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Here is a silly story I wrote recently. English isn't my native language, so I'm particularly interested in knowing if there are any awkward turns of phrase that sound like something a native speaker would never write. I'm trying to improve my English writing skills, so I can someday submit something to an English language journal. ------------------------ Keshi Yena “Cheese”, said the sign outside the store, with big stout letters. Martin hadn’t been thinking about cheese when he went out for a walk, but why not? The doorbell rang as he stepped into the store. “Give me a goat cheese,” he said to the clerk. “The strongest goat cheese you have!” “Why goat cheese?” asked the clerk; a tall lanky man with curly light-blond hair. “We have many other fine cheeses. You can try them, if you want.” Our hero considered the question, but couldn’t think of an answer. “I’m not quite sure,” he admitted. “I just had this sudden craving for goat cheese, as I walked by and saw your sign. I don’t think I’ve ever had it before, so it’s pretty strange, really.” The tall lanky guy with the curly light-blond hair shrugged. “If you’ve never had it, you should give it a chance. You can never know what cheese you like best until you’ve tried them all.” “Is that why you got a job at a cheese store?” “No, I took the job to share this knowledge with others. And to pay for my studies. I’m majoring in aerospace engineering. Here is your cheese.” He pushed a package across the counter. ------------------------ “I’m home, Linda!” he yelled, as he stepped through the door. “What’s that under your arm?” asked Linda. “I thought you were just going for a walk?” “It’s cheese! The strongest goat cheese they had. I visited the cheese store down at the corner. Did you ever notice that one?” “No.” “Me neither, but it’s there. I think their cheese is good.” “I didn’t realize you were such a cheese connoisseur.” He put the package down on the dinner table. “I’m usually not, but maybe I just never realized how many different cheeses there are. I am giving it a shot, anyway.” “Just don’t ruin your appetite. You promised to cook.” In the kitchen, he unwrapped the cheese. White and creamy. He applied a layer to a loaf of bread, took a bite, and opened his eyes wide. This was certainly different than the bland stuff they sold in Aldi. A strong salty flavor, which really caused his taste buds to awaken. “You have to taste this, honey”. He put down a plate of goat cheese sandwiches in front of Linda. She turned up her nose, but took a bite anyway. “Yuck! Sorry, but I’m not into salty stuff like that. You can keep it. Haven’t you started on dinner yet? It’s half past five already.” “Ok, ok, I’ll get started.” He put goat cheese in the pasta sauce. “Did you put goat cheese in the pasta sauce,” asked Linda. “Yeah, I thought I would try something new. What do you think?” “Well, I didn’t like it on bread, and I don’t like it in the pasta sauce either.” Martin nodded. “I think you’re right. I liked it on bread, but it doesn’t really go well with the sauce.” ------------------------ “Do you have a cheese that goes well with pasta sauce?” he asked, the next morning at the cheese store. “The goat cheese wasn’t a good fit, that’s for sure.” The tall lanky guy with the curly light-blond hair was still manning the counter. “Well, parmesan is great with pasta sauce. You just sprinkle it on top.” ------------------------ “Honey, where is our cheese grater?” he asked, after returning home. “What do you need that for? You know it’s my turn to cook today, right? Please tell me you didn’t buy more cheese.” He poured a pile of packages onto the dinner table. “I’ve got it all! Both Parmigiano-Reggiano and Grana Padano.” “What the hell does that mean?” “Well…. They’re different types of cheese! We’ll expand our horizon. And they are supposed to be a perfect fit for pasta sauce.” “But we are not having pasta today! I’m making Cordon bleu. And I already bought the cheese.” She placed a large yellow brick on the table. Standard supermarket cheese. “But… We’ve had that cheese a hundred times before.” “YES! So we know it’s good. What’s up with you?” She kissed him on the cheek. “Sorry, honey. You’ve just been acting weird lately. You can just relax on the couch now, and I’ll cook our dinner.” He took the parmesan with him, put the packages on the couch table, and sat down. When his turn came, he would make a cheese dish to blow her mind. ------------------------ The next day he entered the cheese store once more, only a few minutes after it opened. “I need a cheese to blow the mind of my girl,” he told the lanky clerk. “She is used to boring supermarket cheeses, so it must be both traditional and exciting. If it’s too special, she won’t touch it, and if it’s too normal, it makes no difference. And I need to be able to use it in some kind of dinner dish. Serving raw cheese for dinner probably won’t make me popular.” The clerk nodded. “I understand. May I recommend ‘Keshi Yena’, a Caribbean dish consisting of a large ball of cheese stuffed with spicy meat? I recommend using chicken meat. The cheese is typically Gouda or Edam, so the dish is not overly exotic in the cheesy sense. For dessert, you can serve apricots with smoked cheese, wrapped in bacon. “Eh… Ok. That sounds great, but I don’t