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Surely there are more stories about Fart Cup and Wiffle Dick
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Nov 15, 2015 17:55
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Goons would vote for the anti-social creep with a pregnancy fetish.
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Nov 15, 2015 17:58
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voted for wiffle dick i bet he's a submissive cuck now
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Nov 15, 2015 18:05
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Pretty nice of you to not rename fart-cup to horse-fucker.
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Nov 15, 2015 18:10
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phobo posted:Pretty nice of you to not rename fart-cup to horse-fucker. There are many horse fuckers among us but only one Fart Cup.
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Nov 15, 2015 18:44
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Kitten ahead by the skin of his teeth. I am rooting for you, little kitty.
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Nov 15, 2015 18:48
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Not only is Dawn-Tard my favorite, but she has the most comedy potential IMO. Malicious goons are voting for pregnant Mike because he has the best chance of injuring our psychotic OP. Also, fartcup might want revenge to repair his bestial reputation.
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Nov 15, 2015 18:56
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Jeff
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Nov 15, 2015 18:57
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I vote none OP, because you sound like a bully and they probably don't need you in their lives. 
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Nov 15, 2015 19:41
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Airborne Viking posted:I vote none OP, because you sound like a bully and they probably don't need you in their lives. I didn't beat any dicks with wiffle ball bats, or commit armed sexual mischief with a horse and I was neither accomplice nor witness to the wrapping of that boy in tape and his abandonment on the cold tile floor of a lightless basement for three days. I never even teased Dawn-Tard with feigned affections and false promises of providing her the opportunity to act and feel like a normal girl for one night. We all did what we felt we must to survive our time in that place, but I only ever hurt myself. Myself and a highway department storage facility. And a Lincoln Town Car.
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Nov 15, 2015 20:17
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Fat Lowtax posted:Jeff "The Bugger of Mt. Vernon Memorial Cemetery" Jeff or Officer "Blow Jobs Make Traffic Tickets Disappear" Jeff?
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Nov 15, 2015 20:20
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Little kitty breaking away !! Keep gaining momentum, dear sweet critter.
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Nov 15, 2015 20:20
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So, what is the story behind fart cup being forced at gun point to commit acts of beastiality? The events that led to this? I need to know the whole story before I commit my vote, I'm torn between him and wiffle dick.
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Nov 15, 2015 20:34
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scopes posted:Surely there are more stories about Fart Cup I've no doubt but none that I know. His family lived just a mile down the road from mine but my siblings and I didn't really hang out or play with them. Their house always smelled like dirty diapers and rancid hamburger grease. The most I can give you is a little more detail on the story I do know - Ultimo Hombre posted:So, what is the story behind fart cup being forced at gun point to commit acts of beastiality? The events that led to this? I need to know the whole story before I commit my vote, I'm torn between him and wiffle dick. It goes like this: Me, my brothers and some cousins were hanging out at an aunt's house for some big all-day holiday gathering, maybe Independence Day. The children ran about and played outdoors while the adults hanged around close to the house. A few unrelated kids from around town drifted in and out through the day, including the hapless Fart Cup who was just tagging along with some other kids that were nice enough not to tell him to kick dirt back to his burger and baby poo poo homestead. My cousin, whose home this was, had always been a bit of a serial-killer-in-training type. It was this cousin who taught me what the inside of a two week old beagle puppy looks like when you shoot it in half with a 12 gauge shotgun. (spoiler: it looks like Kraft macaroni & cheese). And it was this cousin who had previously manipulated my older brother into riding his brand new red and white Huffy bicycle out of the hay loft of a three-story high barn with promises of a safe landing in a tarp-covered 1000 gallon water tank and the glory of eternal fame as a tested and verified bad rear end dude who took poo poo from no one and no thing, including gravity and inertia. In reality, organizing the daredevil