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Windows 98 posted:I believe the joke goes "What's the difference between an owl and a bungee cord?" that is wrong. I already posted the quote and everything how do you mess that up.
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Nov 19, 2015 15:17
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Okay so there's three old ladies sitting on a park bench. The first one has Alzheimers, the second one has Parkinsons, and the third one has a bad case of arthritis. A flasher pops out and exposes himself to the three old ladies. Well, the first one had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, and the third one couldn't reach it.
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Nov 19, 2015 15:42
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A man with an orange for a head walks into a club accompanied by several sexy ladies. Some random schmuck walks up to him and says "hey, why do you have an orange for a head?" The man with an orange for a head replies "I'm afraid that it is a rather long and tedious story..." to which the random schmuck says "Regardless, I would love to hear the story if you have the time." The man with an orange for a head replies "Well, it all happened several months ago, when I happened upon a dusty old lamp. When I brushed some of the dust off of it a genie popped out and said 'yeah so now you get three wishes but if you try to pull some poo poo like wishing for more wishes then I'll gently caress you up' and so my first wish was to have a vast amount of wealth. My wish was fulfilled, and not only was I given a bunch of cash and gold bullion et cetera but I was also given an enviable stock portfolio, and the genie didn't pull any of the usual shenanigans like having the IRS imprison me for tax evasion or whatever - my wealth is 100% legitimate, and now I don't have to work another day in my life and can fulfill any desire that a vast fortune can be used to fulfill." "That is fascinating," says the random schmuck, "but what was your second wish?" The man with an orange for a head replies "My second wish was to be undesirable to members of the opposite sex, as well as members of the same sex if I decide to inject a bit of variety into my life, so to speak, by having sex with a man. This is why I am accompanied by several sexy ladies. Once again the genie didn't try to pull any shenanigans like having one of my ex-lovers go all Fatal Attraction on me." "Once again that is a fascinating story" says the random schmuck, "but tell me what was your third wish?" The man with an orange for a head replies, "Why, naturally my third wish was to have an orange for a head."
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Nov 19, 2015 16:31
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dad gay. so what posted:knock knock Son of Rodney posted:knock knock Good Lord Fisher! posted:knock knock no one is answering the door because I just murdered the family that lives here and I'm waiting for you idiots to go away so I can escape without anyone seeing me dad gay. so what posted:knock knock JESUS CHRIST GO AWAY ALREADY
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Nov 19, 2015 18:05
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How many seconds does it take for a baby to blow up in a microwave? I don't know either, I was too busy jacking off
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Nov 19, 2015 18:12
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i'm not sure if these are terrible jokes or just things that terrible people think are jokes
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Nov 19, 2015 18:20
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two muffins sitting in an oven the first muffin turns to the other and says "is it me or is it getting hot in here?" the second muffin turns round and replies "HOLY poo poo A TALKING MUFFIN!!"
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Nov 19, 2015 18:25
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Here's a little chuckler I got from that Hitler's Home Movies thing I saw on bbc years ago (paraphrased of course): A man walks into a bar and sees a fat disgusting head of the Luftwaffe eating a big ol' plate of sausage, the man leans over to the bartender and says, "TIS TRUE WHAT THEY SAY" and the bartender replies "how's that?" The man continues: "THE SWINE EATS OF ITS OWN FLESH!"
