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Bluedeanie
Jul 20, 2008

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?



https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAOeT72ZWFI

Welcome back to another exciting evening here at the UFC and AKC’s joint inaugural UFC Fight Night 96 GDT/Work Friend Keven Westminster Kennel Club Tiny Dog Show, 8 p.m. ET Oct. 1 on Fox Sports 1!

We’ve got a great night full of fighters on display to prove which is the best in class, and ironically, none of them are nicknamed Pitbull. At any rate, although our founder Work Friend Keven would be quick to note that none of the fighters on the main card weigh as much as a full-grown dog, they’re all well bred and display the winning traits of a champion. So let’s get things underway!

Terrier Group (Catchweight)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qk812OWZexM
John “the Magician” Dodson

vs.


John “Big Chunk” Lineker

Now both of these little fellas used to be classified in the Toy Group, before recent changes moved them up to the Terrier Group. That’s just as well, because there’s a feisty little Affenpinscher down there who just wins show after show after show. It’s almost unfair. At any rate, here comes one of the routine runners-up, John Dodson. Look at that musculature, truly spectacular. You know they don’t build many fighters that tiny with such dense mass like that. That’s big fighter muscle there. Good stock. And so fast! A perfect combination for those spectacular first-round KOs over Manny Gamburyan, Darrell Montague and former Bantamweight champ T.J. Dillashaw, plus it’s useful for catching voles in your barn. Now this little guy is truly remarkable, because he suffered a tendon injury that many were worried might have put an end to his show days. But he bounced back just as spry as ever, and if you watch as he comes around the mound here — there it is! His signature blackflip! Always a crowd pleaser.

Now look at this big ol’ boy. It’s always a shame when a trainer lets their fighter get fat like that. Let me tell you, folks at home, that is not how you earn best in class, much less best in show. A crying shame. This poor little guy has big some big wins, so you know he’d have a real shot at a ribbon if he could just keep his weight under control. Now I know what you’re thinking, fighters will eat drat near anything if they get their hands on it. And that’s true, just backstage I saw John Lineker digging through the trash can for half-eaten hot dogs. He’s smart enough to open the fridge on his own too, so I went into the break room to heat up the baked potato I brought for lunch and the door was hanging wide open with a torn-open, now-empty package of sour cream sitting in the middle of the floor. He’s gonna have some weird shits tonight, folks. But that’s still the trainer’s responsibility to look out for their fighter when they are too stupid to do so themselves. Someone ought to call the ASPCA, won’t someone look out for John Lineker?

Working group (catchweight)


Will “Ill Will” Brooks

vs.


Alex “Cowboy” Oliveira

Will Brooks was best in class in the smaller dog shows, but this is the biggest around and he’s going to have to work harder than ever to prove he belongs. His uninspired decision victory over Ross Pearson isn’t going to turn many heads. But with a TKO over Michael Chandler in Bellator, this strong fighter is good with children and cats, and is beloved by many fans who take satisfaction in knowing Bjorn Rebney wasted time and money.

Here we’ve got another fighter with some weight management issues, which is another shame to see. That’s 20% of his purse right there, folks. Most of his UFC career has taken place at welterweight, though, so it seems the big cut to lightweight just isn’t right for him. But while he isn’t the best cowboy in either division — a fact definitively proven this February — Cowboy Oliveira is still typically exciting and fun to watch, so hopefully he stays at welterweight and can amass some success going forward after he may well find himself unceremoniously gassed out and decisioned tonight.

Non-sporting group (welterweight)


Josh “Nobody Actually Calls Him The People’s Warrior” Burkman

vs.


Zak “People May Call Him The Barbarian But IDK” Ottow

You know, Josh Burkman is a breed of fighter who’s been in and out of the top levels of competition for years. He’s a submission expert who’s first UFC debut was back in 2005, and though he’s 6-8 with the promotion, he presumably has some legitimate redeeming qualities in his personal life as well, seeing as he’s hosed Arianny Celeste and an international yoga champion, which is a thing. He
Failed to capture WSOF gold from Steve Carl and his lone win in his current UFC stint is against noted eye poker and Keanu Reeves impersonator KJ Noons, so Dana White must have viewed his submission win in the WSOF over Jon Fitch as a personal favor for Burkman to still be around for this fight.

Zak Ottow is making his UFC debut and he kind of looks like the actor they’d hire to play Josh Barnett in a really bad made for TV biography.

Toy Group (flyweight)


Louis “Da Last Samurai” Smolka

vs.


