Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Locked thread
BeefThief
Aug 8, 2007

ive been watching forensic files on HLN for the past 5 hours, here are some key takeaways:

-don't ejaculate in or on or near your victims
-don't leave your blood, hair, or spit in or near any crime scenes
-if the cops know you did it don't go to dairy queen because they will follow you around until you throw away your spoon and they will get your dna off it and link you to mistakes made in points 1 and 2

if there are any other great lifehacks for evading prosecution plz do the needful and share with the class. thanks.

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Nefarious 2.0
Apr 22, 2008

Offense is overrated anyway.

watch out for this guy he doesn't even have dna!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spandex Bonerlord
Sep 30, 2014

I think you can get away with rape and murder by not actually doing it.

let it mellow
Jun 1, 2000

Dinosaur Gum
jerk off everywhere then your dna is everywhere and u have plausible deniability

dad gay. so what
Feb 18, 2003

by FactsAreUseless
antifreeze is traceable :eng101:

BeefThief
Aug 8, 2007

don't keep your receipt for Conway's Olde Fashioned Rat and Mouse Poison after you poison two wealthy texas sisters

Microwaves Mom
Nov 8, 2015

by zen death robot

BeefThief posted:

ive been watching forensic files on HLN for the past 5 hours, here are some key takeaways:

-don't ejaculate in or on or near your victims
-don't leave your blood, hair, or spit in or near any crime scenes
-if the cops know you did it don't go to dairy queen because they will follow you around until you throw away your spoon and they will get your dna off it and link you to mistakes made in points 1 and 2

if there are any other great lifehacks for evading prosecution plz do the needful and share with the class. thanks.

Counterpoint,

go to DQ and carry an extra spoon with you with someone else's DNA on it and throw that out.

Vastarien
Dec 20, 2012

Where I live is nightmare, thus a certain nonchalance.



Buglord
I was watching one of those Investigation Discovery shows and in one episode the police were following around this dude, trying to get a DNA sample. The guy goes to a restaurant, eats, and leaves behind a fork. The police are all like "we got him now!". So they collect the fork and have it sent off to be tested. Turns out to be worthless because it's also full of other people's DNA. loving gross, right? lol

symbolic
Nov 2, 2014

i used to watch a lot of forensic files as a kid until one night there was a case about a dad that murdered his kid by choking him to death while he was eating cereal and i became paranoid that i would get killed while eating cereal so i spent the next year and a half only eating cereal when my dad was out of the house

gimme the GOD DAMN candy
Jul 1, 2007
i hope your mom never gets murdered, op. they would never find out who killed her because she is covered in semen from her many, many sexual partners 24/7.

ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD
Jan 21, 2007

Vastarien posted:

I was watching one of those Investigation Discovery shows and in one episode the police were following around this dude, trying to get a DNA sample. The guy goes to a restaurant, eats, and leaves behind a fork. The police are all like "we got him now!". So they collect the fork and have it sent off to be tested. Turns out to be worthless because it's also full of other people's DNA. loving gross, right? lol

drat that restaurant was serving long pig

and they just got a pass

criscodisco
Feb 18, 2004

do it

symbolic posted:

i used to watch a lot of forensic files as a kid until one night there was a case about a dad that murdered his kid by choking him to death while he was eating cereal and i became paranoid that i would get killed while eating cereal so i spent the next year and a half only eating cereal when my dad was out of the house

When I was a kid my mom rented me a movie about a little kid who finds out his parents are killing people and butchering them for their meat. My mom made baby back ribs at least once a week growing up, and I'd get really nauseous every time she served them for dinner.

My tip is that a guy here got arrested a few years ago for killing his twin brother but he later got off because he had eaten a cheeseburger earlier and rubbed his hand on the wall and it made that luminol stuff light up. So rub cheeseburgers on everything.

Zorodius
Feb 11, 2007

EA GAMES' MASTERPIECE 'MADDEN 2018 G.O.A.T. EDITION' IS A GLORIOUS TRIUMPH OF ART AND TECHNOLOGY. IT BRINGS GAMEDAY RIGHT TO THE PLAYER AND WHOEVER SAYS OTHERWISE CAN, YOU GUESSED IT...
SUCK THE SHIT STRAIGHT OUT OF MY OWN ASSHOLE.

