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ghlbtsk
Apr 19, 2005

these bath mats
are
GORGEOUS
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hzijGDUz5x4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iq1HCsasltw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3sKtBKqLVA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CW_fbGpIAZ4
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lWAFDrqYCXY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0z6bWcgrHDw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EsRN3W64bmg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pVz9CTHch_U
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rv5xsfQyezU
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=656A-17-Msw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ofHraTqrz4I
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dPWEHB2lb3Y
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjPUbJiqRiY

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SOME PIG
Aug 12, 2004

Hittin' Switches,
Twistin' wigs with
Phat Radical Mathematical type Scriptures
You can guess when this was written since he says he's been working at the same place since Jan 2001. I hope it was the World Trade Center

let it mellow
Jun 1, 2000

Dinosaur Gum

dad gay. so what posted:

sweet lovely death, just waiting for your breath. come sweet death one last caress... :allears:

I got something to say

VendaGoat
Nov 1, 2005

Borrowed Ladder
May 4, 2007

monarch of the sleeping marches
Better Nate than lever!

naem
May 29, 2011

Working in a sandwich shop for 15 years nice

Cowman
Feb 14, 2006

Beware the Cow





why should I read this wall of nonsense

ScrubLeague
Feb 11, 2007

Nap Ghost

vyst posted:

Lol you bitch no fuckin way I'm reading all that

Soup du Journey
Mar 20, 2006

by FactsAreUseless
yeah i remember reading this like 15 years ago back when i was a mere mortal lol my how the tides have turned

Gologle
Apr 15, 2013

The Gologle Posting Experience.

<3
Holy poo poo I'm an idiot, OP had me going until I realized it was SLICK GOKU BABY.

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


Well it seems some people are really enjoying this story, so I will continue it...

I really didn't know how to handle this new information, as it really completely blindsided me. (It didn't help that I called her girlfriend a dog.) Even through all of the gay men and the bookstore and everything, the idea that she was gay never entered my mind. The sheer shock of that kicked me over into autopilot, and I don't remember much of the following conversation. Somehow, we ended up making tentative plans to have dinner on Friday.

A few days later, while I was tooling around on the internet looking for some books, I got an instant message from someone not on my list (handle removed for privacy):

quote:
SSG: hello?
rox_midge: hello?
SSG: hey, i thought it was you?
rox_midge: me too?
SSG: haven't seen you around in a while
rox_midge: yeah
rox_midge: uhm, who is this precisely?
SSG: oh, it's (SSG), from (the shop).
rox_midge: oh hey
rox_midge: I've been kinda busy.
SSG: i need to talk to you about friday
rox_midge: What about Friday?
SSG: lizzie wants to come along.
rox_midge: to dinner?
SSG: yeah
So I'm thinking, what the gently caress, it's not like this dinner is actually going to be a date, anyway. I agree to let the lizard come along to dinner. A few minutes later I get another message:

quote:
lizzie: hey
lizzie: don't be messing around with my girl ;-)
rox_midge: er, ok
lizzie: it's lizzie
rox_midge: oh, hey
lizzie: see you friday I guess???
rox_midge: I guess so.
lizzie: she likes you :-)
rox_midge: (SSG)?
rox_midge: (SSG) likes me?
rox_midge: hello?
And as if it couldn't get any weirder, I get this message, which may or may not be related to anything at all:

quote:
someone: IF YOU loving TOUCH HER AGAIN I SWEAR I WILL COME OVER TO YOUR HOUSE AND RIP YOUR loving BALLS OUT AND FEED THEM TO YOU RAW
rox_midge: sorry?
someone: YOU'RE IN A WORLD OF HURT, YOU loving rear end in a top hat
rox_midge: what?
rox_midge: hello?
So anyway, Friday rolls around, and we go to the restaurant that SSG picked, which turns out to be an Olive Garden. I show up fashionably late since I made three wrong turns, and had to stop on the way to buy razors because I had forgotten to shave before I left. I guess I was about ten minutes late. When I walked in, SSG is standing in the foyer talking to the most drop-dead beautiful woman I have ever seen, who turns out to be Lizzie. I don't have a lot of time to process this bit of information as we are instantly whisked off to our table.

SSG excuses herself without even sitting down to go to the bathroom, so Lizzie and I are basically sitting at the table by ourselves. Lizzie explains that SSG hasn't been feeling well today. I thought she looked like crap, but I figured I was just taken with Lizzie and it was tainting my impression of SSG.

