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Third posted:Since you've brought it up twice now, do you mind if I ask if they were considering Asperger's when you were diagnosed with SPD? If so, how did they decide on SPD over ASD? Yeah, I went in for a psychological evaluation because I'm a bit of a loner, but not in a cool Han Solo kind of way. And I thought maybe I might have some Autistic tendencies, just because that was the popular internet diagnosis for those who are socially awkward. I had never even heard of Schizoid Personality Disorder until I was diagnosed as having it. As for why I was diagnosed with SPD instead of ASD? I wasn't the one making the diagnosis, and I try avoid reading the DSM or WebMD to find out what is wrong with me. I never even bothered taking a freshman psych class back in my college days. But the docs asked me about my life history, including things like education, job history, and romantic/sexual history. Best guess, since I have spent most of my professional life in either customer service or sales, and I take a fair amount of professional pride in being good at dealing with people for a living. I have also had a few girlfriends over the years, it never quite worked out, mostly because I really suck at putting in the effort to make relationships work. So I probably didn't have ASD, I had the SPD instead. thrakkorzog fucked around with this message at 11:20 on Jan 6, 2016 |
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Jan 1, 2016 09:09
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Anne Whateley posted:Sorry, you gotta pick one. He has a point, unless you've taken up staring at walls for fun, you have to do something to at least kill time on the weekends. Even if it's just binging on Netflix. For all I know you spend your weekends writing MLP fanfiction, but at least you're doing something creative. thrakkorzog fucked around with this message at 12:52 on Jan 1, 2016 |
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Jan 1, 2016 11:13
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Hi Ausmund, good to see you're making progress. I'm not on SA as much as I was before.Ausmund posted:I don't like anything. I sit in bed and watch tv/and go on the computer like everyone else, sometimes games but I haven't touched one in weeks, but those are just time wasters, not passions. I don't have any passions. I go to the gym sometimes, but I do it because I know its good for me and gets me out of my apartment, but its not a passion and I don't get pleasure from it(I haven't been in a while either) Not to be argumentative or invalidate you, but I call bullshit on you not liking anything. I recall you took to the show Lost in a way that was definitely 'liking' and enjoyment. You even mention in this same post that there were books that you liked as a kid. Timewasters are still things you presumably get a modicum of enjoyment from, to the point that you do them rather than nothing. It's actually perfectly normal not to have a passion, not everyone has one. Ausmund posted:What happens is I'll be in a situation where someone is trying to get to know me, and they'll ask me about myself. Sure, I could lie and give an acceptable made up answer, but sometimes its refreshing just to be honest. So I'll get a lot of responses like, "How do you NOT KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE TO DO?! What do you do all day?! What do you do when you're not here(work). I don't know what your deal is. Are you a robot?!" And it won't just be me talking to one person, I turn heads and have other people ask me stuff. I would just like to be able to be myself and not have it be so obvious that I don't belong. I'd be curious to see one of these conversations actually unfold. I think there are ways to present yourself honestly but not necessarily come off like an off-putting weirdo, but it takes a bit of people/conversation skills and being comfortable in your own skin and I'm not sure how developed you are there. "I'm a loner" gives folks a label/context to work with that might help people 'get' you a bit. Instead of "I don't like anything/ I don't know what I like" you might opt for something like "I don't really have specific hobbies. I tend to just go with the flow or do whatever I feel like at the time, a lot of times I just kick back and chill." It might also help to frame your situation as a temporary one. "I haven't found anything I'm passionate about yet. I try a lot of different things but so far nothing's really tickled my fancy." You can also be a little self-deprecating, but you might want to be careful to sound playful and not too seriously self-deprecating. "Honestly, I'm kind of a boring guy! I don't really get into much. Weird, huh? Oh well, I just try to improve myself I guess, mentally and physically." People might think you're boring but it should help keep the "WTF" reactions at bay.
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Jan 3, 2016 22:27
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Anne Whateley posted:Sorry, you gotta pick one. I always avoid situations where I have to talk about myself. But eventually I'm confronted. And sometimes I don't know how to word it so I don't sound weird. thrakkorzog posted:
thrakkorzog posted:He has a point, unless you've taken up staring at walls for fun, you have to do something to at least kill time on the weekends. Even if it's just binging on Netflix. For all I know you spend your weekends writing MLP fanfiction, but at least you're doing something creative. lizardman posted:Hi Ausmund, good to see you're making progress. I'm not on SA as much as I was before. quote:I'd be curious to see one of these conversations actually unfold. I think there are ways to present yourself honestly but not necessarily come off like an off-putting weirdo, but it takes a bit of people/conversation skills and being comfortable in your own skin and I'm not sure how developed you are there. "I'm a loner" gives folks a label/context to work with that might help people 'get' you a bit. Instead of "I don't like anything/ I don't know what I like" you might opt for something like "I don't really have specific hobbies. I tend to just go with the flow or do whatever I feel like at the time, a lot of times I just kick back and chill."
