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fuck the ROW
Aug 29, 2008

by zen death robot

skeletonotherkin posted:

-Once ray was walking outside while the birds were singing. He loudly exclaimed. "shut up birds". The birds immediately silenced themselves and ray happily stated "I like obedient birds" .


lmao

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Mariana Horchata
Jun 30, 2008

College Slice
no drama, just quiet and awkward with everybody keeping to themselves most of the day with headphones on...ive worked in both types of environments and this seems slightly preferable tbh, i just wish i able to to know my coworkers more than the ppl that clean the toilets

i will say its a great place to come in to work hungover or high p much any day of the week



skeletonotherkin posted:

Let me tell you about a certain coworker of mine named Ray, who was a dim witted, drunken rear end in a top hat from philly.

-Claimed to have been to Spain, but he was hammered the entire time so he didn't remember any of it.

-Claimed to be able to "sober up" by simply doing pushups and splashing his face with water. Later openly admitted to drinking in the morning before coming into to work.

-Knocked over a couple filing cabinets by doing arm exercises off of them. When confronted with what he had done his response was "I thought that would happen, I shouldn't have supermaned it."

-Randomly mentioned he threw out it his back loving a fat chick.

-Stated that sometimes he thought he could see the future, but at the same time kind of doubted it because one time he crashed his bike into the side of a bus as it was making a corner.

-Had another bike accident in which he ran over someone. The guy was hospitalized, but Ray said it only happened because the guy was a fag.

-Would eat yogurt mixed with onion, garlic, and various spices .

-Also thought the yogurt dish along with greek salads were appropriate car food.

-Would loudly slurp down fruit punch from a gallon container, head tilted back, as you drove down the interstate.

-Once ray was walking outside while the birds were singing. He loudly exclaimed. "shut up birds". The birds immediately silenced themselves and ray happily stated "I like obedient birds" .

-Decided that urinating in an open field directly across from a shopping center, whilst standing next to a company vehicle complete with logo, was a wiser idea than waiting five minutes and using the restroom at the next jobsite.

-Again refused to wait till arriving at jobsite to use restroom. Without prior warning he jumped out of the vehicle while waiting at a railroad crossing and ran to a nearby burger king.

-Claimed he only wrecked his car, because after doing so many pushups the previous day, his arms were too tired to turn the wheel,

-While waiting for security clearance inside a sky scrapper loading dock, Ray thought it would perfectly fine to talk about terrorism and that security wouldn't mind if he cracked open his hard boiled eggs on the edge of their desks.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lx0iAmKDfxM

Mariana Horchata fucked around with this message at 00:37 on Jul 7, 2016

thathonkey
Jul 17, 2012
my workplace is pretty drama free it's good

i really attribute most of it to them not drug testing

Tlacuache
Jul 3, 2007
Cross my heart, smack me dead, stick a lobster on my head.


I used to work with gossipy old ladies who fought constantly over computer access.

Now I work from home. At least my cats don't throw screaming fits over Facebook access. Just screaming fits over couch space.

new phone who dis
May 24, 2007

by VideoGames
Morbid Hound
I work for the government on airplanes. Some of my co-workers:

1. Dude who is brothers with one of the big wigs, and a raging alcoholic. Drinks at the bowling alley at lunch every day. Comes in periodically after missing a few days having obviously been on a meth bender. Those occasions he's either still spun as gently caress or looks like 500 miles of bad road. We have to get a security clearance at work and he just barely eked by with 5 DUIs over about 20 years and some drug poo poo in his past because he admitted to everything on his record beforehand. Was eventually fired when he got his 6th DUI. Almost got re-hired a couple years later with a perfectly scoring resume until someone figured out who it was(they take the names off resumes to grade them). His job? Forklift operator.

2. Former Marine drill instructor who was forbidden from re-enlisting because he was abusing and hazing recruits too badly. If you know anything about the loving Marines that's a real accomplishment. Walking embodiment of a short guy complex, still treats people who allow it like they're recruits by yelling at them and running them down. He got a contractor fired and when the contractor returned to pick up his tool box he had a tiny little security lady in tow. Contractor guy, who was built like a linebacker, proceeded to beat the poo poo out of drill instructor guy while wearing security lady as a necklace until a group of 4 men managed to break it up. Drill instructor guy is still an rear end in a top hat, but somewhat more subdued.