BUY IT.
it actually turns out the FBI forensics labs have been straight-up lying about positive matches for decades, so just because you don't leave DNA behind and/or didn't actually commit the crime, that doesn't mean you aren't going down as guilty.


this isn't a joke

satanic splash-back
Jan 28, 2009

DNA evidence can only stick to poor people

Vastarien
Dec 20, 2012

Where I live is nightmare, thus a certain nonchalance.



Buglord

criscodisco posted:

When I was a kid my mom rented me a movie about a little kid who finds out his parents are killing people and butchering them for their meat.

Parents (1989). Good poo poo!

Sponge Baathist
Jan 30, 2010

by FactsAreUseless
buried deep stays buried still

drunk dog
Apr 6, 2014

Resident Millennial
Beerlioz are you making threads again? Godamnit

Woden
May 6, 2006

Microwaves Mom posted:

Counterpoint,

go to DQ and carry an extra spoon with you with someone else's DNA on it and throw that out.

GATTACA was a documentary on how to commit murder.

whoflungpoop
Sep 9, 2004

With you and the constellations
dont take out insurance policies on the spouse you're going to off 3 days later

Ahundredbux
Oct 25, 2007

The right to bear arms
Drain your body of all fluids and you won't spill them at the crime scene!!

Ahundredbux
Oct 25, 2007

The right to bear arms

Woden posted:

GATTACA was a documentary on how to commit murder.

identity theft & obscured suicide*

Lord Frankenstyle
Dec 3, 2005

Mmmm,
You smell like Lysol Wipes.

BeefThief posted:

-don't ejaculate in or on or near your victims

Way to suck the fun out of the room.

OXBALLS DOT COM
Sep 11, 2005

by FactsAreUseless
Young Orc

Zorodius posted:

it actually turns out the FBI forensics labs have been straight-up lying about positive matches for decades, so just because you don't leave DNA behind and/or didn't actually commit the crime, that doesn't mean you aren't going down as guilty.


this isn't a joke

Most of those aren't actual fbi labs run by the wasteful lazy government, they're efficient private industry labs

SurfaceDetail
Feb 17, 2016

by Cowcaster
As a scientist I'm gonna let you in on a little secret. All DNA is the same and we can't really tell it apart. The only reason its used in Forensics is to falsely convict black people of heinous crimes.

Ahundredbux
Oct 25, 2007

The right to bear arms
is it true that women have different DNA than men because there from another planet??

SurfaceDetail
Feb 17, 2016

by Cowcaster

Ahundredbux posted:

is it true that women have different DNA than men because there from another planet??

Women don't have much DNA. They have RNA that makes extra proteins. That's why their skin is softer and they can have babies

OXBALLS DOT COM
Sep 11, 2005

by FactsAreUseless
Young Orc

SurfaceDetail posted:

Women don't have much DNA. They have RNA that makes extra proteins. That's why their skin is softer and they can have babies

this is why women are teh way they are - they are biologically programmed to extract the dna and life force from innocent men and ruin their lives

SurfaceDetail
Feb 17, 2016

by Cowcaster
I don't know if I'd frame it in those terms but the underlying theory is correct. Men have to give part of themselves, losing precious moisture, Life. To reproduce. The man is the giver of life.

Its a magical process.

Nuebot
Feb 18, 2013

The developer of Brigador is a secret chud, don't give him money
If you burn off all your DNA you won't leave any at the crime scene. Hope this helps.

SMILLENNIALSMILLEN
Jun 26, 2009



BeefThief posted:

ive been watching forensic files on HLN for the past 5 hours, here are some key takeaways:

-don't ejaculate in or on or near your victims
-don't leave your blood, hair, or spit in or near any crime scenes
-if the cops know you did it don't go to dairy queen because they will follow you around until you throw away your spoon and they will get your dna off it and link you to mistakes made in points 1 and 2

if there are any other great lifehacks for evading prosecution plz do the needful and share with the class. thanks.

