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In the spirit of Deadspin's Why Your Team Sucks NFL season previews, a number of MLB people expressed an interest in compiling reasons to root against MLB teams. You can write about your own team and why you hate them (Welcome, Cubs fans!), or your team's rivals, or teams that you just hate (like the Cardinals). Let's begin! Why Your Team Sucks 2016: The St. Louis Cardinals
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Aug 16, 2016 06:27
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Why you should hate the 2016 Chicago Cubs: We play country hardball.  We sold our soul to Satan to hopefully win a World Series.  One of our catchers is disabled and can still throw you out at second.  Now that we are a team of thugs all members have prison tattoos to keep up our tough image.  Like I said we play country hardball...don't like it? Go play in Canada you pussy.  We are going to win the World Series and there isn't a drat thing you or the Cardinals can do about it.  Mr. McGibblets fucked around with this message at 07:09 on Aug 16, 2016 |
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Aug 16, 2016 06:35
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Why I Hate The St. Louis Cardinals   I could make a higher effort post, but I found these pictures to make a joke post about how much I hate Matt Holliday and his giant stupid loving head, and then JGB made a thread, so now I'm just gonna post it here. Namaste. I eagerly await a Piratesgoon response about Chris Coghlan.
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Aug 16, 2016 06:49
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Why I Hate the Braves and You Should Too John Rocker.  Hateable face, even more hateable opinions. John Rocker, in a 1999 SI interview, posted:"So many dumb asses don't know how to drive in this town," he says, Billy Joel's New York State of Mind humming softly from the radio. "They turn from the wrong lane. They go 20 miles per hour. It makes me want -- Look! Look at this idiot! I guarantee you she's a Japanese woman." A beige Toyota is jerking from lane to lane. The woman at the wheel is white. "How bad are Asian women at driving?" quote:Imagine having to take the [Number] 7 train to the ballpark, looking like you're [riding through] Beirut next to some kid with purple hair next to some queer with AIDS right next to some dude who just got out of jail for the fourth time right next to some 20-year-old mom with four kids. It's depressing. quote:The biggest thing I don't like about New York are the foreigners. I'm not a very big fan of foreigners. quote:"I'm not a racist or prejudiced person," he says with apparent conviction. "But certain people bother me." quote:In passing, he calls an overweight black teammate "a fat monkey." He also defended the use of homophobic slurs, said that the Holocaust could have been prevented if Germans had guns, and is apparently immune to sensitivity training. He currently writes for WorldNet Daily and is presumably still a giant chode. Chipper Jones.  Pros:
Cons:
https://twitter.com/RealCJ10/status/364908440885280768 The Tomahawk chop.  Self-explanatory. In summation, gently caress the Braves.
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Aug 16, 2016 13:39
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Your Team: The Houston Astros Your 2015 Record: 86-76 After years of being a complete joke of a baseball team, the Astros shot out of the gate in 2015, at one point the most sure thing division winner in baseball. They proceeded to give their fans the finger by making GBS threads away the lead with a terrible September in which they went 11-16 and allowed the Texas Rangers to shellack them and take the division lead. Oh, and they went 33-48 on the road for the season, a ludicrously terrible performance. They were also below .500 from June to the end of the season. But playoffs! Hurray! You beat a disinterested Yankees team in the wild card game! You're a game away from advancing to the ALCS! You've got a 4 run lead in the 8th, you can't possibly blow thi https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_tEmifGMbN0 Oh right, the Disastros. Oh well, there's always next year. Sports Illustrated says so! Your Manager: AJ Hinch. The guy never met a lineup he didn't like. He changes the lineup so often that one has to wonder if he's even aware of who he's putting in or just throwing darts at a printout of the 25 man roster. Batting Colby Rasmus cleanup, what a genius! So what if he has a .638 OPS and has struck out in nearly a third of his plate appearances. But to be fair, he got off to a torrid start to the season, which means he's actually playing much worse than his slash would have you believe. Unfortunately for him, his three hits since July 2 didn't do much to help the team and now he's on the DL for likely the rest of his Astros career. But don't worry, there are plenty of other hitters hovering around the Mendoza Line that can be plugged in! Especially at left field, first base and DH, positions that thankfully aren't really expected to contribute much offensively. What's New That Sucks: That Alex Bregman kid sure it a can't miss, isn't he? He just goes and destroys every level he