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Jan 5, 2016 18:52
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Ausmund posted:Why do you think, personally that I don't belong? Like I believe I am, but my therapist tries to convince me otherwise, that I'm too hard on myself. If you met someone like me irl what would you say and what would you think? Since you brought it up, what are you doing with your laptop? As for what I would do if I met you IRL, I'd like to think that I'd just toss you a beer, and we could talk over drinks. thrakkorzog fucked around with this message at 12:35 on Jan 6, 2016 |
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Jan 6, 2016 12:26
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SA forums, reddit, and I hate to say it, 4chan. The community is loving awful but its strangle addictive to look through all the pictures and the corresponding topic an image makes.
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Jan 6, 2016 23:40
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Do you enjoy hours of forums browsing, or is it just an easy way to take up time? Lots of people end up spending hours browsing the Internet, not because they really find it fulfilling but because it is easy to just turn your brain off. If you want to try to find a sense of emotional fulfillment in your life, you have to really engage with something. It generally requires active participation in what you're doing, whereas browsing is extremely easy but extremely passive. It is riskier for people with rigid thinking because it involves opening yourself to uncertainty. If you try a new thing, it takes more effort and the outcome is uncertain - you might be terrible at it and feel angry or embarrassed, you might not really know how you feel about it at first, etc. Internet browsing is low effort, passive, and has a predictable outcome. For a lot of people with personality disorders, rigid thinking and the intolerable uncomfortableness of uncertainty makes any action with a certain outcome preferable, even if those outcomes are undesirable.
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Jan 6, 2016 23:58
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Have you tried exercise already? For example, you could try finding a running group in your neighborhood. It's a great opportunity to socialise and the exercise will do wonders for your overall mental health. Also, running highs are absolutely awesome and will probably kick your anhedonia's rear end. It's like drugs, but free!
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Jan 7, 2016 00:43
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Ausmund posted:Always appreciate your long thoughtful posts Bobbie Well, you appreciated my post--that's a positive feeling towards something. You have preferences--things you drift towards when you're screwing around and wasting time, consciously or not. There are glimmers in there, little hints and whispers of what brings you enjoyment. I think being mindful of those things could be the start of finding the contentedness and/or happiness you feel that you're missing. Ausmund posted:What does raised to bond with your family mean? We would have dinner at a table and my parents would complain about work or whatever. No music at all. Ugh, I feel like you were outright deprived of joy itself as a child. No music? My parents hosed up all us kids' hearing from playing music so loudly, especially my mom. (They kinda had a Beatles vs. Rolling Stones thing going.) My mother was bonkers, but she also took my sister and me to a bar on *Dyngus Day when we were in junior high to hear a jazz group she knew. I suppose I'd explain "bonding" as connecting with someone in a way that makes you invested in their well-being. There are so many bonds that connect people--being blood-relations; going through difficult things together; having a similar sense of humor; working together; sharing similar experiences; having the same hobbies, and so on. Even just seeing the barista at a coffee shop once or twice a week can create a bond, through idle chitchat and routine. Really, we're social creatures--we're meant to feel empathy towards and connections to other people. That's something that has to be nurtured, though, and at the risk of being glib, you sound like your emotional growth was stunted, thanks to crappy parents and a miserable childhood. You seem to feel a lack, though--if you were truly content, you wouldn't be depressed about having SPD. Which means you have the ability to improve your life. You're also thoughtful and learning to be introspective, which will take you far with therapy and dealing with SPD. Ausmund posted:If I could meet some of the people that post here I bet we'd be good friends, but I think everyone here is mostly upper/middle class and lives in big expensive cities. This is where you get into trouble, my friend--assuming that class is a barrier to meaningful relationships. Dude, one of my best friends is a high school drop-out, and I live in Buffalo, which is a cheap-rear end sty-hole. The only reason the recession didn't hit this area too hard is because it was already economically depressed. Yeah, I speak grammatically-perfect English and am pedantic as gently caress, but I also spit on the ground constantly, especially when I'm having a smoke. I left my baking job because it's basically impossible to live a decent life on that kind of money, not because it's menial or beneath me in some way. I'm very sure that no one is this thread looks down on you for being working class or from Virginia or whatever. Nobody's rejecting you; you're disqualifying yourself. Like, dang, dude--you and I sparred a little in e/n, and look where that's led: friendly, meaningful conversations with real give-and-take. Would we be besties if we lived in the same city? I dunno, but I'm sure we'd be able to drink a couple beers and play a pathetic round of pool (I'm terrible at pool), and agree that it was a good time. *Polish holiday on the day after Easter. Traditionally a children's holiday that consists of boys squirting girls with water and girls hitting them back with pussywillows. In Buffalo, it's the day Polacks come out in full-force to drink beer with high alcohol content and chase each other with squirt guns.
