|
Previous entries in the "Why I am I watching this" category. - I downloaded literal vintage German dungeon porn by mistake - I downloaded more hosed up German porn, this time with corpse loving - Ridiculous Porn 3: A Hitler murder mystery - Bill Zebub: Autism, Narcissism, Heavy Metal, and Tits I tried to keep this one short  It's time for another weird movie review! You may be asking yourself "How could you possibly top a movie about loving corpses? " to which I answer "What if they were muppet corpses!" Enter Snuffet. Snuffet is a horrible flaming pile of trash that can easily be summed up as 56 minutes of muppet torture. Per usual, this movie came off as a thinly veiled attempt at the director making his own library of things to jack off to. There was very little substance to the movie. The nearly non existent plot was shoehorned into excessively long scenes of muppet murder, and more or less came off as a fantasy film. I got the impression that if you replaced the "muppets" with "black people" you'd probably hit closer to home on what is going on in this psychopath's brain. Every single line of dialogue was dripping with this sense that the director was a hardcore racist and the muppets were surrogates for people of color. A more in depth summary of the film can be found on IMDb. IMDb posted:"Snuffet is a found footage snuff film with a psychotic twist. The victims are all puppets. Imagine a world exactly like our own except for one crucial detail... puppets are real and they coexist with humanity. Just like our world there is a seedy underbelly beneath the surface. Puppet racism, puppet hate crimes, puppet civil rights issues, and of course puppet serial killers. Human serial killers who hunt puppets to be specific. Our story follows a maniac's video diary as he hunts, mutilates, dismembers, and violates poor hapless Puppet Americans. Watch as they scream, bleed, and beg for mercy as a masked psychopath dismantles them one stitch at a time." As with most of the terrible movies I watch this film started out with a warning. I have extended the vertical height to show the entire warning in one picture.  Meet our Serial Killer, Lance. I am calling him Lance because the name given in the movie, Frosch, is almost as dumb and gay as the name Lance.  Lance wears a mask, probably out of shame to save himself the embarrassment of anyone knowing he was involved in making this film. We are introduced to him and listen to a lengthy manifesto about how much he hates muppets. He vows to go on a muppet killing spree. The movie wastes no time after Lance's manifesto. Lance kidnaps a poor muppet and immediately begins a hilariously long torture scene with said muppet.  For 10 minutes we see Lance slowly cutting open the muppet and pulling his muppet organs out one by one and showing the camera. This was a big red flag. Something inside me whispered "please stop watching this retarded poo poo". But I just couldn't look away from the train wreck. http://i.imgur.com/fh9ZcEL.png  Lance supposedly takes this video recording of muppet torture and posts it to the fake muppet-hate forum The Flame. Unsurprisingly, a lady woman named Melissa who ALSO hates muppets sees this torture video on The Flame and decides to send Lance a personal video in return. In this video she details just how horny the muppet torture video made her. She starts to finger gently caress herself on camera for Lance and tells him they should start dating.  Hard cut to the public response over the missing muppet. Famous pornstar Giggles Mouthworthy has a lot to say about muppet violence to the news. Unfortunately this puts a very large target on her back. Lance is extremely unhappy that anyone would advocate that muppet life was worth anything.   Uh oh.... So it turns out after seeing the news report Lance kidnapped the famed muppet activist. He duct tapes her to a chair and makes her watch video footage of herself loving a muppet in a poor recreation of the show Dexter. He demands she show remorse for swapping fluids with the inferior muppet race. Unfortunately she tells him she would rather die then sell out the muppets, to which Lance obliges. He stabs her in the chest with some scissors (because that's all he had laying around?) and nothing of consequence happens. At this point Melissa and Lance begin teaming up to murder as many muppets as possible. oh god why am I still watching this. She dons a creepy purple pig mask and they start their serial killing spree!  Saving us the torture (heh pun) of having to watch them fake kidnap muppets we are immediately shown that they somehow have captured a beautiful muppet couple. Melissa is strangely absent here even though she supposedly just join #TeamKillMuppets.  We are treated to some more muppet torture...   