Marquis de Pyro posted:

Let me tell you about Kane

They say that 'anything can happen in the WWE' and they're right. Things change at the drop of a hat. New champions, new challengers, new debuts, new feuds, new craziness. Week to week, year to year, you never know what you'll get from the WWE. Hulk Hogan has been erased from history, Bret Hart is on the outs, now he's back in, the Undertaker is gone, nope, he's back. Shawn Michaels is retired, CM Punk's rear end has a lump on it, or does it? It's a constant state of flux. But there's one thing you can count on. Kane.

Al Snow looking for a tag team partner in SMW? Kane is knocking on the door.

Need an evil dentist? Kane is here.

Need a demon? It's Kane.

Corporate suit? Kane time.

Are you a general manager looking for a mystery opponent? BY GOD KING, THROUGH HELLFIRE AND BRIMSTONE, IT'S KANE. THE BIG RED MACHINE KANE, KANE, BAH GAWD, IT'S KANE.

Just need a reliable hand to show a youngster the ropes in the ring? Kane.

Want someone to take a bunch of time off and politic backstage when he's around? Look somewhere else, because that's not Kane.

If you need a senseless run in, the star of a mind bogglingly stupid angle, or a serial killer jacking his monster dong in a WWE Film, you call Kane and nobody else.

When a new champion emerges and needs to face a dangerous opponent to go over, you turn to Kane.

When a heel needs a reliable and deadly goon, you turn to Kane.

And when you've booked yourself into a corner, and you don't know what to do, you push the big red button labeled 'KANE', put the mask back on that big red son of a bitch, and let chaos kane.