bike stunt was only to provide my cousin amusement when he got to see what happens when a fourteen year old boy and a dirt bike fall thirty feel into an empty steel water tank. I have a feeling my cousin started brainstorming some entertaining act of cruelty the moment he first noticed Fart Cup wandering up the drive way towards my Aunt's house. Fart Cup was the perfect victim. Weird, unhygienic, friendless and dumb, every other kid at this party would get a kick and a laugh from something horrible happening to Fart Cup. My cousin went into his house and came back after a few minutes with a wooden box tucked under his arm. He declared we other kids were to follow him over a barbed wire fence and into the pasture beyond. We were told he had smuggled away a quarter-powered stick of dynamite, a fairly common item to find on large plots of country land for quick and easy excavation and demolition. The plan was for us to walk across the pasture far from my Aunt's home and fire off the explosives. As my cousin passed in front of the barn on his way toward the edge of the yard he stooped to pick up a small wooden stool and carried it along. The pack of kids walked across the open pasture, crested a hill and then descended towards a grove of trees at the bottom of a shallow valley. We dipped below the line of sight of any adult back at the house. At the edge of the woodline were three horses loitering in the shade and minding their business. Sighting the horses my first thought was that the crazy fucker at the head of this expedition planed to blow up a live horse. Considering what I knew of my cousin it was not an outrageous notion. I had no time to consider an exploding horse and the possibilities of the aftermath because within half a second of my having formed the thought our enjoyable family holiday in the sun became a gut-wrenching nightmare scene from the movie Tarantino would have filmed if Tarantino wrote movies about vicious teen sociopaths lurking in the rural agricultural counties of the American Midwest. In an instant the wooden box and stool my cousin had carried were on the ground and the barrel of a jet-black hand gun was shoved into Fart Cup's slack-jawed mouth. At once children shrieked, Fart Cup burst into convulsing, drooling sobs of terror and my cousin half chanted, half growled "YOU ARE GOING TO GET ON THAT STOOL AND gently caress THAT HORSE RIGHT THE gently caress THIS INSTANT OR I WILL loving KILL YOU DEAD RIGHT HERE AND NOW DO YOU HEAR ME? I WILL SURE AS gently caress DO IT BOY. PICK UP THAT GOD DAMNED STOOL." Children scattered and ran, some back toward the house for the security and safety of adult supervision, some into the woods in an instinctual, animal need for cover and concealment within the trees. I had chosen to make for the house. I therefore did not see the unnatural sex act. Information and details pieced together later from both grown-ups and other kids makes it clear Fart Cup decided the threat to his life was real and he did exactly what boy with the gun ordered him to do. It was no cruel rumor or local folk tale. My Aunt and Uncle placed my cousin in some hospital somewhere and I did not see him again until he was well into his thirties. These days he rarely shifts the focus of his eyes away from the ground at the tips of his toes and he speaks soft and low and uses few words. He has a daughter whom he cares for and raises alone because the girl's mother was raped and murdered in a home invasion/robbery by some meth dealers that knew my cousin. He makes his living doing unskilled labor and running errands for a local auto mechanic's shop owned and operated by his older brother who, if you are wondering, is very normal and stable and sane. Fart Cup continued being Fart Cup more-or-less, if a bit quieter, more shy, and more likely to be called Mister Ed by some of the kids at school.
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Nov 15, 2015 22:15
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fart cup has my vote 
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Nov 15, 2015 23:50
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also op it's n ot fair of you to put the safety option of the kitten there, as that one was a shoo in and kept you from having to keep your dumb promises
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Nov 15, 2015 23:50
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Christ, now I kind of regret asking for the story. Fart Cup has my vote on sympathy alone.
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Nov 16, 2015 01:25
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nomadologique posted:also op it's n ot fair of you to put the safety option of the kitten there, as that one was a shoo in and kept you from having to keep your dumb promises I don't want some trash give-away parking lot cat. Those kittens looked sticky.
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Nov 16, 2015 01:58
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hmm...after careful consideration, I think you should pay attention to the AIDS in your life, op
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Nov 16, 2015 02:18
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Tarranon posted:hmm...after careful consideration, I think you should pay attention to the AIDS in your life, op I doubt you were all that careful.