Unsatisfied with the amount of fake gore in his life Lance decides he needs to up his ante. Now, I will remind you there isn't a lot of plot happening in this movie. So you kinda just have to make assumptions on what is happening. But from what I can tell the media is starting to get suspicious that there is a muppet serial killer on the loose. Thus begins what I will call the "climax" of the film Lance kidnaps yet more muppets. This time a whole family. The wife for some reason is human, and that really fucks Lance up. We get yet another monologue about why he hates muppets so much (no reason). The shots earlier with him reading Mein Kampf start to make more sense as I realize this is just an analogy for his racist ideas. I guess killing muppets is better than going to jail for actually killing ethnic people.  He plants a bomb on the young son muppet  He rapes the daughter muppet with scissors for some reason, but leaves her alive. http://i.imgur.com/V6gamx1.png Oh excuse me, leaves her alive long enough for Melissa to torture her as well.... in the nude  http://i.imgur.com/habk5Qa.png Finally Lance goes hog wild on Dad Muppet  As we approach the end of the film a muppet police officer comes investigating. Unfortunately for him he becomes yet another muppet victim for the couple to torture. Honestly I have no idea why any of this is happening.  Finally we come to the end of the movie. After nearly an hour of nonsensical thinly veiled plot that made next to no sense we are almost done. Lance pulls off his mask, revealing that HE WAS A MUPPET THE WHOLE TIME. A self loathing muppet.  He begs Melissa to forgive him and I guess requests her to cut off his cock so he can not breed and create more muppets in the world. Apparently just not having sex is off the agenda. http://i.imgur.com/F3G2gzF.png And that's it. That's the movie. Really. There is almost no plot. It seriously is just "found footage" of muppets being tortured. I feel duped for sitting through this thing. In fact it was so bad I almost didn't write anything about it. I only posted because I feel like otherwise I wasted an hour of my life I will never get back. I checked IMDb and there is a hilarious self masturbatory review of it that was pretty comical. IMDb also claims the movie made $500. Some part of me hopes the creator spent way more than $500 making it. I hardly can even come up with jokes for this pile of trash. Please do not watch this film. 0/5 Windows 98 fucked around with this message at 01:58 on May 23, 2016 |
#
?
May 23, 2016 01:53
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 23, 2024 20:50 |
|
|
The pictures were helpful thanks
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:08
|
|
|
i think that caring about irrelevant bullshit no one else does is your super power
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:09
|
|
|
Windows 98 posted:Previous entries in the "Why I am I watching this" category. Jim Henson died a long time ago
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:14
|
|
|
Mumpy Puffinz posted:Jim Henson died a long time ago That's why his boner is so weird. Duh.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:16
|
|
|
That was pretty gross, which made it pretty hard to get an erection, but by god I somehow managed.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:16
|
|
|
He tried to roll over in his grave and got stuck
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:16
|
|
|
i went to the jim henson school when i was lad
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:16
|
|
|
Windows 98 posted:He tried to roll over in his grave and got stuck elmo was in the way
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:19
|
|
|
*shouts from the crow's nest* WORDS HO!
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:30
|
|
|
hey windows whatcha typin? WORDS HO!
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:46
|
|
|
I'm inexplicably disappointed that the guy who made this didn't bother filling out the 'Trivia' section of the imdb.com listing for the film. When he bothers filling out that section in his other films it's at least slightly entertaining, which is probably more than you can say about the films themselves.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:48
|
|
|
Snowglobe of Doom posted:I'm inexplicably disappointed that the guy who made this didn't bother filling out the 'Trivia' section of the imdb.com listing for the film. "Jackie McKown was cast through an ad placed on the website Craigslist." "This entire film was shot in and around the apartment of writer/director Dustin Mills." Both of these are obvious and I don't think can be classified as trivia.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 02:51
|
|
|
Did you film beating your roommate with a shovel I bet you could have made some money
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 03:04
|
|
|
does Melissa have a Luigi tattoo?