really know how to make any of that stuff.” The clerk’s face lit up with a broad smile. “No worries. I have just what you need.” He reached beneath the counter and took out a large square book. The front page showed a collage of all the cheeses in the world. The title: “Cheesecipes”. “That might be the worst pun I’ve ever seen.” “Agreed,” said the clerk. “But you shouldn’t judge a book on its cover, much less its title. The author is not a great titlemonger, but he is a fantastic cheese cook. If you follow the recipes, I can almost guarantee that your girl will become as big a cheese fan as the two of us.” “You’ve convinced me. I’ll take the book, and also give me one of each of the cheeses from the front page. I don’t want to run out of ingredients.” The clerk laughed and wrapped one of his curls around his right index finger. “I like you!” ------------------------ That night, he served Keshi Yena. Linda looked for a long time at the large yellow blob on the plate. He waited for her reaction with bated breath. The air was so thick with tension, that you could cut it. Like cutting slices off a hunk of cheese. An airy cheese. Where was I? Right: “What. On. Earth. Is. That?” asked Linda. “It’s Keshi Yena,” he said. “A traditional Caribbean dish consisting of a ball of cheese filled with-“ “A BALL. You want me to eat a ball? I thought you were making pizza.” “Yeah, but I was afraid if I told you the truth, you wouldn’t taste it. Come on, give it a try. It’s fantastic!” “Really? You’ve had this before?” “No, but that’s what it says in the book.” “The book? What book?” “’Cheesecipes’. It’s a recipe book for cheese dishes. I bought it in the store. Yes, I know the title is silly, but the recipes all look amazing.” She rolled her eyes. “Undoubtedly, but I prefer having something I know I like.” “Come on, taste it. I’m sure you’ll like it.” Linda folded her hands and looked at the yellow blob, like a surgeon considering an unusually malignant tumor. “Where are you going, honey?” She was heading for the door. “I’m getting pizza. That’s what we agreed on having.” The door shut with a nearly inaudible click, and that’s when he knew it was over. She hadn’t even bothered to slam the door, like she usually did after an argument. He ate the Keshi Yena by himself. It was fantastic. ------------------------ The next day, he slammed “Cheesecipes” down on the counter in the cheese store. “I made the Keshi Yena like you said, and she wouldn’t even touch it! She never even got to see the smoked cheese bacon apricots!” The curly-haired clerk shook his head slowly, while chewing on a stick of cheese. “I’m afraid there is little hope for her, then. If she won’t taste such an evidently inviting dish, she is too stuck in her existing eating habits. Culinary compatibility is essential in a long term relationship. Without it, there is no reason to bother.” Martin nodded. “I suppose you are right, but how do you find the right partner, then? Cheesedating.com?” “If only!” said the clerk, and laughed. “No, I am afraid the problem goes deeper than that. There are simply very few cheese enthusiasts left. Cheesecipes sold less than 500 copies.” Martin put both his hands on the counter. “Then we must work to reverse this trend.” The clerk shook his curly-haired head. “I’ve tried, but I think it’s too late. Fewer people visit the store every year, purchasing less interesting cheeses. I have decided to try a new strategy. If people won’t come to the cheese, the cheese must come to them.” “You mean there are more cheese enthusiasts in other countries?” “To some degree, yes,” said the clerk, as he unwrapped another cheese stick. “But even in those places, the trend is the same. No, I have another idea entirely. Let me show you.” He pushed a button beneath the counter, and the entire back wall of the store descended into the floor, revealing what appeared to be an empty storage room. Walls of grey concrete enclosing a concrete floor lit by a lonely naked light bulb hanging from the ceiling. In the center of the room, a large grey metallic cone emerged from a circular hole in the floor. A square grey hatch with a white handle was attached to the side of the cone. “Is that what I think it is?” said Martin. The clerk raised his arms high in the air. “It’s the tip of a rocket ship! I had to expand the basement to make it fit, but it all worked out in the end.” “Do cheese clerks often build rocket ships?” “I told you I was majoring in aerospace engineering, remember?” “Oh, right.” “Come, let me give you a tour.” The clerk approached the rocket, turned the handle, and the hatch opened with a faint hissing sound. The inside was filled with multicolored lights from blinking lamps attached to disparate control panels. Two white leather swiveling chairs occupied the floor. From the control room at the top of the rocket, they climbed a metal ladder down to a residential room containing two bunks, a sink, two lockers, a wooden chair, a bathroom enclosure, and a round white table supporting a potted red geranium. “Room for two,” said the clerk and smiled. “But the best is yet to come.” The next room down was the cheese room. Shrink-wrapped cheeses of all sizes and sorts covered the shelves circling the walls. The variety was uncountable. They should have sent a poet. “The room below is also a cheese room,” proclaimed