Heres another tip op;

- dont b9ther because its all fake as poo poo the pigs just make stuff up to convict you

Nolan Arenado
May 8, 2009

Sometimes I try to fantasize about murdering someone, but with all of this new technology I know I would almost certainly be caught, it's a real goddamn downer.

Lord Frankenstyle
Dec 3, 2005

Mmmm,
You smell like Lysol Wipes.

OctoberBlues posted:

Sometimes I try to fantasize about murdering someone, but with all of this new technology I know I would almost certainly be caught, it's a real goddamn downer.

Naw. Those forensic shows are just to scare people away from all the cool crimes. Even if you're a fuckin idiot and don't try and cover your tracks you have about a 65% chance of getting away with it.


Indulge yourself.

SurfaceDetail
Feb 17, 2016

by Cowcaster

OctoberBlues posted:

Sometimes I try to fantasize about murdering someone, but with all of this new technology I know I would almost certainly be caught, it's a real goddamn downer.

Travel to another state. LEave your phone at home. Go to some random neighborhood so theres no cameras. Cover up your license plate (just for a few blocks) Drive up to someone alone walking their dog. Ventilate 'em . Then jump on the highway back to your place. Throw the gun in a random lake.

Untraceable. Easy.

Nolan Arenado
May 8, 2009

Well yeah, I could kill a rando pretty easy, but sometimes I just want to murder someone I know, get me? Things are tough all over I guess.

Whooping Crabs
Apr 13, 2010

Sorry for the derail but I fuckin love me some racoons
Go to the barbershop and collect a bunch of hair from the dumpster.
Commit a crime most heinous.
Leave hair all over the crime scene, they won't be able to tell your hair apart from the customers.

Go to the sperm bank.
Steal a bunch of semen.
Commit a crime most heinous.
Leave other people's semen all over the crime scene, they won't be able to tell yours apart from the donors.

Go to a blood drive.
Steal a bunch of blood from the refrigerator.
Commit a crime most heinous.
Leave other people's blood all over the crime scene, they won't be able to tell yours apart from the donors.

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004

Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die
Nap Ghost

Frankenstyle posted:

Naw. Those forensic shows are just to scare people away from all the cool crimes. Even if you're a fuckin idiot and don't try and cover your tracks you have about a 65% chance of getting away with it.


Indulge yourself.

forensic files is a great look at how unlucky you have to be to be caught. or the police just get a toothbite analyst and put you away anyways

it's funny when the whole episode could be rephrased as 'the police were incompetent idiots but they got their man, or at least somebody, through incredibly flimsy evidence'

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

classic ep OP

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_1ZPZkGEH4

The Bananana
May 21, 2008

This is a metaphor, a Christian allegory. The fact that I have to explain to you that Jesus is the Warthog, and the Banana is drepanocytosis is just embarrassing for you.



SurfaceDetail posted:

Travel to another state. LEave your phone at home. Go to some random neighborhood so theres no cameras. Cover up your license plate (just for a few blocks) Drive up to someone alone walking their dog. Ventilate 'em . Then jump on the highway back to your place. Throw the gun in a random lake.

Untraceable. Easy.

sounds like a good weekend to me!

loquacius
Oct 21, 2008

Roger Craig posted:

Go to the barbershop and collect a bunch of hair from the dumpster.
Commit a crime most heinous.
Leave hair all over the crime scene, they won't be able to tell your hair apart from the customers.

Go to the sperm bank.
Steal a bunch of semen.
Commit a crime most heinous.
Leave other people's semen all over the crime scene, they won't be able to tell yours apart from the donors.

Go to a blood drive.
Steal a bunch of blood from the refrigerator.
Commit a crime most heinous.
Leave other people's blood all over the crime scene, they won't be able to tell yours apart from the donors.

I read a comic once where someone faked their own death by drawing a whole bunch of their own blood, keeping it in bags in the fridge, then smashing a bunch of poo poo and splashing the blood everywhere and leaving town

It didn't work because they were like "this is more blood than should be in a human at once"

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Professor Shark
May 22, 2012

They can tell old blood from new blood, can't they?

  • Locked thread