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a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
"Listen up kids" I said to my kids in a voice that was very serious because I wanted to be serious and to be taken, as such: "Listen up" I repeated.

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a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
Around this time I remembered..... I have no children. No wife.


Not anymore.

Dang It Bhabhi!
May 27, 2004



ASK ME ABOUT
BEING
ESCULA GRIND'S
#1 SIMP

owning of franco really took something out of you

King of Bees
Dec 28, 2012
Gravy Boat 2k

a starwar betamax posted:

Around this time I remembered..... I have no children. No wife.


Not anymore.

You should get some wife's and children's and be a rad dad

Gaunab
Feb 13, 2012
LUFTHANSA YOU FUCKING DICKWEASEL
eat a dick op!

Michael Bayleaf
Jun 4, 2006

Tortured By Flan
proud to be a Creepy Uncle

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
The walls were covered in thousands of photographs each carefully framed and hung because I try to take pride in my house I'm not some sort of slob like some of the other Kidless-Dads. I may not have a family, but I still have my dignity.

Also I take bake the thing about there being thousands that was a but of dramatic flare where I took the existing script and I punched it up a few notches which is something you can expect from me if you stick with me for the rest of this story.

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015
Probation
Can't post for 10 years!
"What other direction would I be listening in besides up dad?"



- a fag

treasure bear
Dec 10, 2012

i am looking forward to the rest of the story

SHISHKABOB
Nov 30, 2012

Fun Shoe
I'm guess that the story will involve a dad who lost his family to radioactivity. Like the dad in Godzilla.

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
I hope I'm not scrambling your mundane "work-an-hour"-man's brains with my no-holds-barred unreliable narrator style but when you've seen the things I've see (lots) and been the places I've been, (lots)........ you'll change your tune to a horse of different color if you know what I'm talking about.

ghlbtsk
Apr 19, 2005

these bath mats
are
GORGEOUS
the best part of this story was when you promised more story

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
O.K..... rewind the clocks.... reset your watches, flip back the calender..... keep going.... keep going, I'll tell you when to stop. Stop.

There we are, day one. The day it all went goose eggs.

Feel free to insert a "record scratch" sound effect here, or whatever your media addled grey goo fills in the silence with like some sort of pokemon-themed tinnitus.

100 HOGS AGREE
Oct 13, 2007
Grimey Drawer
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSm1Rn7Prcs

Dang It Bhabhi!
May 27, 2004



ASK ME ABOUT
BEING
ESCULA GRIND'S
#1 SIMP

ghlbtsk posted:

the best part of this story was when you promised more story

the best thing about you is you will die someday

Ork of Fiction
Jul 22, 2013
*Clutches Christopher Nolan doll close to chest and listens intentntly*

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
"You coming up for breakfast hon?"

That's my wife talking. You know it's her because she sounds exactly like a screech owl if screech owls spoke English and invited you to breakfast.

The Skeleton King
Jul 16, 2011

Right now undead are at the top of my shit list. Undead are complete fuckers. Those geists are fuckers. Necromancers are fuckers. Necrosavants are big time fuckers. Skeletons aren't too bad except when they bleed everyone in the company. Zombos are at least not too bad.


Oh god, is this going to be another harrowing account of one man's--? I live for this poo poo.

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
Typically I didn't come up for breakfast and I had very specific list of reasons which I proudly kept in a bottom drawer of my desk

1. It's too early.
2. The kids hate me.
3. Wife hates me.
4. The photo.
5. I'm comfortable down here.

King of Bees
Dec 28, 2012
Gravy Boat 2k
I think I figured out the ending but I'm not going to tell. Hint: it's crazy!!!

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
So this is the point in your story where you may be asking yourself.... "why is this Dad staying away from his family?" And perhaps "Shouldn't he be the father that he was intended to be.....?" To which I respond by reminding you that you are just a reader of my story and you really don't have a say in my life and I was born in the year 1983 which "technically" makes me a member of the "Me" generation or whatever but I actually self-identify as a member of generation X because I grew up on the same rock and roll that my dad listened to and so any rebellious streak you sense has its antecedent............................... pre twitter. If you catch my drift.

SO please shut up and listen.

whoflungpoop
Sep 9, 2004

With you and the constellations
:stwoon::allears:

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.

That's the sound of my ears watching the clock slowly time by....... as I sat at the breakfast table with the family. Surprise surprise, turns out I'm not a monster after all.

