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My wife has a friend in need of a place to stay for a couple of months because she's trying to separate from her husband and it's proving really difficult while they're living in the same house. I have accepted letting her stay rent free in a guest room we have that's actually a room for guests, not just a spare room we don't use. I don't plan to charge her rent and won't give her chores or some poo poo because IMO we're all adults and to be honest, knowing this person, she's gonna dirty up the house way less than I will. I like this person and don't mind her living with us, I just don't want poo poo to get too stressful around here and I don't want to treat her like a child either. What pitfalls do I need to look out for and what should I do to make sure this goes well without straining our relationship?
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Dec 6, 2016 20:53
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 23:26 |
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First off, this situation will end in anger, frustration, and total loss of friendship. Get something on paper that gives you an ability to contractually boot her if you feel like you want to. Yeah, this is all goony beep boop I'm not a real human commentary, but hopefully you realize that this exact situation has played out badly so many more times than it has worked out. Trust me.
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Dec 6, 2016 22:35
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lmAO NOthing good willcome from this
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Dec 7, 2016 02:01
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If she doesn't have a private bathroom/kitchen, she is a lodger and not a tenant, so the eviction laws (if she refuses to leave) are more in your favor/different. If her husband is abusive, depending on their relationship obviously, he may show up at your door or bedroom with a gun. Or if she's a shitshow in general, that'll get imported to your place. She'll be a housemate so she should be aware of all your general housemate rules (no sex on the living room couch, wash your own dishes, it is quiet time after 10pm, no having overnight guests without notfying people, etc.) because if she doesn't know them, she can't follow them. She is not a guest and shouldn't be expected to be treated as one (in the sense that guests are not expected to pull their own weight with household chores). There will be a power differential between you and her because you (and your wife) will be funding her, so even minor stuff like "don't eat the last of the snacks without buying more" can turn into a stressful situation, especially if she's broke and you can't afford however much you expect her to spend. Are you gonna be her ride anytime she has an interview, needs to go to work, or wants to spend time at a bar with friends? I don't wanna discourage you and obviously it'll be okay if she's a reasonable person and you guys communicate well, but "someone is financially dependent on me" is not a great situation to be in. I'd suggest drafting up some sort of contract/lease (they are a lodger NOT a tenant) even if not charging rent.
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Dec 7, 2016 03:27
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Establish a length of time she will stay and a date by which she will leave and find something else. Write this on a piece of paper and refer to that paper as "the contract". Respect the power of the contract. When she asks to stay longer, say "I will check the contract". When the contract says she cannot stay longer, apologize, and heed the power of the contract. "I'm sorry, that's just what the contract says". All power to decide has been removed from you. You must now heed the contract. Charge some rent. Find out what room rentals go for in your area. Charge that. If you charge less (or worse, nothing at all), she will never leave. Your wife will not want to do either one of these things. Basically, you are hosed either way.
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Dec 7, 2016 06:31
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photomikey posted:Establish a length of time she will stay and a date by which she will leave and find something else. Write this on a piece of paper and refer to that paper as "the contract". Respect the power of the contract. When she asks to stay longer, say "I will check the contract". When the contract says she cannot stay longer, apologize, and heed the power of the contract. "I'm sorry, that's just what the contract says". All power to decide has been removed from you. You must now heed the contract. This is an effective method because most people will not want to live with a literal serial killer longer than is strictly necessary
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Dec 7, 2016 06:35
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Fortunately looks like most of my bases are covered then. She has a job and a car, and her husband isn't abusive. She won't be financially dependent on me, I just don't feel like charging for this because to me my friends are my family and I'll treat them that way. But I will definitely establish some ground rules and we'll investigate if this takes longer than she expects.
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Dec 7, 2016 12:08
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Don't get drunk and make a pass at her while your wife is out at a works dinner.
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Dec 7, 2016 13:30
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spog posted:Get drunk and make a pass at her while your wife is out at a works dinner.
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Dec 7, 2016 19:56
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spog posted:Get her drunk and make her make a pass at your wife while you are out at a work.
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Dec 9, 2016 05:21
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Be prepared for the inevitability of your wife helping her friend get over it by commiserating and telling her all of your dirty secrets over drinks which will force your own wife to question her own happiness in your marriage.