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Nov 16, 2015 02:53
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yeah i probably should have used protection while reading this thread ahhahaha *turns dead serious and looks at u* 
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Nov 16, 2015 03:04
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Nov 16, 2015 03:23
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Jim Barris posted:Wow, drat, the mid-west is hosed up. I'm sure glad I grew up in non-rural California.
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Nov 16, 2015 05:05
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Yeah, it's a pretty universally held opinion there's nothing one could consider "hosed up" about the coastal cities of California.
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Nov 16, 2015 08:32
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Tell us more about your horrifying youth I had a neighbor that would shoot his border collie with a BB gun to impress the other boys. He later moved to missouri and I'm sure everything worked out great
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Nov 16, 2015 09:01
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Rando posted:I don't want some trash give-away parking lot cat. Those kittens looked sticky. Probably all had FIV, anyhow
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Nov 16, 2015 19:08
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Dawn Tard wins my sympathy vote. Why did Tape Mummy get in trouble? If he didn't rat, whatever. Don't suspend the kid for being trapped for three days. Also what is with Best Friend of Summer 1988? How did he know all those things? Was he a stalker? Or was that forced friendship that you pretend not to remember 
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Nov 16, 2015 19:20
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Avocados posted:Dawn Tard wins my sympathy vote. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3751591&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1#post452751266 I think I summed it up well
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Nov 16, 2015 19:22
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Rando posted:We all did what we felt we must to survive our time in that place This is my personal justification for my elementary school years. I kinda wish I voted on Pregnant Mike. I get the impression he was a decent guy, bubbling with warmth and excitement over his new baby. But OPs description makes him sound creepy and foreboding?
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Nov 16, 2015 19:26
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Avocados posted:Pregnant Mike. I get the impression he was a decent guy, bubbling with warmth and excitement over his new baby. But OPs description makes him sound creepy and foreboding? I hope I didn't mischaracterize the lumberjack sized teen that lurks on the edge of humanity and smiles to himself while muttering impossible weirdness.
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Nov 16, 2015 20:15
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Voting for tape mummy because he understands that snitches get stitches, perhaps better than any of us
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Nov 16, 2015 20:23
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Jesus Christ, OP. e: good thread though. I do not want to live where you lived.
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Nov 16, 2015 21:12
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sout posted:Jesus Christ, OP. It's beautiful country, quiet and clean. Sweeping expanses of river plain abutting thick forests of hickory and oak. Clear night skies with no light pollution diminishing the band of the Milky Way. A rich variety of abundant wild life. Antebellum mansions, tightly packed Main Streets that look like a back lot set of a western film, little farmsteads in the middle of rolling prairie worked by the same family for two hundred years. You take a look around and it's like you live in this -  And then you learn a thing or two about some of your neighbors and suddenly - 
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Nov 16, 2015 21:52
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Thanks, guys, for helping me decide who to befriend. I drove to Wal-Mart today and picked up my new cat. It was still there in the parking lot chewing garbage. I call it Scabs. I haven't been able to get a close enough look to see if kitty is a girl or a boy. Scabs seems like a gender-neutral name and it fits because of the little brown flakes. It will take some time for him/her to adjust. Right now Scabs just hides under the sofa and attacks anyone who turns their back to him/her. Glad I got a playful one! Thanks again. You all have been super helpful. 
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Nov 23, 2015 00:59
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Kids today are pussies compared to the Tape Mummy.
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Jan 27, 2016 22:53
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This is still a great thread to re-read btw
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Jan 27, 2016 22:59
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Voted b4 reading and happy with my premature choice of pregnant mike
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Jan 27, 2016 23:05
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fart cup required the least effort to read voted goku
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Jan 28, 2016 00:19
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I don't know who I'm voting for in the poll, but I'm voting this thread 5
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Jan 28, 2016 02:03
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gently caress you can't vote in polls in the awful app
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Jan 28, 2016 02:13
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