|
Hi Guys, A different thread made me think of this movie, so I am going to watch it and give my very serious opinions on it as I do so. Kazaam was made in 1996 and stars Shaquille O'Neal. It is at 6% on rottentomatoes. Please wish me luck, this could be difficult. Pull out your VHS and watch along if you wish! 
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:10
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 27, 2024 21:38 |
|
|
I don't remember what this movie was about at all, so this is like I'm watching for the first time, blind. It looks like someone wants to knock down a building, but inside is this sweet rear end workshop where I think Shaq the genie lives. Oh look, Shaq was an executive producer. He really does it all.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:14
|
|
|
Here's a reply so you don't kill yourself.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:16
|
|
|
Falun Bong Refugee posted:Here's a reply so you don't kill yourself. Please delete your comment.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:17
|
|
|
We've got a douchey little kid that I guess is the protagonist? He is committing vandalism at the moment... But now he's getting beat up by bullies, haha... They should have given him a swirly. This kid is an annoying brat and I hope Shaq dunks in his face. And kid just made a transgender joke, what a jerk! Oh no, little kid (Max) is about to get a new stepdad and he's predictable being a whiny bitch about it.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:19
|
|
|
There is like some serious gang related poo poo going on here, Max is running from a group of like 20 kids and he just stumbled into the old house with the Shaq genie. I wonder what will happen! He just fell through five floors and didn't hurt himself at all, seems realistic. And here is Shaq, oh jesus, this is terrible. They just showed a Pepsi can for like three seconds before Shaq stepped on it. He's speaking in rhymes, lol...
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:23
|
|
|
Shaq publicly acts as if his youthful forays into movies, music, and videogames during the 1990s are all a big silly joke from his early career, but they've been the cause of many smashed dressing room mirrors and flipped deli platters in green rooms.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:25
|
|
|
I hope Kazaam is Ok
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:28
|
|
|
take a picture of your screen while you watch and put it in your posts OP.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:28
|
|
|
If you step on a can you can get a bad disease that myabe they didn't know about in genie times
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:29
|
|
|
First wish is for a black Jaguar. The car. Shaq is experiencing Genie ED and can't seem to make this happen. I guess he is a bad genie? Haha, those bullies finally beat Max up, little poo poo got what he deserved. And now his new dad is trying to straight talk with him. I would probably just beat him instead. I don't understand why they made this kid so unlikeable. More Pepsi in the fridge! Shaq and his Pepsi, that greedy corporate shill. Max just found out where his real dad lives, I suspect that will be important soon... Shaq is actually not too terrible now that I'm getting the vibe of this movie. He plays weirdo sadsack genie pretty well. edit: Shaq just made me laugh, like for real. Stockholm Syndrome is already developing. Nolan Arenado fucked around with this message at 01:32 on Dec 15, 2015 |
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:30
|
|
|
bye
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:32
|
|
|
Max is bonding with Shaq now, and Shaq is actually calling him out on his bullshit, which is nice. I gather the main point of the genie part of this movie is that Shaq really wants the kid to make his 3 wishes so he can be rid of him and the kid is refusing because he is stupid or something, or too focused on his real dad or whatever. Shaq is rhyming again.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:36
|
|
|
Shaq blows at this. He finally convinced the kid he is a genie and the kid asked for a room full of junk food but now disgusting burgers and burritos are just plopping all over. But here's some candy I guess, so I think this was a success! (oh god, he has me rhyming now) Max: "You're not telling me that was a wish?!" Shaq: "Like the main man did with loaves and fish!" The kid figured out Shaq can't leave until all 3 wishes are done, and he's apparently a lonely loser so he is going to force Shaq to be his friend by not making more wishes. Shaq's pants are falling down...
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:42
|
|
|
Max's real dad seems to be some kind of sleazy record executive or something. Max just dropped the bomb to dad that he is his son... Max's dad is taking it surprisingly well and I'm sure this won't blow up in everyone's face. This is a bunch of boring family drama right now and I want cool Shaq back on my screen. Blah, blah, mother, father, stepfather, sad Max, blah, blah, blah. Max's dad apparently gave him two passes to this concert and Max is just wandering around amongst drunk adults, luckily Shaq is there to keep him company. I think this band is supposed to be TLC, but I don't think they actually are. Oh dammit, Shaq is now rapping, you can't do this dude, you are bad at it.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:50
|
|
|
This is a Fun! thread all it needs now is Jeb!
