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Why should you never loan somebody your book of suicide techniques? I don't know, I'm really sad.
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Jun 1, 2016 10:29
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Cousteau
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Jun 1, 2016 11:37
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It seems there was this elephant who decided to get a part time job at a bakery* to save up to buy a toilet. When he showed up the the interview the manager asked the elephant what qualifications he had to work a part time job. As the elephant passionately laid out his extensive retail and patisserie experience, the manager interrupted him, curtly exclaiming, "Wait - if you buy a toilet, and flush your business - what will the poor dung beetles eat?" Just then the elephant straightened his tie and tossed this beauty of a zinger into the ether: "They shall eat your finest croissants," the elephant intoned, "And doubtless that they shan't taste the diff." *you should know that this particular bakery is known for the unusually poor quality of its croissants
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Jun 1, 2016 11:54
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An excellent burn, but I don't get the joke.
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Jun 1, 2016 12:18
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I went to seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel. E: a dwarf mystic escaped from prison last week. Police have warned that there is a small medium at large. A man ate too many tomatos and ended up making GBS threads ketchup. I bet he didn't relish the aftermath. Roro has a new favorite as of 12:33 on Jun 1, 2016 |
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Jun 1, 2016 12:24
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Two guys are out of work, so they both go apply at a lingerie store. During the interview, the boss asks what they used to do. The first guy says 'Well, I used to be a pantyhose salesman, and my friend here was a diesel fitter'. The recruiter says 'Well, you sound perfect, but I don't think we have much use for your friend.' He turns to the friend and asks 'So, what exactly did you do at YOUR job?'. The second guy says 'Well, whenever pantyhose sizing came into question, my friend would hold up the pantyhose, and I'd take a look and say 'Dese'll fit'er!' "These will fit her!"
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Jun 1, 2016 13:12
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Two construction workers are sitting on some cinder blocks on their lunch break. One of them is named Mike, the other one is named Todd. Mike reaches into his lunch pail and pulls out a very strangely shaped, strangely wrapped sandwich: Mike: "I'm glad I'm from <OUR TOWN>, if I was from <RIVAL TOWN>, I think I'd have to hang myself. Just hang myself until I was dead. Out back, so Jenny wouldn't have much of a mess to clean up." Todd: "Yeah, those guys from <RIVAL TOWN> are really making headlines!"
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Jun 1, 2016 13:19
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An old classic bit, hope this works for the thread! Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to Hollywood with you. You know Bucky Harris, the talent agency manager, gave me a job as a talent scout. But you know it seems to me they give these performers now-a-days very peculiar names. Costello: Funny names you say? What are their names? Abbott: Well, let's see, Who's making GBS threads on the floor, What's in the dog's rear end, I Don't Know is smearing horse jizz on his face... Costello: That's what I want to find out. Abbott: I say Who's making GBS threads on the floor, What's in the dog's rear end, I Don't Know is smearing horse jizz on his face. Costello: Are you the talent scout? Abbott: Yes. Costello: You gonna be the director too? Abbott: Yes. Costello: And you don't know the performers names? Abbott: Well I should. Costello: Well then who's making GBS threads on the floor? Abbott: Yes. Costello: I mean the performer's name. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy making GBS threads on the floor. Abbott: Who. Costello: The first performer. Abbott: Who. Costello: The guy making GBS threads... Abbott: Who is making GBS threads on the floor! Costello: I'm asking YOU who's making GBS threads on the floor. Abbott: That's the man's name. Costello: That's who's name? Abbott: Yes. Costello: Well go ahead and tell me. Abbott: That's it. Costello: That's who? Abbott: Yes. Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name making GBS threads on the floor. Abbott: No. What is in the dog's rear end. Costello: I'm not asking you who's in the dog's rear end. Abbott: Who's making GBS threads on the floor. Costello: One performer at a time! Abbott: Well, don't change them around. Costello: What's the guy's name making GBS threads on the floor base? Abbott: No. What is in the dog's rear end. Costello: I'm not asking you who's in the dog's rear end. Abbott: Who's making GBS threads on the floor. Costello: I don't know. Abbott: He's smearing horse jizz on his face, we're not talking about him. Costello: Now how did I get to the guy smearing horse jizz on his face? Abbott: Why you mentioned his name. Costello: If I mentioned the third performer's name, who did I say is smearing horse jizz on his face? Abbott: No. Who's playing making GBS threads on the floor. Costello: What's making GBS threads on the floor? Abbott: What's in the dog's rear end. Costello: I don't know. Abbott: He's smearing horse jizz on his face. What is in the dog's rear end. Costello: You don't want who in the dog's rear end? Abbott: Who is making GBS threads on the floor. Costello: I don't know. Abbott & Costello Together: Third base!
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Jun 1, 2016 15:29
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Friend posted:An old classic bit, hope this works for the thread! Oh, I know that one. Here's the original. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jR3RQwn3UhA
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Jun 1, 2016 15:32
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Lottery of Babylon posted:here are mine: Women are like hurricanes. When they come they are wet and wild. But when they leave your house and car are gone. Those aren't jokes, they're cries for help. Do you need to talk to somebody?
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Jun 1, 2016 21:33
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LargeHadron posted:Those aren't jokes, they're cries for help. Do you need to talk to somebody? Why is divorce so expensive? It's worth it.
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Jun 1, 2016 22:03
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Lottery of Babylon posted:Why is divorce so expensive? loss of: wealth, custody of children, social status, humiliation........no just no to all of it the correct version of that joke should be changed to replace divorce with murdering your spouse.
