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What will be the greatest weapon Coach Ido has given Conor McGregor for this fight? This poll is closed. |
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| Moving with cunning agility as the panther |
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6 | 5.71% |
| Striking with blinding speeds as the vipor |
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5 | 4.76% |
| Throwing inedible poo poo with a blind rage as the chimpanzee |
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94 | 89.52% |
| Total: | 105 votes | ||
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 Hello, I am legendary movement coach and motivational life partner Ido Portal. I am happy to welcome you to this, my GDT for the most mystical and spiritually significant moment of your short mortal lives: UFC 202, 10 p.m. ET Saturday, Aug. 20, on PPV. Please, do not sully your chakras and bring negative energies into your soul by posting streams. Normally I charge upwards of $75,000USD for the amount of time it takes me to write such a thread. But I have recently been blessed: my civil case against Rockstar for the unauthorized use of my likeness in Grand Theft Auto 5 has been settled, so I am willing to pass this once-in-a-lifetime benefit on to you, dear goons, even though I know most of you are great big fat people and that is gross and unnatural. But come, let us become one together on the eve of my finest Movement Culture(™) pupil’s fight. Welterweight (technically I suppose)  Nate “Not Surprised, Motherfucker” Diaz vs.  Conor “The Notorious” McGregor (c, 145) Nate Diaz got the upper hand in his last fight with McGregor in arguably the second-greatest upset of the year. Diaz (and many people here) said many rude, nasty things about me and my Movement Culture methodology. He likened it to “playing touchbutt in the park” and made fun of my manbun. Well the joke's on him. Touching one another’s butts only makes up, at most, 35% of the highly customized training regiment I have deployed for Conor that is meticulously tailor-made to defeat Nate Diaz. And my manbun is more than a perfectly acceptable masculine hairstyle. It serves both as a counterweight to enhance the freedom and fluidities of my movements and as a conduit to the spiritual world, where I can feel even more connected to the majestic leopard, cobra and Dave Coulier jackalopes whose styles of motion I strive to emulate. Diaz’ devastating high-volume and accuracy striking, seamless mix of low- and high-power punches and dangerous black-belt jiu jitsu game will not be enough if he cannot hit McGregor, due to Conor’s elusive movement and ability to channel his chi into an upwards kick so forceful that the resulting air currents destroy the lights above the Octagon. Conor is absolutely ready for this fight, especially since he refused to speak to another human at any point during his training and even got the UFC to graciously agree to give Conor an extra two months to train. Conor’s meticulous training methods have carried throughout his intercontinental travels down to the exact equipment he uses. John Kavanagh and I have carried Conor’s favorite heavy bag through the aisles of Tesco while he picks out his organic broccoli and mung bean salads. We’ve thrown pennies at him to catch as he sweated profusely on the toilet seat for 45 minutes after eating those salads. We have even bounced heavy medicine balls off his abs and rear end while he and Dee made sweet passionate love to promote core and hip strength. Together we have truly done it all. Ridden our mountain bikes for endless miles. Performed the 12 sacred Tai Chi poses atop those weird springy animal things children ride at the park. Cried in each other’s arms beneath the torrents of a waterfall. I have even seen him punch out at least 700 birthday candles to show his viper-like accuracy and speed. Many small children and elderly grandmothers in the Dublin, Reykjavik and Las Vegas metropolitan areas have cried that these “strange, homeless, gay home invaders have ruined our birthday party” but I assured them just as I assured you now, it is a small price to pay to master the movement necessary to secure victory in the UFC cage. Make no mistake, he has already defeated Nate Diaz by KO in the first round. Light heavyweight  Anthony “Rumble” Johnson vs.  Glover “Available Now Only On Nintendo 64” Teixeira Rumble Johnson once contacted me for my services as his movement coach. However, upon arrival at the Blackzilians gym in Florida, it was apparent he had a very specific style of movement in mind. Unfortunately I could not make him understand that my movement methods were based on that which you find all around us in the natural world and “a great big choo-choo train,” as he put it, was in fact not an animal. He and Alistair Overeem seemed genuinely baffled by this, and we could not come to an agreement on method or price. Rumble does indeed move and hit with the speed and force of a freight train, and is a dangerous threat to anyone at any time, so long as he is not gassed out or suffering from the effects of renal failure due to cutting 60+ pounds. Anyone who can avoid the power while forcing Rumble to fight at a pace he himself isn’t setting is a very safe pick to win, though, and that could prove to be Glover Teixeira. While his arsenal is fairly limited for someone who is a decorated striker, Glover has nonetheless proven he belongs at the very top of the 205 trash heap. He rode a 20-fight win streak before seeing it snapped in back-to-back losses to Jon Jones and Phil Davis, so it appears Glover struggles with strong wrestling and geometric shapes. Had he worked with me, I assure you he’d have done better at cutting those angles, whether they be isosceles or straight lines of pure Colombian white lightning on a hand mirror. Glover was also almost knocked out on the feet by extremely dangerous and gifted strikers Ryan Bader and Fabio Maldonado, so maybe this fight is not as compelling as I thought before I typed this paragraph. Welterweight  Rick “the Horror” Story vs.  Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone I predominantly market my services as those of mastering movement to better yourself and best your opponent in the Octagon, and for the most part that is true. But there is a lesser known side to me, that perhaps if you all had more patience and gentility in your souls, you would have taken the time to see. As a master of Movement Culture, I am also a healer. None know this better than Rick Story, who traveled thousands of miles by foot to my secluded mountain hut in southern Los Angeles to help him recover from having his neck and back broken by Damien Maia. I tell him “yes, Rick the Horror Story, I will help you. But first you must learn to help yourself.” Because the Ido Portal Method starts from within, and we must conquer ourselves before we can join the tribe of Elite Movers. So Rick Story spent months on the beach. I watched as he did like, at least 30 backwards summersaults to rearrange his spine and bind his spirit with that of the armadillo. He did everything to strengthen his understanding of movement, from carrying my groceries upstairs to mopping my bathroom floors to beating that really hard part of Donkey Kong 64 where you have to race the Aztec beetle for me so I could finally get all of the Golden Bananas. Upon completion of these tasks and payment of my customary $25,000 fee, he was finally cured. You can really tell he has a deep connection with the nature and fluidity of movement when he presses his opponents into the cage and remains still there for 5 minutes, winging body shots. Donald Cerrone is another case of the diversity and breadth of my patented Method: I think Cerrone moves too much. I have seen him climb a vertical rock face with no equipment, base jump from U.S. Bank tower and ramp a speed boat over a hot dog stand on a crowded beach, all in the same day between two fights a weekend apart from each other. I once told him to slow down and he called me a “queer lookin’ European” and punched me in the throat. Fortunately I have complete and total control over every muscle in my body and was able to move my larynx out of the way of his crushing fist, effectively rendering his entire offense useless. I did happen to roll around on the ground crying and gasping for 20 minutes afterward, but this is a secret training exercise in the Ido Portal Method and I cannot reveal to you its true purpose, for it is copywritten. Welterweight  Hyun Gyu Lim vs.  Mike Perry Hyun Gyu Lim needs a very special movement regiment to train. At 6’3” and 170 pounds, his odd proportions could prove lethal if he masters the speed and fluidity needed to succeed in the cage, but neglects his flexibility or core control. Fortunately I have been able to help him train at upwards of five times Earth’s gravity, which helped him tap into his Super Saiyan transformation in the late rounds of the Tarec Saffiedine fight. He lost to Tarec and eventually was TKO’d by Neil Magny, but the Korean welterweight prospect has finished all of his other UFC fights and is certainly an exciting guy to watch. I know nothing about Mike Perry, but based on his sherdog profile he might be some kind of ghost or spectre, and I would like to train movement from him to learn ultimate techniques such as walking through walls and perfect the Ido Portal Method. Welterweight  Tim “the Dirty Bird” Means Vs.  Sabah Homasi I have worked with Tim Means before as well. I told him “Tim, being a dirty bird is no way to win a fight. You must move with the freedom of a pelican or gull unencumbered by an off-shore oil spill in order in order to soar to great heights and defeat your competition.” But the Dirty Bird, he doesn’t listen to me. He fights his filthy inwards fight. And at the end of the day, so too does he fight himself. Namaste. And I think I speak for all the animal lovers among us when I urge for a moment of silence for Homasi, who was unjustly shot down in his prime due to the negligence of a parent at the Cincinnati Zoo. OTHER poo poo TO WATCH FS1 Prelims, 8 p.m. ET Bantamweight Cody Garbrandt vs. Takeya Mizugaki Women's Bantamweight Raquel Pennington vs. Elizabeth Phillips  Featherweight Artem Lobov vs. Chris Avila Women's Strawweight Randa Markos vs. Cortney Casey Fight Pass Prelims, 6:30 p.m. ET  Welterweight Neil Magny vs. Lorenz Larkin Welterweight Colby Covington vs. Max Griffin Middleweight Alberto Uda vs. Marvin Vettori Official MMA Snack Rating: Raw organic apricot kernels, available now at your local Whole Foods  
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Aug 18, 2016 18:08
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 04:46 |
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I feel spiritually refreshed after reading that. I eagerly await to see Conor use your "roll around on the floor gasping for air" technique once My Friend Nate Diaz once again whoops his punk rear end. Namaste.
