Why don't you have a girlfriend?

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > Why don't you have a girlfriend?

STABASS: Apr 18, 2009; Fun Shoe

Finally able to get about 3/4 of my dick in my mouth, once I figure out how to lick my rear end in a top hat I'm set for life.

# ? Nov 23, 2015 04:43

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 00:46

buglord: Jul 31, 2010; Cheating at a raffle? I sentence you to 1 year in jail! No! Two years! Three! Four! Five years! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!; Buglord

Because I like peepees :whitewater:

# ? Nov 23, 2015 04:48

Tumblr of scotch: Mar 13, 2006; Please, don't be my neighbor.

I do.

# ? Nov 23, 2015 05:34

Homo Simpson: Oct 21, 2014; by Smythe; Lipstick Apathy

Because I'm a goon who hates his existence duh.

# ? Nov 23, 2015 06:58

Ivan Shitskin: Nov 29, 2002

i've had one for a month now OP

it's our one month anniversary tomorrow.

# ? Nov 23, 2015 07:13

ghosTTy: Sep 22, 2008

im a sex haver

# ? Nov 23, 2015 07:18

Faux-Ass Nonsense: Feb 9, 2013; by Lowtax

i could only get with a disgusting/annoying lady atm, which i've tried and it wasnt worth it.gradually getting my poo poo together so that's no longer the case.

# ? Nov 23, 2015 08:47

chickie nugs for brekkie: May 17, 2010

Because 6's won't chill and 7's won't put out.

# ? Nov 23, 2015 09:12

Wicker Man: Sep 5, 2007; Just like Columbus...; Clapping Larry

I work nights. I sleep when people do stuff. No hobbies. And the only ones taking an interest in me are chubby single moms.

Plus women that aren't single moms never seem to be NOT in a relationship.

# ? Nov 23, 2015 09:37

Comfy Fleece Sweater: Apr 2, 2013; You see, but you do not observe.

# ? Nov 24, 2015 19:10

Zzulu: May 15, 2009; (â°ËvËâ°)

Wicker Man posted:

I work nights. I sleep when people do stuff. No hobbies. And the only ones taking an interest in me are chubby single moms.

Plus women that aren't single moms never seem to be NOT in a relationship.

what's wrong with chubby single moms, bro

You're a goon, you can't aim much higher than that

# ? Nov 24, 2015 19:22

ChairmanMeow: Mar 1, 2008; Fire up the grill everyone eats tonight!; Lipstick Apathy

As a chubby single mom, He would still be dating up

# ? Nov 24, 2015 19:37

Stinky_Pete: Aug 16, 2015; Stinkier than your average bear; Lipstick Apathy

Have you seen Don Jon? Jerking it is clearly more bang for your buck

# ? Nov 24, 2015 19:41

whatevz: Sep 22, 2013; I lack the most basic processes inherent in all living organisms: reproducing and dying.

timefly posted:

If you profess to like dicks why not????? Idgi I would truly rather suck a cock than anything else

I know it's a lie but I'm still hard.

# ? Nov 24, 2015 19:44

MrMidnight: Aug 3, 2006

I have a wife. I wish I had a girlfriend.

# ? Nov 24, 2015 20:10

Bodyholes: Jun 30, 2005

i actually might have one i'm not really sure. sort of in that murky initial dating phase where it's good but it may or may not evaporate next week

# ? Nov 24, 2015 20:25

Dr. Snuggles: Dec 3, 2012; Tbh some of us (Pick) use this website more than others and I feel that I am unfairly subsidizing picks posting. Unless some kind of fee by post usage is enabled were basically instituting a forced welfare state of posting.

im tha garirlfinded and ifa you think that LOL im FART caramel macchiato

hahaha virgin goon cucklerd.s

# ? Nov 24, 2015 20:32

CuRvY G0oNeTTe: Oct 30, 2015; by Lowtax; Lipstick Apathy

C.P.A.N. posted:

Because 6's won't chill and 7's won't put out.

That means ur aiming too high. Btw women are not numbers u misogynist poo poo bag. I hpe u get shot and killed asap

# ? Nov 25, 2015 01:18

LadyAmbien: Oct 22, 2015

NecessaryEvil posted:

I'm 35, was happily married for 7.5 years. With her for 11. Then, she developed BPD, went off the deep end, spent three months in a mental institution convinced I was abusive and a bunch of other untrue stuff. She wanted a divorce, and had locked me out from being able to care for her, so I gave it to her in hopes that it'd help her get better. Gave her the car, and about 1/2 of what I had, because it was the right thing to do.