3. A guy and his wife both work here. A guy in another building is loving that guy's wife. The angry husband challenges him to a fight after work at a nearby park. The husband gets his rear end kicked, doesn't divorce his old lady, and she still fucks that guy sometimes.

4. Two guys in management are both fooling around with the same lady in another building. They come to blows over it in a meeting with multiple big wigs from both our depot and the military present. Both men are married to other women who don't work here.

Nelson Mandingo
Mar 27, 2005



natetimm posted:

I work for the government on airplanes. Some of my co-workers:

1. Dude who is brothers with one of the big wigs, and a raging alcoholic. Drinks at the bowling alley at lunch every day. Comes in periodically after missing a few days having obviously been on a meth bender. Those occasions he's either still spun as gently caress or looks like 500 miles of bad road. We have to get a security clearance at work and he just barely eked by with 5 DUIs over about 20 years and some drug poo poo in his past because he admitted to everything on his record beforehand. Was eventually fired when he got his 6th DUI. Almost got re-hired a couple years later with a perfectly scoring resume until someone figured out who it was(they take the names off resumes to grade them). His job? Forklift operator.

2. Former Marine drill instructor who was forbidden from re-enlisting because he was abusing and hazing recruits too badly. If you know anything about the loving Marines that's a real accomplishment. Walking embodiment of a short guy complex, still treats people who allow it like they're recruits by yelling at them and running them down. He got a contractor fired and when the contractor returned to pick up his tool box he had a tiny little security lady in tow. Contractor guy, who was built like a linebacker, proceeded to beat the poo poo out of drill instructor guy while wearing security lady as a necklace until a group of 4 men managed to break it up. Drill instructor guy is still an rear end in a top hat, but somewhat more subdued.

3. A guy and his wife both work here. A guy in another building is loving that guy's wife. The angry husband challenges him to a fight after work at a nearby park. The husband gets his rear end kicked, doesn't divorce his old lady, and she still fucks that guy sometimes.

4. Two guys in management are both fooling around with the same lady in another building. They come to blows over it in a meeting with multiple big wigs from both our depot and the military present. Both men are married to other women who don't work here.

So wait what got the linebacker contractor to beat the poo poo out of the drill instructor? Kinda skipped that part besides the implication he gets pissy.

Also how could you show your face back at a job if your wife is cuckholdrying the hell out of you, you fight for your highschool honor, and you lose?

Hector Beerlioz
Jun 16, 2010

aw, hec

sithwitch13 posted:

I used to work with gossipy old ladies who fought constantly over computer access.

Don''t stop there, ding dong

skeletonotherkin
Sep 26, 2014

Mariana Horchata posted:

no drama, just quiet and awkward with everybody keeping to themselves most of the day with headphones on...ive worked in both types of environments and this seems slightly preferable tbh, i just wish i able to to know my coworkers more than the ppl that clean the toilets

i will say its a great place to come in to work hungover or high p much any day of the week


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lx0iAmKDfxM

Close. Ray was pretty much what would happen if you cross breed Ricky with Mac from sunny and dropped the infant a couple of times on its head.

bitmap
Aug 8, 2006

my job is so awesome that the only bad part is feeling sorry for people who gotta work bad jobs

new phone who dis
May 24, 2007

by VideoGames
Morbid Hound

Nelson Mandingo posted:

So wait what got the linebacker contractor to beat the poo poo out of the drill instructor? Kinda skipped that part besides the implication he gets pissy.

Also how could you show your face back at a job if your wife is cuckholdrying the hell out of you, you fight for your highschool honor, and you lose?

The drill instructor guy had got him fired by complaining to his boss. There's a weird second-class citizen thing going on at a lot of government jobs where contractors get hired alongside government employees to do the same job and it's used as a filtering process for new government hires and an ability to hire/fire flexibly because the government employee union makes it hard to fire people. That's also the reason married dude didn't quit his job. You don't walk away from 20+ years invested in a job with a pension, health benefits and decent pay because your wife sucks.

Some more:

1. A support personnel working nights leaves with the government truck at lunch time during his shift and never returns. His absence isn't noticed until the morning, when day shift can't find the truck and notice he's still clocked in. An alert is put out to the base police for both the truck and the employee. He's found about an hour later, inside the truck, keys in the ignition, empty bottle of Jack on the floor. He had it parked facing the bay, and had drunk the entire bottle of whiskey the night before at which point he passed out and pissed his pants. He got in trouble but continued to work there until he retired years later.

