What were ancient egyptians?

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > What were ancient egyptians?

concerned mom: Apr 22, 2003; by Lowtax; Grimey Drawer

I like the bit where they were trying to work out which culture was oldest so they got some babies and put them in a room and the first word any one of them spoke was the egyptian word for bread so hey egypt is the oldest.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 13:18

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 10:52

TheIllestVillain: Dec 27, 2011; Sal, Wyoming's not a country

Ibogaine posted:

And she was basically the end product of centuries of Macedonian incest.

she was also maybe part egytpian and persian

that bitch was defo hairy, probably had a mustache

# ? Nov 16, 2015 13:20

Randarkman: Jul 18, 2011

Left-to-right: Libyan, Nubian, Syrian, Egyptian

Same deal, from top left: Syrians, Nubians, Libyans, Egyptians, Syrians again (I think)

("Syria" in this context is pretty much modern day Syria, Jordan, Israel, Palestine and Lebanon, "Syrian" could also be replaced with "Asiatic")

Randarkman fucked around with this message at 13:27 on Nov 16, 2015

# ? Nov 16, 2015 13:22

phasmid: Jan 16, 2015; Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY

Wait a sec. The Ptolemy's were incestuous? I knew they were into all the kinda stuff that Macedonians were into, but I thought they married locals to make themselves seem more legit.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 13:23

Randarkman: Jul 18, 2011

phasmid posted:

Wait a sec. The Ptolemy's were incestuous? I knew they were into all the kinda stuff that Macedonians were into, but I thought they married locals to make themselves seem more legit.

In fact they were incestuous to make themselves more legit. Gotta preserve the divine blood of Pharaoh.

e: Not all Ptolemies were the result of incest, many of the earliest ones married Greek or Macedonian noblewomen, but eventually it was just an endless series of Ptolemies marrying Cleopatras.

Randarkman fucked around with this message at 13:26 on Nov 16, 2015

# ? Nov 16, 2015 13:24

phasmid: Jan 16, 2015; Booty Shaker
SILENT MAJORITY

Randarkman posted:

In fact they were incestuous to make themselves more legit. Gotta preserve the divine blood of Pharaoh.

Roger. That actually makes sense. In that primeval sort of way.

e. vv Would explain why everyone said that Cleopatra relied more on her charisma than her looks.

phasmid fucked around with this message at 13:28 on Nov 16, 2015

# ? Nov 16, 2015 13:26

KiteAuraan: Aug 5, 2014; JER GEDDA FERDA RADDA ARA!

phasmid posted:

Wait a sec. The Ptolemy's were incestuous? I knew they were into all the kinda stuff that Macedonians were into, but I thought they married locals to make themselves seem more legit.

They were almost Hapsburg level inbred.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 13:27

Randarkman: Jul 18, 2011

KiteAuraan posted:

They were almost Hapsburg level inbred.

The Hapsburgs don't have nothing on the Ptolemies when it comes to inbreeding.

Note the number of Cleopatras married to Ptolemies. I think some of the Arsinoes are sister-brides as well.

At least the Hapsburgs tried branching out before they closed in on themselves.

Randarkman fucked around with this message at 13:33 on Nov 16, 2015

# ? Nov 16, 2015 13:28

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

phasmid posted:

Roger. That actually makes sense. In that primeval sort of way.

e. vv Would explain why everyone said that Cleopatra relied more on her charisma than her looks.

Cleopatra sucked a lot of dicks. Dick sucking was practically the national pastime in her day. Also women would rub alligator poo poo in their cooch as a contraceptive.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 13:38

criscodisco: Feb 18, 2004; do it

They were into inbreeding, so most were born with hip dysplasia and parvo and weird knobby knees and poo poo.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 14:57

a whole buncha crows: May 8, 2003; WHEN WE DON'T KNOW WHO TO HATE, WE HATE OURSELVES.-SA USER NATION (AKA ME!)

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Cleopatra sucked a lot of dicks. Dick sucking was practically the national pastime in her day.

do you just keep this going for cultural heritage reasons?