Through the rest of dinner SSG becomes more and more lethargic, until it's clear that she really is ill, and we really shouldn't be sitting in a resturaunt contemplating that she's ill. We decide to get the check early and relocate SSG to her bed so she can recover. I, being the chivlarous gent that I am, intend to pay the bill. We gather in the front of the store, and I reach into my pocket to grab my wallet...

...and I slice the loving poo poo out of the fingers on my left hand. I'd stuffed the cheap-rear end razor into my pocket, thinking I would sneak into the bathroom and shave. I had utterly forgotten they were in my pocket.

I pull the hand out of my pocket to survey the damage. I had one huge cut on my index finger that was as near to gushing as you can get with a vein, and numerous smaller-but-still-oozing cuts. Lizzie and SSG are off to the side in a half-embrace, so they don't see this, until I say 'holy poo poo' and they both turn to look at my hand.

SSG sees my hand and instantly vomits what she ate of her dinner all over Lizzie before fainting.

Continued, yet again...

Edit: formatting problems

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


SSG sees my hand and instantly vomits what she ate of her dinner all over Lizzie before fainting. By this time the guy who was expecting me to pull out my credit card has had time to realize that I'm bleeding all over the floor, and sends the entire resturaunt staff into full scramble mode. Within seconds I'm given a towel to bleed on, the floor has been wiped up, and someone has helped Lizzie get SSG onto a couch.

A few minutes later, an ambulance shows up; someone had called 911. A medic-type guy looks at my hand and determines that I need to keep pressure on it for a while, but that it won't need stitches since the cuts aren't that deep. They load SSG, who has still not regained consciousness, into the amublance, and Lizzie climbs in with her and they leave. I pay the bill, apologizing for all of the mess, while they insist that "this happens all the time".

Having completely miserably failed at impressing SSG, and probably permanently damaging any hope I ever had of getting on her beautiful girlfriend's good side, I drive home and go to sleep. When I wake up, I have an email from Lizzie:

quote:
From: lizzie@anony.mous
To: rox_midge@awdang.com
Subject: (no subject)
Date: 15 Dec 2001 2:36 AM

hey (rox), i just wanted to let you know that (SSG) is okay. she was dehydrated and she has a bad flu. they gave her some medicine and told her to stay in bed for the next week or so, but she's ok. she says you have to buy me lunch to make up for her puking all over me though, haha! well see you later!! ~liz~
Well, that pretty much sucks, because I had plans to be out of town from the end of the next week until after new year's, so basically I wasn't going to see SSG at the shop anymore. I convey this information to Lizzie over Yahoo:

quote:
rox_midge: so she's ok?
lizzie: yeah, she's eating soup right now :-)
rox_midge: that's a relief.
rox_midge: it sucks that she won't be in the shop though.
lizzie: how's your hand?
lizzie: why?
rox_midge: Oh, it's fine, I put some neosporin on it like they said.
rox_midge: Because I leave for vacation on Thursday :(
lizzie: she needs a little help
rox_midge: I know :( are you going to take care of her?
rox_midge: Lizzie?
rox_midge: Hello?
(Lizzie has a habit of not saying when she's left the computer.)

Anyway, because this story is going on way too long, and because it's not nearly as funny as the first half, I'll give a synopsis of what's happened since:

quote:
* while on vacation I got an email from SSG apologizing for vomiting and not being less ill (it made that much sense)
* scary threatening guy has randomly contacted me a few times again
* Lizzie has sent me a few emails indicating that she has not forgotten that I owe her lunch
* SSG covered a shift from someone in the old store
Acutally, that last item is kind of interesting because I didn't go there for lunch that day, but she noticed me coming back from where I'd been, and actually came outside the store to talk to me and asked me to stop by for coffee. Except, I forgot to go back and have coffee with her. I do believe that I've successfully transferred my crush from SSG to Lizzie.

Kind of an awkward place to end, but that's all that's happened so far.

