MINUS. FIVE. STARS. The Worst Matches of All Time

The Something Awful Forums > Discussion > Sports Argument Stadium > The Hammer House: Stinger Splash Zone > MINUS. FIVE. STARS. The Worst Matches of All Time

Name Change: Oct 9, 2005

Jenny Angel posted:

Weren't a bunch of goons live watching this a few years ago and insisting it was really good? Is this an uncharacteristically bad match, or was it like an ironic thing

Goons were ironically liking NWA Mountain State for about a full year or so, and got one of their wrestlers to post on here.

The sheer cardio on display in that ring. Business is about to pick up.

# ¿ Jan 25, 2016 10:25

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# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 10:38

Name Change: Oct 9, 2005

OldTennisCourt posted:

Why was that Steiner/HHH match so garbage? Did Steiner just not want to work with WWE but they were really the only big game in town at that point so he just took the money?

IIRC both Steiner and HHH were injured, or at least wrestling like they were.

# ¿ Jan 25, 2016 19:59

Name Change: Oct 9, 2005

The_Master posted:

Undertaker and Kane wrestled Kronic back when the Invasion was still going on. I haven't seen it in over 10 years, but it was apparantly utter dogshit to the extent that I can still remember it now. I distinctly recall two things. First, one of Kronic taking the worst whip into the outside ring post I've ever loving seen, by slowly walking toward it and headbutting the air half a metre away from the post. And two, the Undertaker breaking character halfway through and throwing a huge tantrum, including audibly swearing, because of how poo poo Kronic were.

Kronic were never seen again.

This is a poo poo match but it's probably not even the worst Bikertaker match.

Also I assume Stevie Richards lasted nine loving years of being a jobber in that company because he was friends with somebody. I know that's how Funaki made it so long.

# ¿ Jan 26, 2016 01:51

Name Change: Oct 9, 2005

Benne posted:

Just to go into more detail here:

Villanos vs. Psycho Circus, AAA TripleMania 2015

--The Villanos are in their 60s at this point, one of which is a literal stroke victim. You knew this match was trouble the moment AAA booked it.

--It's everything you'd expect from a bunch of old dudes who can't move --slow brawling, slow punches, slow everything.

--The production values are a disaster. This was AAA's big attempt at breaking into the US market with an English-language PPV, but the audio constantly cuts out. You can't hear the crowd, can't hear the action in the ring, and can't even hear the announcers half the time.

--Speaking of the announcers, when Matt Striker does talk, you wish he'd cut out again. This match was him in Peak Striker form; during a horrible brawl with the slowest, most fake-looking punches you will ever see, Striker blurts out "THERE'S NO SLAPPING OF THE THIGHS HERE" as if we're supposed to believe it's real. Earlier, he tries to sell the audio problems as a positive, saying this is what makes live TV special instead of making your show look like loving amateur hour.

The whole thing is a tire fire and got the deserved MINUS FIVE STARS from Meltzer. It's the first time he handed out that rating since Bushwhackers/Volkoff/Sheik at Heroes of Wrestling.

As bad as Striker is, Hugo Savinovich is incredibly annoying and shrill too.

# ¿ Jan 26, 2016 09:34

Name Change: Oct 9, 2005

Gavok posted:

Yeah, back in the 2008 tournament they did this bit where the team Los Ice Creams didn't have a third partner so they kept picking names out of a hat. Names of people who obviously weren't going to be there (ie. "Ice Man" King Parson). After some "no shows," they mentioned Glacier, which seemed like a fakeout, but then he showed up after all in full armor. The crowd ate it up and it made sense that in the year after, there would be a Glacier-based team to follow on that.

See, there's one thing HulkaMatt is completely underselling. In 2009, Chikara went all out on King of Trios. They tend to bring in a handful of interesting names every year, but this time they went and brought in a kind of crazy roster. Bryan Danielson, Johnny Saint, Kota Ibushi, Austin Aries, Young Bucks, El Generico, Necro Butcher and so on. The core Chikara roster was really great at the time too and there were some entertaining semi-regulars in there like Da Soul Touchaz and the F1rst Family. They even had a young Simon Gotch mixed in there.

Having guys like Glacier and Al Snow show up with added D'Lo Brown sounded like a fun novelty, sure. The UnStable were the worst Chikara team involved, but they were all at least passable (especially Gerard, who was part of the company's best match in 2008). So why they decided to put two of the worst teams in the tournament against each other as the main event of a show overflowing with talent and give them nearly a half hour is beyond me outside of TV star power.

It really does all come down to Snow, though. D'Lo was okay and Glacier was Glacier, but they both looked like they wanted to be there. Snow sleepwalked through the whole thing and it was just sad. The part that sticks out the most is Snow doing a standing hot tag. He couldn't put forth the effort of crawling or anything. He just stood a foot away from his partners, wobbled around and then did the dramatic tag.

Surprisingly, he was never invited back.

This is somehow made better by Snow being a "Only other workers have the right to judge each others' ringwork! gently caress dirtsheetz!" guy.

# ¿ Jan 26, 2016 19:11

Name Change: Oct 9, 2005

OldTennisCourt posted:

Another match to consider would be the Hardcore Battle Royale at Mania 2000. The match itself is just dumb 24/7 Hardcore stuff. Nothing awful., the gimmick being whoever gets the final pin at the end of the time limit is the champ. What sets it apart is a botched finish, possibly one of the only major hosed up finishes in Mania history. Basically Hardcore pins Crash with seconds to go. What was meant to happen was time runs out JUST before the three count.

The problem is the crowd is counting down and it looks like the ref hosed up the count with that and hits three, giving the title to Hardcore and loving up the correct finish.

This is also the match where Hardcore calls Cole a little shithead in a post match interview, Cole mumbles a fearful response while JR calls Hardcore classless and apologizes.

Hell Mania 2000's also has a poo poo match with Al Snow (this is looking like a pattern) and a pretty poo poo main event as well.

Wrestlemania 16 outside of 1 or 2 matches tops is a very long episode of Raw. Wrestling was still so hot that it didn't really matter what they booked.

# ¿ Jan 26, 2016 19:18

Name Change: Oct 9, 2005

OldTennisCourt posted:

I was teetering on calling it a garbage Mania overall, but the Benoit/Jericho/Angle match is really good and the ladder match is spectacular.

People call 2000 the best year of WWF TV but I don't think it has poo poo on 2001. That's a whole other discussion though.

# ¿ Jan 26, 2016 19:22

Name Change: Oct 9, 2005

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=455JJ4CSjT8

To me this is in my top 5 Michael Cole moments because I hate him so much.

# ¿ Jan 26, 2016 21:20

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# ¿ Apr 29, 2024 10:38

Name Change: Oct 9, 2005

Well, obviously Snow either got injured or decided he was done busting his rear end.

# ¿ Feb 5, 2016 02:52

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