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"Listen up kids" I said to my kids in a voice that was very serious because I wanted to be serious and to be taken, as such: "Listen up" I repeated.
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:44 |
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# ? Mar 19, 2024 04:42 |
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Around this time I remembered..... I have no children. No wife. Not anymore.
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:45 |
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owning of franco really took something out of you
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:45 |
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a starwar betamax posted:Around this time I remembered..... I have no children. No wife. You should get some wife's and children's and be a rad dad
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:46 |
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eat a dick op!
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:47 |
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proud to be a Creepy Uncle
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:47 |
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The walls were covered in thousands of photographs each carefully framed and hung because I try to take pride in my house I'm not some sort of slob like some of the other Kidless-Dads. I may not have a family, but I still have my dignity. Also I take bake the thing about there being thousands that was a but of dramatic flare where I took the existing script and I punched it up a few notches which is something you can expect from me if you stick with me for the rest of this story.
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:48 |
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"What other direction would I be listening in besides up dad?" - a fag
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:49 |
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i am looking forward to the rest of the story
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:51 |
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I'm guess that the story will involve a dad who lost his family to radioactivity. Like the dad in Godzilla.
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:52 |
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I hope I'm not scrambling your mundane "work-an-hour"-man's brains with my no-holds-barred unreliable narrator style but when you've seen the things I've see (lots) and been the places I've been, (lots)........ you'll change your tune to a horse of different color if you know what I'm talking about.
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:52 |
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the best part of this story was when you promised more story
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:53 |
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O.K..... rewind the clocks.... reset your watches, flip back the calender..... keep going.... keep going, I'll tell you when to stop. Stop. There we are, day one. The day it all went goose eggs. Feel free to insert a "record scratch" sound effect here, or whatever your media addled grey goo fills in the silence with like some sort of pokemon-themed tinnitus.
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:55 |
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSm1Rn7Prcs
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:56 |
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ghlbtsk posted:the best part of this story was when you promised more story the best thing about you is you will die someday
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:57 |
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*Clutches Christopher Nolan doll close to chest and listens intentntly*
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# ? Oct 13, 2015 23:59 |
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"You coming up for breakfast hon?" That's my wife talking. You know it's her because she sounds exactly like a screech owl if screech owls spoke English and invited you to breakfast.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:01 |
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Oh god, is this going to be another harrowing account of one man's--? I live for this poo poo.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:04 |
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Typically I didn't come up for breakfast and I had very specific list of reasons which I proudly kept in a bottom drawer of my desk 1. It's too early. 2. The kids hate me. 3. Wife hates me. 4. The photo. 5. I'm comfortable down here.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:05 |
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I think I figured out the ending but I'm not going to tell. Hint: it's crazy!!!
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:05 |
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So this is the point in your story where you may be asking yourself.... "why is this Dad staying away from his family?" And perhaps "Shouldn't he be the father that he was intended to be.....?" To which I respond by reminding you that you are just a reader of my story and you really don't have a say in my life and I was born in the year 1983 which "technically" makes me a member of the "Me" generation or whatever but I actually self-identify as a member of generation X because I grew up on the same rock and roll that my dad listened to and so any rebellious streak you sense has its antecedent............................... pre twitter. If you catch my drift. SO please shut up and listen.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:09 |
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:11 |
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Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. That's the sound of my ears watching the clock slowly time by....... as I sat at the breakfast table with the family. Surprise surprise, turns out I'm not a monster after all. I know your type..... getting your rocks out to disfunctional families. High fives all around everytime they trot out some sad sack pervert dad on the inside of the television. Oh good, another all american dad gets the axe. Cut his head off. Watch the blood. But not this time. We may have hated each other, but we all swallowed our feelings and sat together and said out bless. Just like we were supposed to. Just as if the photo didn't exist.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:14 |
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Flash back a little bit more before the section of the story where we are at right now. My choice of the word "flash" to start the previous sentence is actually pretty clever because it ties in with what happens next. We had taken the family to get our photo captured at Sears. (read: the Wife forced us to do this and I rebelled by wearing a vintage A-team shirt under my sweater and revealing it to her afterwards) As per their habit, the kids were out of control like a remote control airplane that is out of control because the remote control broke or ran out of batteries. And just like the remote control airplane in my previous simile.....we were about to crash, and burn.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:25 |
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"Sit here" the teenager running the camera told us even though he probably thinks the height of photography is selecting a "weathered" filter on instagram. Um, excuse me kid.... but I happen to remember when digital cameras had a lot lower resolution and so maybe I am the true expert here.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:28 |
keep going
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:29 |
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This kid finishes arranging us like Christmas time hams for the slaughterhouse and then saddles up into the camera..... "say cheese" he says. I go ahead and say it because you have to pick your battles with these sort of things.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:30 |
a starwar betamax when are we going to trade pogs
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:32 |
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FLASH! Suddenly, the world goes Everest-style.....snow white. I blink my eyes. Once, twice. I feel the kids squirming beside me.... doubtless ready to get back to their Angry Birds and Fruit Niggas. Speaking of which, and this is something that occurred to me in the moment of the blinding light like an epiphany of light: why are video games so easy these days. I remember it taking me YEARS to beat Prince of Persia. Now-days kids just smash their fingers on a screen and BAM you have 10,000 points! This is just a quick aside but I feel like it is worth brining up as it's something nobody's really talking about.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:37 |
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Another day in the life of Nacho-Dad Andy Average.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:39 |
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I am a rad dad. Here is some advice; be a rad not a dad.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:39 |
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Long story short..... the camera-clown ambles over to a computer, smashes some buttons, calls the wife over. I stop paying attention at this point and "q" up the latest Marc Maron podcast episode on my Sandisk Clip.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:42 |
a starwars alphamax
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:42 |
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So skip ahead a bit here to miss the boring parts where they print out the photos and we have to walk around Sears for an hour waiting and we look at the Craft-man tools and I consider buying a dremel tool that looks like an electric toothbrush and then look up a bunch of projects on instructable while the kids complain about everything and thinking about the Darth Vader Lego USB dock I'm going to make almost makes the time pass quick but not really.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:46 |
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this story is amazing
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:50 |
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We get back in the Scion like a very small crowd of clowns that are meant to be boring instead of funny. Wife drives of course because she has to always be in control and because my tricked knees are acting up after all the walking we did in Sears. She tosses the photos on my lap as if I'm supposed to care. I pull the photos out and take a quick cursory glace just to be polite. Then I take a longer glance. This is what we call a "doubled take" Before long my eyes are glued to the photo and I'm gripping on to it with all of my fingers and I'm holding it up close and then squinting and then shaking my head and then I'm looking at my family and then I'm looking back at the photo, this goes on for a while.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:53 |
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"This is not us"
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:54 |
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a starwar betamax posted:So skip ahead a bit here to miss the boring parts where they print out the photos and we have to walk around Sears for an hour waiting and we look at the Craft-man tools and I consider buying a dremel tool that looks like an electric toothbrush and then look up a bunch of projects on instructable while the kids complain about everything and thinking about the Darth Vader Lego USB dock I'm going to make almost makes the time pass quick but not really. Craftsman has no hyphen, human being-man.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 00:59 |
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did u get a divorce?
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 01:12 |
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# ? Mar 19, 2024 04:42 |
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Lord Binky posted:proud to be a Creepy Uncle nobody ever thinks some kid is gonna spend their whole life thinking of them as the crazy uncle but here we are.
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# ? Oct 14, 2015 01:17 |