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 03:16
|
|
|
zooted heh posted:does Melissa have a Luigi tattoo? luigi tatoo, good idea. Red hat on my left arm and a green one on my right
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 03:19
|
|
|
Can't believe you watched it without me
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 03:20
|
|
|
You always get poo poo for these, but I appreciate you for sitting through this schlock. It reminds me of older, more innocent days of reading weird porn reviews on the front page. Keep up the good work you shovel wielding oval office.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 03:45
|
|
|
you posted pussyhair muppets
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 03:46
|
|
|
isn't "muppet" a racial slur or something
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 03:53
|
|
|
Jan Švankmajer's "Faust" is a pretty good movie with puppets.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 03:54
|
|
|
DrCornelius posted:You always get poo poo for these, but I appreciate you for sitting through this schlock. It reminds me of older, more innocent days of reading weird porn reviews on the front page. Don't say nice things to me it will only encourage me
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 04:26
|
|
|
Windows 98 posted:Previous entries in the "Why I am I watching this" category. oh
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 04:41
|
|
|
Snuff is gross
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 04:51
|
|
|
How do you take such a weird subject and make it completely uninteresting OP? It is a real talent.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 04:52
|
|
|
Windows 98 could make a threesome boring.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 04:52
|
|
|
satanic splash-back posted:How do you take such a weird subject and make it completely uninteresting OP? It is a real talent. I don't know. How do you manage to make every one of your posts more useless than the one before it?
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 04:55
|
|
|
Windows 98 posted:I don't know. How do you manage to make every one of your posts more useless than the one before it? Do you laugh at your own posts?
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 04:57
|
|
|
satanic splash-back posted:Do you laugh at your own posts? He does it again! The man is on fire! Impressive work.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 04:58
|
|
|
Don't take it out on me big boy, you're the one posting lovely topics nobody enjoys
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 05:03
|
|
|
I enjoyed the thread
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 05:19
|
|
|
lmao the shill reviews on this dudes movies are great. "Her Name Was Torment is the latest release from Dustin Mills, one of the most talented and hardworking horror directors. Having started with the ambitious and entertaining The Puppet Monster Massacre, Mills has built his reputation around his unique style. There's been a gradual shift to darker material in his movies, with less puppets and more psychological (and physical) pain on display. With Kill That Bitch, Mills entered a whole new territory but the setting up of his sister studio, Crumpleshack Films, is a bold flag in the sand. Crumpleshack is Mills' label for tough, unflinching offerings. There's little, if any, elements of his traditional "comfortable" horror films contained here. Her Name, then, is the first of the Crumpleshack Films and it's strong stuff. Mills had warned fans that this production may not be to everybody's taste. It's not cute or amusing; there's no relief from the madness that swiftly descends. Mills' regular, Brandon Salkil, delivers a tremendous performance as Torment's latest victim. He's a very physical performer and is perfectly cast here. The viewer is an unwilling spectator as Salkil is tortured slowly and methodically by the masked female psycho. You know in your heart from the start that this isn't going to end happily ever after. Allison Fitzgerald is another Mills regular. Here, she plays her most memorable role to date as Torment. Despite the fact that we never see her face, Fitzgerald delivers an absolutely terrifying performance in her bizarre mask. She's a brave lady - this film required an actor that wasn't afraid of nudity and sexual situations and it's quite obvious that she threw herself into the movie; mind, body and soul. The Doctor, whose chilling commentary is genuinely riveting, is played by none other than Mills himself. His questioning of Torment is the stuff of nightmares. In a lesser director's hands, this could have been just "torture porn". There are many scenes of physical abuse that will make many viewers look away from the screen but Mills' direction steers away from cheap hardcore insert shots or scenes of castration, instead concentrating on other forms of unpleasantness. The special effects will not disappoint gorehounds but this is only one layer of the proceedings. For me, the actual graphic horror was not what seated this film