Brandon “The Assassin Baby” Moreno

Louis Smolka has some promise in the Toy Group. His lone loss is a split decision to fairly bad Chris Cariaso, but otherwise he’s continued to rack up impressive victories, including a devastating TKO over Ben 10 Nguyen, that friendly asian guy from the youtube where the dude covered in tattoos tried to act tough and then got his rear end beat. His last-minute opponent change from Sergio Pettis is a bruise on his record in terms of name value, but he will still be on a five-fight winning streak should he be victorious tonight, and with Mighty Mouse on top, these days no one is far from a shot at best in class!

The last in a long and proud line of godawful nicknames we’re featuring tonight, the Assassin Baby is also making his UFC debut. The origin of the Assassin Baby is a mystery, with guesses from Mexico to Egypt to Sudan to Malta. It probably originated in Asia and came to Mexico in very ancient times. It is the smallest of all purebred male fighters, clever, gigantic of heart and possessing terrier characteristics. Two coat varieties, long and smooth, are recognized.

Other New Breeds To Watch

FS2 Prelims, 9 p.m. ET
Light Heavyweight Luis Henrique da Silva vs. Joachim Christensen
Catchweight (148.5 lbs) Hacran Dias vs. Andre Fili
Heavyweight Shamil Abdurakhimov vs. Walt Harris
Welterweight Keita Nakamura vs. Elizeu Zaleski dos Santos

UFC Fight Pass Prelims, 7:15 p.m. ET
:siren: Middleweight Nate Marquardt vs. Tamdan McCrory :siren:
Light Heavyweight Jonathan Wilson vs. Ion Cutelaba
Heavyweight Cody East vs. Curtis “Helen Keller” Blaydes
Women's Bantamweight Kelly Faszholz vs. Ketlen Vieira

Official MMA Snack Rating: 2-ingredient barbecue lil’ smokies


INGREDIENTS:
-2 (16 ounce) packages beef cocktail wieners
-1 (18 ounce) bottle Sweet Baby Ray’s barbecue sauce or other barbecue sauce
DIRECTIONS:
To cook on the stove top, combine little smokies and barbecue sauce in a large saucepan. Cook over medium heat until sausages are heated through and sauce is bubbling, about 10 minutes.
To cook in a slow cooker, combine little smokies and barbecue sauce in a crock pot. Cover and cook on HIGH for 1 to 2 hours, until sausages are heated through and sauce is bubbling.

Bluedeanie fucked around with this message at 17:23 on Oct 1, 2016

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fatherdog
Feb 16, 2005
I'm just going to assume that Brandon Moreno's nickname actually has a comma

Actually I wonder if someone could convince Goldberg of that before the show

DumbWhiteGuy
Jul 4, 2007

You need haters. Fellas if you got 20 haters, you need 40 of them motherfuckers. If there's any haters in here that don't have nobody to hate on, feel free to hate on me

Bluedeanie posted:


John “Big Chunk” Lineker

lol

LobsterMobster
Oct 29, 2009

"I was being quiet and trying to be a good boy but he dialed the right combination to open the throw-down vault and it was on."

"Walter Foxx is ten times brighter than your bulb at the bottom of the tree merry xmas"
I was expecting a hipster angle due to the event being in Portland, but as always, a great GDT, Bluedeanie!

Hardbody Jones
Dec 14, 2002

LobsterMobster posted:

I was expecting a hipster angle due to the event being in Portland, but as always, a great GDT, Bluedeanie!

Should've gone with the more well-earned racist angle than the hipster angle, imo

Ratios and Tendency
Apr 23, 2010

:swoon: MURALI :swoon:


Any sleeper potential for this card? It looks kinda bad to me.

Bluedeanie
Jul 20, 2008

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?



Fights underway, and Cormier on the mic.

manyak
Jan 26, 2006

Ratios and Tendency posted:

Any sleeper potential for this card? It looks kinda bad to me.

Yeah some of the fights will probably be good if you can get past the fact that you dont know/care about the people in them

Bluedeanie
Jul 20, 2008

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?



Marquardt vs McCrory will be good, Dias vs Touchy Fili will be good, all the fights on the main card minus Burkman should be good. This fight isn't bad so far.

Rubellavator
Aug 16, 2007

Only caught the third round of it but seemed like a good fight.

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

I hear you wish to ball, adventurer..
Fasholz has looked really good in two losing efforts in a row in the UFC.

Bluedeanie
Jul 20, 2008

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?



