Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Locked thread
DONALDTRUMPPENIS
Mar 5, 2016

by Cowcaster
One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.
The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.

Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.

"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"

"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.

"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"

Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"

"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"

"Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.

"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"

So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.

Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.

"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"

The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog's back.

"Welcome to the Republican party."

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Concerned Citizen
Jul 22, 2007
Ramrod XTreme
good twist op, solid thread. i chuckled heartily

DONALDTRUMPPENIS
Mar 5, 2016

by Cowcaster
A man went to a hotel and walked up to the front desk to check in. The woman at the desk gave him his key and told him that on the way to his room, there was a door with no number that was locked and no one was allowed in there. She explained that it was a storeroom, and that it was out of bounds. She reminded him of this several times before allowing him upstairs. So he followed the instructions of the woman at the front desk, going straight to his room, and going to bed.

However, the insistence of the woman had piqued his curiosity, so the next night he walked down the hall to the door and tried the handle. Sure enough it was locked. He bent down and looked through the wide keyhole. Cold air passed through it, chilling his eye. What he saw was a hotel bedroom, like his, and in the corner was a woman whose skin was incredibly pale. She was leaning her head against the wall, facing away from the door. He stared in confusion for a while. Was this a celebrity? The owner's daughter? He almost knocked on the door, out of curiosity but decided not to.

As he was still looking, the woman turned sharply and he jumped back from the door, hoping she would not suspect he had been spying on her. He crept away from the door and walked back to his room. The next day, he returned to the door and looked through the wide keyhole. This time, all he saw was redness. He couldn't make anything out besides a distinct red color, unmoving. Perhaps the inhabitants of the room knew he was spying the night before, and had blocked the keyhole with something red. He felt embarrassed that he had made the woman so uncomfortable, and hoped she had not made a complaint with the woman on the front desk.

At this point he decided to consult her for more information. She sighed and said, "Did you look through the keyhole?"

The man told her that he had and she leaned back, smirked, chuckled softly and said, "Welcome to the Republican party."

coolskull
Nov 11, 2007

take over the world while i'm on my donald trump poo poo.
look at this penis, ain't that some poo poo???

Snooze Cruise
Feb 16, 2013

hey look,
a post
going to post these to my facebook and lie and say i am the funny person to come up with this

DONALDTRUMPPENIS
Mar 5, 2016

by Cowcaster
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."



The father pulls out a watermelon and shoves it in the daughters vagina. The daughter screams in pain from the giant fruit. Then the son takes off his shirt revealing a pink bra and starts fingering himself in the rear end in a top hat. The mother takes off all of her clothes and starts to finger herself while the father feeds her x-lax pills. The father grabs the daughter and shoves her face right in the mothers butt hole that at that moment exploded with diarrhea all over her face and it filled up her mouth. The the daughter turned to the son and spat the diarrhea all over him. Then the father reaches in the girls vagina and pulls out the now stinky, cum covered watermelon and starts to hump it while the mother begins to shoot her explosive diarrhea in his direction. Then the son begins to rub his cock and cums all over the daughter. Then the father stops humping the watermelon and cums all over her. They continue to cum on her while the mother fills up a plastic kiddie pool with her crap and piss. They all jump in the human excrement and start to gently caress each other. Now the pool is filled with cum and poo poo and piss. They jump out of the pool covered in cum and poo poo and piss and say "tada!".

For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, "That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?"

The father slowly leans back, smirks, and with a light chuckle says, "Welcome to the Republican party."

Microwaves Mom
Nov 8, 2015

by zen death robot
TRUMP!

DONALDTRUMPPENIS
Mar 5, 2016

by Cowcaster
A Fox one day spied a beautiful bunch of ripe grapes hanging from a vine trained along the branches of a tree. The grapes seemed ready to burst with juice, and the Fox's mouth watered as he gazed longingly at them.

The bunch hung from a high branch, and the Fox had to jump for it. The first time he jumped he missed it by a long way. So he walked off a short distance and took a running leap at it, only to fall short once more. Again and again he tried, but in vain.

Now he sat down and looked at the grapes in disgust.