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Jan 7, 2016 05:12
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Enfys posted:Do you enjoy hours of forums browsing, or is it just an easy way to take up time? The rigid thinking really makes a lot of sense. I looked it up to. I'm sure I do it all the time and have no idea its impacting my decisions or lack there of. waitwhatno posted:Have you tried exercise already? For example, you could try finding a running group in your neighborhood. It's a great opportunity to socialise and the exercise will do wonders for your overall mental health. Bobbie Wickham posted:Well, you appreciated my post--that's a positive feeling towards something. You have preferences--things you drift towards when you're screwing around and wasting time, consciously or not. There are glimmers in there, little hints and whispers of what brings you enjoyment. I think being mindful of those things could be the start of finding the contentedness and/or happiness you feel that you're missing. quote:Ugh, I feel like you were outright deprived of joy itself as a child. No music? My parents hosed up all us kids' hearing from playing music so loudly, especially my mom. (They kinda had a Beatles vs. Rolling Stones thing going.) My mother was bonkers, but she also took my sister and me to a bar on *Dyngus Day when we were in junior high to hear a jazz group she knew. I never understood other people's obsession with music. The only time I listen to music is if there is a song from a movie or game soundtrack that catches my attention, but I don't like the band or other songs from that album, just that one specific song that was used. And I tend to listen to the same handful of songs over and over again which I'm sure a lot of people don't do. When people ask me what kind of music I like, I find it very very difficult to answer. quote:I suppose I'd explain "bonding" as connecting with someone in a way that makes you invested in their well-being. There are so many bonds that connect people--being blood-relations; going through difficult things together; having a similar sense of humor; working together; sharing similar experiences; having the same hobbies, and so on. Even just seeing the barista at a coffee shop once or twice a week can create a bond, through idle chitchat and routine. Really, we're social creatures--we're meant to feel empathy towards and connections to other people. That's something that has to be nurtured, though, and at the risk of being glib, you sound like your emotional growth was stunted, thanks to crappy parents and a miserable childhood. You seem to feel a lack, though--if you were truly content, you wouldn't be depressed about having SPD. Which means you have the ability to improve your life. You're also thoughtful and learning to be introspective, which will take you far with therapy and dealing with SPD. My therapist says that I wasn't properly socialized as a kid, my parents just didn't seem to think it was important... for whatever reason. She also explained to me that a young kid can't be held completely responsible for all their actions and the responsibility rests with that kid's parents. Which was odd to hear, because I thought responsibility was reserved for the person making the choices? Like if all the neighborhood kids didn't like me, they just didn't like me. What does that have to do with my parents? quote:This is where you get into trouble, my friend--assuming that class is a barrier to meaningful relationships. Dude, one of my best friends is a high school drop-out, and I live in Buffalo, which is a cheap-rear end sty-hole. The only reason the recession didn't hit this area too hard is because it was already economically depressed. Yeah, I speak grammatically-perfect English and am pedantic as gently caress, but I also spit on the ground constantly, especially when I'm having a smoke. I left my baking job because it's basically impossible to live a decent life on that kind of money, not because it's menial or beneath me in some way. I'm very sure that no one is this thread looks down on you for being working class or from Virginia or whatever. Nobody's rejecting you; you're disqualifying yourself. Also spitting is gross. Even when I used to be a smoker I wouldn't do that. Yuck.
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Jan 7, 2016 16:56
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One day my mom told me I got diagnosed with SPD as a little kid and that's why our insurance got denied, but I think I must've gotten over it after middle school was over. I'm pretty bad at socializing but I definitely get into it 100%.
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Jan 8, 2016 09:00
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Windfall posted:One day my mom told me I got diagnosed with SPD as a little kid and that's why our insurance got denied, but I think I must've gotten over it after middle school was over. I'm pretty bad at socializing but I definitely get into it 100%. Wow that's a half assed troll. Try to put your whole rear end into it next time.
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Jan 8, 2016 13:02
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Did you read mis-read my post or something? Slow down.
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Jan 8, 2016 15:52
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Ugh, you know what, nevermind.
Happy Thread fucked around with this message at 16:05 on Jan 8, 2016 |
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Jan 8, 2016 15:53
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Ausmund do you enjoy comedy? Are there any comedians or tv shows or cartoons that make you laugh?
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Jan 8, 2016 16:13
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For comedians I like Norm Macdonald and Louis CK a lot. Talk shows I like Opie&Jim, Anthony Cumia, and Stern. For internet I like Million Dollar Extreme, Mega64, and Maddox(I know SA hates this dude, but his greatest problems podcast is a really good listen, and Dick Masterson can reign him in.) Those are what usually gets me through the work day. Windfall, I don't think personality disorders can be diagnosed to young children, only when it's a chronic pattern for fully developed adults. Not sure though.
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Jan 8, 2016 19:45
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No competent mental health professional with diagnose a young child with a personality disorder. Are there any kind of cooking clubs around you or any of your coworkers who show enthusiasm for cooking? You grew up with terrible food aside from all the abuse, but I wonder if you could learn to enjoy food more if you had help from someone who is both competent and passionate about it. Enthusiasm is often infectious - being around people who really enjoy something and effectively communicate that enjoyment can increase your own enjoyment. It doesn't have to be cooking, but pleasure in food is such a deeply primal thing that it might be easier to tap into that than into something else. Do any of your coworkers seem really enthusiastic about a hobby and like they would be willing to teach you about it? Often people who are really into something like getting to share it with others.