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:51
|
|
|
Whoa, Max's dad is some kind of music/video pirate and Max just found out. Awkwaaaaard. Now Shaq is a celebrity at the club and they want to sign him due to his music skills, haha. And the generic bullies are back to bother Max in a generic way. They are eating raw eyeballs in a cab, there is some foreign guy acting weird so he must be the villain. Max is now leading the bullies into the studio to steal a tape or something because Max is a little bitch and still wants these people to be his friends.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 01:56
|
|
|
The plot of this film is not very good and surprisingly Shaq has been the best actor so far because he's just rolling with the absurdities of this instead of playing the dumb story straight. Max just woke up with Shaq next to him in bed and he called Shaq a pervert, haha. Not untrue. From 45-50 minutes, this movie is just Shaq acting like a 5 year old and putting on funny masks and singing and I wish the whole movie was this.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:02
|
|
|
good luck, we're all counting on you
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:06
|
|
|
Shaq is now pretending to be Max's tutor for some reason. Maybe so he could eat french toast off of Max's mom's butt, it seems. "Stuff is good, what kind of stuff? I used to do stuff a long time ago." Shaq granted someone's wish to destroy Pompeii, the bastard. Unfortunately it looks like Shaq is going to start rapping again soon. Yep, he and Max are both rapping. Oh god, it's an actual song and they are dancing. This is shockingly bad. "Those babies had rabies" is something Shaq just sung.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:08
|
|
|
Max kind of looks like the kid version of Steve Buscemi. Now Max's dad is getting the poo poo beat out of him by foreign villain man. Conveniently right as Max walks in and can spy on them. It appears that Max will have to use a wish to get the tape back that his punk bully friends stole and this will save Max's dad. "Nothing is more Amazia than my studies in Asia"
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:14
|
|
|
Foreign villain suspects Shaq of something, so he has an attractive lady on the case to try to crack him. This isn't very clear. Max and his real dad are now bonding about how Max's dad is a lovely dude who shouldn't be idolized, pretty standard stuff. But BOOM, Max produces the tape! His dad is happy to see the tape and kicks Max out of the car and let's him ride his bike home, haha. Now Shaq the person is once again doing some wish fulfillment poo poo and this whole scene is him rapping in front of a giant crowd and being cheered.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:21
|
|
|
good luck, we're all counting on you
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:21
|
|
|
Now we get to the heavy poo poo. Max's final wish is for his dad to have a second chance. Shaq refuses to grant it for BS reasons and Max sees right through it that Shaq just wants to be a famous rapper and doesn't want to get shoved back into that genie bottle. So Shaq is being an rear end in a top hat... More Pepsi! Foreign man stole Shaq's boombox which apparently Shaq needs to be a genie even though the movie never stated this and I'm not sure what's going on. Somehow by acquiring this boombox the foreign man has figured out Shaq is a genie and is trying to force Max to make a wish for him. How the gently caress the dude figured that out is beyond me and the movie doesn't care to explain. I just can't overlook errors like this, it will heavily affect my overall rating.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:26
|
|
|
Foreign dude just tried to murder Max but that finally got Shaq to stop rapping and try to rescue Max. Somehow this process ended up with Shaq trapped by the foreign man for reasons that are again unclear. Shaq just tried to grab the foreign man and his hand went right through him. Causing Shaq to start like dissolving or something, but I do not know why. He recovered from this and is now kicking everyone's rear end in very unrealistic movie style. Why did his hand go through that guy?!? Haha, oh my god, Shaq just turned the villain dude into a giant ball and dunked him into an air vent. loving classic.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:32
|
|
|
I saw this in a dollar theater
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:37
|
|
|
So Max is trapped in this building that is on fire due to Shaq's rear end kicking and all that and Shaq just discovered Max, who is dead, but I'm sure not really. Shaq is about to cry. Shaq just started to glow and now Max is alive and Shaq is kissing him. Now Shaq is slowly disappearing, I guess that third wish did count and maybe Shaq gave his life so Max could live or some poo poo. I think Kazaam has now been freed? He did say "The Power is in You" before he left so maybe Max is a genie now? Or maybe not... he was just rescued by a firefighter. Oh, haha, his stepdad is a firefighter, how loving original that his stepfather saves him.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:37
|
|
|
OctoberBlues posted:Haha, oh my god, Shaq just turned the villain dude into a giant ball and dunked him into an air vent. loving classic. I didn't think genies could do that unless they had consent
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:38
|
|
|
Max's real dad was saved by Shaq and now he has a second chance and wants to go fishing with stupid ugly Max. The mother is okay with this even though the dad was a slimeball and I think he might be getting arrested right now? And now Max loves his stepdad too! Possibly because he saved his life. The movie ends with Max saying he wishes he had hot chocolate and one just appears in front of him and his mother has no issue with him drinking this mystery chocolate. Then we see Shaq with the hot lady from earlier and she's ragging on him about not having a job and Shaq just turns to Max and is like "A job!??!?" and Max smiles and it fades to black. Final thoughts to follow.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:42
|
|
|
I give Kazaam a 4/10. Shaq did have some funny moments, but it was just too hard to root for that kid and the movie didn't even try to explain the plot. I still don't know what was up with the boombox or that part where Shaq's hand went through the dude. It also ended with a nice little bow far too easily. As I said before, a 1 1/2 hour movie that is just a longer version of the 5 minutes from 45-50 would be ideal. Just Shaq dressed up funny doing funny things. A final note - it was very annoying how the movie shoved Pepsi in my face and even worse, how it shoved Shaq rapping into my face. He clearly wanted to use this as a way to get more music fans as well, and it did not do a good job of that. I hope you all enjoyed, I know I didn't!
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 02:47
|
|
|
thank u
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 03:01
|
|
|
im watching Raw but reading this thread makes me really want a Pepsi, im in sober living atm so thats the next best thing
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 03:20
|
|
|
OP, have you never heard of goontube?
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 03:24
|
|
|
I read your entire thread. But I'm not here to give you poo poo because it beats actually watching Kazaam.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 03:31
|
|
|
 These are bad, fyi.
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 03:43
|
|
|
Mozi posted:good luck, we're all counting on you (i get the reference)
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 03:43
|
|
|
shaq has mono
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 03:48
|
|
|
Now do steel
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 04:04
|
|
|
DrManiac posted:Now do steel I am but one man!
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 04:10
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 27, 2024 21:38 |
|
|
"fun"
|
|
#
?
Dec 15, 2015 04:37
|
|