"What a fool I am," he said. "TRUMP!!!!!"

And off he walked very, very scornfully.

Microwaves Mom
Nov 8, 2015

by zen death robot
That doens't happen. We make a yooge wall and take the grapes with it.

coolskull
Nov 11, 2007

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.

The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.

Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his 
journey.

The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.

Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?” The older monk looked at him and replied, “For twelve years, you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is John Galt speaking. I am the man who loves his life. I am the man who does not sacrifice his love or his values. I am the man who has deprived you of victims and thus has destroyed your world, and if you wish to know why you are perishing-you who dread knowledge -I am the man who will now tell you."

bird with big dick
Oct 21, 2015

Donald Drumpf molested me when I was a child.

Concerned Citizen
Jul 22, 2007
Ramrod XTreme
For twelve years, you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is John Galt speaking. I am the man who loves his life. I am the man who does not sacrifice his love or his values. I am the man who has deprived you of victims and thus has destroyed your world, and if you wish to know why you are perishing-you who dread knowledge -I am the man who will now tell you.”

The chief engineer was the only one able to move; he ran to a television set and struggled frantically with its dials. But the screen remained empty; the speaker had not chosen to be seen. Only his voice filled the airways of the country-of the world, thought the chief engineer-sounding as if he were speaking here, in this room, not to a group, but to one man; it was not the tone of addressing a meeting, but the tone of addressing a mind.

“You have heard it said that this is an age of moral crisis. You have said it yourself, half in fear, half in hope that the words had no meaning. You have cried that man’s sins are destroying the world and you have cursed human nature for its unwillingness to practice the virtues you demanded. Since virtue, to you, consists of sacrifice, you have demanded more sacrifices at every successive disaster. In the name of a return to morality, you have sacrificed all those evils which you held as the cause of your plight. You have sacrificed justice to mercy. You have sacrificed independence to unity. You have sacrificed reason to faith. You have sacrificed wealth to need. You have sacrificed self-esteem to self-denial. You have sacrificed happiness to duty.

“You have destroyed all that which you held to be evil and achieved all that which you held to be good. Why, then, do you shrink in horror from the sight of the world around you? That world is not the product of your sins, it is the product and the image of your virtues. It is your moral ideal brought into reality in its full and final perfection. You have fought for it, you have dreamed of it, and you have wished it, and I-I am the man who has granted you your wish.

“Your ideal had an implacable enemy, which your code of morality was designed to destroy. I have withdrawn that enemy. I have taken it out of your way and out of your reach. I have removed the source of all those evils you were sacrificing one by one. I have ended your battle. I have stopped your motor. I have deprived your world of man’s mind.

“Men do not live by the mind, you say? I have withdrawn those who do. The mind is impotent, you say? I have withdrawn those whose mind isn’t. There are values higher than the mind, you say? I have withdrawn those for whom there aren’t.

“While you were dragging to your sacrificial altars the men of justice, of independence, of reason, of wealth, of self-esteem-I beat you to it, I reached them first. I told them the nature of the game you were playing and the nature of that moral code of yours, which they had been too innocently generous to grasp. I showed them the way to live by another morality-mine. It is mine that they chose to follow.

“All the men who have vanished, the men you hated, yet dreaded to lose, it is I who have taken them away from you. Do not attempt to find us. We do not choose to be found. Do not cry that it is our duty to serve you. We do not recognize such duty. Do not cry that you need us. We do not consider need a claim. Do not cry that you own us. You don’t. Do not beg us to return. We are on strike, we, the men of the mind.

“We are on strike against self-immolation. We are on strike against the creed of unearned rewards and unrewarded duties. We are on strike against the dogma that the pursuit of one’s happiness is evil. We are on strike against the doctrine that life is guilt.

"Welcome to the Republican Party."

DONALDTRUMPPENIS
Mar 5, 2016

by Cowcaster
bump.

SirEvelynTremble
Dec 25, 2013

FUCK YOU HITLER
STALINGRAD
ROFLMFAO
Well this is a whole barrel of tl:dr

Jim Barris
Aug 13, 2009
There is this movie Drive that features that parable. I liked how when they stab each other to death you see it via their silhouettes and it sort of is reminiscent of a scorpions sting. drat, that was a good movie.

