I just made soup and it's disgusting

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > I just made soup and it's disgusting

Zamboni Rodeo: Jul 19, 2007; NEVER play "Lady of Spain" AGAIN!

This is probably the best soup recipe ever. You should make this one:

quote:

I got really sick this past month and ended up eating a lot of crock-pot congee. I haven't seen a single word on congee in this thread, but the next time any of you are ill, I highly suggest it.

If someone needs a recipe, the basic one goes something like this:

Ingredients needed:
-Rice
-Salt
-Chicken or another broth. If you have duck broth, use that. Ducks are well known for their brothiness.

Optional ingredients, for when you aren't sick:
-Shredded meat, be it duck, pork, chicken, or "meat"
-Eggs
-Peanuts
-Ginger
-Shiitake mushrooms
-Green onions
-Sesame oil
-Oyster sauce
-Fish sauce
-Pepper sauce
-Soy sauce
-Picked vegetables
-Duck eggs or century eggs
-There are probably 100 other possible congee additions

Instructions:
1. Painfully wake up in your sweat-ridden bed and belch forth a solid three minutes of profanity against an impotent but vengeful god who hasn't yet been able to sack up enough juices to kill you. Your gravelly cries should be punctuated by deep, phlegmy coughs.
2. Now that you're sitting upright, it's time for the ritual clearing of holes in your head. Your idiot doctor wants a good post-sleep sputum sample. gently caress him and that "I'm not giving you antibiotics yet because I still think it's viral" crap. He might change his mind when you fill up this mayonnaise jar full of nickelodeonesque green slime and chuck it through his clinic window with a note wrapped around it: "Mostly from left lung. Right to follow."
3. Decide you should probably try to eat something.
4. Go to kitchen wearing blanket from bed. Shakily collapse on the stairs during the journey. Sit and think about how stupid stairs really are and how, now that you see them up close, you really need to vacuum them more. God drat this illness has made your IQ drop like a stone.
5. Dry heave.
6. Get to the kitchen and eat something random.
7. Wet heave.
8. As you sit on the floor in front of your toilet, ponder about eating a gentler food.
9. Look at yourself in bathroom mirror. Jesus christ. Just look at yourself. Is that thrush on your tongue? Dear god, what the hell is wrong with you. If you tossed some glitter on your face and called yourself Edward, you could easily be chest-deep in fat girl blowjobs right now.
10. In a feverish daydream where beautiful, scantily-clad women are ladling some kind of food to you, remember congee.
11. Fill a crock-pot with rice and broth (or, gently caress it, water) at a ratio of about 1:10. If you weren't sick, you'd probably add some shredded duck, pork, or chicken. Then maybe you'd add some ginger and shiitakes. You might add eggs towards the end of cooking. That's right. Eggs cooked into congee may be the only way that you'd be able to keep down any protein. Salt that poo poo. gently caress it, add MSG too. MSG never hurt a goddamn person.
12. Go back to your bedroom. Take a random smattering of the roulette-like series of medications that have been suggested, prescribed, or concocted for you over the past weeks.
13. Because light makes your head throb in and out like it's the final boss from Contra, relegate yourself to listening to a few hours of lovely, soft-voiced audiobooks on low volume.
14. When you hear the earth-shaking bass once again from your neighbor's car stereo, run outside with your pale, green skin and puke-covered robe and tell the knuckle-dragger that if he doesn't turn the stereo off, you're going to spit in his mouth, then rub vomit all over his car and poo poo diarrhea onto anything he might touch in order to ensure that he contracts this same illness. Surely, that's what you meant to say in your head, but what he and his buddies hear are the incoherent, hoarse, frog-like ramblings of a hacking madman.
15. Back inside, realize that you forgot to turn on the crock pot. Go back to step 9. Then have a serious, child-like fit. Collapse in the corner of the kitchen floor as a spent, husk of a man.
16. Reflect on your newfound, near-unemployment because you work in a building chock-full of cancer patients, which means no work until you're fully healthy.
17. Check your phone messages. Skip the messages from people who jokingly ask if you're still alive. Wonder what your doctor's nurse means when she says you should come back in at your earliest convenience.
18. Go lay in bed and contemplate if this is when you're meant to die. Drift off to yet another session of vivid, sweaty, nightmare-ridden sleep. Even in your nightmares you are somehow ill and broken. You don't even try to fight the the evil puppetmaster scientist as he puts your brain into the body of a dog and makes you watch as he sodomizes your vacant human carcass. Then you sit in a dog pound waiting to be euthanized, but all that anyone hears of you trying to speak are barks, and you don't even care to bark anymore. Even the old nightmare that you've had since you where 5 years old is ineffective. This is the one where you are shrunk to an inch of height and forgotten. Your tiny dream self just lays down and readies himself to die, not even attempting to attract the attention of the giant friends and family who tower above.
19. Awaken and go eat congee. Soy sauce is probably the only thing you'll be able to add and stomach.
20. Go back to bed with a belly full of lovely congee, which you're surprisingly not throwing up. Listen to more audiobooks, and then again drift off to sleep.
21. Wake up in the hospital. Be given a stern reprimand from doctors and nurses, as if you purposely brought this poo poo on yourself because you have a fetish for potassium drips and rear end-less gowns.
22. Hear, in so many guarded, doctorese words, that your physician hosed up. Oh well, at least now you practically have a six-pack from the coughing-based ab workout.
23. When you get to go home, make and eat lots more congee. Now that you have full-on ciprofloxacin-assisted thrush, it's pretty much the only thing that you can eat without pain.

