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MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015


hello, friends! welcome to the cat intelligence research symposium. i hope you've all had a chance to grab some coffee and danishes.

before we start, let's give a big hand to our colleagues over at kyoto university for finally getting mainstream recognition for their pioneering work in the area of shaking a box in front of a cat! at this point even undergraduate textbooks cover placing a cat inside a box, or shaking a cat in front of a box, but until now shaking a box in front of a cat has remained only a theoretical possibility. numerical simulations suggestion a fourth cat-box interaction, placing a box inside a cat, and i can only hope that i live long enough to see this phenomenon reproduced in the laboratory.

but enough about kyoto university! this year's cat intelligence nobel may be all locked up, but we're here to hear about the latest research in the field. presentations will begin in 15 minutes, so if you need to use the litter box, now's the time! hahaha that's a little cat intelligence research humor folks

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MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015


our lab lured passing cats on the street over to a shell game with promises of easy money. a research assistant cat pretended to have just "won big", flashing a large wad of cash around, and explained loudly that she was going to go buy a hovercraft made of swarovski crystal before walking away from the table. in 36 of 50 trials the street cat fell for the scam and gambled away their drinkin money. verdict: not intelligent

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015


we set up a hedge fund and gave 20 cat investment managers a million dollars each to invest as they saw fit. at the end of the year only 5 had beat the market, and it was revealed that 4 of those had achieved high returns only via an elaborate ponzi scheme. verdict: knuckleheads

Bob James
Nov 15, 2005

by Lowtax
Ultra Carp
Cats are hosed up.

gey muckle mowser
Aug 5, 2003

Do you know anything about...
witches?



Buglord
Sounds more like cats are just bad with money

The Protagonist
Jun 29, 2009

The average is 5.5? I thought it was 4. This is very unsettling.
op takes first and second post

a most shamfuru thread

Marta Velasquez
Mar 9, 2013

Good thing I was feeling suicidal this morning...
Fallen Rib
We showed 30 cats the D&D forum and asked them to post. In all cases, the cat in question chose to lick itself instead, never once touching the keyboard. verdict: intelligent

JakeP
Apr 27, 2003

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Lipstick Apathy
dag it took the OP 2 bumps and 10 minutes to get a pity reply during peak posting hours

shameful

penus penus penus
Nov 9, 2014

by piss__donald
yep

some people just see cats not acting like dogs (ie relatable human emotions) and thinking they are retarded. lets just say, you might find a smart person who just doesnt like cats but you'll only find a dumb person who thinks cats are stupid

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015


we selected 43 cats with previously healthy parents and subjected their mothers to a high dose of gamma radiation, triggering the immediate development of terminal cancer. the cats were then provided with little white lab coats and adorable cat-sized test tubes and erlenmeyer flasks. not one of the cats was able to successfully develop a cure for their mothers' cancer. 13 simply bumbled around the tiny cancer lab knocking things over, while 8 pawned the lab equipment for booze money and the remaining 22 used the equipment and supplies we provided to synthesize an extremely pure "crystal blue" form of methamphetamine which allowed them to quickly dominate the local market. verdict: donkeybrains

JiveHonky
May 12, 2001

by zen death robot
Grimey Drawer
its a good thing cats are cute because based on my study of the cats i have owned they are dumb as hell.

jeff smisek
May 18, 2009


Cats poo poo in a box and u scoop it. H.t.h.

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015


JakeP posted:

dag it took the OP 2 bumps and 10 minutes to get a pity reply during peak posting hours

shameful

it's hard for the "man on the street" to understand cutting edge scientific research

JiveHonky
May 12, 2001

by zen death robot
Grimey Drawer

jeff smisek posted:

Cats poo poo in a box and u scoop it. H.t.h.

not always, sometimes they poo poo on the floor near the box and i clean it from there so suck it jeff

jeff smisek
May 18, 2009


Owned :(

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015


JiveHonky posted:

suck it jeff

reallivedinosaur
Jun 13, 2012

Ogdober subrise! XDDD
schroedingers cat was pretty smart and super deep - only top physicists and yospos posters could understand it

Dave_Indeed
Feb 22, 2004

by FactsAreUseless
A kid on the school bus told me he stuck a firecracker in a cats butt and lit it and then the cat exploded into guts and blood everywhere. I think he was full of poo poo though.

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015


we gave 18 cats a canvas and a selection of high quality oil-based paints and asked them to paint in the style of dutch golden age painter rembrandt von rijn. 3 cats painted anarchy-syndicalist manifestoes with anthrax mixed into the paint. 6 cats didn't seem to understand the assignment and produced impressionist works in the vein of monet. the rest produced passable rembrandts, but the brushwork and chiaroscuro lacked subtlety. verdict: buncha dingdongs

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015


Dave_Indeed posted:

A kid on the school bus told me he stuck a firecracker in a cats butt and lit it and then the cat exploded into guts and blood everywhere. I think he was full of poo poo though.

smart cat imo. a big picture thinker

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015


we snipped the headphone wire of 14 cats on the subway, forcing them to buy new ones at the nearest electronics store, where a research assistant offered them the choice of beats by dre or bose quietcomfort. 11 cats immediately pounced upon the research assistant and disemboweled them with their hind claws, then after contemplating the matter left the store with beats by dre. the remaining 3 cats elected to constructed their own headphones out of tin cans and string. verdict: more research needed

Sperghetti
Apr 21, 2010

A question if I may sir, in this ridiculous theoretical fourth box/cat scenario, is there any way to guarantee the well-being of this box within the cat? It's as if, by quantum mechanical theory, there exists simultaneously two alternate realities wherein the box both remains undamaged and junky and soggy with cat innards.

