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for years i've been hiding my true identity from my parents. there've been some close calls - one time my mom came into the kitchen while i was boiling some water for pasta with my heat vision, and she was like, how is this water boiling, the burner isn't even on? and i was like jeez mom, that's seltzer water, a migrant worker blows in the bubbles with a straw at the sewage treatment plant. i think she bought it, but that was a close one another time my uncle caught me using my super strength to rip the yellow pages in half, because i mean lol, the yellow pages?! it should be the yellow page and all it has is the F section for funeral homes cuz if you use the yellow pages you must be 105 years old lmbo! anyway i played it off by telling him my years of carefully studying the martial arts techniques elucidated in "dragonballz" have finally paid off and anime is too a valid lifestyle choice. bazinga! so my parents got the wrong impression when they walked in on me using my super dick sucking powers to suck dicks, they thought i was gay or something, i mean what?!?! just cuz owl man spins his head around and throws up pellets of bones and hair doesn't mean he's possessed by that demon from the exorcist or w/e!!! i guess "normals" just can't understand what it's like to be an indigo child. anyway i cleared it up real fast cuz i spat that dick out on the floor - ptooie! - and was all like, boy my jaw's a little sore, maybe i'll get a massage later from my girlfriend glad i got that "straightened out"!!! ahaha lmbo
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Apr 18, 2016 22:54
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Probably by poorly hiding my internet searches for naked women.
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Apr 18, 2016 22:56
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one trick is to leave a copy of sports illustrated's "swimsuit issue" in the bathroom and maybe stick the pages together with a little whiteout or mayonnaise
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Apr 18, 2016 22:57
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I asked them to look into the depths of my gaping rear end in a top hat to find the truth
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Apr 18, 2016 22:57
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my dad's a lil intimidating so I had my boyfriend tell him
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Apr 18, 2016 23:04
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i shared this thread on fb
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Apr 18, 2016 23:08
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we were walking around downtown and i saw this real buff dude, real nice pecs, and i was like mom, i'm using my X-ray vision to check out this guy's junk right now, and I am not aroused in the slightest!
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Apr 18, 2016 23:10
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Got married to a woman and invited them, op
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Apr 18, 2016 23:12
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i showed them my boobs
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Apr 18, 2016 23:15
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Apollodorus posted:Got married to a woman and invited them, op you got married!!! ahaha out of the frying pan and into the fire my friend! but seriously the ol' "ball and chain" is really no problem for a man with super calves
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Apr 18, 2016 23:16
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Mom caught me jacking it to grandads old playboys
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Apr 18, 2016 23:16
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I started loving fat chicks and took the sticker off my car
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Apr 18, 2016 23:17
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Dang, should of read the op. I summoned a skeleton to hold the playboy. Boy was my face red
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Apr 18, 2016 23:18
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amityville anus posted:I started loving fat chicks and took the sticker off my car Holy lol
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Apr 18, 2016 23:20
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I explained that it's actually impossible for me to be gay because of my super hermaphroditism
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Apr 18, 2016 23:24
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ChrisHansen posted:Dang, should of read the op. I summoned a skeleton to hold the playboy. I like to do a little magic ritual of my own before masturbating that summons a mysterious entity known only as the stranger
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Apr 18, 2016 23:25
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my whole family is gay, they all mock me for not wanting it in the rear end  christmas is awful
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Apr 18, 2016 23:27
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me and the atomic blowfish (lil advice, don't gently caress with him, he puffs up real big and long term exposure to his spines increases your risk of colon cancer by more than 20%), well, we put on our muscle shirts with our super logos on them and our primary color tights and as we're leaving I'm like, see ya later mom, we're heading to the club to pick up some chicks
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Apr 18, 2016 23:45
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My mom made a bunch of innuendos about me being a girl until I finally snapped and told her I wasn't going to be her gay dolly dress-up plaything and then I ripped off my blonde curly wig and then at that moment just like that l became a serial killer. 
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Apr 18, 2016 23:54
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just give it to me straight
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Apr 19, 2016 00:01
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let me softly stroke your face with my buttocks swish swish
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Apr 19, 2016 00:09
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i went to washington fora pride march in college. years later my mom told me that she and grandma were on the edges of their seats to see if i was a gay. joke's on them, i'm halfway there and they don't know 
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Apr 19, 2016 00:12
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My dad made this face:
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Apr 19, 2016 00:15
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MiracleWhale posted:you got married!!! ahaha out of the frying pan and into the fire my friend! but seriously the ol' "ball and chain" is really no problem for a man with super calves You jest but every time my wife sees my calves she's all :sploosh:
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Apr 19, 2016 00:19
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i think my mom actually would've rather i been gay used to talk to me about no matter what my lifestyle choices were she'd be the proud supportive mother aside: she also bought me guitar lessons out of the blue when i was young and said people always thank their mothers at the grammys. now im just a normal(ish) duder who's basically right where he should be in 2016 young adult life and she hates it. sick lady tbh
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Apr 19, 2016 00:21
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Nailed mom while high fiving dad.
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Apr 19, 2016 00:27
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Mom walked in on me watching a Tory lane and harmony rose vid.
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Apr 19, 2016 00:28
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i put a wig on my hand and made out with it
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Apr 19, 2016 00:34
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son straight, so what
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Apr 19, 2016 00:46
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Apollodorus posted:You jest but every time my wife sees my calves she's all :sploosh: lol she slippin in the puddle
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Apr 19, 2016 00:47
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JiveHonky posted:i put a wig on my hand and made out with it v convincing as long as it's an extremely butch haircut
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Apr 19, 2016 00:49
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i explained to my mom how when my friend calls me up to let me know he just banged some hottie from the bar I use my super nose to smell his fingers from clear across town
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Apr 19, 2016 00:51
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I broke it to them easy by leaving a bunch of titty porn in my parents browser history.
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Apr 19, 2016 00:53
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Mom, stepmom, I am Cisgender. *purple haired mothers sob uncontrollably*
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Apr 19, 2016 01:00
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my mom sent me a really long, boring text and I just replied with "i'm gay" and long story short i had to explain all about the something aweful dot com forums and now she posts here as "dad gay. so what" and embarrasses me constantly
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Apr 19, 2016 01:27
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MiracleWhale posted:my mom sent me a really long, boring text and I just replied with "i'm gay" and long story short i had to explain all about the something aweful dot com forums and now she posts here as "dad gay. so what" and embarrasses me constantly if my mom was better at posting than meat insensitive go
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Apr 19, 2016 01:29
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sorry had a stroke
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Apr 19, 2016 01:29
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JiveHonky posted:sorry had a stroke I appreciate that you took the time to own me one last time before dialing 911
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Apr 19, 2016 01:32
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i posted
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Apr 19, 2016 01:34
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i finally figured out it was a bad idea to refer to my girlfriend as 'my beard'
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Apr 19, 2016 01:59
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