# ? Nov 16, 2015 15:16

Ahundredbux: Oct 25, 2007; The right to bear arms

Humans have been proven to be unable to work with stone and constructing the non-euclidean geometric shapes known as "pyramids" therefor it is aliens

# ? Nov 16, 2015 15:21

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

Nation posted:

do you just keep this going for cultural heritage reasons?

Dick sucking was the first form of politics. And no sir, I am not into politics. :colbert:

# ? Nov 16, 2015 15:26

zimboe: Aug 3, 2012; FIRST EBOLA GOON AVOID ALL POSTS SPEWING EBLOA SHIT POSTS EVERWHERE
I'm literally retarded

Pre-honkies.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 15:35

satanic splash-back: Jan 28, 2009

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Dick sucking was the first form of politics. And no sir, I am not into politics.

I see you go by the nomenclature "poli-sci major."

# ? Nov 16, 2015 15:36

monkey: Jan 20, 2004; by zen death robot; Yams Fan

Ahundredbux posted:

Humans have been proven to be unable to work with stone and constructing the non-euclidean geometric shapes known as "pyramids" therefor it is aliens

Euclid wrote the theory of volume for pyramids, they're about as Euclidean as it gets.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 15:39

flick my Mr. Bean: Nov 18, 2014

whoflungpoop posted:

random things about egyptians

they shaved their heads to prevent lice. they also brushed their teeth and washed their hands regularly

jews didnt build the pyramids, they were built 1000 years before the israelites even existed. the labor force were egyptian peasants who provided labor as their tax for 2-3 months during the year, when the nile was flooding and there was nothing they needed to do in their fields anyway. though the labor was mandatory and the work extremely dangerous -- new workers would start out in the quarries and then move up from there to only slightly less dangerous work -- there were a number of advantages for the average peasant, including that they got to eat meat several times a week, all their food beer housing and medical care was provided for, and that all people who died during the construction were buried with dignity near the pyramid they were constructing, which actually meant a lot to them spiritually. they were also organized into units which competed against each other to reach certain construction goals at which they would be rewarded with extra beer and stuff. they would also gang tag their construction areas with their crew names like "friends of khufu" and "the king's drunkards". excavations have found from the construction sites with all kinds of mundane managerial-level communications, like asking for more bakeries to be built or complaining about how drunk the workers were

at one point ancient egypt passed a law requiring women's bodies to lay for three days before being taken for mummification because the priests were molesting the corpses

e: as time went on, a lot of pharaohs would have construction materials from older tombs and monuments from kings removed and re-used in their own buildings, which makes for a hell of a lot of fun for egyptologists to have to sort thru

compared to the average understanding of the pyramids' construction, that sounds pretty okay. Kind of like how I heard life under ghengis khan's rule was pretty swell once he was done conquering you.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 15:41

Ahundredbux: Oct 25, 2007; The right to bear arms

monkey posted:

Euclid wrote the theory of volume for pyramids, they're about as Euclidean as it gets.

see that's where it gets complicated, euclid was actually an alien himself

# ? Nov 16, 2015 15:57

steinrokkan: Apr 2, 2011; Soiled Meat

like you can calculate the -actual- volume of a pyramid, wake up

# ? Nov 16, 2015 16:00

ashgromnies: Jun 19, 2004

whoflungpoop posted:

random things about egyptians

they shaved their heads to prevent lice. they also brushed their teeth and washed their hands regularly

jews didnt build the pyramids, they were built 1000 years before the israelites even existed. the labor force were egyptian peasants who provided labor as their tax for 2-3 months during the year, when the nile was flooding and there was nothing they needed to do in their fields anyway. though the labor was mandatory and the work extremely dangerous -- new workers would start out in the quarries and then move up from there to only slightly less dangerous work -- there were a number of advantages for the average peasant, including that they got to eat meat several times a week, all their food beer housing and medical care was provided for, and that all people who died during the construction were buried with dignity near the pyramid they were constructing, which actually meant a lot to them spiritually. they were also organized into units which competed against each other to reach certain construction goals at which they would be rewarded with extra beer and stuff. they would also gang tag their construction areas with their crew names like "friends of khufu" and "the king's drunkards". excavations have found from the construction sites with all kinds of mundane managerial-level communications, like asking for more bakeries to be built or complaining about how drunk the workers were