Furthermore, it is dangerous and irresponsible to continue bandying about this ludicrous box-in-a-cat hypothesis until you can demonstrably reconcile this harebrained, fly-by-night theorizing with accepted, proven box/cat science! Until the safety and ethical treatment of our boxes can be guaranteed, I say good day sir!

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015


Sperghetti posted:

A question if I may sir, in this ridiculous theoretical fourth box/cat scenario, is there any way to guarantee the well-being of this box within the cat? It's as if, by quantum mechanical theory, there exists simultaneously two alternate realities wherein the box both remains undamaged and junky and soggy with cat innards.

Furthermore, it is dangerous and irresponsible to continue bandying about this ludicrous box-in-a-cat hypothesis until you can demonstrably reconcile this harebrained, fly-by-night theorizing with accepted, proven box/cat science! Until the safety and ethical treatment of our boxes can be guaranteed, I say good day sir!

we're constructing a box accelerator capable of slamming a box into a cat with the force of a thousand supernovas right now

Conch Shell Corp
Feb 24, 2009

if cats are so smart why are their owners always the worst and most pathetic examples of humans to exist?

reignofevil
Nov 7, 2008
Im Cat

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015



verdict: IDIOT

Tonsured
Jan 14, 2005

I came across mention of a Gnostic codex called The Unreal God and the Aspects of His Nonexistent Universe, an idea which reduced me to helpless laughter. What kind of person would write about something that he knows doesn't exist, and how can something that doesn't exist have aspects?
Cat Anecdote, maybe you can use it as a case study. Once I asked a cat where he lived and he just meowed at me I had to wait two hours for him to stop sunbathing, get up and go to his home which was a log and then the cat let me kick him in the ribs a few times till he gave me his dumb home as well. Anyway I gotta log out from here I think I have cat poo poo on my shirt

The Bananana
May 21, 2008

This is a metaphor, a Christian allegory. The fact that I have to explain to you that Jesus is the Warthog, and the Banana is drepanocytosis is just embarrassing for you.



Cats are gay

raton
Jul 28, 2003

by FactsAreUseless
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eshODE6wDzs

Dreddout
Oct 1, 2015

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.

The Bananana posted:

Cats are gay

Cenapussy is the straightest being on this green earth.

The Bananana
May 21, 2008

This is a metaphor, a Christian allegory. The fact that I have to explain to you that Jesus is the Warthog, and the Banana is drepanocytosis is just embarrassing for you.



Dreddout posted:

Cenapussy is the straightest being on this green earth.

Is that the cat version of John Cena?

CharlestonJew
Jul 7, 2011

Illegal Hen
Cats will ALWAYS buy the extended warranty they're fuckin retarded

Defiance
Jan 1, 2008

by Deplorable exmarx
yah sure they arent very good at tests and whatnot but theyre street smart andd thats what really counts in the end

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015



preliminary results are intriguing but i don't think we can come to any firm conclusions unless a cat encounters two workers carrying a sheet of transparent glass across the street as it's running away from an animal control officer who looks like snidely whiplash

MiracleWhale
Jun 30, 2015


CharlestonJew posted:

Cats will ALWAYS buy the extended warranty they're fuckin retarded

best buy employee: well, looks like everything's in order. your extended warranty is now active.
cat: that's great. <slowly pushes 55" tv off of checkout counter>

The Bananana
May 21, 2008

This is a metaphor, a Christian allegory. The fact that I have to explain to you that Jesus is the Warthog, and the Banana is drepanocytosis is just embarrassing for you.



MiracleWhale posted:

best buy employee: well, looks like everything's in order. your extended warranty is now active.
cat: that's great. <slowly pushes 55" tv off of checkout counter>
:eyepop:
(Is that covered?)

LethalGeek
Nov 4, 2009

Carts are stupid and make their owners stupid

raton
Jul 28, 2003

by FactsAreUseless

CharlestonJew posted:

Cats will ALWAYS buy the extended warranty they're fuckin retarded

My dad the cat

The Bananana
May 21, 2008

This is a metaphor, a Christian allegory. The fact that I have to explain to you that Jesus is the Warthog, and the Banana is drepanocytosis is just embarrassing for you.



Sheep-Goats posted:

My dad the cat

Coming next month, to fox

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Captain Splashback
Jan 1, 2007

BY APPOINTMENT TO HER MAJESTY
QUEEN ELIZABETH II
SPLASHBACK HOLDINGS LTD
PUCKINS AND PRINTERS PURVEYORS
This thread wins the nobel for 2016 imo

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