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A lady walks into a vet's office with her hamster in her hands. She says to the vet "I think my hamster's sick." The vet says "I think it might be dead The lady asks "Are you sure?" The vet says "Hang on," and brings in a labrador retriever. The dog sniffs the hamster, licks it a few times, then looks up at the vet. The vet says "Yeah, it's dead." The lady asks "Are you SURE?" The vet says "Hang on," and brings in a cat. The cat sniffs the hamster, paws at it a few times, then looks up at the vet. The vet says "It's most definitely dead." The lady sighs. "Oh well. How much will this cost me?" The vet says "Normally it would be 20 dollars, but with the lab work and the cat scan it comes to 5000." --- A husband and wife are sitting in church. The husband keeps poking his wife with a pin he found. She is obviously getting annoyed by this. The priest asks the congregation "What did the philistines say to Jesus while He was preaching?" *poke* The wife says "Stop it." "Amen," says the priest. He then asks the congregation "What did the people of Jericho say when the walls fell?" *poke* The wife says "You have got to be kidding me." "Amen," says the priest. He then asks the congregation "What did Eve say to Adam when they were naked together in the Garden of Eden?" *poke* The wife yells "IF YOU DON'T QUIT POKING ME WITH THAT THING I'M GOING TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM YOU AND SHOVE IT STRAIGHT UP YOUR rear end!" "Amen," says the priest. --- What did the kid with no hands get for his birthday? I don't know, he hasn't unwrapped it yet. --- What do you give a person who has everything? Penicillin --- How about riddles, are riddles cool? Don't care, I'm gonna post one anyway: I am near you when you sleep. While you sleep, I am awake. While you're awake, I am asleep. What am I? An alarm clock The Mighty Moltres has a new favorite as of 10:46 on Jun 30, 2016 |
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Jun 30, 2016 10:09
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| # ¿ May 7, 2024 14:14 |
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Who built King Arthur's round table? Sir Cumference
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Sep 19, 2016 04:04
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Why do robot trees grow strangely? They have square roots
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Nov 16, 2016 17:02
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It's pronounced gif. Anyway, what do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip off
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Jan 27, 2017 12:20
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dee eight posted:What do you get when you cross JFK, Abraham Lincoln, Ernest Hemingway, and Kurt Cobain? I groaned, then thought of a man wildly rotating his arms in opposite directions, nodding and saying "I hosed up" and laughed.
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Aug 12, 2017 06:47
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Reminds me of a story I heard when I was but a wee little lad. A guy was taking a shortcut through the woods on his walk home one evening. With the trees closing in around him, the sun set much quicker than normal. Soon, it was dark. He thought of the fire he could rest by as he read his favourite book. That's when he began hearing the footsteps behind him. *fwap fwap fwap* went the steps as he walked. He quickened his pace, but the steps kept up. *fwapfwapfwap* they went, and the timid man started jogging. The woods grew in density around him, and he could barely see three feet in front of himself. *fwapfwapfwapfwapfwapfwapfwap* The man broke into a full-blown run. The footfalls behind him kept up, and he knew it was the end for him. Completely exhausted and out of breath, he collapsed. He closed his eyes and waited for the worst. Nothing happened. He opened one eye and looked around. There was no one. He opened his second eye and really gave the place a good scan. There was no one. Breathing a heavy sigh of relief, he rose. After taking a moment to regain his composure, he began walking. *fwap fwap fwap* went the steps as he walked. He looked at his feet, and realized that bottom heel part of his shoes were disconnected, and were *fwapping* against his foot every time he took a step. He made it home safely, and read his book by the fire.
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Aug 12, 2017 15:54
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Jedit posted:There were a shitload found scrawled on walls in Pompeii. Have you ever been so proud of your baking you just had to tell everyone? quote:II.7 (gladiator barracks); 8792: On April 19th, I made bread
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Jul 24, 2018 20:21
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Rainbow Knight posted:Bonus math teacher joke What did eight say to infinity? Lazy jerk.
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Apr 4, 2019 14:34
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| # ¿ May 7, 2024 14:14 |
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan? Take away their little brooms! Yes, that was told to me by my dad.
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Feb 5, 2022 19:05
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