at one point ancient egypt passed a law requiring women's bodies to lay for three days before being taken for mummification because the priests were molesting the corpses

e: as time went on, a lot of pharaohs would have construction materials from older tombs and monuments from kings removed and re-used in their own buildings, which makes for a hell of a lot of fun for egyptologists to have to sort thru

how did the israelites magically pop into existence from nothingness 1000 years later? god?

# ? Nov 16, 2015 16:00

Ka0: Sep 16, 2002; AS A PROUD GAMERGATER THE ONLY THING I HATE MORE THAN WOMEN ARE GAYS AND TRANS PEOPLE

Aliens invented math after all.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 16:01

concerned mom: Apr 22, 2003; by Lowtax; Grimey Drawer

steinrokkan posted:

like you can calculate the -actual- volume of a pyramid, wake up

its easy you just fill it with water and then measure the water

# ? Nov 16, 2015 16:06

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

satanic splash-back posted:

I see you go by the nomenclature "poli-sci major."

Those ppl all suck mad cocks.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 16:10

zimboe: Aug 3, 2012; FIRST EBOLA GOON AVOID ALL POSTS SPEWING EBLOA SHIT POSTS EVERWHERE
I'm literally retarded

concerned mom posted:

its easy you just fill it with water and then measure the water

Thats how they got the base support land of the pyramid dead-nuts level.

Dig trenches in a grid, flood them, plane off the dirt or stone level to the water.
No more accurate method exists.

Brilliant.

They were just as smart as we are, just not as good a tool-set.

zimboe fucked around with this message at 16:50 on Nov 16, 2015

# ? Nov 16, 2015 16:12

OXBALLS DOT COM: Sep 11, 2005; by FactsAreUseless; Young Orc

ashgromnies posted:

how did the israelites magically pop into existence from nothingness 1000 years later? god?

jews are khazarites so theyre not from the area at all

# ? Nov 16, 2015 16:40

HJE-Cobra: Jul 15, 2007; Bear Witness; Hell Gem

I like that episode of Futurama where they say that the ancient Egyptians taught aliens the secret to space travel.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 16:57

monkey: Jan 20, 2004; by zen death robot; Yams Fan

concerned mom posted:

its easy you just fill it with water and then measure the water

How do you fill a stone with water? I think you are confusing this with Archimedes bathtub. You measure volume by filling a tub to the brim and measuring how much water gets displaced when you drop a thing in. This is clear evidence that Euclid was in fact an alien, since only aliens had access to bathtubs big enough to drop a pyramid in, ie. flying saucers.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 17:10

criscodisco: Feb 18, 2004; do it

monkey posted:

How do you fill a stone with water? I think you are confusing this with Archimedes bathtub. You measure volume by filling a tub to the brim and measuring how much water gets displaced when you drop a thing in. This is clear evidence that Euclid was in fact an alien, since only aliens had access to bathtubs big enough to drop a pyramid in, ie. flying saucers.

Did the spaceships have to take the whales out before they put the pyramids in or did they just swim around them?

