UFC 191 GDT: Stan's Soapbox

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Bluedeanie: Jul 20, 2008; It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?

Greetings, true believers! It’s your ol’ pal Stan the Man Lee here, ready to welcome you to the next action-packed ish of your favorite fighting mutants, UFC 191: Johnson vs. Dodson 2, 10 p.m. ET Saturday, Sept. 5, only on PPV! Don’t post streams, or you’ll find yourself at the mercy of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants!

Even though my books are chock full of crazy combat, not many folks know I’m a big fan of martial arts. It’s also not too common when the main event features two outspoken fans of the books I’ve worked so hard to make. So without much ado, ol’ Stan is here to guide you through this weekend’s main card.

Excelsior!

For the flyweight title

vs.

Demetrious “Mighty Mouse” Johnson is the tiniest male champ in the UFC . But don’t worry , he may be the size of a baby, but he maintains the full power of a normal-sized baby in his speedier package! Mighty Mouse is the UFC’s one and only flyweight champ, and has only gotten better since the first time he faced John Dodson (a Fight of the Night, by the way!)

So the Ninja Turtles aren’t one of my books, but all you True Believers out there will know they’re modeled after a friend’s. The original Ninja Turtles were a parody of Daredevil as interpreted by Frank Miller. But instead of recklessly sleeping around with Greek oil baronesses and beating prostitutes like Daredevil (or Frank,) Dodson knocks people loopy and then laughs and does backflips. He was on the losing end of their first bout, but while he nursed and injury and had a lackluster return to the cage, Mighty Mouse has only looked better and better. Can he somehow come from behind and win the rematch? Stay tuned…

Heavyweight

vs.

The Belarusian Bruiser is back! This former champ earned the belt from Tim Sylvia way back in Issue 51 against his arch-enemy Tim Sylvia. Now he’s back to fight for the belt against another big fat former champ. Arlovski went through a dark time in the 2000s becoming a stock character to lose in the first few pages as a callback joke. But he’s back in the reboot and looking as dangerous as ever, KOing Travis Browne and Bigfoot Silva after turning Brendan Schaub into a chipmunk from the bottom.

Furious Frank Mir is also just emerging from his own personal Negative Zone. Mir was on a deadly four-fight losing streak before pulling it together to KO Bigfoot and Duff-Man.* The two-time champion may well go for a third belt after this, at the ripe old age of 36. This one’s sure to end explosively!

*ED Note: Appeared in Fight Night: Issues 61 and 71!

Light Heavyweight

vs.

When he’s not taking them out on women, Rumble Johnson eats his feelings. The once-somehow-welterweight has a win at heavyweight over Arlovski and was nearly crowned champ at 205, after missing weight by 12 pounds at middleweight against Vitor Belfort.

I hope he likes canned food, because that’s what he’s got in Jimi Manuwa. Like Luke Cage, he was a troubled youth in and out of detention centers for gang-related violence before turning a new leaf and fighting for justice. Also like Luke Cage, he’s stupid and no one by Archie Goodwin cares about him. If he wins, it’s by shamanistic leg-breaking rituals.

Light Heavyweight

vs.

The Punchy Pole Jan Blachowicz is No. 12! Somehow.

After looking at Corey Anderson’s body, I owe Rob Liefeld an apology for punching him in the dick at Comic-Con ’94. It turns out a human body actually CAN look like that.

Strawweight

vs.

The Powerful 12-Guage Paige VanZant has captured the eye of her employers at a young age – and quite a few skeezy fans at that. Good grief, True Believers! But don’t worry, Ol’ Stan knows a rising star when he sees one. When I met Steve Ditko, he was a struggling art student and Jack Kirby hadn’t even gotten to him. When I first saw him he was a eating old hot dogs out of a trashcan on 23rd and 3rd in Manhattan, outside of the old Cartoonists and Illustrators School. I went upstairs to look at some art as a favor to Jerry Robinson and before Ditko could make it back to his desk and stop me, I took a look at his portfolio. He had several sketches clearly labeled “SEX SUIT” of this intricate body suit with little glider wings under the arms so he could fly around and look at girls in the showers. 12 years later, it was the basis for our design for Spider-Man. Anyway, Tecia Torres was VanZant’s trashcan full of hot dogs and Felice Herrig was her fortuitous pervert sketches. She’s hoping to turn Alex Chambers into her big break at Marvel Studios!

