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Are my neighbors vampires??
Yes they are vampires!! AHHH!!!
Maybe, you need to break into their apartment to investigate further
Goku
No, they are just weirdos
View Results
 
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Nooner
Mar 26, 2011

AN A+ OPSTER (:
Okay im getting kinda spooked by the people who live across the street from me, I think they may be vampires. My apt is slightly above theirs and they never close any of their blinds so i have completely clear view into their apartment and I have noticed the following

1. NEver seen any of them (not sure how many are there, if anyone knows the approx # of vampires typically in a nest please let me know) during daylight hours
2. the only time they seem to come into the common area is after midnight andthen they only turn on 1 light
3. I've only seen a resident of the place 1 time, it was very late at night and he was making a phonecall on the balcony. He looked to be young and possibly slavic (!!!)
4. Instead of things like couches and chairs and televisions like normal people have in their living room, they have two beds against the walls (vampire orgies anyone??) also it is a 2 bedroom apt for reeference
5.Seriously no one is ever home, probably because htey are out doing spooky vampire things when they arent hiding during the daylight hours.

what should I do GBS? Do I have a case of vampire neighbors? Should I invenst in holy water? I grill steaks on my balcony at least once a week and cook with a lot of garlic, so I assume I am safe for the time being, but any advice is really appreciated so I dont end up VAMPCHOW!!!


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symbolic
Nov 2, 2014

idk flamingo man i think a vampire orgy would be fun and exhilarating

FlimFlam Imam
Mar 1, 2007

Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams
I'd have Evil Ed check that scene out, he's somewhat of an expert.

Pulvis Sumus
Jul 27, 2011
i hear gays have a similar effect to garlic on vampires so u should be ok OP. or maybe it's the opposite and they really want your dong idk.

coldplay chiptunes
Sep 17, 2010

by Lowtax
Sucj their dicks until they cum and if they cum tastes like blood then they're definitely NOT vampires but carrying HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.

Jukeboxblues
Jul 29, 2015


Grimey Drawer

Nooner posted:

Okay im getting kinda spooked by the people who live across the street from me, I think they may be vampires. My apt is slightly above theirs and they never close any of their blinds so i have completely clear view into their apartment and I have noticed the following

1. NEver seen any of them (not sure how many are there, if anyone knows the approx # of vampires typically in a nest please let me know) during daylight hours
2. the only time they seem to come into the common area is after midnight andthen they only turn on 1 light
3. I've only seen a resident of the place 1 time, it was very late at night and he was making a phonecall on the balcony. He looked to be young and possibly slavic (!!!)
4. Instead of things like couches and chairs and televisions like normal people have in their living room, they have two beds against the walls (vampire orgies anyone??) also it is a 2 bedroom apt for reeference
5.Seriously no one is ever home, probably because htey are out doing spooky vampire things when they arent hiding during the daylight hours.

what should I do GBS? Do I have a case of vampire neighbors? Should I invenst in holy water? I grill steaks on my balcony at least once a week and cook with a lot of garlic, so I assume I am safe for the time being, but any advice is really appreciated so I dont end up VAMPCHOW!!!

Find out if there is an entrance to the sewers close to their apartment block. If there is then there is no doubt that they are vampires. If not they could be vampires. I suggest conducting an experiment. This will let you know for sure. Stab one of them in the heart with a wooden steak (not the ones you grill at least once a week, but the sharp and pointy wooden stick things). If they burst into flames/ashes then they are 100% a vampire family. If they don't then they are probably just a thrall of the vampire cult and you saved them. Its the most win-win science could possibly be.

Hell Yeah
Dec 25, 2012

contact HIV, the virus that causes ALDI's. vampires can't stand HIV it tastes like cilantro to them

proof of concept
Mar 6, 2005

by FactsAreUseless
you're safe as long as you don't invite them into your apartment

Hell Yeah
Dec 25, 2012

i've been infected... with low prices

coldplay chiptunes
Sep 17, 2010

by Lowtax

Hell Yeah posted:

i've been infected... with low prices

Matey
Mar 28, 2008

eat food

Nooner posted:

reeference

smokin mad reeference heh

ANIME IS BLOOD
Sep 4, 2008

by zen death robot
I remember that episode of "Are You Afraid of the Dark" too, OP

Nooner
Mar 26, 2011

AN A+ OPSTER (:

proof of concept posted:

you're safe as long as you don't invite them into your apartment

well I mean, I already said that the only one over there I have seen looked like he might be a slav, so obvs I would never invite them in :rolleyes:

Hell Yeah
Dec 25, 2012

the ALDI's virus causes deadly savings

proof of concept
Mar 6, 2005

by FactsAreUseless

Nooner posted:

well I mean, I already said that the only one over there I have seen looked like he might be a slav, so obvs I would never invite them in :rolleyes:

even is she looked like THIS???

you;re a stronger man than I

Matey
Mar 28, 2008

eat food

proof of concept posted:

even is she looked like THIS???

you;re a stronger man than I

oooh weee got that smoky pussy

penus penus penus
Nov 9, 2014

by piss__donald
i have the same problem OP. I got this the other day for them, the silver bullets on the left being key



Blazing Ownager
Jun 2, 2007

by FactsAreUseless
Roddy McDowell is no longer with us



You are SOL

Nooner
Mar 26, 2011

AN A+ OPSTER (:

proof of concept posted:

even is she looked like THIS???

you;re a stronger man than I

there is a sleazy motel about a mile from me that advertises in-room hot tubs, so probably just take her there instead of invite her in :wiggle:

Libelous Slander
May 1, 2009

... you're just creepy ...

proof of concept posted:

you're safe as long as you don't invite them into your apartment

no i think that's the FBI

Fake James
Aug 18, 2005

Y'all got any more of that plastic?
Buglord
Become a werewolf and if they look at u in disgust and say "ugh there goes the neighborhood" then u kno they vamps



2 spooky 4 the D

proof of concept
Mar 6, 2005

by FactsAreUseless

Nooner posted:

there is a sleazy motel about a mile from me that advertises in-room hot tubs, so probably just take her there instead of invite her in :wiggle:

:respek: I feels ya

the problem though is when you hear a knock at the door out of nowhere and answer and that's what you see when you open up, I mean, what's a fella to do??

Nooner
Mar 26, 2011

AN A+ OPSTER (:

Geoff Zahn posted:

Become a werewolf and if they look at u in disgust and say "ugh there goes the neighborhood" then u kno they vamps

they arent allowed to say that, I was here first, they only moved in like 6 months ago .... which is when the spooky behaviors started.....

Crazyeyes
Nov 5, 2009

If I were human, I believe my response would be: 'go to hell'.
If they don't close the shades they ain't vamps.

Watch the house constantly. If they have sex on the ceiling they are probably vampires.

SirEvelynTremble
Dec 25, 2013

FUCK YOU HITLER
STALINGRAD
ROFLMFAO
Buy lots of garlic bulbs, give them as a present to the neighbours ... their reaction should be a giveaway

Nooner
Mar 26, 2011

AN A+ OPSTER (:

SirEvelynTremble posted:

Buy lots of garlic bulbs, give them as a present to the neighbours ... their reaction should be a giveaway

they are across the alley way from me, but I bet if I got a big enough bulb and a slingshot I could smash one through their sliding glass door. Ifthey get mad about it it is proof theyare vampires, right??

Jukeboxblues
Jul 29, 2015


Grimey Drawer
Do they go to highschool? If they do, they are probs vampires.

SirEvelynTremble
Dec 25, 2013

FUCK YOU HITLER
STALINGRAD
ROFLMFAO

Nooner posted:

they are across the alley way from me, but I bet if I got a big enough bulb and a slingshot I could smash one through their sliding glass door. Ifthey get mad about it it is proof theyare vampires, right??

Yes and time to go all loving Van Helsing on them

Nooner
Mar 26, 2011

AN A+ OPSTER (:
as far as I can tell from the intellegence I have gathered so far, this is the layout of the apartment in question

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015
Probation
Can't post for 10 years!
Nah, the lack of gothic architecture in those drawings clearly indicate it's probably just a flophouse.

proof of concept
Mar 6, 2005

by FactsAreUseless

Nooner posted:

as far as I can tell from the intellegence I have gathered so far, this is the layout of the apartment in question



bed? or COFFIN????

Hexel
Nov 18, 2011




Nooner posted:

Okay im getting kinda spooked by the people who live across the street from me, I think they may be vampires. My apt is slightly above theirs and they never close any of their blinds so i have completely clear view into their apartment and I have noticed the following

1. NEver seen any of them (not sure how many are there, if anyone knows the approx # of vampires typically in a nest please let me know) during daylight hours
2. the only time they seem to come into the common area is after midnight andthen they only turn on 1 light
3. I've only seen a resident of the place 1 time, it was very late at night and he was making a phonecall on the balcony. He looked to be young and possibly slavic (!!!)
4. Instead of things like couches and chairs and televisions like normal people have in their living room, they have two beds against the walls (vampire orgies anyone??) also it is a 2 bedroom apt for reeference
5.Seriously no one is ever home, probably because htey are out doing spooky vampire things when they arent hiding during the daylight hours.

what should I do GBS? Do I have a case of vampire neighbors? Should I invenst in holy water? I grill steaks on my balcony at least once a week and cook with a lot of garlic, so I assume I am safe for the time being, but any advice is really appreciated so I dont end up VAMPCHOW!!!