plays at. SURPRISE 30 OPS+, MO FO. But at least there's AJ Reed, the top first base prospect in baseball. Sure he struggled a bit when he was first called up, but after going back to AAA and destroying baseballs like a man possessed, he seems to have found a new lease on- haha surprise! His slash is .172/.273/.241 since getting back to the show! Meanwhile Chris Carter may not be lighting the world on fire in Milwaukee, but he's still dinging dongs and hitting far better than any first baseman the Astros can come up with. Maybe they'll have a theme night where people from the stands can come take an AB as the first baseman. But at least the Astros were able to save $6 million by non tendering Carter, money they needed because they gave Colby Rasmus $15 million. Good times! If you were to ask every MLB GM who he'd rather have on his roster, Rasmus or Carter, he'd punch you in the dick and call you a dumb motherfucker What Has Always Sucked: The Astros have been a complete garbage fire of an organization for years now, the fact that they had one slightly above average season suddenly turned the city into complete amnesiacs who can't seem to remember that this is a team that has never really won anything worth winning. They've only been to the World Series once in their history and have won zero games. They get bounced from the playoffs the like a five year old on a moonwalk. It took them 42 years to win a playoff series for the first time, only to watch their World Series hopes fly away in the form of an Albert Pujols homerun that was launched to loving space. That ball is still orbiting the earth, smashing into satellites and loving up my cell phone reception. Thanks a lot, Astros. They would limp their way into the World Series the following year, and that's the sum total of the Astros postseason success. Two years, three series wins, zero wins in the World Series itself. No, I don't count a wild card one game playoff. That's dumb bullshit. What Might Not Suck: Jose Altuve is a tiny baseball god and a joy to watch hit. Joe Musgrove gives the team hope that the completely disintegration of Dallas Keuchel's talent isn't going to gently caress over the pitching staff forever. Musgrove and McCullers could be a pretty potent 1-2 combination in whatever order. Let's remember some Astros Glenn Wilson Charlie Kerfeld (the man who got paid in Jello) Ken Caminiti Lee May (traded Joe Morgan to get him) Tommy Helms (traded Joe Morgan to get him) Can't really simulate hearing it from Astros fans, so anyone who want to, chime in I guess Intruder fucked around with this message at 19:33 on Aug 16, 2016 |
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Aug 16, 2016 18:38
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YeahTubaMike posted:Why I Hate the Braves and You Should Too I don't know how you can make this list and leave out that the Braves' business practice is a how-to in hoodwinking towns into spending taxpayer money on stupid, financially ruinous stadiums. And that's before the grand white-flight adventure that is the Cobb County Braves. Also Chip Caray and Joe Simpson may be the worst TV broadcast pair in all baseball.
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Aug 17, 2016 03:40
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elentar posted:I don't know how you can make this list and leave out that the Braves' business practice is a how-to in hoodwinking towns into spending taxpayer money on stupid, financially ruinous stadiums. And that's before the grand white-flight adventure that is the Cobb County Braves. Pretty sure this is just grandfathered in on the basis that every other sports team has been doing it for a few decades now. You're just yelling at a wall at this point.
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Aug 17, 2016 03:44
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theacox posted:Pretty sure this is just grandfathered in on the basis that every other sports team has been doing it for a few decades now. You're just yelling at a wall at this point. I'm having trouble finding good data, but when I went on a tour of Busch Stadium they mentioned it was almost completely privately financed, and I remember hearing that AT&T Park was as well. Are there any other parks that are, or are they all public rip-offs like in Atlanta and Arlington?
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Aug 17, 2016 03:55
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theacox posted:Pretty sure this is just grandfathered in on the basis that every other sports team has been doing it for a few decades now. You're just yelling at a wall at this point. No, they're pretty demonstrably worse.
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Aug 17, 2016 03:58
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elentar posted:I don't know how you can make this list and leave out that the Braves' business practice is a how-to in hoodwinking towns into spending taxpayer money on stupid, financially ruinous stadiums. And that's before the grand white-flight adventure that is the Cobb County Braves. I made that list not knowing anything about any of those things. It's easy enough to hate the Braves without knowing any of those things, and I should know.