I’ll be honest with you, Ol’ Stan’s rooting against Astro Girl here. Anime really rustles my jimmies, (although those otaku nerds will buy up drat near anything you poo poo out that they have to read backwards.) Realistically though, she’s a reasonable opponent for Paige VanZant right now. She’s only lost to people you’ve heard of, and most of her wins come by submission. Should be a real whizzer of a fight, True Believers!

OTHER poo poo TO WATCH
Fox Sports 1 prelims, 8 p.m. ET
Lightweight Ross Pearson vs. Paul Felder
Bantamweight Francisco Rivera vs. John Lineker
Women's Bantamweight Jessica Andrade vs. Raquel Pennington
Featherweight Clay Collard vs. Tiago Trator

UFC Fight Pass Early Prelims, 7 p.m. ET
Middleweight Joe Riggs vs. Ron Stallings
Lightweight Joaquim Silva vs. Nazareno Malegarie

Official Weigh-Ins, 7 p.m. ET Friday, Sept. 4
http://www.ufc.com/media/ufc-191-official-weigh-in

OFFICIAL MMA SNACK RATING: Something out of Ol’ Stan the Man’s Beachside Food Cart

Bluedeanie fucked around with this message at 04:51 on Sep 4, 2015

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:36

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 05:31

1st AD: Dec 3, 2004; Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: sometimes passing just isn't an option.

remind me again why paige van zant is hailed as the next coming? I don't think she's good at all.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:47

Lloyd Boner: Oct 11, 2009; Yes officer, my name is Victoria Sonnen...berg

Probably because she's hot

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:49

Grandmaster.flv: Jun 24, 2011

Bluedeanie posted:

# ? Sep 4, 2015 04:59

LobsterMobster: Oct 29, 2009; "I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"

Rumble should have been Hank Pym

# ? Sep 4, 2015 05:10

Le Saboteur: Dec 5, 2007; I hear you wish to ball, adventurer..

What Marvel character is Joe Riggs?

# ? Sep 4, 2015 05:12

Bubba Smith: Sep 27, 2004; Is tonight the greatest moment in Dominick Cruz's life?

No.

The greatest moment in my life was realizing that I didn't need a belt to be happy.

Lloyd Boner posted:

Probably because she's hot

It's that and the fact that she's only 21. She has a lot of time to develop as a fighter, and since she's attractive there's a chance UFC could have another decent, highly marketable female fighter in a few years.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 05:13

Bluedeanie: Jul 20, 2008; It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?

Le Saboteur posted:

What Marvel character is Joe Riggs?

Morbius probably.

E: forgot about FrankenCastle

# ? Sep 4, 2015 05:14

LobsterMobster: Oct 29, 2009; "I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"

Le Saboteur posted:

What Marvel character is Joe Riggs?

Not sure, but Jon Jones is Snowflame

# ? Sep 4, 2015 05:15

Trast: Oct 20, 2010; Three games, thousands of playthroughs. 90% of the players don't know I exist. Still a redhead saving the galaxy with a [Right Hook].

1st AD posted:

remind me again why paige van zant is hailed as the next coming? I don't think she's good at all.

She's also from a good camp and not married to a living concussion like Thug Rose is.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 05:45

NickRoweFillea: Sep 27, 2012; doin thangs

good op, thanks Bluedeanie! im excited to watch this card.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 06:09

Fozzy The Bear: Dec 11, 1999; Nothing much, watching the game, drinking a bud

1st AD posted:

remind me again why paige van zant is hailed as the next coming? I don't think she's good at all.

She's pretty much the only person who could take away Jon Jones' "youngest champion" title.

But it isn't going to happen

# ? Sep 4, 2015 06:44

Snowman_McK: Jan 31, 2010

Trast posted:

She's also from a good camp and not married to a living concussion like Thug Rose is.

You made me remember Pat Barry and now I'm sad.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 07:08

Queering Wheel: Jun 18, 2011

1st AD posted:

remind me again why paige van zant is hailed as the next coming? I don't think she's good at all.