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Jan 8, 2016 21:33
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Other people's enthusiasm has never been infectious for me, it's usually the root cause of my depression. Seeing other people at a formal event, dressed nicely in expensive attire, enjoying quality food, and company, and all the opportunities in life, getting through college, making something of themselves, everyone being proud of them, make me feel like dog poo poo. Like I have to fake being happy for them, while secretly wishing something unfortunate would happen to them. Like if I saw a bunch of people enjoying food I would just wonder why I didn't feel the same way and how meaningless everything is. I have to lie and fake everything. Sorry, I don't mean to shoot down your advice. I'm having issues with my insurance and I'm behind on my medication, so I'm not really in a good place right now. Like slept for 20 hours and still tired kind of place.
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Jan 8, 2016 23:10
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Ausmund posted:Other people's enthusiasm has never been infectious for me, it's usually the root cause of my depression. Seeing other people at a formal event, dressed nicely in expensive attire, enjoying quality food, and company, and all the opportunities in life, getting through college, making something of themselves, everyone being proud of them, make me feel like dog poo poo. Like I have to fake being happy for them, while secretly wishing something unfortunate would happen to them. When I say this I am not insinuating that you might not have it worse than others, but don't assume that everyone else is super happy just because they look that way. Almost everyone is putting on a front to some degree. Especially at formal events.
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Jan 9, 2016 01:14
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Ausmund posted:Other people's enthusiasm has never been infectious for me, it's usually the root cause of my depression. Seeing other people at a formal event, dressed nicely in expensive attire, enjoying quality food, and company, and all the opportunities in life, getting through college, making something of themselves, everyone being proud of them, make me feel like dog poo poo. Like I have to fake being happy for them, while secretly wishing something unfortunate would happen to them. I don't mean watching other people making a show of being successful or other people enjoying food. I mean spending personal time with someone who really loves cooking, spending the afternoon making a cool meal together while they share the things they have learned with you. Or it doesn't have to be cooking, but any activity really where you are not watching others enjoy something from a distance but are actively participating with someone else. Though that all probably sounds impossible given the way you are feeling now. Try to get outside for a bit, or at least out of bed even if you're tired.
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Jan 9, 2016 14:46
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Enfys posted:I don't mean watching other people making a show of being successful or other people enjoying food. I mean spending personal time with someone who really loves cooking, spending the afternoon making a cool meal together while they share the things they have learned with you. Or it doesn't have to be cooking, but any activity really where you are not watching others enjoy something from a distance but are actively participating with someone else. I enjoy cooking. It's always helpful to have a clear goal. I have to get up, and I have to eat something. If I have a recipe I then I have instructions on what to do. That helps keep me centered, for lack of a better word. That said, I think I can still make some improvements to recipes and can improvise a bit as needed. My grilled cheese recipe is two slices of bread, two slices of Swiss cheese, plus a little bit of Italian dressing in the middle. I will admit that was a bit of an rear end pull, my nieces were demanding a grilled cheese sandwich, and I don't generally keep Kraft cheese-like food products in my fridge. Not to toot my own horn, but it's a damned good grilled cheese sandwich. Much better than what you would get from eating Kraft cheese. I don't really think of cooking as a social thing, since most people I know who are proud of their cooking skills try to keep everybody who's not a cook outside of the kitchen. thrakkorzog fucked around with this message at 12:08 on Jan 11, 2016 |
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Jan 11, 2016 10:55
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oops Quote is not edit yet again.
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Jan 11, 2016 11:45
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Ausmund posted:Other people's enthusiasm has never been infectious for me, it's usually the root cause of my depression. Seeing other people at a formal event, dressed nicely in expensive attire, enjoying quality food, and company, and all the opportunities in life, getting through college, making something of themselves, everyone being proud of them, make me feel like dog poo poo. Like I have to fake being happy for them, while secretly wishing something unfortunate would happen to them. This is a source of some of your distress and social isolation. Other people can sense that. You should work on feeling genuine happiness for other people's good fortune, and it will be reflected back upon you. Do you think of yourself as a highly intelligent person and most other people as being somewhat dull?
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Jan 11, 2016 15:33
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Ausmund posted:Like slept for 20 hours and still tired kind of place. Maybe you're sleep drunk. All I know about it is that too much sleep can make you sleep drunk which ironically makes you feel tired. I have no expertise in this though so taking this with a pinch of salt might be a waste of salt.