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Aug 17, 2016 17:07
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Let's remember some Rangers (because this is the funnest part of these): Mike Lamb Rod Barajas Joaquin Arias Ramon Nivar Donnie Sadler Kevin Mench
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Aug 17, 2016 19:18
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Your Team: The Cleveland Indians Your 2015 record:81-80, 3rd in AL Central Your manager: Tito Francona What's New that sucks: This is a squad that, in the 1990's, had a habit of winning games 10-7, until they got to the playoffs and faced good pitchers who gave a gently caress. The newest wrinkle is now they have very good pitching. But they have trouble manufacturing runs consistently. This is partly because while in the 90's the ownership was very willing to spend money, they're now cheap motherfuckers who, when presented with the opportunity to retain Jim Thome, arguably one of the 5 best players in team history and definitely one of the most beloved by simply matching the offer Philadelphia presented to him, they balked. This was the beginning of the end of the Indians as contenders, and they wandered through the wilderness for a long while after that. The Tribe also lead off their lineup with Carlos Santana, a man who runs like a duck and is a sub .250 hitter, thankfully, he draws a lot of walks. He also can't play guitar for poo poo. What has always sucked: This is a team so historically bad, Hollywood made two funny comedies about their shittiness. And there have been years where I think I'd prefer the guy who played manager Lou Brown to the parade of dipshits that have managed this club. Mike Hargrove can eat my rear end in a top hat, after being given incredible, once in a lifetime offensive talent and accomplishing next to nothing with it. Charlie Manuel was useless, although Phillies fans may disagree. Jon Lucroy didn't wanna play here, probably because the place is a legenadary shithole, that inspires quotes from Bob Uecker like "I went through Cleveland one weekend, and it was closed". Also, one of the most heartbreaking moments in team history, their 1997 loss to the Miami Marlins, came at least partly because macho rapist piece of poo poo Jose Mesa couldn't nail down the lead provided to him, and the Indians lost in extra innings. You will never be able to be a fraction of the man or player Steve Olin was, you scumbag choke artist. And of course, there's the logo/name. Holy poo poo, just change it. Even re-naming them the Spiders would be okay. Anything but that loving logo. At this point, I'd settle for the Cleveland Drew Careys. When I bought my Kenny Lofton jersey, I had to make sure it at least didn't have the logo on it. What might Not Suck: Corey Kluber is a terrific pitcher, Mike Napoli is pounding the ball like it owes him money, and we have a very good bullpen. The Indians have a legit shot at making the WS this year. Let's remember some Indians: Willie Upshaw Jerry Browne Jaret Wright Rico Carty Cory Snyder Rick Krivda Paul Shuey El Gallinero Gros fucked around with this message at 22:34 on Aug 18, 2016 |
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Aug 18, 2016 22:14
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El Gallinero Gros posted:Your Team: The Cleveland Indians Nuh uh.
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Aug 18, 2016 22:22
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shadok posted:Nuh uh. ...that was their record, though?
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Aug 18, 2016 22:23
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El Gallinero Gros posted:...that was their record, though? I may not know a lot about baseball but I know who's in the AL East: the Jays, the Yankees, some other guys and no Cleveland Indians.
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Aug 18, 2016 22:27
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shadok posted:I may not know a lot about baseball but I know who's in the AL East: the Jays, the Yankees, some other guys and no Cleveland Indians. Oh for goodness sake
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Aug 18, 2016 22:29
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El Gallinero Gros posted:Oh for goodness sake The Cleveland Native Americans are in AL Central btw. 
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Aug 19, 2016 02:56
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shadok posted:I may not know a lot about baseball but I know who's in the AL East: the Jays, the Yankees, some other guys and no Cleveland Indians. Pretty sure it's also impossible to go 81-80 in a 162 game season.
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Aug 22, 2016 17:58
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ilmucche posted:Pretty sure it's also impossible to go 81-80 in a 162 game season. Think again, rain man
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Aug 22, 2016 17:59
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ilmucche posted:Pretty sure it's also impossible to go 81-80 in a 162 game season. If there was a rainout and the makeup would have no effect on the playoffs they just don't bother
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Aug 22, 2016 18:11
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That is exactly what happened.
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Aug 22, 2016 18:17
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Poque posted:Think again, rain man Intruder posted:If there was a rainout and the makeup would have no effect on the playoffs they just don't bother El Gallinero Gros posted:That is exactly what happened. I stand corrected. "Screw it, the game doesn't matter anyway" really encapsulates the essence of baseball.
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Aug 22, 2016 18:19
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ilmucche posted:Pretty sure it's also impossible to go 81-80 in a 162 game season. Some third world stadiums inexplicably don't have roofs.