the curly-haired clerk. “Impossible!” said Martin, eyes agape. “Every conceivable type of cheese has to be here.” The clerk smiled. “You will have many chances to broaden your sense of conception.” Martin took a deep breath and relaxed. “Are there any other rooms?” “Yes, the bottommost room contains cheese crackers.” “Ah.” The clerk took Martin’s hand. “You may have noticed that there are two chairs in the control room. Like we discussed, it’s hard to find partners who share our love of cheese.” Martin held his breath. “I want you to come with me,” said the clerk. “Together, we will bring cheese to the cosmos!” Martin put his other hand on top of the clerk’s, forming a hand sandwich. “Of course.” No further words were necessary. The climbed the ladders in silence. They sat down in the white leather swiveling chairs, surrounded by blinking lights. The clerk pushed a button and a rumbling sound seemed to emerge from all around them, the vibrations from the rocket sending chills down Martin’s spine. Without thinking, he leaned over the edge of the chair, and their lips met in the empty space between them. In the clerk’s saliva, he tasted the salty flavor of goat cheese, the firm texture and mild creamy moistness of mozzarella, and the rich, buttery softness of camembert; like a carnal Keshi Yena with warm tongue filling. The trip would not be boring.
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Jul 30, 2016 16:04
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| # ? Apr 18, 2024 05:55 |
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This was a charming, competent story. It was ridiculous, but I liked it. I thought "they should have sent a poet" was funny. If you hadn't told me, I might not have guessed that English wasn't your native language. I see tinges of it, but more from how stiff some of the dialogue feels than any truly awkward turns of phrase. On a sentence level, your writing is better than a lot of the people that stumble into the Thunderdome thread. The ending was sort of a distraction from what I thought was the main point of the story--this man's obsession with cheese vs. his love for his wife. I didn't like that there wasn't any sort of hesitancy for him in terms of leaving his wife behind and literally flying to space in a rocket stuffed with cheese, but hey, if you're going to go off the rails, go all the way off the rails. The ending would have worked better if it felt like he had to make more of a choice, if there was more at stake. It just felt like by the end, you found a story you liked better than the domestic unrest at the beginning. Keep at it, man. And keep thinking about what your characters want, even if they're not the main character. Maybe it's more than just cheese.
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Aug 9, 2016 05:26
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Thank you for the kind words  . Learning to write characters who have emotions and don't sound like they are reading aloud from the script is definitely my top priority right now. I tend to focus on an idea, and just write characters around that, but I should probably try give them more of an individual life.
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Aug 10, 2016 20:02
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This was good! It had a breezy style that left me thinking "Why am I enjoying reading this?" Most of the content really should be kind of boring but you make it work somehow. Strangely enough it reminded me a little bit of Haruki Murakami - although his writing is not really comedic, it's somewhat similar in the way the characters talk and the small odd details such as the name of the book or the description of Keshi Yena. I only noticed two (minor) phrases that might not sound like native english. "Nearly inaudible click" sounds off to me, I would write "barely audible" instead. And 'residential room' doesn't sound right in that context... you would probably want to write "living room" or maybe "living quarters" since it is a spaceship. I wish I could offer more critical feedback. I feel like this story was unambitious but did very well for what it was trying to do. I don't think I will remember it for very long, but I didn't hate reading it like a lot of amateur writing. So my advice would be to aim higher with your next story. Write something with more complex concepts or higher stakes.
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Aug 23, 2016 06:08
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Wow, this is the first time someone has compared my writing to Haruki Murakami! Thanks . I'll try to think of a stakier concept for my next story.
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Aug 24, 2016 08:57
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| # ? Apr 18, 2024 05:55 |
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Just wanted to say I enjoyed this. "Charming and competent" like the first person said I feel are apt to describe this. Since the aim was ridiculousness, maybe it would have been funnier if he actually chose cheese over her, rather than her leaving because she didn't want to eat the blob. Still, it was funny and I'm glad it ended gay.
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Sep 5, 2016 02:24
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