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Jan 11, 2016 22:01
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Enfys posted:I don't mean watching other people making a show of being successful or other people enjoying food. I mean spending personal time with someone who really loves cooking, spending the afternoon making a cool meal together while they share the things they have learned with you. Or it doesn't have to be cooking, but any activity really where you are not watching others enjoy something from a distance but are actively participating with someone else. I guess I'm doing a little better now, thanks. thrakkorzog posted:I enjoy cooking. It's always helpful to have a clear goal. I have to get up, and I have to eat something. ashgromnies posted:This is a source of some of your distress and social isolation. Other people can sense that. You should work on feeling genuine happiness for other people's good fortune, and it will be reflected back upon you. I think most people wish to think they're smarter and superior to everyone. I failed out of college and work retail, I'm not smart. I do find other people boring though. Death Zebra posted:Maybe you're sleep drunk. All I know about it is that too much sleep can make you sleep drunk which ironically makes you feel tired. I have no expertise in this though so taking this with a pinch of salt might be a waste of salt. quote:When I say this I am not insinuating that you might not have it worse than others, but don't assume that everyone else is super happy just because they look that way. Almost everyone is putting on a front to some degree. Especially at formal events.
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Jan 11, 2016 23:35
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I'm glad you're feeling a little better. While it's true that everyone will be putting on a front to some degree at formal events (because they are formal events and have a special standard of social etiquette), it's also true that a lot of people who seem happy or like they are enjoying themselves are in fact happy and enjoying themselves. I think it's probably true that you are a little blind to emotions in some ways, but it's not permanent. You have to be aware of your current limitations before you can really begin to stretch them. People who have cut themselves off from their emotions can learn to reconnect with them. Being "smart" doesn't matter a fraction as much as putting effort into learning something does. Yes, people with a high intellect or an above average memory can find learning easier, but you will also find a lot of "smart" people who can't get very far because they believe that being smart is all that's required. There's a lot of research now showing how harmful it is to tell people they are smart - it makes people less willing to take risks, less comfortable with being wrong (a very important life skill), and less willing to attempt new challenges. It's more effective to focus on the effort someone puts into something because that is something you control. If you don't understand something, you can continue working at it until you do, rather than deciding that you just aren't smart enough. Feeling genuine happiness for others has a lot to do with developing empathy and compassion. These are both complex, difficult experiences that for the majority of people require active practice to develop beyond whatever they learned as a child. They can be developed and deepened, though, and often it's beneficial to the individual because you learn to show compassion to yourself as well as others and to treat your own feelings and actions as valid.
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Jan 12, 2016 00:08
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Enfys posted:Being "smart" doesn't matter a fraction as much as putting effort into learning something does. Yes, people with a high intellect or an above average memory can find learning easier, but you will also find a lot of "smart" people who can't get very far because they believe that being smart is all that's required. There's a lot of research now showing how harmful it is to tell people they are smart - it makes people less willing to take risks, less comfortable with being wrong (a very important life skill), and less willing to attempt new challenges. It's more effective to focus on the effort someone puts into something because that is something you control. If you don't understand something, you can continue working at it until you do, rather than deciding that you just aren't smart enough. I figured it would be a safe idea to go to community college and commute from home. Doing this I spent over 3 of the most miserable years of my life failing everything and retaking classes and only made progress through attrition. I mistakenly thought I had taken enough classes to qualify for an associates degree but got denied and it turned out there were over 10 loving classes I still needed to take. I transferred to a University only as a sophomore after 3 years of taking community college classes, could not pass any tests and nearly attempted suicide until I decided at the last minute to call mommy like a little cry baby and went back home and tried therapy. That was six years ago, and I should of made the former choice. I HATE learning. I never understood how school could come so naturally to other people. Like yeah, they have to put in tons and tons of work, but since it came second nature to them, it wasn't an issue. And not only did it enrich their lives and minds, but now they have careers and an ever expanding network of meaningful relationships and social situations. Something I'm never able to do. Something that I've only realized recently. I am a piece of trash. quote:Feeling genuine happiness for others has a lot to do with developing empathy and compassion. These are both complex, difficult experiences that for the majority of people require active practice to develop beyond whatever they learned as a child. They can be developed and deepened, though, and often it's beneficial to the individual because you learn to show compassion to yourself as well as others and to treat your own feelings and actions as valid. I absolutely never say this out loud though. I'm always polite and acting the part. I do this because I treat people the way I want to be treated. Sorry if this is too e/n.
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Jan 12, 2016 03:58
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Ausmund posted:Yes, I've read about that study. I absolutely have a severe problem with the former and didn't realize it until long after I flunked out of college. I would get yelled at for getting bad grades growing up and was told i was lazy and didn't take an interest and told I should be ashamed of myself because I should have known. In public school I would memorize the study guide the night before or even cheat to get decent scores on tests. And I always did the homework and busy work that was graded to fall back on and never skipped class. I thought this was the norm for most people and what learning and getting through school was. Then came getting ready for college and I find out what a worthless piece of poo poo I really was compared to everyone else. The SATs, I couldn't break 900. I was hosed. I may as well of dropped out of high school and I would've gotten just as much out of it. I'ma just gonna say it: your mom done hosed you up real good. Honestly, if you were a piece of trash, we'd let you know. I know there are tough days, and this is one of them. It's hard to fight through self-loathing like yours, especially when it was planted and nurtured by your own parents. I really don't think you're inherently broken or beyond redemption, no matter how much you feel like you're "too lovely to live." You're not: you're considerate, thoughtful, self-aware, and driven to improve your situation. lovely people don't worry about their motives/behaviors or ask for help; they aren't receptive to honest advice; they don't consider the possibility that they're wrong or out of step, and blame everybody and everything else for their troubles. I'm at work, so I don't have a ton of time, but I'm telling you: you're a good person. Your family has poisoned you to believe the worst about the world and yourself.