Rubellavator posted:

Only caught the third round of it but seemed like a good fight.

Round 1 was pretty ok, round 2 was a bad, boring wrestle loving.

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

I hear you wish to ball, adventurer..
Isn't Cody East the guy that has multiple rape allegations against him?

Grandmaster.flv
Jun 24, 2011
I kind of wonder how laid back the Portland crowd is going to be.

Bluedeanie
Jul 20, 2008

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?



Le Saboteur posted:

Isn't Cody East the guy that has multiple rape allegations against him?

Sure is, unfortunately. Curtis Blaydes sucks but I believe in him, because I must

Tezcatlipoca
Sep 18, 2009
I hope Cody East gets knocked the gently caress out.

threeagainstfour
Jun 27, 2005


Blaydes gonna go to work

Gay Horney
Feb 10, 2013

by Reene
cody east's legs are loving massive

this fight is loving awesome for being between two bad heavyweights. can't wait til the start of round two when they're too exhausted to move

Gay Horney fucked around with this message at 00:54 on Oct 2, 2016

Bluedeanie
Jul 20, 2008

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?



In full mobn mode early tonight

Bubba Smith
Sep 27, 2004

Is tonight the greatest moment in Dominick Cruz's life?

No.

The greatest moment in my life was realizing that I didn't need a belt to be happy.
every big boy fight looks the exact. same.

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

I hear you wish to ball, adventurer..
This one has an actual heavyweight wrestler who stays active on top so its a bit new.

Soothing Vapors
Mar 26, 2006

Associate Justice Lena "Kegels" Dunham: An uncool thought to have: 'is that guy walking in the dark behind me a rapist? Never mind, he's Asian.
this bald white gentleman seems to be having a rough night

Tezcatlipoca
Sep 18, 2009
That stand up was really bad.

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

I hear you wish to ball, adventurer..
Hell yeah bro, fallover into opponents guard. Sick grapplin'

Bluedeanie
Jul 20, 2008

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?



Soothing Vapors posted:

this bald white gentleman seems to be having a rough night

He's a child abuser and sex criminal, so you should be pleased with this

Miching Mallecho
May 24, 2010

:D



Daniel with the John smith mention :xd:

Soothing Vapors
Mar 26, 2006

Associate Justice Lena "Kegels" Dunham: An uncool thought to have: 'is that guy walking in the dark behind me a rapist? Never mind, he's Asian.

Bluedeanie posted:

He's a child abuser and sex criminal, so you should be pleased with this

this seems to be true of approximately 100% of punchmen

threeagainstfour
Jun 27, 2005


I knew Cody was gonna be bad when Brendan Schaub talked about what he beast he was.

Tezcatlipoca
Sep 18, 2009

Soothing Vapors posted:

this seems to be true of approximately 100% of punchmen

You're confusing UFC with NFL.

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

I hear you wish to ball, adventurer..
You can't just sit and eat shots behind your fuckin ear like that.

Gay Horney
Feb 10, 2013

by Reene
that was a good stoppage.

Soothing Vapors
Mar 26, 2006

Associate Justice Lena "Kegels" Dunham: An uncool thought to have: 'is that guy walking in the dark behind me a rapist? Never mind, he's Asian.
well that was savage

Tezcatlipoca posted:

You're confusing UFC with NFL.

hahaha

Grandmaster.flv
Jun 24, 2011
Brutal gently caress

Bluedeanie
Jul 20, 2008

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?



Good, I liked the urgency and increase in speed the second the ref started edgint closer. Smart poo poo from Blaydes

Le Saboteur
Dec 5, 2007

I hear you wish to ball, adventurer..
Yeah DC he was ok. He just loving collapsed.

Bluedeanie
Jul 20, 2008

It's no longer a blue world, Max. Where could we go?



Hmm... I know some of these words...

Soothing Vapors
Mar 26, 2006

Associate Justice Lena "Kegels" Dunham: An uncool thought to have: 'is that guy walking in the dark behind me a rapist? Never mind, he's Asian.
I'm picturing Blaydes just writing "elbows" in a notebook over and over before the fight

Grandmaster.flv
Jun 24, 2011
He should have fallen back to the crucifix and gone full Goodridge

Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh

Soothing Vapors posted:

I'm picturing Blaydes just writing "elbows" in a notebook over and over before the fight

and all the S's are the cool S you learn how to make with straight lines

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Ironic Twist
Aug 3, 2008

I'm bokeh, you're bokeh
also, gently caress Cody East

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