Anyway, congee is pretty good poo poo.

# ? Jan 20, 2016 04:35

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 08:10

Orkin Mang: Nov 1, 2007; by FactsAreUseless

Zamboni_Rodeo posted:

This is probably the best soup recipe ever. You should make this one:

or u can just boil the germs out of any leftover binjuice u have with a squeeze of lime

# ? Jan 20, 2016 04:36

Hometown Slime Queen: Oct 26, 2004; the GOAT

Haha one of my old boyfriends got some sort of seaweed soup from Japan and all the directions were in Japanese so he didn't know he was supposed to rinse the seaweed first so he just dumped water in there and heated it up. He was like 'Wow this is really salty!' but decided to finish it anyway, and then spent like three days vomiting and dehydrated from basically drinking a bowl of seawater.

sorry about your lovely soup though op

# ? Jan 20, 2016 04:41

Tommah: Mar 29, 2003

Vitalis Jackson posted:

frozen egg noodles

what the gently caress is this poo poo

Love,
Vitalis

# ? Jan 20, 2016 04:52

dad gay. so what: Feb 18, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

Enfield posted:

vibrating in general is a good way to burn off a lot of excess carbs

*nods*

# ? Jan 20, 2016 04:55

ClamdestineBoyster: Aug 15, 2015; Can't post for 10 years!

How hard is friggin soup? You just throw a bunch of stuff in a pot with some water for 2 or 3 hours. You can't mess up soup. :chef:

# ? Jan 20, 2016 04:59

CRIP EATIN BREAD: Jun 24, 2002; Hey stop worrying bout my acting bitch, and worry about your WACK ass music. In the mean time... Eat a hot bowl of Dicks! Ice T; Soiled Meat

masao is that you?

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:00

Lawrence Gilchrist: Mar 31, 2010

my soup was okay but i forgot to wear gloves when cutting the habaneros so im gonna feel real bad in about an hour

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:11

Vitalis Jackson: May 14, 2009; Sun and water are healthy for you -- but not for your hair!; Fun Shoe

Tommah posted:

what the gently caress is this poo poo

Love,
Vitalis

Say, is your name Vitalis, too?

http://overcookedblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Reames_Egg_Noodles.jpg

Love,
Vitalis

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:17

dad gay. so what: Feb 18, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

Lawrence Gilchrist posted:

my soup was okay but i forgot to wear gloves when cutting the habaneros so im gonna feel real bad in about an hour

lol you pussy bitch

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:17

Hector Beerlioz: Jun 16, 2010; aw, hec

Vitalis Jackson posted:

