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So there's this one parable where Jesus tells the story of a vineyard owner who needed his harvest brought in, so at sunrise he went out and hired some workers, promising them 1 shekel each for the day's labor. At noon, the harvest wasn't coming in fast enough so the vineyard owner went out again and hired some more workers, again promising them 1 shekel each for the day's labor. Finally, at sunset, the owner decided he needed yet more help, and went out and hired more laborers at the rate of 1 shekel each. When the harvest was in and everyone lined up to get paid, the workers who had been there since sunrise complained that the workers hired at noon and sunset were getting paid the same amount, even though they'd only been working a few hours and the workers hired at sunrise had been there the whole day. To which the vineyard owner replied that he was paying what they'd agreed and it was his money and his farm to do with as he pleases. Now, I'd always interpreted the parable to be about the free market and how you should be grateful to job creators for even employing you at all, but it occurred to me in the shower the other day that the vineyard owner represents God and the shekels represent passage into the Kingdom of Heaven. Basically the parable is saying that whether you are born into Christianity or convert to it later in life, you are all equal in the eyes of God and will receive your reward as long as you do the work you agreed to do when you signed up. It was probably meant as a criticism of the Christians who complained that all these new converts shouldn't get as much heaven as the ones who'd been there since the beginning. The joke is on them though since heaven isn't real and Jesus was just a man 
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Apr 14, 2016 15:59
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Apr 14, 2016 16:01
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i like the episode where jesus is dating a black girl and he gets a spray tan before meeting her family but its too dark and it looks like he's in blackface lmao
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Apr 14, 2016 16:07
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Recent research suggests that Jesus wasn't even a man but a myth from Roman plutocrats to placate the poor
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Apr 14, 2016 16:10
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Doctor J Off posted:Recent research suggests that Jesus wasn't even a man but a myth from Roman plutocrats to placate the poor I find that highly dubious. Whatever one's personal opinion about Christ's divinity, I'm fairly certain there was, in fact, a historical figure corresponding to the Biblical Jesus.
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Apr 14, 2016 16:13
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the parable is that only the guys who said "gently caress off for a shekel a day cocksucker" are the ones who get into heaven
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Apr 14, 2016 16:14
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Pretty sure he's talking about getting wasted on wine with a pack of sluts.
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Apr 14, 2016 16:16
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how do you tithe one tenth of a shekel
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Apr 14, 2016 16:16
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nomadologique posted:the parable is that only the guys who said "gently caress off for a shekel a day cocksucker" are the ones who get into heaven Remember that you have to account for inflation. A 30AD shekel is work $150 in 2016 USD.
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Apr 14, 2016 16:17
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only the mentally ill man who sits around th epublc square w his thumb in his rear end chatting w the women and children when they come for a jug of water will get into heaven (also the women and children)
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Apr 14, 2016 16:19
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Fishy Joe posted:how do you tithe one tenth of a shekel round up to the nearest shekel.
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Apr 14, 2016 16:20
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Applewhite posted:Remember that you have to account for inflation. A 30AD shekel is work $150 in 2016 USD. Never accept shekels as payment. It is cursed Jew money. It always returns to the owner's pocket, no matter what.
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Apr 14, 2016 16:20
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basically if you're a business and military age man who spends more time thinking about the material world than the state of your soul, you're doomed if you judge your neighbors, or believe yourself secure, you're doomed if you believe the words of some prophet were made just for you, you're doomed if you think you "get the parable," oh boy, you're so doomed
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Apr 14, 2016 16:21
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-13000 posts A life well spent.
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Apr 14, 2016 16:24
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tenspott posted:Never accept shekels as payment. It is cursed Jew money. It always returns to the owner's pocket, no matter what. Then how do the owners get the shekels in the first place?
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Apr 14, 2016 16:33
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quote:The joke is on them though since heaven isn't real and Jesus was just a man Heaven is real and it's in my pants who wants to atone?
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Apr 14, 2016 16:33
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It means Jesus was a liberal piece of poo poo as far as his economic policies go.
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Apr 14, 2016 16:35
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Both the parable of the vineyard and the parable of the prodigal son feature a a higher power selecting certain individuals to be rewarded despite not having worked as much as others, and the people that feel slighted being totally wrong because gently caress you the higher power said so. Coincidentally, Jesus told these parables while trying to convince people that even though he had spent his life up until that point as a carpenter he should actually be considered a king, because god said so.
