ITT we are Ancient Romans

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Fellbat: Feb 23, 2014

It's me I'm the fucker who thought a fishing net would be a cool weapon for gladiatorial combat.

# ? Sep 2, 2015 08:49

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# ? Apr 18, 2024 17:56

Robo Reagan: Feb 12, 2012; by Fluffdaddy

whoflungpoop posted:

actually my favorite story about tiberius' time on capri from suetonius goes like this:

im tiberius, sitting on a rock on the shore by myself. i want to be alone because im a creepy loving goon.

hi emperor! im a fisherman and i just caught this . id like to offer it to u as a gift because ur totally cool.

I SAID I WANTED TO BE ALONE! Guards, take that fish and scrub that man's face with it as punishment for disrupting my goony solitude.

come here, rear end in a top hat [holds fisherman down, scrubs his face cheesegrater-like with the fish's rough scales]

ow! ow... good thing i didnt offer u this crab i caught too

GUARRRRRDS!

come here again, rear end in a top hat [holds fisherman down, slices wounds into his face with crab claws]

sounds like that peasant got owned

# ? Sep 2, 2015 08:52

ContinuityNewTimes: Dec 30, 2010; Я выдуман напрочь

Fellbat posted:

It's me I'm the fucker who thought a fishing net would be a cool weapon for gladiatorial combat.

thats weird. im the fish hat

# ? Sep 2, 2015 09:01

School Nickname: Apr 23, 2010; *fffffff-fffaaaaaaarrrtt*

QUEEN CAUCUS posted:

*joins the Vestal Virgins*
*has sex with a dude*
*is immediately buried alive*

*Is richest man in Rome and possibly the history of the world*
*bangs Vestal Virgin for her property*
*goes to trial*
*defense is "I only wanted her property at below cost. Why would I tap that forbidden fruit?"*
*is acquitted*

Republican-era Roman scandals are the loving best. The whole political class is like a high school.

School Nickname fucked around with this message at 14:50 on Sep 2, 2015

# ? Sep 2, 2015 10:31

Rush Limbo: Sep 5, 2005; its with a full house

*wishes he was Greek instead of Roman*

# ? Sep 2, 2015 10:38

Breetai: Nov 6, 2005; 🥄Mah spoon is too big!🍌

*gently caress the wives of all my political opponents*
*wonder why I'm getting stabbed*

# ? Sep 2, 2015 10:44

TacticalUrbanHomo: Aug 17, 2011; by Lowtax

please vote for me to be dictator, I promise to kill all the powerful people that don't vote for me and split their assets up amongst the powerful people that do

# ? Sep 2, 2015 10:46

Lil Bit O Vitriol: Jan 10, 2010

Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo!

# ? Sep 2, 2015 11:13

QuoProQuid: Jan 12, 2012; Tr*ckin' and F*ckin' all the way to tha
T O P

so, i managed to clean out your wound with some boiling wine, but just in case, let's smear rat droppings inside.

# ? Sep 2, 2015 11:26

raton: Jul 28, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

whoflungpoop posted:

all of the poo poo about what he did on capri come from lives of the 12 caesars by suetonius, who was born like 40 years after tiberius' death and personal details of which should be treated with

tiberius had a lot of legit reasons to be hated tho, not just character wise (he liked solitude and romans considered this creepy), but also for the fact that he was disliked by commons and senators alike while he was emperor for being a miser and an unlikeable sullen goon and a lovely shouldnt-have-been successor to a good emperor and passed thru a bunch of unpopular laws and had a thin skin for criticism and was paranoid and brought back the old treason trials (legal fronts to kill/exile/steal wealth from real or perceived political opponents) and finally went gently caress THIS poo poo and bounced for capri and left his corrupt brutal rear end in a top hat prefect sejanus in charge of rome to murderously gently caress poo poo up while he goonily sulked away on permanent vacation

its not impossible that he was a pervert as well as a mopey paranoid brutal rear end in a top hat, but lurid tales of sexual perversion were roman writers favorite and most commonly used tool for character assassination so vv suetonius did seem to go out of his way to hatefuck tiberius particularly hard tho

Ur my gbs gf

# ? Sep 2, 2015 11:52

School Nickname: Apr 23, 2010; *fffffff-fffaaaaaaarrrtt*

Breetai posted:

*gently caress the wives of all my political opponents*
*wonder why I'm getting stabbed*

*cucks caesar after crossdressing into the most sacred women's only event in rome*
*hauled to trial, where Caesar has every right as Pontiff to basically ask for and be given a death penalty for a political opponent*
*has caesar divorce his wife instead*

# ? Sep 2, 2015 12:15

Hometown Slime Queen: Oct 26, 2004; the GOAT

*looks at statue*

No no NO! Make my dick SMALLER!

# ? Sep 2, 2015 12:21

Jesus Christ: Jun 1, 2000; mods if you can make this my avatar I will gladly pay 10bux to the coffers

So, a funny thing happened on the way to GBS...

# ? Sep 2, 2015 12:22

Calico Heart: Mar 22, 2012; "wich the worst part was what troll face did to sonic's corpse after words wich was rape it. at that point i looked away"

hey justinian is now a good time-

*sees a ghost coming out of justinians head and his head spinning around in place*

nows not a good time i'll come back later

# ? Sep 2, 2015 12:26

Hometown Slime Queen: Oct 26, 2004; the GOAT

*ascends to Emperor*

hope I don't get stabbed or maybe poisoned by my own mom, well see ya!

# ? Sep 2, 2015 12:30

TacticalUrbanHomo: Aug 17, 2011; by Lowtax

Calico Heart posted:

hey justinian is now a good time-

*sees a ghost coming out of justinians head and his head spinning around in place*

nows not a good time i'll come back later

that's a medieval roman you jackass

# ? Sep 2, 2015 12:30

Away all Goats: Jul 5, 2005; Goose's rebellion

*gets molested*

man i loving love olives

# ? Sep 2, 2015 12:35

Universe Master: Jun 20, 2005; Darn Fine Pie

Okay, guys we're ready for this execution. Got the sack, the dog, the cat, the viper, the...wait, where's the loving Ape?

Goddamn it, Blutonus, if we're going to do this animal torture drowning death, we're gonna do it right.

Jesus Christ*, should have saved some of my slave money for a nice smart Greek, instead of just cute boys.

(*this is a guy I just heard of, I think his name makes a great swear word)

# ? Sep 2, 2015 12:36

Bulgogi Hoagie: Jun 1, 2012; We

Universe Master posted:

Okay, guys we're ready for this execution. Got the sack, the dog, the cat, the viper, the...wait, where's the loving Ape?

Goddamn it, Blutonus, if we're going to do this animal torture drowning death, we're gonna do it right.

Jesus Christ*, should have saved some of my slave money for a nice smart Greek, instead of just cute boys.

(*this is a guy I just heard of, I think his name makes a great swear word)

guards! seize this barbarian! he's trying too hard to appear Roman!

# ? Sep 2, 2015 13:14

Echo Chamber: Oct 16, 2008; best username/post combo

There is not an Eastern Empire or a Western Empire. There is only the Roman Empire.

# ? Sep 2, 2015 13:16

Blurry Gray Thing: Jun 3, 2009

Baracula posted:

thats weird. im the fish hat

Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight!

C'mon. Please? I really love a good Retiarius vs. Murmillo.

# ? Sep 2, 2015 13:18

My Imaginary GF: Jul 17, 2005; by R. Guyovich

someone hit me in the head with an amphora and so i underwent brain surgery.

loving love me patron, he broughts some opium for mes when i done underwents it and paid fer it too

# ? Sep 2, 2015 14:43