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Jan 12, 2016 19:44
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Thanks.  Sorry that post was kind of dark and whiny. I feel like a stupid teenager complaining about my parents. Like they never did anything like get drunk and beat me or sexually assault me(I would get slapped and shoved), so I always considered my childhood to be pretty fortunate. But every therapist I talked to, whether I meant to or not, my mom kept coming up as a substantial source of negativity. That and learning more about how emotional abuse is still a form of legitimate abuse, despite society(especially since I'm a guy) says otherwise.
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Jan 12, 2016 20:51
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Ausmund posted:Thanks. Don't worry about it, we all have bad days. As for your parents, they hosed up you pretty nicely, so you have a legitimate gripe against them. Like you said, emotional abuse is abuse, and it still haunts you. You have SPD partly because they neglected you beyond fulfilling your basic physical needs, except to insult and discourage you. You were raised to believe that you'll never amount to anything and that people will want nothing to do with you because you're working class. They managed to stomp out any pleasure in basic things like music, hobbies, socializing, and good food. They basically stunted your growth as a person, so it's no wonder you have problems connecting with people. Your parents suck.
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Jan 12, 2016 22:37
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There was also A LOT of pressure to go to college, like I had no choice or else I'll be a loser working at McDonalds for the rest of my life. Figure out my life now before its too late or else everything will be much harder for me and they worked so hard to give me a better life and opportunities and I'm wasting all of them. That I had no idea how good I had it and how lucky I was. But that wasn't reinforcing to me, it just made me feel guilty and ashamed. My mom would burst into tears constantly giving me that lecture. I would get told stuff like that constantly. But isn't parents wanting their kids in college pretty normal though? I guess mine were a lot meaner and manipulative about it(because they thought it was for my own good), but in general don't parents want their kids to have a better life than they have? What's even the point of having kids then if they're like a constant improvement project? Like living out their dreams through them? How normal is that?
Ausmund fucked around with this message at 02:00 on Jan 13, 2016 |
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Jan 13, 2016 01:53
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Bobbie Wickham posted:Don't worry about it, we all have bad days. As for your parents, they hosed up you pretty nicely, so you have a legitimate gripe against them. Like you said, emotional abuse is abuse, and it still haunts you. You have SPD partly because they neglected you beyond fulfilling your basic physical needs, except to insult and discourage you. You were raised to believe that you'll never amount to anything and that people will want nothing to do with you because you're working class. They managed to stomp out any pleasure in basic things like music, hobbies, socializing, and good food. They basically stunted your growth as a person, so it's no wonder you have problems connecting with people. Your parents suck. It should be pointed out that dwelling on any of this will only hurt you. Your parents treated you the way they did because of how they were treated. No healthy person spontaneously decides to make their child's life hell. If you can recognize and accept that you're a product of a chain of causes and effects outside your control then you can begin to take control of how you think and start to grow as a person. You don't have to be a prisoner to how you were conditioned. That might seem impossible from where you're at right now, but many people have done it, myself included, and your life and thought patterns sound much like my own were until recently. I grew up in a family with pretty messed up parents that tried their best to make my childhood better than theirs (and largely succeeded) but ended up developing some really mal-adaptive coping mechanisms to deal with the frequent stress that still remained, mostly with self isolation and a kind of depressive haze that shielded me from pain but also numbed me to the world. I hated school more than anything and it basically destroyed me. The only reason I never repeated grades was because I had a saint for a principle who fought to allow me to advance based on my test scores. Turned out that was in vain as I dropped out of middle school anyway when I just couldn't take it anymore. I tried going back for high school but dropped out again and got my G.E.D. and worked manual labor jobs while basically living like a hermit in my parents house, using computer games as an escape. Tried again with community college but my experience there was much like yours. After that I basically resigned myself to the fact that I would always be a failure and that the best I could hope for was trying not to cause my family any more worry than they already had. My best advice for how to reverse the course of your life and find hope and meaning would be to pursue a mindfulness based treatment program like dialectical behavior therapy if at all possible or practice mindfulness on your own if not. Meditation can give you an objective perspective on yourself, which goes a hell of a long way towards developing self compassion and allows you to learn why you think the way you do, which is almost required if you want to change it. I know how depression warps your view of reality and destroys hope, so all this probably sounds like bullshit to you, but when you get past it you can see the world and yourself for what they are, and you'll almost certainly find the situation is nowhere near as bad as you thought, and you can learn to deal with the problems that remain and maybe even find yourself in a position to help other people escape what you did. DBT programs can be hard to find, especially if you're in a small town, but there's resources that can get you started. One of the go to books for the kind of meditation that helped me is Mindfulness in Plain English. It covers some Buddhist stuff as well, but you can ignore it if you're not into that and focus on the mindfulness portions which are the vast bulk of the book.
