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a hole-y ghost
May 10, 2010

have a dog trained to eat big dicks, you'll be safe but intruders beware :mrgw:

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Michaellaneous
Oct 30, 2013

Dave Concepcion posted:

'yup bayby, the legends are all true, certified bad frogger, this probation right here - that's from a "piled high" back in 2014, see that ban? that's from when I went in with a "melt the cheese" with no regard for my own safety'

woah dude okay holy gently caress please dont kill me

Dave Concepcion
Mar 19, 2012

Applewhite posted:

String piano wire across your door so that when intruders try to step through they get sliced up like a hard-boiled egg. Only enter and exit your home through the basement crawlspace.

what if your home is the basement crawlspace?

a hole-y ghost
May 10, 2010

When the dog sees a big dick, he tries to eat it.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Sow your lawn with dragons' teeth and overnight an army of full grown warriors will spring up from the ground, armed d ready to defend your home.


Dave Concepcion posted:

what if your home is the basement crawlspace?

Keep a bucket of live scorpions at hand at all times. Rig it to tip over if someone enters while you're asleep or away.

Dave Concepcion
Mar 19, 2012
using mismatched windows and lowe's vinyl siding, construct a house so hideous no one will want to enter

RideTheSpiral
Sep 18, 2005
College Slice

Applewhite posted:

String piano wire across your door so that when intruders try to step through they get sliced up like a hard-boiled egg. Only enter and exit your home through the basement crawlspace.


lifehack: if you buy vitamin d pills you never need to leave the basement

a hole-y ghost
May 10, 2010

army of imposing looking statues which seemingly have hair but they're harvest man clusters

Pimpcasso
Mar 13, 2002

VOLS BITCH
live in a cardboard box in the woods and you home is safe except from stray dogs and other hobos

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Buy a few of the Super Aegis II automated sentry guns for your property. It's the same gun that guards the Korean DMZ. It can recognize a human silhouette and even issue commands to surrender.

Pimpcasso
Mar 13, 2002

VOLS BITCH
get one of those robot cops that they have in south africa

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Hire an AEGIS cruiser to be on standby 24/7. If you discover an intruder in your home, call in a Tomahawk missile strike on his location.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Become so fat that your blubber blocks all the doors and windows to your home. Install a hatch in the ceiling above your head so you can still receive food an animes. The hatch can only be opened from the inside and it's bulletproof.

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD
Instead of a house - live somewhere that doesn't exist.

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon
Lifehack: realize that material possessions only distract you from your Buddha nature, abandon house and anime's. Namaste.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Keep a Beholder in your foyer, OP.

FlimFlam Imam
Mar 1, 2007

Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams
You can fend off any enemy with poop on a stick.

Robo Reagan
Feb 12, 2012

by Fluffdaddy
tie a string to your front door and the string is also tied to the trigger of a loaded shotgun thats pointed at the door then only ever go through the back

this works for burglars as well as cops

EXTREME INSERTION
Jun 4, 2011

by LadyAmbien
Get a dog :3:

Sponge Baathist
Jan 30, 2010

by FactsAreUseless
https://youtu.be/WkjkWN_aPcM
Get a flamethrower

King of Bees
Dec 28, 2012
Gravy Boat 2k
Fill your house with bowls of candy corn, circus peanuts and butterscotch hard candy. Just have that poo poo everywhere.

Uxzuigal
Jan 16, 2013

Chill Berserker Dude
Star Wars kid sure has grown up, abit more serious weaponry as well... abit blunt however. Just like him.

Funky See Funky Do
Aug 20, 2013
STILL TRYING HARD
Windows are the weakest and easiest points of entry in any home. Remove them entirely for extra security.

Booblord Zagats
Oct 30, 2011


Pork Pro
Just invite Manlove to your house so the Atomic Energy Commission will warn the surrounding area of imminent meltdown and prevent people from coming to your house

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Live inside a porcupine. Ain't nobody gonna gently caress with one of them.

Thots and Prayers
Jul 13, 2006

A is the for the atrocious abominated acts that YOu committed. A is also for ass-i-nine, eight, seven, and six.