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Aug 22, 2016 18:55
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Intruder posted:If there was a rainout and the makeup would have no effect on the playoffs they just don't bother
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Aug 22, 2016 18:58
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Why the Mariners suck: 1. First and foremost, the Mariners have the longest playoff drought of any MLB team. We've been really bad for a long time! Between 2001 (our last appearance) and now, we've only had 5 winning seasons, two of which were immediately after that season with the talent that Pat Gillick had assembled. We were the first team to lose over 100 games with a $100mil payroll. Thanks, Bill Bavasi! 2010 is probably the most soul-crushing team. After coming off a 85-77 record with rookie GM Jack Zduriencik (Pythag record: 75-87), the team made a few trades to be more competitive. They fleeced Ruben Amaro for Cliff Lee, somehow turned Carlos Silva into Milton Bradley, and signed Chone Figgins. Everyone thought the Mariners would be good, so much that the team made the 2010 motto "Believe Big." Well... Cliff Lee started the season on the DL because he got into a fight in spring training and pulled an abdomen muscle. Milton Bradley became even worse than when he was on the Cubs, and Chone Figgins is probably considered one of the worst free agent signings in Mariner history. It was so bad the team went into firesale mode (more on this later) and ended up losing 101 games. Believe Big? Sure, just not the big you were thinking of. 2. Speaking of playoffs, in 2001, the Mariners set the MLB records for most wins in a season, putting us in elite territory with the 2015/16 Golden State Warriors, and 2007 New England Patriots. Oh yeah, we didn't win the championship there either. But combined with that and our 1995 miracle playoff run, the Mariners marketing department loves to bombard us with nostalgia about those days. Can you blame them? The latest stuff has been awful. 3. With the exception of Felix Hernandez (and I guess Ichiro, if you look at his career trajectory), Seattle has failed to retain any of it's superstars, for one reason or another. Ken Griffey Jr., Randy Johnson, and Alex Rodriguez all bailed on the team. Adrian Beltre is looking more and more like a hall of famer, and there's always going to be a conversation about how bad Seattle was to his career numbers because he couldn't hit very well here. The bright side is that Robinson Cano so far still looks legit. 4. Remember that 2010 firesale I mentioned? The Mariners peddled Cliff Lee hard for prospects. The two final teams were the Yankees and Rangers. Yankees offered Jesus Montero + 2 others, and the Rangers offered Justin Smoak + 3 others. The Mariners took the Justin Smoak deal, which at the time looked good because Smoak was one of the best hitting prospects in the game. The caveat? One of the players included in the deal was Josh Lueke, a convicted rapist who took a plea deal for a lesser charge. The Mariners have a non-profit org called "Refuse to Abuse" against domestic violence, and have actually cut players in the past when domestic violence allegations came to light (Julio Mateo, a good RP at the time, was DFA'd when the team found out he hit his wife). Naturally this all looked very bad, and Rangers GM Jon Daniels even offered to take Lueke back for a different player, but Jack Z stood his groud. The worst part was that the team admitted they didn't do their due diligence on their background check of the guy (in other words, they didn't even do a google search of the guy), showing how bad the scouting department was. Josh Lueke was then traded for John Jaso, who had 1 good season as a hitter, and caught Felix Hernadez's perfect game. He was then immediately traded for a worse player, Mike Morse. 5. The Mariners are really bad at drafting and developing players. I'd give a list of our failed top picks, but Dustin Ackley, Jesus Montero, Justin Smoak, Nick Franklin, Danny Hultzen, Steve Baron and so on have been rated highly on prospect lists. They've failed, or broke. 6. The Mariners hate competition in the Seattle area. While they've always been chummy with the Seahawks (going back to when they both played in the Kingdome together), they've actively have campaigned against any proposal to bring an NBA / NHL arena to the SoDo district (where the Mariners and Seahawks play). For a team that's lost a lot of fan goodwill, they're doing a lot to actively antagonize fans of the Seattle area. 7. They've had Fedora hat night. Yes, I went.
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Aug 22, 2016 19:57
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seiferguy posted:Why the Mariners suck: No loving way 
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Aug 23, 2016 02:20
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a handful of teams have had a fedora night. at least 3
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Aug 23, 2016 06:37
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Christ that is sad
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Aug 23, 2016 11:44
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Aug 23, 2016 15:18
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I have a Minnesota Twins cowboy hat, I'm not sure if that's better or worse.
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Aug 23, 2016 15:28
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IcePhoenix posted:I have a Minnesota Twins cowboy hat, I'm not sure if that's better or worse. cowboy hats are dumb as hell and they're still miles ahead of the goddamn fedora
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Aug 23, 2016 15:40
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DJExile posted:Christ that is sad 
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Aug 23, 2016 19:01
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They picked the perfect model, at least
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Aug 23, 2016 19:25
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DJExile posted:No loving way 
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Aug 23, 2016 20:57
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ok that's at least hilarious aggggggggggg
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Aug 23, 2016 20:58
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hifi posted:a handful of teams have had a fedora night. at least 3 The Astros had one because Carlos Correa loving loves himself some fedoras I should have included that in my writeup 
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Aug 23, 2016 21:49
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M'team
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Aug 24, 2016 18:49
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Veshpo posted:M'team M'ariners
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Aug 24, 2016 19:10
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Required Edit: The only drat fedora joke I need. 
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Aug 24, 2016 19:31
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Lisa: This fedora keeps women away Homer: How does it work? Lisa: It doesn't! It's just a stupid fedora Homer: Uh huh Lisa: But you don't see any women around, do you? Homer: Lisa, I want to buy your fedora
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Aug 24, 2016 19:39
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