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Jun 1, 2016 22:03
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Rupert Buttermilk posted:The second guy says 'Well, whenever pantyhose sizing came into question, my friend would hold up the pantyhose, and I'd take a look and say 'Dese'll fit'er!' "These will fit her!"
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Jun 2, 2016 00:53
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LargeHadron posted:Those aren't jokes, they're cries for help. Do you need to talk to somebody? Learn the lore.
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Jun 2, 2016 03:19
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The Aristocrats!
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Jun 2, 2016 05:59
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Two parrots were sitting on a perch. One of them said to the other, "It smells fishy around here."
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Jun 4, 2016 08:51
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the condition where you habitually take things literally is called kleptomania.
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Jun 19, 2016 18:51
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I heard it as "Why is it difficult explaining jokes to kleptomaniacs?" "They always take things, literally."
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Jun 20, 2016 16:31
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Someone told me this joke in a dream I had last night and I think it's surprisingly funny for a dream joke: How did the pirate get from one continent to another? He drove to the ARRRRRport.
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Jun 22, 2016 12:50
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I went to the gym today and everyone was really angry and yelling at each other while they worked out...it was ok though, they were just cross training.
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Jun 22, 2016 15:07
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I first heard that one as "How did Jesus keep fit? Cross training."
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Jun 22, 2016 15:13
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Which rock group has four men in it but no singers? Mount Rushmore
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Jun 26, 2016 20:52
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Roro posted:I went to seafood disco last week. I pulled a mussel. Did you see any stringed instruments there? Because I left my harp at Sam's Clam Disco.
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Jun 27, 2016 12:45
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The UK public
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Jun 27, 2016 14:45
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twoday posted:Someone told me this joke in a dream I had last night and I think it's surprisingly funny for a dream joke: You're probably thinking Arrr, but his heart belongs to the C
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Jun 28, 2016 19:02
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These jokes work best if you tell all of them in a row. Why did the pirate go to the hospital? He had a heARRRT attack! Why didn't the pirate go to the movie? It was rated RRRR! (Or he left his wallet in the cARRRR) What's a pirate's favorite branch of the military? The navy. 
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Jun 28, 2016 20:31
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What's easier to unload: a truck full of bowling balls, or a truck full of babies? The babies- you can use a pitchfork.
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Jun 28, 2016 20:41
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Big Grunty Secret posted:These jokes work best if you tell all of them in a row. How do you become a pirate? You just ARRRR one!
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Jun 29, 2016 02:10
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Pirates don't like the navy.
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Jun 29, 2016 04:16
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A pirate walks into a bar with a massive ship's wheel attached to his crotch. Bartender asks, "what's the deal with the wheel?" The pirate replies, "Arrr, it's drivin' me nuts!"
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Jun 29, 2016 04:50
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Splicer posted:What's a pirate's favorite letter? What’s a pirate’s favourite letter? None. Most pirates were illiterate.
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Jun 30, 2016 03:18
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A lady walks into a vet's office with her hamster in her hands. She says to the vet "I think my hamster's sick." The vet says "I think it might be dead The lady asks "Are you sure?" The vet says "Hang on," and brings in a labrador retriever. The dog sniffs the hamster, licks it a few times, then looks up at the vet. The vet says "Yeah, it's dead." The lady asks "Are you SURE?" The vet says "Hang on," and brings in a cat. The cat sniffs the hamster, paws at it a few times, then looks up at the vet. The vet says "It's most definitely dead." The lady sighs. "Oh well. How much will this cost me?" The vet says "Normally it would be 20 dollars, but with the lab work and the cat scan it comes to 5000." --- A husband and wife are sitting in church. The husband keeps poking his wife with a pin he found. She is obviously getting annoyed by this. The priest asks the congregation "What did the philistines say to Jesus while He was preaching?" *poke* The wife says "Stop it." "Amen," says the priest. He then asks the congregation "What did the people of Jericho say when the walls fell?" *poke* The wife says "You have got to be kidding me." "Amen," says the priest. He then asks the congregation "What did Eve say to Adam when they were naked together in the Garden of Eden?" *poke* The wife yells "IF YOU DON'T QUIT POKING ME WITH THAT THING I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU AND SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR rear end!" "Amen," says the priest. --- What did the kid with no hands get for his birthday? I don't know, he hasn't unwrapped it yet. --- What do you give a person who has everything? Penicillin --- How about riddles, are riddles cool? Don't care, I'm gonna post one anyway: I am near you when you sleep. While you sleep, I am awake. While you're awake, I am asleep. What am I? An alarm clock The Mighty Moltres has a new favorite as of 10:46 on Jun 30, 2016 |
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Jun 30, 2016 10:09
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A joke I heard from a German friend: A Bavarian woman goes into a sex shop and starts examining a foot long vibrator. The sex shop owner goes over and says "Impressive, isn't it?" "Indeed", replies the Bavarian woman. "A triumph of engineering."
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Jun 30, 2016 13:25
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And who says Germans aren't funny?
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Jun 30, 2016 17:49
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RJWaters2 posted:And who says Germans aren't funny? [holocaust joke]
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Jul 1, 2016 00:53
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ikanreed posted:[holocaust joke] [snooty reply, having clearly missed the humor entirely]
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Jul 1, 2016 06:06
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Do German-Canadians say goodbye as "later hosen" OC do not steal
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Jul 1, 2016 08:03
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Ket posted:Do German-Canadians say goodbye as "later hosen" That's good but I won't steal it (I might steal it)
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Jul 1, 2016 12:06
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your mother is so fat she hit both towers
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Jul 1, 2016 12:20
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Platystemon posted:What’s a pirate’s favourite letter? What's a pirate's favourite letter? A letter of marque
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Jul 1, 2016 16:12
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