B, b, b - b is for your belligerent, bitchy, bottomless state of affairs, but why?

C is for the cantankerous condition of our character, you have no cut-out.
Grimey Drawer
The best defense is a good offense.

Tonight, once darkness falls, break into your neighbors house. Kill them and live there. Visit your possessions in your old house daily to ensure they are safe.

Thots and Prayers
Jul 13, 2006

A is the for the atrocious abominated acts that YOu committed. A is also for ass-i-nine, eight, seven, and six.

B, b, b - b is for your belligerent, bitchy, bottomless state of affairs, but why?

C is for the cantankerous condition of our character, you have no cut-out.
Grimey Drawer
Intruders are often looking for your drugs or money. In anticipation of this give all your drugs and money to me for safekeeping.

Colonel Cancer
Sep 26, 2015

Tune into the fireplace channel, you absolute buffoon

Applewhite posted:

Live inside a porcupine. Ain't nobody gonna gently caress with one of them.

Il porcupino nil sodomy est

Living inside a porcupine or hedgehog also has the dubious benefits of attracting autistic Sonic fans

RideTheSpiral
Sep 18, 2005
College Slice

Applewhite posted:

Live inside a porcupine. Ain't nobody gonna gently caress with one of them.


very carefully

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Vibrate your entire house on a different dimensional frequency than the rest of the world. It will become intangible to the inhabitants of this plane. You will still have to worry about home invasions from Gibbering Horrors, though.

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Draw the sign of Sekth above your door. Sekth is the patron deity of thieves and plunderers. They will not violate a space under his protection.

satanic splash-back
Jan 28, 2009

Summon an ancient horror to guard your doorways, but make sure you lay a circle of salt around your bed and workspace first

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Get one of those statues with the laser eye from Legend of Zelda.

Ziptar
Aug 13, 2015

JB50 posted:

Zazi posted:

Goons should ensure that their guns and ammunition are kept in a safe container* at all times.

*The container must be of a rigid structure, made of either solid steel or solid timber;
  • Rigid structure refers to the strength of the container and the use of reasonable force to the sides or top of the container should not result in deflections of the panel or the container
  • The term solid, requires that the container panels are continuous (eg without venting/holes or perforation)
  • The container must be either steel (aluminium/alloys are not compliant) or solid timber. Species of timber or structural and marine ply are compliant. Chipboard, particle board, MDF and plaster board are not compliant.
  • If the container used for storing these firearms weighs less than 150kg, it must be securely fixed to the frame or floor of a permanent building;
  • The container must have a sturdy combination lock, keyed lock or keyed padlock;
  • The container must be locked other than for the time to remove/replace firearms; and
  • Firearms must be unloaded and the bolt must be removed or action broken for storage. The bolt is a major component part and is subject to same storage requirements as the firearm and can be stored with the firearm.

Ammunition must be stored in a secure container or secured area that is separate from the container that holds the firearms; for example a gun safe with an internal secured area for the ammunition
Haha Australia amiright goons!

Wrong! Massachusetts...

a shiny rock
Nov 13, 2009

Booblord Zagats posted:

Just invite Manlove to your house so the Atomic Energy Commission will warn the surrounding area of imminent meltdown and prevent people from coming to your house

a shiny rock
Nov 13, 2009

fly an american flag in front of your home. that way intruders will know you are a true patriot and move on to the next house. you will be safe from everyone except terrorists and hippies

Applewhite
Aug 16, 2014

by vyelkin
Nap Ghost
Fly a no-poo poo Nazi flag from your house. Everyone will hate you, but most people probably won't gently caress with you.

ClamdestineBoyster
Aug 15, 2015
Probation
Can't post for 10 years!
Get a latex suit and smear the outside with poop. Give the intruder a big stinky hug. :nexus:

Germstore
Oct 17, 2012

A Serious Candidate For a Serious Time

ClamdestineBoyster posted:

Get a latex suit and smear the outside with poop. Give the intruder a big stinky hug. :nexus:

Strange. That's what I do to guests.

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FlimFlam Imam
Mar 1, 2007

Standing on a hill in my mountain of dreams
Close all the curtains and wrap yourself in a nice comfy blankey.

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