Been "single" for a year and two days now, divorced for about eight months. (My ex has done well with medication, and we've rebuilt our friendship, but we know it'd be healthier for us to stay just friends, rather than trying to redo a relationship)

I took time to myself to accomplish what I'd set out to do in other aspects of my life. I bought a house (which was more painful financially after I gave her what amounted to more than the down-payment), adopted a dog. Got a promotion at work. I sort of lost one group of friends after shielding them from being stuck in the middle while she was having her psychotic episode (or they simply don't do anything any more, I'm not sure), but made a new group of friends. One of those new friends I basically turned into my best friend, but I won't date her (coworker, she's like a sister, and I know that I'm not right for her for several reasons).

Now, I'm at a point where I'm alone, lonely, this weekend makes me rather depressed given what it's the anniversary of. I don't have any major life goals, as I had accomplished the ones I could do on my own, and need some new ones. The ones I had planned beyond the "buying a house, getting a dog" were related to starting a family, but since I'm starting over from square one in a relationship, that'll take some time.

Of the girls I've thought about moving on with locally, I was either never really interested (especially to the level they were), or the ones I was interested in online fizzled out before they ever got started. It's probably just as well, as I'm not excited about another long distance, and I'm not interested in moving. Sadly, the ones that are actually INTERESTING to me seem to live some 60 miles away. I have no interest in hooking up, or moving fast. I had a great relationship, and I want to find that again. I'm not willing to rush it, and I've passed up a few meaningless "opportunities" to get laid.

And, I'm not comfortable with bar scenes (although I'll go to hang out with friends), although in person has to be better than what little is available online at this point.

And there's the "lazy and scared", which is very true. I'm not afraid to put myself out there and get rejected, I'm more just daunted by the work I know is ahead of me. I was happy and practically complacent with my love life with my ex for so long, that doing it all over again to get to a comparable point of comfort is rather disconcerting.

I felt the same way when I was single and not ready for a relationship. The right one will come around when it's the right time, and won't seem like work. Keep trusting your instincts when it comes to passing on the women who want something different than you do. The loneliness sucks, but compare it to being lonely within a relationship that isn't right for you, and it makes it a bit easier. You sound level headed, and like you know what you want in the long run with another woman. Keep doing you, find some new goals that excite you, and you'll get the relationship you deserve when you need it.

# ? Nov 25, 2015 02:11

Dr. Carwash: Sep 16, 2006; Senpai...

LadyAmbien posted:

You sound level headed,

no one that writes that many words itt is level headed lol

# ? Nov 25, 2015 02:24

stefania_r: Sep 2, 2011

I'm pretty sure that CuRvY G0oNeTTe is a man and and that his lascivious username is just a ploy.

I, on the other hand, am a real female willing to give you free "lifehacks" about how to get a girlfriend. Post your picture, height and weight and a few words about your life*. I will provide with the best advice.

* Those of you who are shy can PM the details but I need not to remind you that bravery is a desired trait in a man and so I encourge you to post here in this thread.

# ? Nov 25, 2015 03:01

FizFashizzle: Mar 30, 2005

lol i just got out of that poo poo

being single rules

# ? Nov 25, 2015 03:02

Hotel Kpro: Feb 24, 2011; owls don't go to school; Dinosaur Gum

I sucked some dicks. It was like stupid easy to hook up with dudes but women make no goddamn sense.

# ? Nov 25, 2015 03:14

luncheon meat: Oct 11, 2007; Brendan Jones, 42, Bendigo

i'm fat lol

# ? Nov 25, 2015 03:17

NecessaryEvil: Aug 10, 2006; Professional Slacker

Dr. Carwash posted:

no one that writes that many words itt is level headed lol

I'm certainly not without my issues. I just HOPE that I've worked (most of) them out over the past months.

I just overthink everything, so I've got a pretty good idea of just how hosed up I was/am, and how to "fix" a bit of that.

# ? Nov 25, 2015 03:18

Flyball: Apr 17, 2003

Poverty. I'm a temporarily embarrassed ten-thousandaire.

# ? Nov 25, 2015 03:35

Think Thin!: Sep 17, 2006

Aferisan posted:

im tha garirlfinded and ifa you think that LOL im FART caramel macchiato

hahaha virgin goon cucklerd.s

falseflag harder you chucklefuck

# ? Nov 25, 2015 03:40

ChairmanMeow: Mar 1, 2008; Fire up the grill everyone eats tonight!; Lipstick Apathy

skander posted:

Poverty. I'm a temporarily embarrassed ten-thousandaire.

uh you rich fool

that is 500 jon pop hooker girlfriends

ChairmanMeow fucked around with this message at 04:03 on Nov 25, 2015

# ? Nov 25, 2015 03:58

VendaGoat: Nov 1, 2005

Changing my answer to; "haven't found a chick with tits big enough"

:v:

# ? Nov 25, 2015 03:59

ChairmanMeow: Mar 1, 2008; Fire up the grill everyone eats tonight!; Lipstick Apathy

VendaGoat posted:

Changing my answer to; "haven't found a chick with tits big enough"

that was already your answer

VendaGoat posted:

Can't find a woman with Comically Oversized, Circus Tits

# ? Nov 25, 2015 04:02

VendaGoat: Nov 1, 2005

ChairmanMeow posted:

that was already your answer

I'm a simple man with a short attention span.

