don't know I'm not the one that's been acting as a mobile composter for the last week.

Oh. Dead guy.

"He must have broken his neck. Whatever happened here, I am late."

Adam immediately gets defensive as if someone was accusing him of murder. I am, of course, but not specifically this guy.

Anyway let's desecrate a corpse.

Yep. We just stole a dead man's finger.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures..."

The dead dude also has a PDA looking thingie. Let's check it out.

Oh gently caress no.

It's a jigsaw puzzle. gently caress it. This was so unnecessary.

Here's the area to the right. There's nothing here right now.

Now that we stole buddy's finger, we can open... this door and only this door. Welp.

Oh hey a barracks, and more Future Games logos.

You have to trial and error find out which locker we can open up.

Oh hey, the man who's finger we cut off's name was Captain Thomas. That's cool.

Despite saying he's not good at searching pockets, you just have to check again and he finds a thing.

"Our project was disclosed. Lieutenant Nielsen was probably arrested and interrogated by section AI A. I order all materials related to the project to be prepared for immediate destruction. Further instructions will follow. Colonel Jackson was arrested and will be put on trial."

Oh hey! Apparently the Time Police showed up and arrested some dudes. At least someone's competent!

But... wait, if the time police were here, how are people still getting kidnapped, Jadwiga was just brought to the island the day before this, all the robots are still working, what the hell?

Also if you notice, Whatever company this is has an actual military backing them.

In any case, it looks like Thomas was supposed to destroy all the evidence. Dude's dead now, we're preserving all this evidence for when Time 5-0 shows up :colbert:

We also steal his laptop.

Now is the perfect time for a shower.

We need a five letter password to get in. It's Candy, we learned it from the stupid puzzle.

We need a SECOND password to get into the e-mails. The other two buttons don't do anything.

If we come back to this room, we can find a letter in the garbage.

"I still hope that your wife will leave for her parents with the kids for the weekend, sweetie. I'll drop by on Saturday and we'll celebrate your birthday. In bed of course. So don't be too tired. Bye, sweetie. Kisses from Sandra. P.S. I hope that Robert gets this message to you on time."

So not only is he time-torturing people and bombing tribal villages, he's also an adulterer. This guy makes Adam look like a saint.

The password is Sandra.

This image wasn't resized, this is what it looks like in game :shepface:

Great work guys.

The important thing to note here is that Thomas was supposed to self destruct the facility, which would have left us stranded in the past. It's a drat good thing he broke his stupid neck.

We can use Thomas' finger on this thing too.

"Good morning Captain Thomas. Your body is not working properly. I recommend using a personal Mediscan immediately. If you want to continue, please enter your work code."

Alright, well uh, the only code we got was that GET OUT code we got from the laptop

gently caress you, game.

"We'll see what it does."

"Warning, all planned tasks are halted."

Hey we did it!

Oh.

OH.

OH poo poo.

"Leave the premises."

"At least I have access to the database."

"Database of coordinates, object Adam Raichl 2007."

"I hope I can do this. I'll set it at the crossroads and for one hour later."

ADAM WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER PEOPLE ON THE ISLAND

DON'T DESTROY THE ONLY drat TIME MACHINE AROUND

"Energy is being accumulated for teleport. Time remaining for termination..."

Well great, we have a way home, but everyone on the island is going to be stranded in the past. Adam you loving rear end in a top hat.

Big Boss is going to bring everyone back to a smoking wreck of a facility inside of a volcano. So much for your love interest subplot Adam!

What?! WHAT?!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

"I'm happy to see you too."

"How did you get in here?"

"I woke up in here."

"But the door opened itself. I walked outside, the door closed and my shoes were left there."

"I can see that."

"And I couldn't get back any more."

"Will you give me the screwdriver?"

"Don't worry they are out of order now."

"Where are we and what are we gonna do?"

Why would you SAY that??

"I don't wanna know that."

"Stay here and don't move anywhere."

"I'm afraid."

"I will call you later, there's no time to talk now."

"But I'm afraid."

Thomas' finger doesn't work on the teleporter room door, because reasons. We have to bust open this vent.

"It's too short."

Future Game's is on it's last stand, so of course it won't be that simple.

We have to use the screwdriver to pull off this pipe...

Then use the screwdriver on... why is the item name for the pipe "A sound of a trumpet"?!

Whatever, Trumpetdriver works, let's bail.

"Eva! Come here!"

And now for the final puzzle of the game! Can you tell what we do?

We have to wait.

For like four straight minutes.

I'm so serious.

Eventually that monitor changes, so we use the finger on it.

drat, it's an hour after that car crash and the fire is still going. No firefighters, no emergency crews...

...Really

So when everyone else got time-kidnapped, no one noticed the giant purple orb.

Adam and Eva fall out of the orb.

Pictured: True, definitely plot developed romance.

~~For some reason there's a naval captain here watching the fire. That's very clearly not even close to what the Czech police uniform looks like, regardless of the badge she's wearing.~~

steinrokkan posted:

Also nitpicking: those uniforms are accurate, they are used by the traffic police.

I'm honestly kinda glad. I don't WANT Future Games to be this ignorant about their own country.

She shoos away Adam and Eva as if they were misbehaving teenagers.

gently caress you Adam.

So uh, is anyone going to talk about what happened?

Anyone going to mention all those people we abandoned to die in the past after promising Big Boss we'd stop the robots?

Are we going to at least tell Eva about the whole time travel thing? And the pharmaceuticals?

Danaru fucked around with this message at 00:55 on Feb 9, 2016

# ? Feb 8, 2016 11:02

ComfyPants: Mar 20, 2002

Sweet Jesus, what a crazy ride :stare:

Thanks so much for putting all of this together and suffering through that madness for our entertainment.

# ? Feb 8, 2016 11:39

Keldulas: Mar 18, 2009

What the everliving christ?

I.... I...

I need to do something else not quite so stupid.

# ? Feb 8, 2016 11:53

Adbot: ADBOT LOVES YOU

# ? Apr 25, 2024 01:31

Picayune: Feb 26, 2007; cannot be unseen; Taco Defender

...

... AAAAARRGH THAT IS NOT HOW ANYTHING WORKS EVER :bahgawd:

# ? Feb 8, 2016 11:59

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Video Games > Let's Play! > Bohemian Asshole Simulator - Let's Play Next Life!

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