Say, is your name Vitalis, too?

http://overcookedblog.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/11/Reames_Egg_Noodles.jpg

Love,
Vitalis

I don't know who's who now

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:18

naem: May 29, 2011

EXTREME INSERTION posted:

I think you're supposed to put a whole chicken in the pot, slow boil it until the meat falls off, and then pick the meat off of the bones

I did this to a bunny he was dead

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:29

Lawrence Gilchrist: Mar 31, 2010

dad gay. so what posted:

lol you pussy bitch

ive got dry hands, because i do hard work with my hands, like my sex surrogate work for the developmentally disabled, which I do out of my converted home office.

edit: you feel-doe

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:30

dad gay. so what: Feb 18, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

Lawrence Gilchrist posted:

ive got dry hands, because i do hard work with my hands, like my sex surrogate work for the developmentally disabled, which I do out of my converted home office.

edit: you feel-doe

dunk a dill pickle, dude

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:31

Chinatown: Sep 11, 2001; by Fluffdaddy; Fun Shoe

dad gay. so what posted:

dunk a dill pickle, dude

sweet pickles are trash

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:32

extra stout: Feb 24, 2005; ISILDUR's ERR

im at that level of depressed where food is really just a banal waste of time and i have to eat it or i die, but there's something about every once in a while heating up a can of tomato soup and milk and dunking a toasted cheese in it where i remember i was born for a reason, to live and to lead you people towards greatness

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:37

dad gay. so what: Feb 18, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

extra stout posted:

im at that level of depressed where food is really just a banal waste of time and i have to eat it or i die, but there's something about every once in a while heating up a can of tomato soup and milk and dunking a toasted cheese in it where i remember i was born for a reason, to live and to lead you people towards greatness

same

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:46

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

EXTREME INSERTION posted:

I think you're supposed to put a whole chicken in the pot, slow boil it until the meat falls off, and then pick the meat off of the bones

This is mostly right but if you want the chicken to be moist you'll want to debone the chicken once it's done then continue boiling the bones for a while, otherwise the white meat is gonna get all stringy. What i do is just cook the whole chicken as normal and eat that for dinner but save the carcass after deboning. Later pressure cook the carcass with your root veg/herb, sift it and pick out the meat, and from one chicken you get a roast dinner one night, a rich soup the next, and some nice leftover meat for sandwiches.

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:49

dad gay. so what: Feb 18, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

ArbitraryC posted:

This is mostly right but if you want the chicken to be moist you'll want to debone the chicken once it's done then continue boiling the bones for a while, otherwise the white meat is gonna get all stringy. What i do is just cook the whole chicken as normal and eat that for dinner but save the carcass after deboning. Later pressure cook the carcass with your root veg/herb, sift it and pick out the meat, and from one chicken you get a roast dinner one night, a rich soup the next, and some nice leftover meat for sandwiches.

or never do that and save like 2 hours of your life and eat something good

# ? Jan 20, 2016 05:59

Vermin Tanager: Jul 2, 2007

Vitalis Jackson posted:

Well. That's not how you make chicken soup, my good friend. To make excellent chicken soup--first, buy a chicken! Take that chicken and put it in a big pot with many slices of garlic cloves (6 or eight cloves, at least), sliced celery, parsley, and sliced carrots. Salt it some, and put some pepper in it. Cover it with water, put a lid on it, bring it to a good boil; when it's boiling good, turn it down to a simmer. After a while (60-90 minutes or so), it should be done. You can tell when it's stewed enough because the legs will easily separate from the carcass. Take it off the pot, and remove the chicken, you have just made a great chicken stock! You should debone the chicken and put some of it in the stock. Now feel free to add rice (the healthy choice!) or frozen egg noodles (the tastiest choice!). That's basically it, friend. You can add some flour/water mixture to it to thicken it. If you have any questions, just ask!

Love,
Vitalis

Wow, that sounds really good.