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Aug 18, 2016 18:27
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:clap:
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Aug 18, 2016 19:19
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i feel like a snack that kills you if you eat too much is bad or good, if you think population control is necessary. excellent card on paper
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Aug 18, 2016 19:22
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Do not eat more that 8 seeds a day
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Aug 18, 2016 19:23
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Actually that's the maximum threshold you absolutely should not cross, but if you look below they recommend you to start with just 2-4 a day to build a tolerance to the "cyanide like symptoms" they "may" cause. Probably due to the poo poo load of cyanide in an apricot pit, but I am neither a chemist nor a whole foods employee
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Aug 18, 2016 19:30
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idonno what you mean
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Aug 18, 2016 19:43
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Bluedeanie posted:my civil case against Rockstar for the unauthorized use of my likeness in Grand Theft Auto 5 has been settled, 
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Aug 18, 2016 19:57
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Tim "The Dirty Bird" Means is gonna own part-time male stripper Sabah Homasi so badly.
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Aug 18, 2016 21:24
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i hope rick story beats the gently caress out of cerrone
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Aug 18, 2016 21:51
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Looking forward to Stockton's own turning McGregor into an apricot pit.
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Aug 18, 2016 21:55
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Apricots are much more fun if you pronounce them "APE-ri-cot" like people from Great Bisping do. Also why does Conor carry around a tin of Altoids in his back pocket?
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Aug 18, 2016 21:55
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that is not a fair snack rating
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Aug 18, 2016 22:02
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ROFLburger posted:that is not a fair snack rating If you watch too much of Lobov vs Avila I am very confident you will experience nausea, headache, fever or low blood pressure.
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Aug 18, 2016 22:06
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breaking news: artem lobov is out of his fight with a severe shoulder injury sustained on landing when conor mcgregor was practicing throwing cans across the room
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Aug 18, 2016 23:23
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Triticum Guzzler posted:breaking news: artem lobov is out of his fight with a severe shoulder injury sustained on landing when conor mcgregor was practicing throwing cans across the room hahahaha
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Aug 18, 2016 23:25
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someone give me the deets on why lobov is bad
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Aug 18, 2016 23:30
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Eat Bum Zen posted:someone give me the deets on why lobov is bad He's very bad, he lost to get in the house on TUF but his teammate Conor McGregor got to pick someone who got eliminated to be on his team (a rule probably literally added so McGregor got to ensure his boy got a spot). He had ugly and bad fights and then got into the finals where he lost in an ugly bad way, and he has yet to win a single ufc fight in two pro appearances but despite all of this and an 11-12 pro record he is still in the UFC.
