quote:

Oh, I have a loving list handy for this day.

SFC Sturgeon, 5-5 ADA, Korea. I hope you died in a tire fire. I was a new Soldier, straight out of AIT, when you decided to ruin my loving day. Not even a week into my first assignment and a senior NCO proceeds to tell me I am a waste of life. You pulled me in to being your driver, despite having no humvee license, then screamed at me to run red lights and 'love-tap' other cars. I almost killed a guy, and you told me I shouldn't be a pussy and that my humvee would take it. And it never loving stopped, even after you left, because you told your replacements about that 'shitbag driver' of yours and they took you at your word.

Your treatment was reflected in your Soldiers, and I ended up without anyone to watch my back. That toxicity stuck for five long years in that unit. The paranoia of being the next target of a barracks prank. The crushing realization that you had nowhere to turn because you were marked, singled out by the senior leadership. Going on with that feeling for five years, two stations and a deployment, and I surprise myself that I didn't swan-dive off the top of the barracks.

You were everything wrong with the NCO Corps, and your shittiness infected a whole new generation of leaders. I hope you got to see the action you were hoping for, and I hope you caught a bullet.

Ice Cream Barbara posted:

The guy forging leave papers is an American hero

quote:

Since everyone liked my mad shitter escapades, I figure I'd go in to detail on a few

Silverado

So the Silverado guy was a fellow NCO who was a complete rear end in a top hat. Dude was always arguing to get earlier PT times, harsher punishments on Jr. enlisted, throwing fits about too little coffee left in the carafe. All that poo poo, every day. Everyone in the unit hated him with a burning not too unlike that of the crotches of a thousand <Insert Large Training Base Here> skanks.

He had just gone out and bought an off-lease 2 year old Silverado with all manner of custom trim and options save for still having cloth seats, which made sense given the heat of the area, leather/vinyl sucked on most days. He had also gotten super dark window tint, giant gently caress off tires and chrome rims and running boards. But he did the dumbest poo poo with it, like parking it with the doors locked and the windows down (to prevent the tint from bubbling, he said) and one morning, after staying till 8pm at a staff meeting because he wouldn't stop asking the same questions over and over to the Colonel holding the drat thing, I just decided I had enough of this loving guy. I woke up that morning and had a super dark cup of coffee and a spicy taquito from the 7-11 to prep

I had my buddy look out for me while I undid my belt, dropped my pants and squatted over his open window using the hilariously oversized chromed out side mirror as a brace for my arms. I squeezed out a pretty wet one on to his passenger seat, it smelled like someone taught a dog's rear end in a top hat how to vomit as the stench worked it's way back out toward me. But at that moment of triumph, I realized my preparation had forgotten something.

Wiping! That single most important part of being a flagrant shitter is remembering you NEED to wipe so you can go about your day OR you need to make sure you're making GBS threads dry enough to take the no-wiper, get to a bathroom and then tidy up without making your trousers smell like a homeless person in the summer. I had forgotten this key rule, one I had lived by for years to this point. I fought my urge to panic and thought quickly.

There were no leaves on the ground and no porta-shitters close enough to send my look out for TP. I considered using some singles in my wallet, but I'm just cheap enough to think that $3 to take a dump is too much, even for one like this. So I popped open his unlocked glove box and hoped for tissues. I didn't get that lucky, but I did see his insurance cards, printed on something that looked like construction paper and he hadn't popped them out of the framing poo poo they send them in. So I grabbed them, cleaned myself, and took his cards with me to throw away in the trash can near the front doors. I felt confident about my escape.

Later that day, around 2pm the rear end in a top hat came in from lunch loving livid. Shouting about how much he hates the unit, everyone in it, how younger kids have no honor, just blowing the gently caress up at and about every single person in the unit. When he finally started screaming about someone making GBS threads in his car and how he calle dthe MPs I had to do every single thing I could not to laugh. But then one of the Lts in the office started to giggle, which made the Ssgt smile and start chuckling, which let me start laughing too. Atleast 7 guys were gasping for air when he just got so angry he stormed out and slammed the door.

It killed me a little on t e inside though, never being able to take credit for that one. It would have made me a hero to so many.

Dude showed up the next week with brand new leather seats and started rolling up his windows.


