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Sgt. Shaved Balls
Sep 6, 2006

by Lowtax
You can cook chicken breast with your mind but only medium rare.

If you concentrate hard enough you can launch your eyes out of your head. But only once.

You can turn any animal under the size of a chicken into styrofoam upon touch.

You can fart nerve gas.

You can transform into any animal but that includes the mental abilities of said animal.

You can turn into a puddle of piss on demand.

Anyone who touches your anus/colon, instantly dies.

The power to transfer other peoples organs into your body via touch, but your body than rejects the organ and you die from toxic shock.

The power to read the minds of babies.

Sgt. Shaved Balls fucked around with this message at 09:47 on Sep 14, 2015

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Al Cowens
Aug 11, 2004

by WE B Bourgeois
A suit that shrinks you to the size of an ant.

phasmid
Jan 16, 2015

Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY
You have guns for arms, but you ran out of bullets years ago.

You are a werewolf with clinical depression who stays home during the full moon.

You can travel through space and time at random and fall into a black hole.

Your lung capacity is three percent higher than everybody else's, plus you resemble a fish.

You are a man with a woman's body.

phasmid
Jan 16, 2015

Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY
Your father was a circus clown who gave you a magic ring that lets you pursue a better career (he never wore it, claims it cursed).

You can drive a car with your mind, but your hands will automatically go through the motions while you are occupied.

You can see through walls, but windows and all transparent surfaces are opaque.

You are currently Ronnie James Dio.

Al Cowens
Aug 11, 2004

by WE B Bourgeois
You turn into a woman when splashed with cold water, and back to a man with warmer water.

Al Borland
Oct 29, 2006

by XyloJW
you can tell how many hairs a person has on their body at any given time, including how many hairs are on their body that are not theirs.

raton
Jul 28, 2003

by FactsAreUseless
You can alter your regdate on comedy webforums at will, without the use of a credit card, but you get pretty winded afterward.

Al Cowens
Aug 11, 2004

by WE B Bourgeois
You have precise control over swarms of hornets and shoot them out of your mouth at high velocities like bullets and also form wall shields out of them and stuff like that.

lonesomedwarf
Mar 22, 2010

depression

lonesomedwarf
Mar 22, 2010

Sheep-Goats posted:

You can alter your regdate on comedy webforums at will, without the use of a credit card, but you get pretty winded afterward.


Al Cowens posted:

You have precise control over swarms of hornets and shoot them out of your mouth at high velocities like bullets and also form wall shields out of them and stuff like that.

these siound prett. cool to me?

Al Borland
Oct 29, 2006

by XyloJW

Al Cowens posted:

You have precise control over swarms of hornets and shoot them out of your mouth at high velocities like bullets and also form wall shields out of them and stuff like that.

that sounds useful.

Try something like this.

You have the ability to change SA Forum User Lonesome Dwarfs avatar between 3 different bee images at will.

lonesomedwarf
Mar 22, 2010

sorry didnt mean to phrase that as a question. these sound prett. cool tro me

lonesomedwarf
Mar 22, 2010

please dont capitalise my name

Al Cowens
Aug 11, 2004

by WE B Bourgeois
You can say "I am groot" in over a dozen languages and you're paid a lot of money to do this.

phasmid
Jan 16, 2015

Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY
You can counterfeit money by touching it, but it's all marked bills.

You can fly in your sleep.

lonesomedwarf
Mar 22, 2010

you have really strong aems to lift things but your legs are proportionally weaker

phasmid
Jan 16, 2015

Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY
You can shapeshift into Idi Amin and nothing else.

Pitdragon
Jan 20, 2004
Just another lurker
you have the power to see 5 minutes into the future, but only while you're masturbating

phasmid
Jan 16, 2015

Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY
You have the power to speed dial the President preprogrammed on every phone you ever own.

Fart Puzzle
Jul 25, 2007

compressed fart pieces

You can boil toilet water with your mind but every time you do it a force compels you to make tea with the boiling toilet water

Al Cowens
Aug 11, 2004

by WE B Bourgeois
You can do whatever's going on in Fart Puzzle's avatar

Blurry Gray Thing
Jun 3, 2009
The power to be beneath everyone's notice unless they have a reason to care.