2. A guy is forklifting a jet engine down a hill and doesn't have it secured properly. The entire engine falls off his forks, smashed into the ground, and rolls down the asphalt hill. striking the curb at the bottom. The multi-million dollar engine is ruined. He freaks out, parks the lift right there, runs to his car and drives home. Nobody hears from him for a few days until his boss goes out to his house to check on him. He's allowed to come back to work and actually ended up retiring from there as well, because he was just doing as instructed and there was no SOP on file for forklifting engines at the time. They had always done it that way, they just were lucky/careful.

3. There was a time there was no cell phone service at the flight line due to it's relatively remote location, and this was during a time before they were super prevalent. Lots of guys only had a way to call home because of the pay phone located in the building. This was made difficult by a base cop who would cruise out there and get on the phone for entire shifts at a time talking to his girlfriends or whatever. This pissed a lot of guys off. In revenge, they opened all 4 doors to his cruiser, turned on his spinning lights, let the air out of all 4 tires and then called the cops and said it looked like there was a wrecked cop car with it's spinners on outside the flight line. They responded like it was the end of the world, only to get out there and find dipshit still on the phone, oblivious to the state of his cruiser. He never came back again.

Dr. Steve Brule
Mar 8, 2010
Did you know that if someone sneaks up behind you while your sitting at your cube listening to music, that you can laugh about it and tell them you're going to put a bell around their neck?

However, if the co-worker that scares the poo poo out of you is a "little person", you will be reported to HR!

This same "little person" sneaks up to the admin assistant's desk to take candy out of her candy jar, but never announces her presence or says a word. So the admin assistant just sees a fistful of little sausage fingers poking through the dish. But HR seriously set up a meeting with three of us to discuss "tolerance"!

It's bullshit!

Rubellavator
Aug 16, 2007

natetimm posted:

The drill instructor guy had got him fired by complaining to his boss. There's a weird second-class citizen thing going on at a lot of government jobs where contractors get hired alongside government employees to do the same job and it's used as a filtering process for new government hires and an ability to hire/fire flexibly because the government employee union makes it hard to fire people. That's also the reason married dude didn't quit his job. You don't walk away from 20+ years invested in a job with a pension, health benefits and decent pay because your wife sucks.

I'm a civilian by most people's definition of the word, but for some reason the Army decided that only those who hold government jobs can be referred to as civilians, the rest of us are lowly contractors.

new phone who dis
May 24, 2007

by VideoGames
Morbid Hound

argondamn posted:

I'm a civilian by most people's definition of the word, but for some reason the Army decided that only those who hold government jobs can be referred to as civilians, the rest of us are lowly contractors.

Yeah, it's even on your CAC card and everything. It's basically shorthand for federal employee. I was a contractor for 8 years before I finally got a good government offer. I'm glad it finally happened but goddamn do I wish I had that 8 years to add to my retirement.

JiveHonky
May 12, 2001

by zen death robot
Grimey Drawer
jonat sneak a kiss with maynin

the coffee wwas no longer hot

dringa promoted manager:

stamsi spread the rumors

strange smell from copy machin

harassment of greta recently deceased

ghost host
Apr 17, 2010

ain't got no cash
ain't go no style
A girl with a speech impediment told me her parents gave her $10k when she finished college and she blew it all on Facebook games

new phone who dis
May 24, 2007

by VideoGames
Morbid Hound

diabeetz posted:

A girl with a speech impediment told me her parents gave her $10k when she finished college and she blew it all on Facebook games

Could have gone to Vegas and had a way better lost it all to stupid gambling story.

City of Tampa
May 6, 2007

by zen death robot

Dr. Steve Brule posted:

Did you know that if someone sneaks up behind you while your sitting at your cube listening to music, that you can laugh about it and tell them you're going to put a bell around their neck?

However, if the co-worker that scares the poo poo out of you is a "little person", you will be reported to HR!

This same "little person" sneaks up to the admin assistant's desk to take candy out of her candy jar, but never announces her presence or says a word. So the admin assistant just sees a fistful of little sausage fingers poking through the dish. But HR seriously set up a meeting with three of us to discuss "tolerance"!