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Apr 14, 2016 16:38
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the parable of the prodigal son is probably the trickiest of all the parables, and should not be treated lightly, or without a radiation suit
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Apr 14, 2016 16:40
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the multiple inversions present within the prodigal son as it unfolds are like a labyrinth to navigate
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Apr 14, 2016 16:40
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Getting into heaven as a christian is such bs. It's like the dmv, why did you idiots make this simple process hard and filled with a billion rules. My soul is gonna be weighed with a feather when I die. If it is lighter than or equal to the feather I get in. Failing means utter dissolution but I've been assured the feather is rigged and you have to be a real rear end in a top hat to get forever-nuked.
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Apr 14, 2016 16:41
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TEAH SYAG posted:It means Jesus was a liberal piece of poo poo as far as his economic policies go. Jesus Christ, soft on crime. Would you vote for this man?
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Apr 14, 2016 16:41
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soooooo a life of sin followed by deathbed repentance and conversion? woooooo partyyyyy
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Apr 14, 2016 16:41
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Nathilus posted:Getting into heaven as a christian is such bs. It's like the dmv, why did you idiots make this simple process hard and filled with a billion rules. Considering sin is a concept and concepts have no weight, I'd say it's probably pretty easy for them to be outweighed by a feather
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Apr 14, 2016 16:42
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Applewhite posted:Then how do the owners get the shekels in the first place? They're on credit with a pound of flesh as collateral iirc
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Apr 14, 2016 17:03
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The vineyard owner should have just sucked their dicks.
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Apr 14, 2016 17:09
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Moon Atari posted:Both the parable of the vineyard and the parable of the prodigal son feature a Ummm actually they got "rewarded" only after confessing that they led a sinful life .
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Apr 14, 2016 17:09
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consider this, there is no such thing as an aristotelian prime mover God that is not gay, because in God are all concepts, including "gay" lol
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Apr 14, 2016 17:10
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that one where jesus witnesses a hit and run and goes to confront the perpetrator but doesn't do poo poo cause it turns out its a hot lady gahaha
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Apr 14, 2016 17:13
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Monkey Fracas posted:soooooo a life of sin followed by deathbed repentance and conversion? Nah you might stroke out or catch a bullet. It's like doing your taxes, you're better off accepting Jesus once early on. back in middle school is when I let Jesus get it in so I'm good no matter what I do, this isn't Catholicism lol Toadvine fucked around with this message at 17:17 on Apr 14, 2016 |
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Apr 14, 2016 17:14
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Jerry Mumphrey posted:that one where jesus witnesses a hit and run and goes to confront the perpetrator but doesn't do poo poo cause it turns out its a hot lady gahaha that was you tho? you told me a couple days after it happened, i asked if you got her number and you said you thought so but it turned out to be a fake number
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Apr 14, 2016 17:15
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nomadologique posted:that was you tho? you told me a couple days after it happened, i asked if you got her number and you said you thought so but it turned out to be a fake number i only did it b/c i saw it in the bible
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Apr 14, 2016 17:16
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i like the secret part of the bible where jesus realizes how much fun sin is and then fucks off to vegas
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Apr 14, 2016 17:18
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PEPSI for TV-GAME
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Imagine me nodding a lot at the whole post OP because you are correct
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Apr 14, 2016 17:22
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If I worked for that guy I'd tell him to shekel my drat balls
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Apr 14, 2016 18:31
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okay okay so what if hitler repented at the end, you'd be okay with that welcome to the liberal party 
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Apr 14, 2016 18:37
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Jerry Mumphrey posted:i like the episode where jesus is dating a black girl and he gets a spray tan before meeting her family but its too dark and it looks like he's in blackface lmao that was an awesome episode of Jesus: The Animated Series, season 6
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Apr 14, 2016 19:23
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if Jesus was so great how come nobody remembers him?
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Apr 14, 2016 19:26
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They should've robbed him. A bag of shekels probably makes a hell of a noise. Plus, ever see old coins in a museum? They're all nonuniform and jagged, like, you could rob somebody with a piece of money. Who cares, though? The parable is a red herring. Jesus probably didn't even know what money was because people in the mideast had to wait for Antiochus to come down there and start printing his face on everything.
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Apr 14, 2016 19:30
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phasmid posted:They should've robbed him. A bag of shekels probably makes a hell of a noise. Plus, ever see old coins in a museum? They're all nonuniform and jagged, like, you could rob somebody with a piece of money. He definitely knew what money was because he kicked all the money changers out of the temple.
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Apr 14, 2016 19:31
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