Find whatever reservoir or aquifer/substation supplies your neighborhood with water and bless it.

Macasaurus
Oct 12, 2012

yeah the classic vampire prevention technique is putting a cross or some other christian hocus-pocus on the door, so they can't return to that spot after their night of blood drinkin.

they'll find another hidey-hole before dawn but at least they won't live across from you anymore.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost

Hexel posted:

Find whatever reservoir or aquifer/substation supplies your neighborhood with water and piss in it.

raton
Jul 28, 2003

by FactsAreUseless
Most vampires are actually hard working immigrants who pay taxes op

Bamford Brownstone
Jul 21, 2010
I assure you we are not vampires. Please go back to sleep so we can not feed on you wile you're sleeping.

psyopmonkey2
Mar 10, 2015

by Ralp
My neighbors rarely see me, I have a mattress on the floor and no chairs, and I often do things at night.

Im not a vampire, nor do I sparkle in the sunshine.

Gatekeeper
Aug 3, 2003

He was warrior and mystic, ogre and saint, the fox and the innocent, chivalrous, ruthless, less than a god, more than a man.
drat nooner this sounds like trouble but luckily you've come to to the right dude, i'm something of an expert.

1. slavs are scary enough, but did he exhibit any other signs? i.e., looks like a skinny cobain, snacks on chocolate and cheap colas, turns into a gas to float from room to room, uses confusing magic words that make it hard to think like your head is mushy?

2. garlic and holy water don't do anything. vampires pretend to be afraid of holy water and crosses and such to troll van helsings and police officers, but the truth is they totally dig catholicism. bullets soaked in dead man's blood will hit them like a bee sting. stakes through the heart are the only way to kill them.

3. they're terrified of police werewolves. call the woofmen, get em over there, see how they react. woofmen can smell vampire powers like the butt of another woofman so just sit back and let them do their thing.

4. they have something called "the fire gift" where they can burn you up with their thoughts so don't be a frog brother and make yourself known to them. stay out of sight and don't ever introduce yourself

5. if the lady cobain is sexy, you can probably fool around with her safely if you make sure you've got a stake nearby and you don't tell her your real name. don't ever tell them your real name. names are where powers come from.

pm me if you need any more assistance. I've dealt with neckbiters before, even ancient european ones, and i can totally help you out

This Jacket Is Me
Jan 29, 2009
Op, they are grey market laborers. Relax

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Nooner
Mar 26, 2011

AN A+ OPSTER (:

Gatekeeper posted:

drat nooner this sounds like trouble but luckily you've come to to the right dude, i'm something of an expert.

1. slavs are scary enough, but did he exhibit any other signs? i.e., looks like a skinny cobain, snacks on chocolate and cheap colas, turns into a gas to float from room to room, uses confusing magic words that make it hard to think like your head is mushy?

2. garlic and holy water don't do anything. vampires pretend to be afraid of holy water and crosses and such to troll van helsings and police officers, but the truth is they totally dig catholicism. bullets soaked in dead man's blood will hit them like a bee sting. stakes through the heart are the only way to kill them.

3. they're terrified of police werewolves. call the woofmen, get em over there, see how they react. woofmen can smell vampire powers like the butt of another woofman so just sit back and let them do their thing.

4. they have something called "the fire gift" where they can burn you up with their thoughts so don't be a frog brother and make yourself known to them. stay out of sight and don't ever introduce yourself

5. if the lady cobain is sexy, you can probably fool around with her safely if you make sure you've got a stake nearby and you don't tell her your real name. don't ever tell them your real name. names are where powers come from.

pm me if you need any more assistance. I've dealt with neckbiters before, even ancient european ones, and i can totally help you out

Thank you for your help in my time of need.

I think Jerry Mumphrey turned into a wereman yesterday but I dont know if he is a police officer, do you think I should call him up just in case? maybe get him a police uniform from the SPIRIT store will be enough to send them packing?? :ohdear:

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