Edit: formatting problems

SLICK GOKU BABY fucked around with this message at 08:23 on Jan 30, 2016

Hell Yeah
Dec 25, 2012

can't wait to see how hard this guy doesn't get laid.

gary oldmans diary
Sep 26, 2005
as if im not going to recollect the release dates of the 6th gen game consoles :rolleyes:

penus penus penus
Nov 9, 2014

by piss__donald
I read every word

Heath
Apr 30, 2008

🍂🎃🏞️💦
I didn't read anything past "sandwich shop girl" but is the joke that the OP is Charlie Day

Fried Watermelon
Dec 29, 2008


SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


Heath posted:

I didn't read anything past "sandwich shop girl" but is the joke that the OP is Charlie Day

Nope, the joke is Charlie Day is this guy in the story.

white mans burping
Feb 24, 2015
op i dont understand why youre calling her sandwich shop girl, can you please explain

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


white mans burping posted:

op i dont understand why youre calling her sandwich shop girl, can you please explain

Because she's a girl and she makes and sells sandwiches at a sandwich shop.

white mans burping
Feb 24, 2015
thats the stupidest reasoning i've ever heard


what are you loving retard or something

Jerry Mumphrey
Mar 11, 2004

by zen death robot

(and can't post for 4 years!)

Chinatown posted:

im not reading that op

suck my balls

suck all of our balls op

suck all of our balls

the fart question
Mar 21, 2007

College Slice
is there a joke somewhere in there? other than the whole thing as a concept

sluggo is mad
Jan 14, 2012

Buglord
i'm lazy, someone link the original

Booty Pageant
Apr 20, 2012
i too love to read philip k dick novels

sluggo is mad
Jan 14, 2012

Buglord
hey hey hey, don't blaspheme the dick

yoloer420
May 19, 2006
More please

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


yoloer420 posted:

More please

I will finish the story at approximately 7:30am flyover state time.

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


And now, the thrilling conclusion to this thrilling story...

Sunday afternoon Lizzie got on ICQ and basically said "You. Me. Food. Now." Not being one to argue with a beautiful person, I agreed and we went to a burger joint near her place. We got food and chatted, and I learned several interesting facts, such as: she's not a lesbian. She is, in fact, completely straight, and thinking about experimenting with SSG. SSG, for her part, is not a lesbian, but is rather bi.

Yeah, you're thinking OMG OMG HOT HOT 3-WAY SEXXOR SO HOT U'LL CUM UR PANTS!!!!1 but that's not what happened. Instead, Lizzie and I spent a few hours in the burger place talking to each other, and then we decided to rent a video and go back to her apartment. We watched the movie (Jerry Macguire) halfheartedly while cuddled on her couch, until we decided we were more interested in taking each other's clothes off than SHOWING HIM THE MONEY.

We flipped off the TV and went to her bedroom, which is actually just in the corner of the room since she has a studio. She insisted we turn off all of the lights and light candles, which prompted no argument whatsoever from me since I don't have the world's greatest body. We had agreed (earlier) that were we to hypothetically play around, there would be no hypothetical penetration, because hypothetically we both think that hypothetical sex on a hypothetical first date is bad. Hypothetically.

I'll omit the details of the encounter. Yes, I got head. No, I don't have pics. (No, I'm not likely to be able to get pics any time soon.)

After we were both done and satisfied, a towel was called for. I, really needing to pee, voulenteered to go get it. I stepped up from the bed and took (tried to take) a step toward the bathroom. However, her cat decided that this would be the perfect time to be friendly, and placed itself under my foot.

Having lived with a cat for years, I have mastered the bizarre contortions one must do in order to avoid stepping on a cat who is directly underneath your foot. Those who have performed similar contortions know that it involves twisting, leaning, and reaching out for something solid to grab on to. So I twisted, leaned, and reached out for a nearby shelf.

The shelf was not mounted firmly to the wall. The shelf was heavy. The shelf contained china.

Gravity took over and the shelf and its contents went down toward the cat, who screeched and bolted across the room. The shelf beat the china to the ground by microseconds and provided a firm surface upon which the china could shatter and spread itself across the floor.

I now faced a dilemma: if I put the foot that was in the air down, I would get cut on the shards of china. If I did not put the foot that was in the air down, I would fall over into the shards of china. Things being as they were, I put my foot down into the shards of china, which hurt.

My next move was made primarily out of despiration. I took a step backward, trying to extract myself from the blast radius of the china, but in doing so knocked over a table. By this time Lizzie has said the token "what the gently caress?" and has risen from the bed. She hasn't had time to get mad about all of her china being broken and is currently trying to see how bad the cat is hurt.

Then the pain registers, and I say "holy poo poo". I hobbled over to the bed and try to survey the damage by candlelight, as we hadn't bothered to turn on the light. It becomes easier to see in short order, though, because the room was progressively getting brighter. And what was that smell?