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Jan 13, 2016 04:39
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Ausmund posted:I don't feel happiness for others. Only frustration and hate. How am I suppose to empathize with them? What are they so loving happy about?! The only time I've ever felt compassion for other people is at my retail job, because I could relate to how miserable and hopeless they are. Why would I show compassion to myself? I'm not my own friend, I'm the loving problem. I'm too lovely to live. Learning to empathise with other people takes a lot of work and practice (and no one can ever manage it perfectly), but you are part of the way there as it is - you treat people the way that you want to be treated. Part of feeling empathy and compassion for others is realising that they are people just like you, that they want to be happy, healthy and safe just as you do, that they have fears and problems just as you do. You want to be treated a certain way, and you extend that to others - that already shows consideration for others as people rather than as objects that sometimes revolve around your personal universe. An important step for you will be coming to accept that the people around you aren't really that different from you. You sound like you spend a lot of time in your head observing people rather than interacting with them and that you have an idea of yourself as irrevocably different or cut off, in part due to your diagnosis. Working on developing empathy and compassion will help you see that in many ways, you are not so different or cut off from people around you. When you make an effort to put yourself in someone else's shoes and try to understand the world as they do, you will start to connect more with people and not see yourself as so alien. Showing compassion to yourself means that you want to reduce your suffering and creates a caring space within that allows you to see your pain and your failures with an attitude of kindness rather than loathing. Self-compassion is directed toward improving your health and well-being. Some people believe that they must criticise themselves in order to motivate them to do better or as a kind of reprisal for failure. However, any motivation that comes from attacking yourself is based upon fear of further self-punishment, not out of a desire for increased well-being. Compassion motivates people not out of fear or loathing but out of a desire for reduced suffering and for improved well-being. If nothing else, showing yourself compassion is important because the opposite - judging yourself, berating and yelling at yourself for your faults, pressuring yourself to live a certain way to have any worth as a person - does far more harm than good. Think about it - it's exactly how your parents treated you, and did that help you grow into a happy, healthy person? Showing yourself compassion allows you to accept yourself and where you are currently without all the baggage that comes from judgments and recriminations. "I'm too lovely to live" vs "I have worth as a human being" will lead down very different roads. I would second the recommendation for looking into DBT and mindfulness meditation, but I would further suggest looking into a particular type of meditation called "loving kindness" which is more focused on compassion and empathy for yourself and for others. DBT can be so effective because it focuses primarily on behaviours but with a particular focus on learning to recognise and validate your emotions. Learning emotional validation is something that I think would be extremely helpful for you given how detached you are from them. Validation in general would be helpful as it involves learning to accept that your feelings, concerns, opinions etc are valid and that the feelings/opinions/etc that others express are equally as valid. Ausmund posted:There was also A LOT of pressure to go to college, like I had no choice or else I'll be a loser working at McDonalds for the rest of my life. Figure out my life now before its too late or else everything will be much harder for me and they worked so hard to give me a better life and opportunities and I'm wasting all of them. That I had no idea how good I had it and how lucky I was. But that wasn't reinforcing to me, it just made me feel guilty and ashamed. My mom would burst into tears constantly giving me that lecture. I would get told stuff like that constantly. But isn't parents wanting their kids in college pretty normal though? I guess mine were a lot meaner and manipulative about it(because they thought it was for my own good), but in general don't parents want their kids to have a better life than they have? What's even the point of having kids then if they're like a constant improvement project? Like living out their dreams through them? How normal is that? That's a mistake that a lot of parents make (though most are not also abusive as yours were), and many children end up paying the price. College is great in many ways, but so are lots of other things, and it isn't required to have a happy, successful life. No 18 year olds have their life figured out; very, very few know exactly what they want for life and can take a direct and unwavering path to it. That you did not have life figured out and that the route you tried didn't work out doesn't mean that you are a failure or too lovely to live. Figuring out your life is an ongoing process, and you have the advantage of considerable self awareness combined with a desire to change. As far as kids: the only literal "point" of having children is to continue your genetic line and the species as a whole. That's it. However, being conscious beings capable of self-reflection, we add all kinds of our own meanings to having kids - what it means to be a family, to raise something you have created from yourself, etc. It's not for everyone, and everyone is unfortunately a captive of their own upbringing. We are often doomed to repeat the mistakes of our upbringing and to inflict our childhood on others if we don't take conscious steps to change, to grow, to improve.