at the table of horror greats. Having viewed thousands of horror movies, graphic violence is now no longer of interest (although it can be conspicuous by its absence and there's a difficult balance to maintain) but Her Name is more than an exhibition of physical insults delivered to a bound young man. What the film delivers is an audial and visual assault on the senses. You may note I mention the audio side of things before the visual and there's a reason for this. The film hits you with a wall of inventive sound from the very beginning and manages to do something I've never experienced before outside demonstrations of spacial sound effects. The movie delivers what can only be described as an audio hallucination. The film's soundtrack is in good old fashioned stereo and, as a purist, I viewed Her Name in its intended state, without applying any additional sound processing bells and whistles. There's one scene, I won't give it away, where the sound field generated became genuinely three dimensional and I felt I was sat in the centre of a pulsating hailstorm of electronic noise. It was nightmarish stuff but exhilarating at the same time, the cacophony of auditory madness matched by the bizarre inkblot-like image on the screen. The inventive use of colour in Her Name Was Torment is another layer of bloody icing on this perverse cake. Like Spielberg in Schindler's List, colour is used sparingly and jolts the viewer's attention to the many ghastly spectacles unveiled by a gleeful Mills (who's clearly had the time of his life making this indie gem). It's clever stuff, very effective and the style ensures the viewer is kept on edge for the duration of the film's 50 minute running time. It could be argued that the film is an extended short but this doesn't matter. Quality is always more welcome than quantity and anything longer than this would have been exhausting. I have only a minor criticism of the film and I may need to revisit it as the viewing experience is still sinking in. The mysterious Overlord (arguably the only element of "old" Mills) feels slightly out of kilter with the rest of the production and I struggled to hear his dialogue. However, I think I would miss this character if his presence was not seen and I may well feel differently on a second viewing. In no way does this deter me from giving this movie 10 out of 10. Jackie McKown's Angel is one of the scariest creations I've ever witnessed and the film's vibe occasionally feels like The Bunny Game meets Boy Meets Girl crossed with Hellraiser, with a mild sprinkling of A Field in England and Paranormal Activity. Oh, and there's a head shaking scene that makes Jacob's Ladder look positively tame by comparison. My gods, that's a fine cocktail of horror and Her Name is a sharp kick in the balls for those who are expecting something safe from this unpredictable director. KTB remains my favourite Mills movie, However, Her Name is hot on its paws with its blend of the strange, the surreal and the downright petrifying. I have fingers and toes firmly crossed that we see Her Name Was Agony in the not too distant future. This film has threads that are begging to be unwound and exploited. It would be a shame to provide any real, substantial answers to some of the film's mysteries but there's a mine of terror just waiting to be explored. A low budget masterpiece to dissect, disassemble, dispose...place in a bucket or bin..."
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 06:29
|
|
|
I am more surprised it took until 2014 for someone to make this.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 06:48
|
|
|
st1LL_51ngl3 posted:That was pretty gross, which made it pretty hard to get an erection, but by god I somehow managed. glad to see you're out there in the trenches fighting the hard fight
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 06:55
|
|
|
This is some good classic GBS you have my manbabies good sir.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 06:57
|
|
|
How gross can it really be? I've seen Meet the Feebles. *Guy stabs little girl puppet in the vagina with scissors Ohhhh  I'm thinking this guy needs to spend some time in a psych ward based on the few minutes I've been aware of this.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 07:15
|
|
|
Casimir Radon posted:How gross can it really be? I've seen Meet the Feebles. That scene probably makes the video illegal to watch here in Australia
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 07:41
|
|
|
So this is basically Puppet Rapist with less production value right?
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 10:39
|
|
|
satanic splash-back posted:How do you take such a weird subject and make it completely uninteresting OP? It is a real talent.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 12:17
|
|
|
|
| # ? Apr 23, 2024 20:50 |
|
|
If this was animated from japan those stills would have the OP permabanned as a pedo. I think we should get some social equality up in this bitch and hold the western media to the same standard we hold eastern media to.
|
|
#
?
May 23, 2016 12:48
|
|