I'll just assume that you could substitute a couple of pounds of bacon (or a T-bone steak) for the chicken to make a nice yummy bacon and/or steak soup. Of course with the steak soup you'd need to a cup or two of ketchup.

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:19

Thirsty Girl: Dec 5, 2015

naem posted:

I did this to a bunny he was dead

no poo poo you boiled him

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:19

Thirsty Girl: Dec 5, 2015

ArbitraryC posted:

This is mostly right but if you want the chicken to be moist you'll want to debone the chicken once it's done then continue boiling the bones for a while, otherwise the white meat is gonna get all stringy. What i do is just cook the whole chicken as normal and eat that for dinner but save the carcass after deboning. Later pressure cook the carcass with your root veg/herb, sift it and pick out the meat, and from one chicken you get a roast dinner one night, a rich soup the next, and some nice leftover meat for sandwiches.

winner (pres. cook unecessary)

also what the gently caress Vitalis no onions??

love,
Vitalis

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:22

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

im gaye posted:

winner (pres. cook unecessary)

I know better broth is made with time but I find a pressure cooker makes this more viable as an after work dinner option. It's like a time machine for food.

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:34

dad gay. so what: Feb 18, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

if im going to waste that much time making food its sure as poo poo not going to be chicken loving soup. this must be a british thing or something :confused:

like you lack the basic resources to make something that isnt literally just a chicken boiled in a pot? with some noodles? not to mention the fact that the OP even managed to gently caress this simple process.

i have a chicken green chile recipe that takes 3 hours - delicious, semi-famous
i have a stuffed poblano recipe that people have murdered on my behalf for (alleged) takes about 3 hours

why would i spend all of this time on some shithole chicken soup unless all i had was a pot some water and a dead chicken? gently caress you.

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:40

raton: Jul 28, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

i liek soup

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:43

HATECUBE: Mar 2, 2007

the pho technique is:

dump beef bones into a huge pot and cover with water
slowly bring to boil
discard water

refill

slowly bring to a boil and reduce heat to just under boil
ball up: star anise, green cardamom, funugreek, cinnamon stick, clove, fennel + whatever else aromatic into a cheesecloth teabag and toss it in
let go for 6 hours, strain foam off the top peiodically
remove bones after marrow has liquefied
strain entire pot through cheesecloth twice

add stew beef, tripe, meatball, tendon to broth to serve
serve with a side of thin cut brisket, beansprouts, jalapeno, lime, siracha, chili oil, fresh basil

i make about 4 gallons at a time

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:44

raton: Jul 28, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:45

Heehee Hartlocks: Feb 9, 2012; Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

have you ever heard of soupdog

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:50

Thirsty Girl: Dec 5, 2015

Heehee Hartlocks posted:

have you ever heard of soupdog

how would you describe soupdog

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:53

Zeroisanumber: Oct 23, 2010; Nap Ghost

Frankly, I can't imagine how anyone fucks up soup. Outside of boxed dinner bullshit, it's the easiest food in the world to make.

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:56

Mariana Horchata: Jun 30, 2008; College Slice

Miso Horny

but tbh Tom Ka Gai is prob my fav Asian soup, i just havent had any in a while...should grab some this weekend, it is soup season afterall and there is a snowstorm in the forecast!

Mariana Horchata fucked around with this message at 07:00 on Jan 20, 2016

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:58

A Stupid Baby: Dec 31, 2002; lip up fatty

Methanar posted:

definitely what happened.

I don't have any potatoes, what else can I do?

beard clippings

# ? Jan 20, 2016 06:59

ArbitraryC: Jan 28, 2009; Pick a number, any number; Pillbug

dad gay. so what posted:

if im going to waste that much time making food its sure as poo poo not going to be chicken loving soup. this must be a british thing or something like you lack the basic resources to make something that isnt literally just a chicken boiled in a pot? with some noodles? not to mention the fact that the OP even managed to gently caress this simple process.

i have a chicken green chile recipe that takes 3 hours - delicious, semi-famous
i have a stuffed poblano recipe that people have murdered on my behalf for (alleged) takes about 3 hours

why would i spend all of this time on some shithole chicken soup unless all i had was a pot some water and a dead chicken? gently caress you.