I know your type..... getting your rocks out to disfunctional families. High fives all around everytime they trot out some sad sack pervert dad on the inside of the television. Oh good, another all american dad gets the axe. Cut his head off. Watch the blood.

But not this time.

We may have hated each other, but we all swallowed our feelings and sat together and said out bless. Just like we were supposed to.

Just as if the photo didn't exist.

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
Flash back a little bit more before the section of the story where we are at right now. My choice of the word "flash" to start the previous sentence is actually pretty clever because it ties in with what happens next.

We had taken the family to get our photo captured at Sears. (read: the Wife forced us to do this and I rebelled by wearing a vintage A-team shirt under my sweater and revealing it to her afterwards) As per their habit, the kids were out of control like a remote control airplane that is out of control because the remote control broke or ran out of batteries. And just like the remote control airplane in my previous simile.....we were about to crash, and burn.

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
"Sit here" the teenager running the camera told us even though he probably thinks the height of photography is selecting a "weathered" filter on instagram. Um, excuse me kid.... but I happen to remember when digital cameras had a lot lower resolution and so maybe I am the true expert here.

a whole buncha crows
May 8, 2003

WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO TO HATE, WE HATE OURSELVES.-SA USER NATION (AKA ME!)
keep going

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
This kid finishes arranging us like Christmas time hams for the slaughterhouse and then saddles up into the camera..... "say cheese" he says. I go ahead and say it because you have to pick your battles with these sort of things.

Fluo
May 25, 2007

a starwar betamax when are we going to trade pogs

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
FLASH!

Suddenly, the world goes Everest-style.....snow white.

I blink my eyes. Once, twice. I feel the kids squirming beside me.... doubtless ready to get back to their Angry Birds and Fruit Niggas.

Speaking of which, and this is something that occurred to me in the moment of the blinding light like an epiphany of light: why are video games so easy these days. I remember it taking me YEARS to beat Prince of Persia. Now-days kids just smash their fingers on a screen and BAM you have 10,000 points! This is just a quick aside but I feel like it is worth brining up as it's something nobody's really talking about.

Redmanred
Aug 29, 2005

My hometown japan
:japan:
Another day in the life of Nacho-Dad Andy Average.

Germstore
Oct 17, 2012

A Serious Candidate For a Serious Time
I am a rad dad. Here is some advice; be a rad not a dad.

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
Long story short..... the camera-clown ambles over to a computer, smashes some buttons, calls the wife over. I stop paying attention at this point and "q" up the latest Marc Maron podcast episode on my Sandisk Clip.

Fluo
May 25, 2007

a starwars alphamax

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
So skip ahead a bit here to miss the boring parts where they print out the photos and we have to walk around Sears for an hour waiting and we look at the Craft-man tools and I consider buying a dremel tool that looks like an electric toothbrush and then look up a bunch of projects on instructable while the kids complain about everything and thinking about the Darth Vader Lego USB dock I'm going to make almost makes the time pass quick but not really.

Luvcow
Jul 1, 2007

One day nearer spring
this story is amazing

:f5:

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
We get back in the Scion like a very small crowd of clowns that are meant to be boring instead of funny. Wife drives of course because she has to always be in control and because my tricked knees are acting up after all the walking we did in Sears.

She tosses the photos on my lap as if I'm supposed to care.

I pull the photos out and take a quick cursory glace just to be polite.

Then I take a longer glance.

This is what we call a "doubled take"

Before long my eyes are glued to the photo and I'm gripping on to it with all of my fingers and I'm holding it up close and then squinting and then shaking my head and then I'm looking at my family and then I'm looking back at the photo, this goes on for a while.

a star war betamax
Sep 17, 2011

by Lowtax
Gary’s Answer
"This is not us"

Germstore
Oct 17, 2012

A Serious Candidate For a Serious Time

a starwar betamax posted:

So skip ahead a bit here to miss the boring parts where they print out the photos and we have to walk around Sears for an hour waiting and we look at the Craft-man tools and I consider buying a dremel tool that looks like an electric toothbrush and then look up a bunch of projects on instructable while the kids complain about everything and thinking about the Darth Vader Lego USB dock I'm going to make almost makes the time pass quick but not really.

Craftsman has no hyphen, human being-man.

dad gay. so what
Feb 18, 2003

by FactsAreUseless
did u get a divorce?

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Jellidelic
Nov 28, 2011

Lord Binky posted:

proud to be a Creepy Uncle

nobody ever thinks some kid is gonna spend their whole life thinking of them as the crazy uncle but here we are.

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