Continued...

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


Lizzie suddenly says "oh gently caress!" and jumps from the bed. I look up and there is a full-scale fire breaking out; the table I had tipped over had candles on it, which had rolled into a nearby curtain. The fire was spreading fast since it knows how to go upwards quickly, and it had already started to spread to the rest of the drapery.

I jump up too, momentairily forgetting about my foot. At about the same time the fire alarm goes off and stuns us both. Lizzie is trying to put the fire out with pillows, but is just fanning the flames. I pull her back and tell her to put clothes on and get out of the apartment. She grabs her cat and a blanket and leaves, stark naked.

I pull the curtains down and smother them with the non-burned parts, in the process probably breaking whatever they were attached to (at this point I'm just trying to put out the fire and avoid burning her apartment down, or any parts of my body I cared about). When I get the curtains put out, part of a chair is on fire, so I put it out, too.

I kind of stood there for a minute to make sure the fire was out, and I hear a voice which does not sound like Lizzie say "good job." I look up; it's an 80 year old woman standing next to her similarly aged husband. They are sillouetted in the doorway looking in to the apartment.

I am not wearing any clothes and am now looking back at them.

After a beat, the husband says something like "Come on, Emma, lets go," and pulls his wife away from the door.

I want to die, and my god I wish this story was over.

I blow out the candles and grab another blanket and go looking for Lizzie. She has gone all the way outside: down three flights of stairs and out the front door to her apartment complex. I walk outside and start to explain the situation, and she makes a run for me. I assume she wants to hug, so I'm thinking that all is forgiven.

But she runs past me, saying "wait, don't let it-" and tries to grab the door before it's shut. She's naked and doesn't have the key. I'm naked and I don't have the key. Her cat doesn't have the key either, but at least it had fur.

Continued...

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


The door shuts, and she slaps me, and starts yelling at me. About ten seconds later, the fire department comes by and opens the door. She continues to yell at me while we walk back up to her apartment. When we get there, she walks in, turns on the lights and picks up my clothes. She throws each article of clothing at me, losing more and more of her blanket each time. The clothing served as punctuation for the following sentence:

quote:
Lizzie came out of the closet to say:
DON'T. EVER. CALL. ME. AGAIN. YOU. loving. rear end in a top hat.
The last two were shoes, which she threw hard and which connected. Now that she's done throwing all of my clothes into the hallway, and has completely lost her blanket in the process, she walks into the doorway, says "give me my loving blanket," and yanks the blanket away from me.

She wraps the blanket around herself, glances at the three firefighters who are standing there amazed, says "go away," and slams her door.

The firefighters look at me. One says "girls," with a note of disbelief, while the others try not to obviously ogle me like I'm sure they ogled her. They leave, I put on my clothes and leave. I thought about knocking on her door, but judging from the way she threw the shoes I figured she needed some time to cool off.

SSG and I talked a little yesterday. SSG was pissed because she'd been trying to convince Lizzie to sleep with her and now it's not likely to happen. She hadn't yet talked to Lizzie, but agreed (after much negotiating on my part) to get an idea of how pissed Lizzie is. I haven't called Lizzie yet because I'm afraid she's filed a restraining order against me.

Anyway, that's why I should have waited to post the second chapter. I'm scared shitless of seeing Lizzie again even if she's not upset, since I seem to bleed every time we see each other. What's my next move?

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


And this my friends, has been a presentation of GBS classic.

Hell Yeah
Dec 25, 2012

i'm disappointed because he did end up having sex, but at least he was physically injured so i guess that makes up for some of it. is there a follow up post where the guy dies because that would own

Gologle
Apr 15, 2013

The Gologle Posting Experience.

<3
Write a conclusion where the guy dies and posted the story from purgatory.

a misanthrope
Jun 21, 2010

:burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug::burgerpug:
i read the op

Tony Homo
Oct 30, 2014

by zen death robot

Enfield posted:

gently caress you retard

white mans burping
Feb 24, 2015
this thread sucks


you suck op

white mans burping
Feb 24, 2015
go huff a bag of nails

ShaqDiesel
Mar 21, 2013
An autistic man searches for love and consistent sandwiches.

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8-Bit Scholar
Jan 23, 2016

by FactsAreUseless

ShaqDiesel posted:

An autistic man searches for love and consistent sandwiches.

Rename GBS to this

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