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Dec 9, 2016 07:05
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Get a flamethrower ahead of time, ready for the day when you have to drive her out after she nicked your car and sold it for meth, or similar. Two friends of mine recently told me of their tales with roomies: Friend A nearly got shivved by his roommate after a violent disagreement about his attraction towards his wife. (My friend's wife, not the roomie). Friend B has a more classical, yet less violent tale about his roommate, (who looked like every junkie on earth incarnate, to the extent that I mistook him for a burglar and sounded the alarm when I was there once), who crossed the line regarding private property and ended up departing to the other side of Australia, still owing my friend $700. You too can look forwards to having a interesting story to share at parties in the future!
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Dec 9, 2016 11:46
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signalnoise posted:Fortunately looks like most of my bases are covered then. She has a job and a car, and her husband isn't abusive. She won't be financially dependent on me, I just don't feel like charging for this because to me my friends are my family and I'll treat them that way. But I will definitely establish some ground rules and we'll investigate if this takes longer than she expects. I'd just make sure that she is looking for a permanent place to live while she is there. It's nice that you and your wife let her escape while she is going through divorce, but she should be making moves to find her own permanent place.
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Dec 9, 2016 13:04
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Lian posted:I'd just make sure that she is looking for a permanent place to live while she is there. It's nice that you and your wife let her escape while she is going through divorce, but she should be making moves to find her own permanent place. Yeah, this. Set a deadline for this friend moving out (three months or so), draw up a contract for her living there (it's a good idea for insurance reasons if nothing else), lay down some housemate boundaries at the beginning, and absolutely realize this is gonna put a strain on your marriage regardless. Honestly if she can afford it, charge her rent. She's really, really not gonna want to leave if she can live there for free vs moving out and paying for her own place.
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Dec 9, 2016 15:19
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If she really has a legit job that pays her enough that she could afford to pay rent, she should want to pay you rent because it will make it easier to sleep at night and she'll feel like she's at least pulling her weight in a financial sense.
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Dec 9, 2016 16:59
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Work with your wife to draw up a "code of conduct" for her. Figure out how long you are both comfortable with her staying. Figure out what happens if she stays longer than agreed. It's probably a good idea to include her on the chores rota, but get agreement from all 3 of you for the specific chores. Will she be eating with you? Will she be chipping in for groceries?
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Dec 9, 2016 17:08
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Looks like you came to the right place to get some advice op.
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Dec 11, 2016 17:22
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uguu posted:Looks like you came to the right place to get some advice op. It's enlightening in a way
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Dec 11, 2016 18:25
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Hell is other people
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Dec 11, 2016 21:57
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Try and get at least one threesome out of it.
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Dec 12, 2016 05:00
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banned from Starbucks posted:Try and get at least one threesome out of it.
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Dec 12, 2016 08:20
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Did this for a friend once. "Two weeks tops" he said. I planned on a month. 2+ months later he finally left.
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Dec 12, 2016 19:57
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In terms of pitfalls, the most likely is that you and your wife each say something different regarding house rules at different times and then all 3 of you get angry at each other for no good reason. So all three of you should sit down with some coffee or tea and agree on an exact period that she can stay. Other things to discuss and write down are exactly what responsibility your guest should have for purchasing food and cleaning. Write it all down and sign it. Calling this agreement The Contract or Code Of Conduct is a little silly, assuming you all are responsible adults. The point of the exercise is that you write it together. Think of it as a team-building exercise. It avoids any confusion or misunderstanding if for example you say one thing about cleaning and your wife says another. Setting a firm boundary for your guest to leave is important. Take into consideration how long you can tolerate to have them living with you if it turns out they are a lovely guest somehow. You can always extend their stay, cutting it short will cause problems. Fruits of the sea fucked around with this message at 05:26 on Dec 14, 2016 |
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Dec 14, 2016 05:23
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Fruits of the sea posted:In terms of pitfalls, the most likely is that you and your wife each say something different regarding house rules at different times and then all 3 of you get angry at each other for no good reason. This is good thanks
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Dec 14, 2016 05:27
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I like your av op.