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Nov 19, 2015 18:47
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pound pound I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE THIS ISN'T FUNNY and neither is the joke
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Nov 19, 2015 18:47
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loinburger posted:A man with an orange for a head walks into a club accompanied by several sexy ladies. Some random schmuck walks up to him and says "hey, why do you have an orange for a head?" The man with an orange for a head replies "I'm afraid that it is a rather long and tedious story..." to which the random schmuck says "Regardless, I would love to hear the story if you have the time." The man with an orange for a head replies "Well, it all happened several months ago, when I happened upon a dusty old lamp. When I brushed some of the dust off of it a genie popped out and said 'yeah so now you get three wishes but if you try to pull some poo poo like wishing for more wishes then I'll gently caress you up' and so my first wish was to have a vast amount of wealth. My wish was fulfilled, and not only was I given a bunch of cash and gold bullion et cetera but I was also given an enviable stock portfolio, and the genie didn't pull any of the usual shenanigans like having the IRS imprison me for tax evasion or whatever - my wealth is 100% legitimate, and now I don't have to work another day in my life and can fulfill any desire that a vast fortune can be used to fulfill." "That is fascinating," says the random schmuck, "but what was your second wish?" The man with an orange for a head replies "My second wish was to be undesirable to members of the opposite sex, as well as members of the same sex if I decide to inject a bit of variety into my life, so to speak, by having sex with a man. This is why I am accompanied by several sexy ladies. Once again the genie didn't try to pull any shenanigans like having one of my ex-lovers go all Fatal Attraction on me." "Once again that is a fascinating story" says the random schmuck, "but tell me what was your third wish?" The man with an orange for a head replies, "Why, naturally my third wish was to have an orange for a head." Isn't this a variation on the Twelve Inch Pianist joke? Or the million Ducks? ... The "Elephant's Trunk" is still my all-time favourite. As featured in Men in black. One version, anyway. there are several punchlines.
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Nov 19, 2015 18:48
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I think they should Billy Bob more jokes. You know how Billy Bob's character in Sling Blade didn't exactly get the joke about the guys peeing off the bridge so he hosed up when he tried to tell the joke? Do that with all jokes, it would fit with the ironically unfunny GBS style of anti-humor. "Did ya hear how Mike Tyson put that waitress in the hospital, mmm hmm, she asked him if he wanted a doggie bag, mmm hmm, and he punched her in the face."
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Nov 19, 2015 19:00
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a neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink and the bartender says "for you, no charge"
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Nov 19, 2015 19:00
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On Thursday mornin' chief, I bumped into a friend of mine, Herbie Robinson from Cleveland. Baseball player, boson's mate. I thought he was asleep, reached over to wake him up. Bobbed up and down in the water, just like a kinda top. Up ended. Well... he'd been bitten in half below the waist.
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Nov 19, 2015 19:01
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Mozi posted:i'm not sure if these are terrible jokes or just things that terrible people think are jokes knowledge is an empty cup
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Nov 19, 2015 19:01
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The canadians are planning a manned mission to the sun. "b-b-but it's like 10 billion degrees on the surface... " Yes they learned about this and now they're going at night.
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Nov 19, 2015 19:20
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zimboe posted:Isn't this a variation on the Twelve Inch Pianist joke? Or the million Ducks? Re the Elephant's Trunk: THE PUNCH LINE, FOLKS "Sorry, Ma'am, my rear end can't take another biscuit." ... Buddy Hackett told it the best, the dirty bastard. I miss him. E: this is a good comeback line for many customer situations ref. Applewhite. ... Who cares if it's horseshit, it's funny. zimboe fucked around with this message at 19:31 on Nov 19, 2015 |
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Nov 19, 2015 19:24
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It's the 1800's and everyone is moving west to stake their claim on cheap land. A rabbit, raven, and turtle decide to join up and head to Texas and start a farm. After crossing the Mississippi, the three travelers realize that they had forgotten the fertilizer. Though the raven can travel by air, it is decided that the rabbit has the best combination of strength and speed so he goes back east to retrieve the compost. Meanwhile, the raven and turtle reach their Texas plot and by sheer accident, discover oil under their property. They become unimaginably wealthy overnight and not only build a mansion but also hire servants and butlers to wait on them hand and foot. The rabbit arrives not long after they are well-established. Coming to the door of this huge house, the rabbit sheepishly knocks on the door. A male butler answers the door. "May I help you?" the butler says with a sneer. "I need to see Mr. Turtle," the rabbit replies. With a look of disgust the butler answers, "Mr. Tur-Tell is out by the well." "Oh, well then can I talk to Mr. Raven?" the rabbit asks. The butler rolls his eyes, "Mr. Ruh-Ven is back in the den." The rabbit had enough. "Fine. Tell Mr. Tur-Tell out by the well and Mr. Ruh-Ven back in the den that Mr. Ruh-Bit is here with the poo poo."
