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Good feedback. Will try again.
George Sex - REAL fucked around with this message at 13:22 on Jan 4, 2016 |
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Jan 3, 2016 06:17
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 01:43 |
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yo man i'm gonna lay this quote on you real quick and see if you vibe with it, "You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else"
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Jan 3, 2016 07:37
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I'ma put this on my wall next to my Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas movie poster
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Jan 3, 2016 07:39
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Sitting Here posted:yo man i'm gonna lay this quote on you real quick and see if you vibe with it, "You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else" I remember this from Brad Pitt in the movie.
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Jan 3, 2016 07:55
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Okay so but, in all seriousness, I'm not really sure what the objective of this piece is. It reads like a frustrated blog article about millennials  Best I can suss out, there's something here about embracing the regret we accrue with our meaningless contemporary hobbies and passtimes and youtubes, or something? I'm not actually sure. It feels a bit nihilistic and scattered. I could probably be more helpful if you could tell us concisely what you are wanting to convey.
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Jan 3, 2016 08:05
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This is an essay where someone is passionately advocating for living a lifestyle hinged upon experiencing regret. Because I have a word limit and am attempting to create a mood suitable for the type of person writing this essay, it is cut in places I may have wanted to expand upon, but did graze past in the hope that the reader could still relate. What I am hoping to ideally leave the reader with is "This was a fun and interesting thing about someone wanting me to live life in an impractical way. I have just enough information to glean that, whatever beliefs this person might have, they arrived at them in a way that follows an internal logic." I am also concerned that the the writing might seem heavy handed or moralistic and I'm feeling like it might be both. George Sex - REAL fucked around with this message at 08:34 on Jan 3, 2016 |
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Jan 3, 2016 08:25
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Dorkopotamis posted:I am also concerned that the the writing might seem heavy handed or moralistic and I'm feeling like it might be both. I think you are onto something. This piece has issues with clarity because lots of your sentences are these kind of big, declarative statements. The world works X way, people do X thing for Y reason. Etcetera. It's a while before regret really comes into focus, and only a small part of this essay is actually dedicated to how one lives a life hinged on regret. quote:What I am hoping to ideally leave the reader with is "This was a fun and interesting thing about someone wanting me to live life in an impractical way. I have just enough information to glean that, whatever beliefs this person might have, they arrived at them in a way that follows an internal logic." I think you should focus more on the "how to" aspect. This would feel more convincing if it was less manifesto and more, like, "here's how to live life in this impractical way." You can weave the hypothetical writer's rational into that. It should really feel more persuasive than soapboxy, if that makes sense.
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Jan 3, 2016 10:13
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Sitting Here posted:It should really feel more persuasive than soapboxy, if that makes sense. It does. Thanks for taking a read.
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Jan 3, 2016 10:28
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 01:43 |
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The first few paragraphs come off as a mix of weird humblebragging and "teenager who has just discovered nihilism". Then, it veers wildly into "angry old man doesn't want kids on his lawn" before finally finding an equilibrium in confusing, pretentious word-salad. Writing like this can only be successful is the narrator is likeable, and starting out the gate with "I am so good at guitar that only I know how bad I am at guitar lol ur all sheep" is not a good way to get us on your side. If you're going to call an entire generation useless fuckheads, you need to approach it with a little humility and understanding. You like Hunter S. Thompson, right? Of course you do. And probably David Foster Wallace too. Not that they're bad writers -- quite the opposite, but if you like them, please go back and re-read their bits like this. The reason it works with both men is that they're unfailingly honest with themselves and the reader. This doesn't come off as honest at all: it comes off as braggadocio about how cool and enlightened you are compared to everybody else. Thompson and Wallace were deeply flawed men, and they owned it. Without that, they would've come off as total dickheads. Sincerity is your friend -- before you start looking outwards and talking about how everybody else sucks, look inwards and write about that. Until we see some honestly and vulnerability, this piece is going nowhere.
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Jan 4, 2016 07:53
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