If you commit a crime, or try and take something that isn't yours, or are somewhere you shouldn't be, or owe somebody money, they notice you and remember. But they forget about you the rest of the time.

ziasquinn
Jan 1, 2006

Fallen Rib
Any water you touch turns lukewarm
Sounds convenient until you try to make coffee or drink anything hot, cause it goes almost cold.

ziasquinn
Jan 1, 2006

Fallen Rib
You can turn traffic lights green, but only after coming to complete stop

ziasquinn
Jan 1, 2006

Fallen Rib

Fart Puzzle posted:

You can boil toilet water with your mind but every time you do it a force compels you to make tea with the boiling toilet water

Al Borland posted:

you can tell how many hairs a person has on their body at any given time, including how many hairs are on their body that are not theirs.

phasmid posted:

You can drive a car with your mind, but your hands will automatically go through the motions while you are occupied.

You can see through walls, but windows and all transparent surfaces are opaque.
Lol

Blizzy_Cow
Feb 27, 2006
When one burns one's bridges, what a wonderful fire it makes
You can open any glass container with your butt hole

Hector Beerlioz
Jun 16, 2010

aw, hec
Meltman with the incredible power to melt

BigBallChunkyTime
Nov 25, 2011

Kyle Schwarber: World Series hero, Beefy Lad, better than you.

Illegal Hen
You always know what someone had for breakfast that morning.

You can always make your credit/debit card be read by the machine at the store on the first swipe.

Your shoelaces will never become untied.

AlexanderCA
Jul 21, 2010

by Cyrano4747
Let's invade Iraq.

Sgt. Shaved Balls
Sep 6, 2006

by Lowtax
You can make yourself age at hyper-speed, but you can't do it in reverse.

Your semen is molecular acid.

You can phase through things, but only if they are made of porcelain.

You can teleport to any planet in our solar system but only while naked.

You can change the color of your pubes at will.

Sgt. Shaved Balls
Sep 6, 2006

by Lowtax
You can control plants, but they don't move any faster than they normally would.

David D. Davidson
Nov 17, 2012

Orca lady?
You know exactly when former Power Rangers star David Yost is taking a dump.

Hell Yeah
Dec 25, 2012

the power to make my balls orbit each other like planets

ANIME IS BLOOD
Sep 4, 2008

by zen death robot

Al Cowens posted:

You have precise control over swarms of hornets and shoot them out of your mouth at high velocities like bullets and also form wall shields out of them and stuff like that.

lonesomedwarf posted:

these siound prett. cool to me?

modification: the hornets, however, still act like regular hornets and will attempt to sting the poo poo out of you, AND you're allergic

ANIME IS BLOOD
Sep 4, 2008

by zen death robot

AlexanderCA posted:

Let's invade Iraq.

You have the power to make any American president currently in office feel the unquenchable need to invade Iraq.

the holy poopacy
May 16, 2009

hey! check this out
Fun Shoe
You can sink baskets from anywhere on the court with 100% consistency, but only with a regulation American football.

You have heat vision, but all it does is make ice cream melt, nothing else. Also you can't turn it off.

You have photographic memory for bathroom graffiti.

You can instinctively tell how many dogs are within 6 feet of you at all times.

You are completely invisible to spiders.

Prehensile facial hair, but it's not any stronger than normal and you're completely poo poo at growing a beard.

You can hold your poop indefinitely but it doesn't get any less uncomfortable.

You have a regeneration factor for your teeth, nothing else.

X-ray tasting: you can taste food through walls.

You can tell if someone is bad at videogames by looking at them.

You can control the temperature of your urine, anything from freezing to boiling.

ANIME IS BLOOD
Sep 4, 2008

by zen death robot

Gabriel Pope posted:

You can sink baskets from anywhere on the court with 100% consistency, but only with a regulation American football.

You have heat vision, but all it does is make ice cream melt, nothing else. Also you can't turn it off.

You have photographic memory for bathroom graffiti.

You can instinctively tell how many dogs are within 6 feet of you at all times.

You are completely invisible to spiders.

Prehensile facial hair, but it's not any stronger than normal and you're completely poo poo at growing a beard.

You can hold your poop indefinitely but it doesn't get any less uncomfortable.

You have a regeneration factor for your teeth, nothing else.

X-ray tasting: you can taste food through walls.

You can tell if someone is bad at videogames by looking at them.

You can control the temperature of your urine, anything from freezing to boiling.

goddam these are good

By popular demand
Jul 17, 2007
Probation
Can't post for 14 hours!
You can make yourself care about whatever irrelevant bullshit is trending on the internet right now.

Paladinus
Jan 11, 2014

heyHEYYYY!!!
You know if people lie when they complement you. And it's apparently always.

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Nooner
Mar 26, 2011

AN A+ OPSTER (:
Power to have diarrhea lol

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