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Dec 14, 2016 15:37
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Is she hot? Factors into rent calculations.
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Dec 14, 2016 15:58
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Tinfoil Papercut posted:Is she hot? Eh
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Dec 14, 2016 16:25
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Sometimes you are the bucket and sometimes you are the faucet. I've spent my fair share of time as both. Pretty much by definition buckets (even good buckets) will take advantage of you. That's what being a bucket to a faucet is. A good bucket wants to get out of that situation and live on their own. Make sure they have a plan for that. If they have a plan and you hold them to it, great, it will work out. If you slack and let them get away with poo poo, well, even a good bucket gets comfortable. Rent is a fair idea but ultimately a trap. Why? Because you will give your friend a sweetheart deal. Well below market rates. That means no matter what, it is cheaper for them to stay with you but also that since they are paying they have negotiated a fair rent and can stay as long as they please. You don't want that.
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Dec 15, 2016 09:16
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Am I the only one who has done this for friends a handful of times and not gotten burned by it at all? Set your expectations realistically, and it's entirely possible the person could end up taking advantage of you, but the handful of times I've done haven't been any sort of issue. And I feel like the people who speak up tend to be the ones with terrible experiences. Also, photomikey is an inhuman monster, and you can safely ignore whatever he says.
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Dec 15, 2016 09:34
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I've only had this work out by never letting the person get complacent. Always ask them at least a few times a week how the job search/whatever they are trying to do to get their own place is going. If you "give them time/space" and not bug them about it constantly they'll think "hey this is pretty nice, I'll just relax for a while and apply for jobs next week" and that stretches out until you all hate each other. Basically make them feel welcome, but not permanently welcome. And obviously if they are making a mess and not cleaning up after themselves, don't be a doormat and clean it up for them. I know it's hard to put your foot down and say either do ____ or get out (and be willing to follow through), but for some people that's the only way to motivate them to get off their rear end and do it.
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Dec 15, 2016 13:26
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I think people are assuming she doesn't have a job or something and that's totally not the situation at all, she is just having a problem distancing herself from her wet blanket husband while she tries to find a new place to live in another state lol
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Dec 15, 2016 14:05
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I think you should consider the best/worst case scenarios and really think through whether this is a good idea. Realistic best case scenario: Nothing interesting happens, but your wife is happy that you helped her friend out. Realistic worst case scenario: Your wife and her friend start a relationship, and you're forced to live in your car. You're really risking a lot, for not much possible gain.
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Dec 18, 2016 12:01
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A Buttery Pastry posted:I think you should consider the best/worst case scenarios and really think through whether this is a good idea. Pascal's Wager does not prevent me from having compassion unfortunately
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Dec 18, 2016 14:11
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signalnoise posted:Pascal's Wager does not prevent me from having compassion unfortunately
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Dec 18, 2016 14:47
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Right on cool
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Dec 18, 2016 14:56
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Why doesn't she sublet? I get the idea of wanting to move out, but is she financially unable to do that? She has a job and a car, so why is she interested in living in the middle of some other couple's bullshit while she's dealing with her own? Not saying you shouldn't do it, but is there more to the story?
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Dec 18, 2016 23:39
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Last Buffalo posted:Why doesn't she sublet? Basically her husband is a huge manchild sourpuss and she's tried to do this before but her proximity to him is an emotional barrier to divorce proceedings and moving away. That's my understanding anyway. She tries to get out and he breaks down and she's all "oh for gently caress's sake ok because i can't live with this while trying to go through the divorce process"
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Dec 18, 2016 23:45
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| # ? Apr 24, 2024 23:26 |
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Serious chat: It can work very easily, if you remember two things: 1) Set ground rules from the start. Don't make a Roomate Agreement, just state a few things at the beginning: 'This is signalnoise's chair and these are his Cheerios. He doesn't like to share either. His bathroom time for work is 8.30 until 8.45. No farting in the kitchen and no talking during 'America's Top Model' 2) No flirting If you are naturally flirtatious, or like to make inappropriate jokes, rein both in during her time there. It is much better to land on the side of prudishness
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Dec 19, 2016 00:40
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