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ChrisHansen
Oct 28, 2014

Suck my damn balls.
Lipstick Apathy
Everyone in my family would groan when Grandma would turn on Antiques Roadshow. She would watch with genuine interest as centuries old family heirlooms were valued at 1/10th of the price they were bought for.

Post your items here and I will consult the experts to discover the truth behind your unknown or undiscovered treasures

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symbolic
Nov 2, 2014

yes, hello, i have a real antique for you: the comedy website "somethingawful.com". what do you think?

The Bananana
May 21, 2008

This is a metaphor, a Christian allegory. The fact that I have to explain to you that Jesus is the Warthog, and the Banana is drepanocytosis is just embarrassing for you.



symbolic posted:

yes, hello, i have a real antique for you: the comedy website "somethingawful.com". what do you think?

clone on the phone
Aug 5, 2003

I saw an episode of AR where a girl found an old painting in a garbage dump that had been thrown out by the owners of an old estate with a bunch of other junk. The painting turned out to be worth several millions and all of a sudden the people that tossed it out were like oh we threw it out by accident, but when asked what they'd do with it they were like oh we're gonna sell it we need the money. So because ownership was contested no auctioneers would touch it and the girl was basically forced to give it back.

Stupidity and greed!

ChrisHansen
Oct 28, 2014

Suck my damn balls.
Lipstick Apathy


A customer recently came in to my shop claiming that their great aunt Matilda purchased this matching pair of funerary urns from a traveling salesman while visiting Cairo in the 1950s. She was told that they contained the ashes of a pair of wealthy merchants waylaid by bandits while traveling along the silk road.


Unfortunately, I dropped them both while I was looking at them. Lucky for me, when I cracked them open, I discovered that there were no ashes at all, but a child must have lost his Yoyo in there, so at least they could keep that

ChrisHansen
Oct 28, 2014

Suck my damn balls.
Lipstick Apathy

symbolic posted:

yes, hello, i have a real antique for you: the comedy website "somethingawful.com". what do you think?

I have just asked my intern to do some research, ad it turns out this is a relic of a dead gay forum. Unfortunately, it has not been relevant for a number of years

Hector Beerlioz
Jun 16, 2010

aw, hec
I love falling asleep on the couch to this show!

ChrisHansen
Oct 28, 2014

Suck my damn balls.
Lipstick Apathy
I also really enjoy when they go to some local historical places. Did you know that it's called antiques ROADSHOW because they travel all around the country?

death sext
Nov 4, 2011




This is a antique dog preserved from the 30s and I would like to know how cursed it is for insurance purposes.

Bob James
Nov 15, 2005

by Lowtax
Ultra Carp
How much is this pug dressed as Spock? SUPER RARE

SLICK GOKU BABY
Jun 12, 2001

Hey Hey Let's Go! 喧嘩する
大切な物を protect my balls


Yes thank you. We have been waiting for the Antique Roadshow to come into town. Our grandmother left this in her box of things when she passed away. It looks like some sort of antique glass art. Hope you can tell us more about what period in history it's from and what uses it had.

Hector Beerlioz
Jun 16, 2010

aw, hec

Bob James posted:

How much is this pug dressed as Spock? SUPER RARE



ugh, UGH, UUUGGGHHH, Spock wore a BLUE UNIFORM, GODDMAN!!!!!

ChrisHansen
Oct 28, 2014

Suck my damn balls.
Lipstick Apathy

death sext posted:



This is a antique dog preserved from the 30s and I would like to know how cursed it is for insurance purposes.

I have consulted the oracles and I'm sorry to say that it is not cursed at all.

The kiln in which this dog was fired is cursed, so you really got the short end of the stick. The clay dog is only a conduit for the curse, most likely cast by the great witch Agatha who was most active in the northeast united states in the 1840s-1870s. She was the madame of a traveling brothel, and when people would mistreat the ladies of the evening, Agatha would find what their livelihood depended on and would curse it. It is likely that a potter mistreated a lady and that is why Agatha cursed the kiln. I'm sorry to say that you have an object of very little monetary or metaphysical value.

But this does mean that you can do as you please with it, but you should keep it away from small children and prostitutes

ChrisHansen
Oct 28, 2014

Suck my damn balls.
Lipstick Apathy

SLICK GOKU BABY posted:

Yes thank you. We have been waiting for the Antique Roadshow to come into town. Our grandmother left this in her box of things when she passed away. It looks like some sort of antique glass art. Hope you can tell us more about what period in history it's from and what uses it had.



Ah! The Dildo of One Thousand Tortures. It's a good thing you never attempted to use this item to pleasure yourself. It is a legendary device that the great Assyrian torturers would use to torment their captives. It would be inserted into an orifice in the body and would produce agony beyond comprehension.

It is doubtless that this object has lost some of it's potential over the years, but You've got a real nice piece of history here. I'd say at auction with the right buyers present, you could clear seven or eight thousand human souls.

ChrisHansen
Oct 28, 2014

Suck my damn balls.
Lipstick Apathy

Hector Beerlioz posted:

ugh, UGH, UUUGGGHHH, Spock wore a BLUE UNIFORM, GODDMAN!!!!!

Ah yes, you have a good eye for antiques. This is a clear forgery and has no value at all.

George Zimmer
Jun 28, 2008
Please tell me how much this is worth:

ChrisHansen
Oct 28, 2014

Suck my damn balls.
Lipstick Apathy

George Zimmer posted:

Please tell me how much this is worth:



let me check...









ChrisHansen
Oct 28, 2014

Suck my damn balls.
Lipstick Apathy
Sorry about that everyone, some people just can not appreciate art when they see it.

JiveHonky
May 12, 2001

by zen death robot
Grimey Drawer

Hector Beerlioz posted:

ugh, UGH, UUUGGGHHH, Spock wore a BLUE UNIFORM, GODDMAN!!!!!

theres a "p" in pugh you lardass

Big Beef City
Aug 15, 2013

I unironically like watching this show.
Thank you.

ChrisHansen
Oct 28, 2014

Suck my damn balls.
Lipstick Apathy

Big Beef City posted:

I unironically like watching this show.
Thank you.

They do drag it out and the production value is pretty bad but there's tons of cool trunks and paintings and my personal favorites, desks

satanic splash-back
Jan 28, 2009

one time i was watching antiques roadshow and i thought i saw my dead grandma on the television but it turns out it was not, in fact, my dead grandmother, but it was her urn on the television, which prompted me to consider why i was watching antiques roadshow. it turns out my dead grandmother actually was on the show, but it was because my grandfather brought her to the show. she was worth like a hundred dollars, but granddad didn't want to sell, just wanted to see how much someone would pay for that stupid urn. i don't know why he held on to it, i think a hundred bucks could get him a good amount of shooters.

Queen-Of-Hearts
Mar 17, 2009

"I want to break your heart💔 and give you mine🫀"




Some of the stuff is pretty great and some of the stories behind the antique junk are fun..
but if im being honest..... i watch it to see the faces of the people who thought they had something super valuable only to find out its not, or it doesnt quite reach the dollar signs in their heads.

Also: i kind of want to see one of the experts accidently drop something priceless that shatters into a bajillion pieces.

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Cyril Sneer
Aug 8, 2004

Life would be simple in the forest except for Cyril Sneer. And his life would be simple except for The Raccoons.
I like to watch AR before I head out for a night of drinking. It's my pregame show.

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