It's bullshit!

i would love to have a mischievous little person at my work, you should put some candy in a jar too so it will come to your desk more often

Fried Watermelon
Dec 29, 2008


I'm causing people to quit because I audit their sales and found that they were giving certain clients thousands of dollars in discounts without having any reason

I know how to do math and I work in the construction industry so that creates some drama of them thinking I just make poo poo up that they can never check

Grandma Panic!
Nov 4, 2006

Healthy Nut Snack posted:

What's the etiquette on cucking coworkers? This guy I work with keeps badgering me about boning his wife, but I've been putting it off because I don't want this to blow up in my face, and next thing I know I'm sitting in the conference room with HR.

this is ur chance to move up dumbass

Grandma Panic!
Nov 4, 2006
i work with "at-risk" teenagers and they keep offering me weed and coke and drugs and blowjobs (they have 21st century names for them though it took me a while to parse it).
In any case i want all those things but i want to keep my job more.

Zombiepop
Mar 30, 2010
I was the only guy at a old folks home, for old folks with dementia. The rest of staff was ladies either under 25 or over 50. The drama was kept on a DL, since we worked in pairs.
But these ladies were fierce, the middle manager was "a oval office" since she moved up from the floor according to them. P much everyone was racist, which was not fun for the brown muslim summerworker.
Also some blatant sexism regarding male intelligence, and sexual performance in later life. (like laughing at the patients dicks or refusing to clean it). My first months there everyone treated me like their dumb lazy teenage son. I really had to work my rear end off to impress those ladies.

social vegan
Nov 7, 2014



hr keeps bargingin into the toilet while i'm washing my dick and telling me I can't wash the suds off my dick we're under water surveillance and the soaping is ok but we can't afford to give up the water 2 rinse i have a soap dick crust and an itch but i love what i do for a living

paul_soccer10
Mar 28, 2016

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Hector Beerlioz posted:

Please share stories, soccer10

guy next to me has a voice that pierces noise-canceling over-ear headphones, shatters glass
other guy can't stop grunting and snorting
i work in a building full of pathetic degenerates and im one

Jerry Mumphrey
Mar 11, 2004

by zen death robot

(and can't post for 4 years!)

JiveHonky posted:

jonat sneak a kiss with maynin

the coffee wwas no longer hot

dringa promoted manager:

stamsi spread the rumors

strange smell from copy machin

harassment of greta recently deceased

holy poo poo are we co-workers?? :tinfoil:

Pump it up! Do it!
Oct 3, 2012
I work in IT-support with a couple of guys and two of them really hates it there, one of them have worked there for 8 years and the other for 30 and whenever one of them isn't around the other one bitches about him. I understand why they hate their jobs though since they have to provide support for the retarded advertisement department.

Moltke
May 13, 2009
I've found that enjoyment of my workplace correlates positively with being less chummy with my coworkers. We don't talk and we never have happy hours. I could see working here for years.

Sex Falcon
Jun 4, 2013

:parrot: :parrot: :parrot: :parrot:

skeletonotherkin posted:

Let me tell you about a certain coworker of mine named Ray, who was a dim witted, drunken rear end in a top hat from philly.

-Claimed to have been to Spain, but he was hammered the entire time so he didn't remember any of it.

-Claimed to be able to "sober up" by simply doing pushups and splashing his face with water. Later openly admitted to drinking in the morning before coming into to work.

-Knocked over a couple filing cabinets by doing arm exercises off of them. When confronted with what he had done his response was "I thought that would happen, I shouldn't have supermaned it."

-Randomly mentioned he threw out it his back loving a fat chick.

-Stated that sometimes he thought he could see the future, but at the same time kind of doubted it because one time he crashed his bike into the side of a bus as it was making a corner.

-Had another bike accident in which he ran over someone. The guy was hospitalized, but Ray said it only happened because the guy was a fag.

-Would eat yogurt mixed with onion, garlic, and various spices .

-Also thought the yogurt dish along with greek salads were appropriate car food.

-Would loudly slurp down fruit punch from a gallon container, head tilted back, as you drove down the interstate.

-Once ray was walking outside while the birds were singing. He loudly exclaimed. "shut up birds". The birds immediately silenced themselves and ray happily stated "I like obedient birds" .

-Decided that urinating in an open field directly across from a shopping center, whilst standing next to a company vehicle complete with logo, was a wiser idea than waiting five minutes and using the restroom at the next jobsite.

-Again refused to wait till arriving at jobsite to use restroom. Without prior warning he jumped out of the vehicle while waiting at a railroad crossing and ran to a nearby burger king.