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Aug 18, 2016 23:34
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Triticum Guzzler posted:breaking news: artem lobov is out of his fight with a severe shoulder injury sustained on landing when conor mcgregor was practicing throwing cans across the room Oh my
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Aug 18, 2016 23:46
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Triticum Guzzler posted:breaking news: artem lobov is out of his fight with a severe shoulder injury sustained on landing when conor mcgregor was practicing throwing cans across the room bigpeeler strikes again
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Aug 18, 2016 23:53
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My favorite Artem Lobov moment was when he sat in Ryan Hall's guard, too terrified to throw a punch, and just basically tried to maintain posture for several minutes in a row.
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Aug 18, 2016 23:57
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Keg posted:My favorite Artem Lobov moment was when he sat in Ryan Hall's guard, too terrified to throw a punch, and just basically tried to maintain posture for several minutes in a row. To be fair, I'd do the same thing if I were matched up with Ryan Hall. That said, I'm just a fat guy from Iowa and not a professional fighter. I'm also not convinced Lobov is a professional fighter.
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Aug 19, 2016 03:09
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For real though who the poo poo is Mike Perry?
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Aug 19, 2016 03:24
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Bluedeanie posted:He's very bad, he lost to get in the house on TUF but his teammate Conor McGregor got to pick someone who got eliminated to be on his team (a rule probably literally added so McGregor got to ensure his boy got a spot). He had ugly and bad fights and then got into the finals where he lost in an ugly bad way, and he has yet to win a single ufc fight in two pro appearances but despite all of this and an 11-12 pro record he is still in the UFC. he justified his terrible record by saying people are afraid to fight him and so he has to take fights at short notice
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Aug 19, 2016 03:49
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Decades posted:For real though who the poo poo is Mike Perry? Undefeated Welterweight with six wins by way of KO in 'Florida Championship Fighting' which sounds like some sort of court of family law.
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Aug 19, 2016 03:50
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what the poo poo op https://youtube.com/watch?v=3HcLRoQn3nU
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Aug 19, 2016 09:29
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When is Ryan Hall ever gonna fight lmao
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Aug 19, 2016 16:06
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cravius posted:When is Ryan Hall ever gonna fight lmao He had a fight lined up on a recent card then the opponent dropped out and he opted to reschedule it.
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Aug 19, 2016 16:47
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Triticum Guzzler posted:breaking news: artem lobov is out of his fight with a severe shoulder injury sustained on landing when conor mcgregor was practicing throwing cans across the room lmao
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Aug 19, 2016 16:48
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conor is real upset and will lose
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Aug 19, 2016 16:59
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https://twitter.com/arielhelwani/status/766664335837966336 https://twitter.com/John_Kavanagh/status/766668786162294785 lol
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Aug 19, 2016 17:16
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fatherdog posted:https://twitter.com/arielhelwani/status/766664335837966336 I'm beginning to think this John Kavanagh isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
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Aug 19, 2016 17:49
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Nate's definitely a little bigger and more fit this time coming in at 171 rather than 169 and Conor weighs in the same as the last time at 168.
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Aug 19, 2016 18:24
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Le Saboteur posted:Nate's definitely a little bigger and more fit this time coming in at 171 rather than 169 and Conor weighs in the same as the last time at 168. Without his 4 breakfasts + dessert though that would probably mean a healthier 168lb for Conor. Then again you never know with his diva attitude what new mistakes he's adding. If he loses the fight then we know his extravagant fight camp was a failure.
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Aug 19, 2016 18:29
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 I appreciate Jeff Novitzky's hands on approach to making sure Magny is not wearing a fake dick even during weigh-ins
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Aug 19, 2016 18:44
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They don't make balls big enough on the fake dicks to convince anyone the unit actually belongs to Magny
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Aug 19, 2016 18:51
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Bubba Smith posted:
He heard stories from the piss collectors and had to see it for himself.
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Aug 19, 2016 18:56
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Foul Fowl posted:i hope rick story beats the gently caress out of cerrone me too
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Aug 19, 2016 19:09
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Decades posted:For real though who the poo poo is Mike Perry? Short, roided taekwondo guy that hits really hard. His KO of Frank Carillo made the rounds on facebook a while ago https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6GVf_gZSQc&t=280s
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Aug 19, 2016 19:10
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| # ? Apr 25, 2024 04:46 |
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How does Lim make weight
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Aug 19, 2016 19:18
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