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Jan 13, 2016 18:02
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I definitely understand your inability to talk about yourself. Even though intellectually I understand that I enjoy hearing about other people's interests and lives, it is really distinctly difficult to distill an answer to questions about myself or things I have done from my conscious and subconscious in a way that doesn't sound worthless and uninteresting...to me, in my head, before I say it. So instead the answer is "nothing, really." The thing you have to do to get past this is realize that those underlying half-fleshed-out answers that you discard do have value to the other person and it's socially better to polish those up and present them than to say "I don't know". I also grew up in a household with almost no music apart from soundtracks. If you want to like more music, it is a good idea to identify what kinds of music you enjoy in a soundtrack and seek out similar stuff. This used to be so much effort that I didn't see the point, but Spotify is cheap and makes genre exploration really easy.
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Jan 13, 2016 21:20
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Ausmund posted:I don't have any. And I don't seem to enjoy anything. The closest I have is if I drink some coffee and I'll feel slight excitement or interest over a thought or idea. I don't think I have strong feelings at all. My therapist says I repress bad feelings to protect myself to survive as a defense mechanism, but now that I'm out of those situations that are causing the bad feelings, the defense mechanism interferes with all feelings, negative or positive. All subconsciously of course. That sounds really boring!
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Jan 18, 2016 03:40
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Uh - you said you might sometimes drink coffee and have a thought, whispers and hints of enjoyment, etc. What if you're just mostly a blank slate? Why not design a few fake personalities to overlay over your lack of one? Pick hobbies for those characters, then live a day here or there pretending to be one of those characters. The mind is fickle and trippy, you might become a made up character.
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Jan 18, 2016 04:00
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SSH IT ZOMBIE posted:Uh - you said you might sometimes drink coffee and have a thought, whispers and hints of enjoyment, etc.
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Jan 18, 2016 04:53
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Ausmund posted:Like an actor getting into character? I've actually thought of doing something like that before. I've also thought of the George Castanza "doing the opposite". Yup. Eliminates the question of weather or not doing something is fun, and eliminates spending time on self-reflection. You're just doing it to be in character. Just make sure you develop your characters to do no harm onto others. Don't develop your characters' passions or hobbies to your current strengths and weaknesses, assuming you have neither. If you have trouble developing your own characters, copy someone else's. It doesn't matter, after all, does it? Over time you'll probably inadvertently integrate elements of your made up characters. Maybe some night you'll wake up all sweaty and panicked, wondering where the original you went, feeling not so much human as you are simply an entity watching over the actions of your own puppet-body. For a normal person, "Try new things. See what you like." But that doesn't work for you, does it? You'll just get bored immediately, won't you? But the above dance solves all that, doesn't it? "Be yourself!" Bah. Be something else. SSH IT ZOMBIE fucked around with this message at 06:11 on Jan 18, 2016 |
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Jan 18, 2016 05:41
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Ausmund posted:Like an actor getting into character? I've actually thought of doing something like that before. I've also thought of the George Castanza "doing the opposite". It's not the worst idea I've ever heard. When I was growing up I was painfully shy, and back in middle school I took theater arts as a blow off class. So I ended up in the high stakes in world of Middle School Acting. It turned out that my habit of burying my head in a book helped me become a halfway decent actor, largely because a lot of my classmates weren't all that literate, and had to sound out the scripts. I didn't exactly go to the best school district ever. Going from bookish nerd to struggling actor kind of helps a bit. Nobody goes to a middle school theater with rotten tomatos, and if you forget your lines, sometimes people in the same boat will ad-lib to help you out. It turned out I'm pretty good at pretending to be someone I'm not. So I am not a salesman, that's just not me. But when I need money, and somebody hooked me up with a sales job, I'll take it, and least try to half rear end it. And when I get fired for being a lovely salesman, they're not actually firing me, they're firing a character I was playing. It's a fine distinction, but it helps. thrakkorzog fucked around with this message at 13:33 on Jan 25, 2016 |
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Jan 25, 2016 12:35
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Ausmund posted:Re: Ausmund's affection for the TV series 'Lost': Congrats, Ausmund, you have a favorite TV show. Most people do! Honestly, I don't think you're as weird as you think you are. I mean, you're weird, alright. But most people are! You got made fun of in that thread you're talking about because you specifically mentioned the TV show 'Lost' as an interest - you're right, it's "just a stupid TV show and it's not important", but take a step back and all that really means is that you watch TV to kill time and occasionally genuinely like what you see, to the point where you can point to a favorite show. That's not weird. Ausmund posted:I am a piece of trash. I realize you were in an odd state of mind when you wrote this, but why do you keep saying stuff like this? Cut that out. You're not a piece of trash and you're not too lovely to live. I think your biggest problem is that you're way too judgmental, something I'm sure you've inherited from your abusive upbringing. I don't know the answer to reversing this, but if you can get past this point where it seems everything must justify their existence or prove their worth otherwise they are bad things it'll do wonders for you. If you can only feel compassion for people who are miserable and hopeless, when they appear happy, could you at least on an intellectual level recognize the fact that they have escaped misery for the time being as a good thing? Maybe eventually you'll get around to the idea that happiness doesn't need to be justified, only gloominess does. What's there to be happy about? Well, nothing bad happened, that's something! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4UqMyldS7Q
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Jan 25, 2016 23:37
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