-Claimed he only wrecked his car, because after doing so many pushups the previous day, his arms were too tired to turn the wheel,

-While waiting for security clearance inside a sky scrapper loading dock, Ray thought it would perfectly fine to talk about terrorism and that security wouldn't mind if he cracked open his hard boiled eggs on the edge of their desks.

Sounds like he posts in GBS tbqh

Onkel Hedwig
Jun 27, 2007


bitmap posted:

my job is so awesome that the only bad part is feeling sorry for people who gotta work bad jobs

Yeah, me too.

The only thing remotely resembling drama was that somebody would make a mess in the mens restroom by missiing the urinal.

(It was me)

FedEx Mercury
Jan 7, 2004

Me bad posting? That's unpossible!
Lipstick Apathy
I don't say more than five words to my coworkers and I don't initiate conversations so I am immune from drama. However I'll probably get fired for being the weird guy who doesn't like talking about inane poo poo to avoid work.

City of Tampa
May 6, 2007

by zen death robot
somebody keeps wiping boogers on the wall in the toilet stall and I took one and rubbed it on a piece of steel and it kinda polished it, so I jokingly blamed the guy that works in the metal polishing room and now he won't talk to me

paul_soccer10
Mar 28, 2016

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

City of Tampa posted:

somebody keeps wiping boogers on the wall in the toilet stall and I took one and rubbed it on a piece of steel and it kinda polished it, so I jokingly blamed the guy that works in the metal polishing room and now he won't talk to me
what is wrong with you
you did this with someone elses booger or your own??????????????

thathonkey
Jul 17, 2012
cubicles are the worst invention for modern workers ever to be conceived

City of Tampa
May 6, 2007

by zen death robot

paul_soccer10 posted:

what is wrong with you
you did this with someone elses booger or your own??????????????

it's someone else's booger, I don't wipe my boogers on the wall that's gross

also I had gloves on, i didn't barehand some strange booger. I'm a machinist so I always have gloves and so does everyone else that works here. the coolant that the machines use is gnarly

PallasAthene
Dec 6, 2010

Why, vixen, have you again set the gods by the ears in the pride and haughtiness of your heart?

thathonkey posted:

cubicles are the worst invention for modern workers ever to be conceived

How come? I've never worked in one, but I thought it would isolate you from annoying coworkers pretty well.

paul_soccer10
Mar 28, 2016

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

City of Tampa posted:

it's someone else's booger, I don't wipe my boogers on the wall that's gross

also I had gloves on, i didn't barehand some strange booger. I'm a machinist so I always have gloves and so does everyone else that works here. the coolant that the machines use is gnarly

disgusting

Captain Yossarian
Feb 24, 2011

All new" Rings of Fire"

Classic Adam

FedEx Mercury
Jan 7, 2004

Me bad posting? That's unpossible!
Lipstick Apathy

PallasAthene posted:

How come? I've never worked in one, but I thought it would isolate you from annoying coworkers pretty well.

The way most of them work they are just lovely little walls where you can hear every conversation in the office, plus the back is open so anybody walking past can see what's in your screen.

Inzombiac
Mar 19, 2007

PARTY ALL NIGHT

EAT BRAINS ALL DAY


I work in a tiny office and everyone knows each other pretty well.
The one person who constantly tries to stir up poo poo is always shunned and they can't figure out why no one wants to be their friend.

PureEvil6_13
Jun 1, 2004

I LIKE PETA AND THINK THAT SCIENCE IS EVIL
One guy once brought two separate steam cookers to work and proceeded to cook a salmon in one and rice in the other. . .in his small cubicle.

Same guy when to the mini mart during his lunch and bought a sixer of tall boy beers. Set them on his desk when he came back from lunch.

Another dude pissed on the carpet underneath the desk of a girl the didn't like, and a different guy peed on her chair.

A girl in another department used to send me racy pictures of herself just because I once mentioned to a friend of hers that she was pretty hot.

I walked into a physicians office once and saw two bottles of scotch in a cabinet drawer, a pack of Beechnut and half of cup of tobacco spit on his desk.

People are always making GBS threads all over the walls.

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A ILL BREAKFAST
Jun 9, 2007

*unsheathes katana*
i work from home so as to avoid any and all potential human interaction, save for the bi-monthly conference call. its worked out pretty well so far. i no longer have to smell other peoples farts either

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