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Nov 19, 2015 19:31
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The big tomato says to the little tomato, catchup.
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Nov 19, 2015 19:35
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zimboe posted:Re the Elephant's Trunk: Punchline II: "Honey, this one's eating my popcorn!" ... This joke might be thousands of years old. As soon as humans saw that trunk- The Joke- the Great Joke- was born. It would have been a matter of minutes before its genesis.
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Nov 19, 2015 19:41
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Woah it took a couple days to get going but this thread has some legs!
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Nov 19, 2015 19:48
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In my personal white-trash hick culture, it is the solemn duty of the Father to teach his Sons every filthy joke he has ever known, aside from how to keep clapped-out Fords on the road. Much hilarity was had. Nobody laughs as hard as an eight-year-old kid when he hears the "Exsrews me Lady" joke for the first time. And o' course the"Right ball, Left ball" joke. I consider this as a treasured part of my Honkie heritage. So consider how long this has been going on- There may be jokes we know and love that may have been passed down ever since Homo-Sapiens made the first Neanderthal joke. ... Even Homo Habilis thought farts were funny, I bet. Some of our best jokes may be ancient. Paleo-jokeology, anyone? (USER WAS PUT ON PROBATION FOR THIS POST)
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Nov 19, 2015 20:15
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Why does every canadian have a knife in their car? to cut corners
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Nov 19, 2015 20:21
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Keep it up guys! I updated the OP with some of the best ones so far. Here's one to take to the bank: What's the difference between a GBS poster and a bucket of jizz? The bucket!
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Nov 19, 2015 22:54
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What do you call a cow with no legs? ground beef Where does a bear poo poo? anywhere he wants
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Nov 19, 2015 22:59
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What was Dale Earnhardt's favorite Pink Floyd album? Figure it out you moron
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Nov 19, 2015 23:36
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What do you call a cow masturbating? Beef Stroganoff How do you sink a Polish submarine? Knock on the door
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Nov 20, 2015 01:37
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What's blue and has 22 tits? The trash-bag in the breast-cancer ward.
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Nov 20, 2015 01:41
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Does anyone recite dubious Confucius aphorisms any more? "Confucius say: baseball wrong - man with four balls cannot walk" "Confucius say: man who goes to bed with itchy butt wakes up with smelly finger"
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Nov 20, 2015 03:36
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Confucius say, man with hand in pocket feel a little cocky
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Nov 20, 2015 03:45
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Confucius say man who stand on toilet high on pot. Did you hear about the new combination German/Japanese restaurant? An hour after I ate there I was hungry....FOR POWER.
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Nov 20, 2015 05:30
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Confucius say: Man who live in glass house should dress in basement.
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Nov 20, 2015 07:06
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My sex life.
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Nov 20, 2015 09:51
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I had sex with your wife
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Nov 20, 2015 10:03
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Mel gibson jew jokes
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Nov 20, 2015 10:33
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You can't hear a pterodactyl urinate because of its silent p(ee).
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Nov 20, 2015 23:05
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How do you circumcise a redneck? kick his sister in the jaw
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Nov 21, 2015 03:51
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why did the chicken cross the road? THE BALLS
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Nov 21, 2015 07:22
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"you got your pyf in my gibbus!" "you got your gibbus in my pyf!" *disturbingly graphic dude on dude assplay*
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Nov 21, 2015 07:36
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Confucius say, "Early to bed, early to rise, look down at pants, have morning surprise"
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Nov 21, 2015 08:54
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3 gays having sex what do you call the one in the middle? the double adapter
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Nov 21, 2015 10:29
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