Professor Shark
May 22, 2012

Mr.Tophat
Apr 7, 2007

You clearly don't understand joke development :justpost:

LOVE LOVE SKELETON posted:

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a very young and beautiful woman also attempting to cross. The young woman asked if they could help her cross to the other side.

The two monks glanced at one another because they had taken vows not to touch a woman.

Then, without a word, the older monk picked up the woman, carried her across the river, placed her gently on the other side, and carried on his 
journey.

The younger monk couldn’t believe what had just happened. After rejoining his companion, he was speechless, and an hour passed without a word between them.

Two more hours passed, then three, finally the younger monk could contain himself any longer, and blurted out “As monks, we are not permitted a woman, how could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?” The older monk looked at him and replied, “For twelve years, you have been asking: Who is John Galt? This is John Galt speaking. I am the man who loves his life. I am the man who does not sacrifice his love or his values. I am the man who has deprived you of victims and thus has destroyed your world, and if you wish to know why you are perishing-you who dread knowledge -I am the man who will now tell you."

:golfclap:

crabcakes66
May 24, 2012

by exmarx

Rutibex
Sep 9, 2001

by Fluffdaddy
when this story was on Star Trek Voyager is was a wolf not a frog

Microwaves Mom
Nov 8, 2015

by zen death robot

Man if we didn't know what movie this was you could almost think he was jerking off.

Shaquin
May 12, 2007

Microwaves Mom posted:

Man if we didn't know what movie this was you could almost think he was jerking off.

im still thinking that anyway

Microwaves Mom
Nov 8, 2015

by zen death robot

Shaquin posted:

im still thinking that anyway

I don't like your new av

Luvcow
Jul 1, 2007

One day nearer spring

why are you spamming threads again gagelion?

Commie NedFlanders
Mar 8, 2014

i get it, it's like trickle down economics


:laugh:

stay safe neoliberal ghost

Luvcow
Jul 1, 2007

One day nearer spring

Commie NedFlanders posted:

i get it, it's like trickle down economics


:laugh:

stay safe neoliberal ghost

and why doe keep posting about "neoliberals" all the time?

Commie NedFlanders
Mar 8, 2014

Luvcow posted:

and why doe keep posting about "neoliberals" all the time?

i am a candle in the darkness of the eternal midnight in the Desert of the Real

Luvcow
Jul 1, 2007

One day nearer spring

Commie NedFlanders posted:

i am a candle in the darkness of the eternal midnight in the Desert of the Real

you seem like an angry christian who hates anyone who doesn't believe exactly as you do

Commie NedFlanders
Mar 8, 2014

Luvcow posted:

you seem like an angry christian who hates anyone who doesn't believe exactly as you do

i am a christian who posts on something awful dot com and a communist who lives in hyper conservative rural Texas


if people disagreeing with me made me angry, I'd be hulking out every darn day

Zorodius
Feb 11, 2007

EA GAMES' MASTERPIECE 'MADDEN 2018 G.O.A.T. EDITION' IS A GLORIOUS TRIUMPH OF ART AND TECHNOLOGY. IT BRINGS GAMEDAY RIGHT TO THE PLAYER AND WHOEVER SAYS OTHERWISE CAN, YOU GUESSED IT...
SUCK THE SHIT STRAIGHT OUT OF MY OWN ASSHOLE.

BUY IT.

Rutibex posted:

when this story was on Star Trek Voyager is was a wolf not a frog

his name is Worf

BigBoss
Jan 26, 2012

by Lowtax
A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting." It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you did that?" The Marine calmly replied, "Welcome to the Republican party, bitch."