I'd have to watch her last fight against Herrig again, but I remember being impressed with her cardio, speed, and grappling. She really beat the poo poo out of Herrig with ground and pound and never let up in the fight. Plus as others mentioned, she is really young and is at a good camp, so she has all the time in the world to become really good.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 10:40

Centripetal Horse: Nov 22, 2009; Fuck money, get GBS

This could have bought you a half a tank of gas, lmfao -
Love, gromdul

drat. You really put some work into this one. We're lucky to have you.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 13:11

Ditch: Jul 29, 2003; Backdrop Hunger

LobsterMobster posted:

Rumble should have been Hank Pym

# ? Sep 4, 2015 14:42

niethan: Nov 22, 2005; Don't be scared, homie!

why isnt mighty mouse literally mighty mouse

# ? Sep 4, 2015 16:27

1st AD: Dec 3, 2004; Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: sometimes passing just isn't an option.

MrSmokes posted:

I'd have to watch her last fight against Herrig again, but I remember being impressed with her cardio, speed, and grappling. She really beat the poo poo out of Herrig with ground and pound and never let up in the fight. Plus as others mentioned, she is really young and is at a good camp, so she has all the time in the world to become really good.

Her ground and pound is real bad.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 16:49

Fork of Unknown Origins: Oct 21, 2005; Gotta Herd On?

Fozzy The Bear posted:

She's pretty much the only person who could take away Jon Jones' "youngest champion" title.

But it isn't going to happen

I really don't think she has anything for Joanna, but she had a ton of time to develop and is probably going to be getting support from the UFC due to her being attractive and marketable. Hopefully she can survive the loss when she gets thrown into a championship match way too early and loses.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 17:10

Le Saboteur: Dec 5, 2007; I hear you wish to ball, adventurer..

The UFC needs to keep Paige the hell away from Joanna for as long as they can while maintaining her as a legitimate contender. She's basically getting the same treatment Conor got right now to a lesser degree.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 17:13

Bluedeanie: Jul 20, 2008; It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?

I don't think VanZant beats JJ or Gadelha, but if I had to pick one she's got the better chance it's probably Gadelha due to less refined striking. So if she wins maybe they'll fast-track Paige.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 17:27

1st AD: Dec 3, 2004; Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu: sometimes passing just isn't an option.

Just because Gadelha's striking is not as good as Joanna's doesn't meant Van Zant has a better chance of winning that fight.

For starters, she's really bad at everything but cardio and I don't see her taking down Gadelha. It's more likely that Gadelha beats her anywhere she chooses to and makes it look uncompetitive.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 18:07

Jst0rm: Sep 16, 2012; Grimey Drawer

good op. good.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 18:08

Fork of Unknown Origins: Oct 21, 2005; Gotta Herd On?

Le Saboteur posted:

The UFC needs to keep Paige the hell away from Joanna for as long as they can while maintaining her as a legitimate contender. She's basically getting the same treatment Conor got right now to a lesser degree.

I don't really think so. They put her in against Herrig where if I remember right she was an underdog. It's not like they have a big list of great fighters in that division to put her in against either.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 19:31

Bluedeanie: Jul 20, 2008; It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?

As a prelude to the weighins, UFC is launching some press event ft. McGregor, Cormier and a shitton of other fighters on UFC.com right about now.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 20:49

mewse: May 2, 2006

I hope they're announcing a cross-promotion with Marvel

# ? Sep 4, 2015 20:59

NickRoweFillea: Sep 27, 2012; doin thangs

I hope Arlovski wins tonight.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 21:01

Mr. Creakle: Apr 27, 2007; Protecting your virginity

NickRoweFillea posted:

I hope Arlovski wins tonight.

Arlovski will murder Mir, Mighty Mouse will murder Dodson, Rumble will murder Manuwa. There will be murder all around.

Probably won't be many surprises this time but at least it's less dire than August :munch:

# ? Sep 4, 2015 21:11

henkman: Oct 8, 2008

Cuckoo posted:

Arlovski will murder Mir,

I don't think it's a given either way

# ? Sep 4, 2015 21:17

Mr. Creakle: Apr 27, 2007; Protecting your virginity

henkman posted:

I don't think it's a given either way

They're both kind of in a weird spot where they both seemed to be old fatweights who should've long since retired but out of nowhere got goodish again so who knows? But all things considered, I'd still bet on Arlovski if I were the type to.

# ? Sep 4, 2015 21:37