# ? Nov 25, 2015 04:07

Car Hater: May 7, 2007; wolf. bike.
Wolf. Bike.
Wolf! Bike!
WolfBike!
WolfBike!
ARROOOOOO!

I have one OP, but I'm convinced that the only reason I do is that she's never been to my house to see me in my natural, goonish, weed/bourbon/pizza/videogames lifestyle. As this is also my longest relationship, I recommend goons imitate me and date ph.d students with no car, it works.

# ? Nov 25, 2015 04:52

wane tendo: Mar 19, 2005; Buglord

i just dumped my GF a few weeks ago so I'm on "The Hunt" for a goonette, but you have to have short dark hair preferably & be cute (maybe asian?) also live near me. PM me if u R serious.

# ? Nov 25, 2015 05:56

Guzwar: Feb 21, 2006; Everything's coming up Milhouse!

LadyAmbien posted:

you'll get the relationship you deserve when you need it.

This is problematic in today's world of nice guys who think they deserve pussy just for *random acts of theoretical kindness*

"Welp, I was nice on this raid of life so I deserve pussy loot, lol, mind if I roll NEED?"

# ? Nov 25, 2015 12:03

Cnut the Great: Mar 30, 2014

CuRvY G0oNeTTe posted:

That means ur aiming too high. Btw women are not numbers u misogynist poo poo bag. I hpe u get shot and killed asap

i'm glad this number ranking thing is bullshit because it means i'm not actually a 4 like everyone tells me

# ? Nov 25, 2015 12:22

Sekenr: Dec 12, 2013

CuRvY G0oNeTTe posted:

There are billions of women on earth. Many are single and in your neighborhood. There are lots of convenient-to-use dating apps. So why don't you have a girlfriend?

Because it's too much effort :negative:

# ? Nov 25, 2015 12:34

Enfield: May 30, 2011; by Nyc_Tattoo

stefania_r posted:

I'm pretty sure that CuRvY G0oNeTTe is a man and and that his lascivious username is just a ploy.

I, on the other hand, am a real female willing to give you free "lifehacks" about how to get a girlfriend. Post your picture, height and weight and a few words about your life*. I will provide with the best advice.

* Those of you who are shy can PM the details but I need not to remind you that bravery is a desired trait in a man and so I encourge you to post here in this thread.

i like to describe myself as ferretlike, meaning im long and hairy and weigh 2 pounds and a dense swirlying mass of dead skin flakes is comstantly hovering over my head like an angry cartoon storm cloud. my hobbies include boardgames and baked beans

# ? Nov 25, 2015 13:25

Crimson Harvest: Jul 14, 2004; I'm a GENERAL, not some opera floozy!

It's because I have dedicated my life to video games instead.

# ? Nov 25, 2015 13:49

a misanthrope: Jun 21, 2010

Forceholy posted:

-I'm a 27 year old college student who's too lowly to date women my age and too intimidated to try my hand with undergrad girls (Plus, I can't stand their immaturity).

-Not good looking. Chubby, Glasses, Braces, acne scars, don't have a great wardrobe yet.

-Realize I'm a boring dull person with no real hobbies.

-Too busy with work, school and student orgs for a SO or hobbies.

-Realize that I stand no chance as a nerdy, chubby, boring dude in the most vain city in America where being a charismatic, talented adonis is PAR for the dating scene out here.

-Live in an apartment living room and sleep on a futon.

-Live with three other dudes who are better looking, and have more experience amd charisma than I'll ever have.

-Terrible flirt/inexperienced in romance

-Too much of a coward when asking someone out

-5+ year dry spell gives low morale

-History of Depression, Low self-esteem and social anxiety.

-Recovering Nice Guy

I know what I need to fix and I know that it will take time. At best, I'll be in my 30s, in a job I hate, married to a women I probably don't even love, like everyone else.

*twirls cane and gives a liitle tip of the top hat

son i have just the remedy for you!

*reaches into magic, multi-colored bag and pulls out a piece of paper with "commit suicide" embossed on it in fancy gold script

# ? Nov 25, 2015 14:03

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# ? Apr 26, 2024 00:46

praxis: Aug 1, 2003

Combination of my standards being too high and being completely unable to read social cues.

# ? Nov 26, 2015 01:34

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