nomadologique
Mar 9, 2011

DUNK A DILL PICKLE REALDO

Nameless_Steve
Oct 18, 2010

"There are fair questions about shooting non-lethally at retreating civilian combatants."
Hello, little man. Boy, I sure heard a bunch about you. See, I was a good friend of your dad's– we were in that Hanoi pit of hell together for over five years. Hopefully, you'll never have to experience this yourself, but when two men are in a situation like me and your dad were, for as long as we were, you take on certain responsibilities of the other. If it had been me who had not made it, Major Coolidge would be talking right now to my son, Jim. But the way it turned out is I'm talking to you, Butch.
I got something for ya...This watch I got here was first purchased by your great-grandfather during the First World War. It was bought in a little general store in Knoxville, Tennessee, made by the first company to ever make wrist watches. Up until then, people just carried pocket watches. It was bought by Private Doughboy Ryan Coolidge the day he set sail for Paris. This was your great-grandfather's war watch, and he wore it every day he was in the war. Then when he had done his duty, he went home to your great-grandmother, took the watch off and put it in an old coffee can. And in that can it stayed 'til your granddad Dane Coolidge was called upon by his country to go overseas and fight the Germans once again. This time they called it World War Two. Your great-grandfather gave this watch to your granddad for good luck. Unfortunately, Dane's luck wasn't as good as his old man's. Dane was a Marine and he was killed along with all the other Marines at the battle of Wake Island. Your granddad was facing death, and he knew it. None of those boys had any illusions about ever leaving that island alive. So three days before the Japanese took the island, your granddad asked a gunner on an Air Force transport named Winocki, a man he had never met before in his life, to deliver to his infant son, who he had never seen in the flesh, his gold watch. Three days later, your granddad was dead. But Winocki kept his word.
After the war was over, he paid a visit to your grandmother, delivering to your infant father, his Dad's gold watch. This watch. This watch was on your Daddy's wrist when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a Vietnamese prison camp. He knew if the gooks ever saw the watch that it'd be confiscated; taken away. The way your Dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes were gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something. His rear end. Five long years, he wore this watch up his rear end. And then he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch.
I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my rear end for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family.
And now, little man, I give the watch to you. Welcome to the Republican Party.

Nameless_Steve fucked around with this message at 17:46 on Mar 5, 2016

Commie NedFlanders
Mar 8, 2014

BigBoss posted:

A Marine was attending a college course between missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. The professor, an avowed atheist, shocked the class one day when he walked in, looked toward the ceiling, and said loudly, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."
The lecture room fell silent and the professor began his lecture. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God - still waiting." It got down to the last minute when the Marine stood up, walked toward the professor and threw his best punch knocking him off the platform and out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat down. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you did that?" The Marine calmly replied, "Welcome to the Republican party, bitch."

bahaha

Cheap Vodka
Nov 4, 2008

COMPLETE. GLOBAL. CALIBRATION.

Jim Barris posted:

There is this movie Drive that features that parable. I liked how when they stab each other to death you see it via their silhouettes and it sort of is reminiscent of a scorpions sting. drat, that was a good movie.

I like the part where driveman stares into the distance like an autist instead of talking to girls. Very relatable imo.

Commie NedFlanders
Mar 8, 2014

they called newton an autist who didn't talk to girls enough

Commie NedFlanders
Mar 8, 2014

dude invented the fig

nomadologique
Mar 9, 2011

DUNK A DILL PICKLE REALDO
an autist who poisoned himself by eating lead

nomadologique
Mar 9, 2011

DUNK A DILL PICKLE REALDO

quote:

Although it was claimed that he was once engaged,[91] Newton never married. The French writer and philosopher Voltaire, who was in London at the time of Newton's funeral, said that he "was never sensible to any passion, was not subject to the common frailties of mankind, nor had any commerce with women—a circumstance which was assured me by the physician and surgeon who attended him in his last moments".[92]

In September of that year, Newton had a breakdown which included sending wild accusatory letters to his friends Samuel Pepys and John Locke. His note to the latter included the charge that Locke "endeavoured to embroil me with woemen".[99]

lol

coolskull
Nov 11, 2007

Commie NedFlanders posted:

dude invented the fig

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

BigBoss
Jan 26, 2012

by Lowtax

"nor had any commerce with women—a circumstance which was assured me by the physician and surgeon who attended him in his last moments"

Did they feel his dick as he lay there dying? "Yup, still dry. Never had commerce with women."

  • Locked thread