# ? Nov 16, 2015 18:11

whoflungpoop: Sep 9, 2004; With you and the constellations

Robo Reagan posted:

they brushed their teeth but they still had really bad teeth because it turns out when you live in a pre-modern desert before you can wrap everything in plastic sand gets in all your loving food

it wasnt just the sand, it was for the same reason that every agrarian-based civilization until the very modern times had bad teeth, that the grain was milled with stone and the resulting bread was gritty as gently caress and years of eating it wore the enamel off the teeth.

the only ppl in older times who tended to keep a mouth full of decent teeth were steppe tribes bc their diet was predominantly meat and milk

dog buttz posted:

compared to the average understanding of the pyramids' construction, that sounds pretty okay. Kind of like how I heard life under ghengis khan's rule was pretty swell once he was done conquering you.

it was relatively ok, compared to slavery itself, but it was still very deadly. a lot of the bones egyptologists have excavated from the worker cemetaries around pyramids show cartoonishly-bad injuries, like 4000 years later u can still see where some rock crushed the gently caress out of this poor guy's leg. but on the other hand the very nature of the grueling labor was what forced the egyptians to actually set up medical camps and to feed them well with meat, which is something that the average peasant simply couldnt afford to eat otherwise. also free beer always makes men happy

egypt did use slaves like everyone else did, and depending on the era they might have campaigns into the levant and surely did have jewish slaves now and then, but the majority of their slaves were either nubians from kush to the south or captured libyan desert tribes to the west

whoflungpoop fucked around with this message at 18:43 on Nov 16, 2015

# ? Nov 16, 2015 18:25

dad gay. so what: Feb 18, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

let my people go

# ? Nov 16, 2015 18:44

raton: Jul 28, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

Jews make terrible slaves, stupid Egyptians

# ? Nov 16, 2015 18:47

Moridin920: Nov 15, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

phasmid posted:

Wait a sec. The Ptolemy's were incestuous?

I feel like literally all ruling families were incestuous.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 18:50

whoflungpoop: Sep 9, 2004; With you and the constellations

ls lk mny rly wrttn lngs wrttn gyptn dd nt ncld vwls nly cnsnnts. hstrns mk bst gsss fr hw wrds wr prnncd, ncldng grk wrtrs nd cptc lngge

# ? Nov 16, 2015 18:59

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

whoflungpoop posted:

ls lk mny rly wrttn lngs wrttn gyptn dd nt ncld vwls nly cnsnnts. hstrns mk bst gsss fr hw wrds wr prnncd, ncldng grk wrtrs nd cptc lngge

m gy

ckc

gk

# ? Nov 16, 2015 19:07

steinrokkan: Apr 2, 2011; Soiled Meat

criscodisco posted:

Did the spaceships have to take the whales out before they put the pyramids in or did they just swim around them?

Pyramids are whale eggs, jeez

# ? Nov 16, 2015 19:10

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD: Jan 21, 2007

whoflungpoop posted:

egypt did use slaves like everyone else did, and depending on the era they might have campaigns into the levant and surely did have jewish slaves now and then, but the majority of their slaves were either nubians from kush to the south or captured libyan desert tribes to the west

fun fact: nubian slaves gave us both the origin for the word nubile as well as the proud ancient egyptian heritage site nubiles.com

# ? Nov 16, 2015 19:15

Captain Yossarian: Feb 24, 2011; All new" Rings of Fire"

I want to touch an ancient Egypt vagina

# ? Nov 16, 2015 19:26

Fat-Lip-Sum-41.mp3: Nov 15, 2003

you'll want to spit on your fingers first

# ? Nov 16, 2015 19:28

raton: Jul 28, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

whoflungpoop posted:

ls lk mny rly wrttn lngs wrttn gyptn dd nt ncld vwls nly cnsnnts. hstrns mk bst gsss fr hw wrds wr prnncd, ncldng grk wrtrs nd cptc lngge

Ur a fuggen cptc Ingge

# ? Nov 16, 2015 19:28

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# ? Apr 19, 2024 10:52

jBrereton: May 30, 2013; Grimey Drawer

whoflungpoop posted:

ls lk mny rly wrttn lngs wrttn gyptn dd nt ncld vwls nly cnsnnts. hstrns mk bst gsss fr hw wrds wr prnncd, ncldng grk wrtrs nd cptc lngge

Yeah but to be fair modern Arabic does this too.

Like if you're being extremely formal you add the vowels, but mostly you leave them out and assume people know what's going on.

# ? Nov 16, 2015 19:30

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