It doesn't actually take much effort and that's half the point. If you do it my way using a leftover carcass from a roast or w/e all the prepwork was done as part of a previous dinner. You're already gonna debone it to store whatever meat was left after dinner so all you have to do is save the bones then cook them for a bit. Minimal effort and with a pressure cooker it doesn't take much time either. And I think if you haven't had it before you'd be genuinely surprised at how good a fresh stock like that is, good home made soup is some of the best stuff in the winter. I have a yearly tradition after thanksgiving of making stock from the bones and making some amazing split pea soup.

# ? Jan 20, 2016 07:04

HATECUBE: Mar 2, 2007

Mariana Horchata posted:

Miso Horny

but tbh Tom Ka Gai is prob my fav Asian soup, i just havent had any in a while...should grab some this weekend, it is soup season afterall and there is a snowstorm in the forecast!

do you use coconut cream or milk in that, ive tried with milk but i couldnt get that poo poo to stay milky white like the restaraunt versions

also what about lemongrass?

# ? Jan 20, 2016 07:06

dad gay. so what: Feb 18, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

ArbitraryC posted:

It doesn't actually take much effort and that's half the point. If you do it my way using a leftover carcass from a roast or w/e all the prepwork was done as part of a previous dinner. You're already gonna debone it to store whatever meat was left after dinner so all you have to do is save the bones then cook them for a bit. Minimal effort and with a pressure cooker it doesn't take much time either. And I think if you haven't had it before you'd be genuinely surprised at how good a fresh stock like that is, good home made soup is some of the best stuff in the winter. I have a yearly tradition after thanksgiving of making stock from the bones and making some amazing split pea soup.

i would just throw that worthless poo poo in the trash like the wild indians used to. im not eating some day old boney bird carcass thats loving disgusting.

# ? Jan 20, 2016 07:06

HATECUBE: Mar 2, 2007

dad gay. so what posted:

i would just throw that worthless poo poo in the trash like the wild indians used to. im not eating some day old boney bird carcass thats loving disgusting.

brid carcas is hard as gently caress to liquify, if you dont remove 100% of the skin it will cloud the soup up and make it taste like paper

# ? Jan 20, 2016 07:08

dad gay. so what: Feb 18, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

hmm lets go swimming in the ganges river while we are at it *floats down a slow moving tepid pool of ebola and AIDS on a corpse flotilla*

# ? Jan 20, 2016 07:09

dad gay. so what: Feb 18, 2003; by FactsAreUseless

Bacon Hat posted:

brid carcas is hard as gently caress to liquify, if you dont remove 100% of the skin it will cloud the soup up and make it taste like paper

lets just call it what it is -- a human corpse

# ? Jan 20, 2016 07:09

Mariana Horchata: Jun 30, 2008; College Slice

Bacon Hat posted:

do you use coconut cream or milk in that, ive tried with milk but i couldnt get that poo poo to stay milky white like the restaraunt versions

also what about lemongrass?

tbh i dont make my own but the last place i would always get it from definitely always had coconut cream and lemongrass (listed in the menu as such and probably why i first tried it as it just sounded great) which gave it that wonderful aroma...and always white too, almost like a clam chowder. prob why i havent had it so long as that palce is now closed and im afraid most other places would half rear end it because thats the way it is. i miss that old place, it was like one of the only take out place i would order at in person and then wait while sitting at the bar and rapping with the rich old Thai man that owned the place (i hope he's ok and not the reason why it closed :ohdear:

Mariana Horchata fucked around with this message at 07:14 on Jan 20, 2016

# ? Jan 20, 2016 07:11

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# ? Apr 24, 2024 08:10

satanic splash-back: Jan 28, 2009

1: put cucumber in jar
2. put dill (and other pickling things) in jar too
3. eat pickle
4. drink pickle soup

# ? Jan 20, 2016 07:12

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > General Bullshit > I just made soup and it's disgusting

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