The tape shell story isn't nearly as fun for me. I just saw an empty clam shell VHS tape holder being thrown away and swiped it, took it back to my place, pinched one off in it the next morning, labeled it, and took it with me when I went back on base. No idea if they ever even found it, but I like to think some senior officer went back in one day, saw it, and wanted to relive a fond memory and cracked it open to learn a pretty poignant lesson. The past was also poo poo, sir



I forgot to add, the guy whose truck I poo poo in got busted by MPs a week later for not having proof of insurance.

Diarrhea Elemental posted:

If it's serious, gently caress that. Tell him to go get the help he needs.

He starts catching poo poo from his chain for actually having the balls to ask for help, get him to document every single little thing with as much detail as possible so if/when poo poo starts going sideways he comes out of the corner swinging for the hills. Same thing with the BH people if somehow he stumbles on some worthless piece of poo poo that doesn't know how to do their actual job. He'll have to make the choice whether he wants to stay "loyal" to the abominable cunts that will inevitably try to throw him under the bus while using it as a bulletin point for their next brown-nosing appointment, or he can take care of numero uno and get the help he needs in order to avoid a legitimate mental breakdown and/or suicide.

EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:

phantom shitter is my hero

EVA BRAUN BLOWJOBS posted:

phantom shitter is my hero

quote:

Working an an un-named aircraft system, we have a HP Server that was going through memory upgrades with ECC DDR2 Registered/Buffered RAM. So, we got the RAM from the TCTO kit and go to swap them out on each of the aircraft. After completion, we take the old RAM (2GB ECC Buffered/Registered sticks) Supply tells us that they have no process for taking back the old RAM. Now even though they were a couple years old, this was still pricey RAM.

I walked away with 288GB of ECC DDR2 RAM that the USAF was going to trash.

quote:

There was a chubby-cute girl with a rather pretty face in our unit. She was smart and motivated and good at her job. However, she also was attention-seeking and was often the host of barracks parties where she'd strip to music and engage in orgies.

Eventually, she decided she was sick of rapey motherfuckers thinking they were entitled to loving her and managed a transfer out of the unit and stopped drinking entirely.

She had one last fling with the NCO who considered her the one that got away. Midway through loving her, he switched from pussy to rear end and fell in so hard, he said it was like loving a bag of warm air. He had to switch back to pussy to finish.

I got a call from her new supervisor at her new unit, because she showed up with a bad yeast infection.

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

Helldump Immunity posted:

lmao

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

quote:

Paid for an a1c in my squadron to get her tits sucked off at vikings in guam. Ended up hitting on her at a bar later, but nothing much came of it. Invited her to my apartment a few weeks later, ended up loving on the balcony, couch, tub, and bed multiple times. She later got some bf she didn't want to cheat on. Admittedly, I was not the best Lt ever.

quote:

I removed Secret and FOUO TMs and FMs off of army computer systems and released them to the internet on pirate bay on my ETS date.

Hillary Clintons Thong posted:

quote:

As a lovely PFC

I borrowed the meal card of a room mate, and made forgeries of them, saving the template on office computers as a b.s. dll file. No one ever caught on.

Also borrowed a bunch of gear by creating a fake hand receipt for a made up soldier.

Godholio posted:

I miss when DayZ was fun for the same reason.

Larry Parrish posted:

I think it's really gay that guy internet detectived someone who was most likely joking.

2spooky4me posted:

I don't think they're talking about the same thing?

Justin Tyme posted:

Let's not forget someone asked about what the best brand of buckshot was to deal with rapscallions messing with his pumpkins on these very forums

he showed up in the news shortly thereafter

quote:

Small fry navy stuff for the thread

As my division's Work Center Supervisor I intentionally took leave during a 3M inspection, with no heads up and no turn over whatsoever, because I was super loving pissed about how I kept getting passed up and ignored for any kind of award or recognition for anything I did. Almost sunk the entire command pulling that poo poo. Had no repercussions, either.

Got drunk and smoked cigars in the sail while in home port, on duty, because it was my birthday and seriously gently caress that command.

Caught the clap or something in the Philippines, and since I have no shame I told everyone about it. I also called out everyone else taking the same antibiotic pills I was, one of which had an "infection" in one of his eyes. Prevalent theory was he took a shot from a ladyboy right in the peeper.

To the phantom shitter: I was SO CLOSE to dropping a turd in the reactor compartment, if it hadn't been for that loving access watch...