Register a SA Forums Account here!
JOINING THE SA FORUMS WILL REMOVE THIS BIG AD, THE ANNOYING UNDERLINED ADS, AND STUPID INTERSTITIAL ADS!!!

You can: log in, read the tech support FAQ, or request your lost password. This dumb message (and those ads) will appear on every screen until you register! Get rid of this crap by registering your own SA Forums Account and joining roughly 150,000 Goons, for the one-time price of $9.95! We charge money because it costs us money per month for bills, and since we don't believe in showing ads to our users, we try to make the money back through forum registrations.
 
  • Locked thread
google THIS

I knew the dame was trouble the moment she stepped into my line. With three unruly tots in tow, an updo that would make Kate Gosselin swoon, and heels more spiked than the bottle of Dasani I keep under my register, it was clear this lady wanted to speak to my manager; she just didn't know why yet. Was fifty-eight greenbacks a day minus taxes really worth this?

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

Android Blues

i knew the dame was trouble from the moment she stepped into my office, which was the boiler room in a three story house share i shared with several bulgarian immigrants who had a hell of a lot more than three stories between them. "mind the drip," i said, "and i don't know why that tissue paper with weird orange stains on it is wedged into a crack in the wall. you're very attractive."

google THIS

They call me Slick McGee. I'm a con artist. I'm also a sandwich artist. You want it toasted I'm your man. You wanna know where your missing husband went? That'll cost ya extra. Chips and a drink and a holiday gift card, buy $50 and get a $10 card for yourself, and I might be able to tell you if I seen him in here with a strange lady. My boss is really on me about those gift cards.

Android Blues

"you wanna get involved with a lousy bum like me?" i growled, pinching a cigarette i had stolen from the builders' break room at work between my teeth. "forget about it, kid. my days are filled with hours i don't have and my bank account is a bounced check. now scram before you make me moodily down this shot of whiskey and bust my leisure budget wide open."

joke_explainer


Aerosolized grease. When I think of aerosolized grease, I think of Charlene. The fine mist the splatter of boiling oil would leave slowly accumulating on every surface of the kitchen. The gleaming exterior of a perfectly fried wing. We were an unstoppable team, her on the fryer, me with the sauce. We could outpace any demand, even on Super Bowl Sunday, and management knew how we kept the place running. But Charlene flew too close to the sun on our red-hot vinegary wings of tender goodness. We had a double double sixty-four order of destiny delivered to us that fateful night.

google THIS

I know this town like the back of my hand, which comes in handy when you're delivering packages for Don Jon "The Papa." Tonight was an easy job for easy money, or so I thought. I could tell from the moment I hit the driveway the family was well-to-do, but I didn't know just how well until the mooks that answered the door laid into me like I was the extra-large margherita pizza add sausage no onions. When I came to I was starin' down the most feared man in the city, a fella know only as "The Hut," and I knew I had bitten off more cheesy bread than all the garlic butter in the world could wash down.

"I need you to bring a message," the shadowy figure snarled, "to Papa John."

joke_explainer


He held his friend back looking over the wreckage of the overturned condiment rack. The assistant manager leaned over toward him as the boss screamed at him to go home, just get him out of here. He said: "Forget it, Jake. It's Burgerville."

Fanky Malloons

Is your social worker inside that horse?
I could feel her eyes on me from the other end of the bar before I even turned around; those steely grey-blues, always tinged with fury. White-knuckled, she raised the cup to her lips taking quick, angry sips, slupslupslup. The barista trembled like an autumn leaf as she waited for Laura's judgement, not daring to breathe. I counted slowly in my head, refusing to break eye contact. Stay cool, I told myself; but five seconds might as well have been forever. Laura's gaze shifted back to the barista, who shrank under its weight. After an eternity, Laura finally spoke, her voice a deadly whisper "I said no goddamn foam."



:krad: sig brought to you by the amazing & beautiful vanisher, feat. Helle Woods, artisinally designed by Death Sext !!!

vanisher

No one wants these problems.

I exit my ford tempo and head into my office building for another day of dealing with human garbage, the chilly breeze on the walk an exclamation point on my already dreary attitude. In these rooms there's only one rule, you get out the stains and stay away from the dames. I fill up my mop bucket and roll it out to the entryway. "Hey Jim, how's the kids?" These people live in their fairyland world away from the seedy underside of these desks. Largely because of Jane and her watermelon kick.



Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext

vanisher

Save 10% with a target card.

Who knew that conversation with the clearly stressed mother of three trying to write me a check for $13 worth of holiday decorations was going to lead me down hassle blvd into trouble city. The post-it note in my managers handwriting reminding us to offer it fell off my monitor screen as she slammed the check on the small counter. I don't need to tell you she wasn't interested. "Sorry this isn't enough, it's 30 cents extra for the bags in California now. I need $13.97." I flipped the switch on the side of my station for manager assistance even before I finished the sentence.



Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext

Lawrence Gilchrist

White, red, white, red. I'm fighting for my life here, at the counter of the brand new Sonic's that replaced my favorite greenbelt. I'm shadowboxing these lights in my head. I keep my forearms on the cool linoleum that's half a foot too tall for me to soothe my clumsy cuts and burns. The colored rays filter through the decor and I feel like a squatter in a home with torn up blinds casting shadows on the wall. White clouds from the kitchen brush my ears. They follow me out into the December night as I approach a car that's having trouble with their order.

I knew the driver was a tall order as soon as she walked me back to the register. A cankly bottle blonde in a red pantsuit, she balked when I said I couldn't break a hundred. She handed me two grants and gave me a wink so protracted I blushed while knowing it was a load of applesauce. She sticks her hands in her pockets, pouts at my stone face, asks me if I like working nights while I hand her change. I tell her it's better than suicide. She pulls a crumpled hamilton out, says she forgot about it. Asks for one of the grants back. I pull out my smartphone and ask for her number. She tells me she has shoes older than me but she'd like to try me on. My staring at my held-up phone says more than my lips ever could. She stalks back into her car. Yellow, white, red. I write her info on a greasy sticky note and slap it on the counter for the day manager, and send her picture to the local precinct. I hesitate before sending along her plate number, not out of misguided camaraderie, but because maybe that's her road outta suicide. Maybe I've done my due diligence.

I'm gay, I think. Sometimes it pays. But not now, not really. I forget the whole thing before my head hits the pillow.

Lawrence Gilchrist fucked around with this message at 07:04 on Dec 8, 2016


tubbsthumping

i chow down
and i get up again

GODSPEED JOHN GLENN


I put my thumb up my bum and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth.


Those goons had my food handlers permit revoked and I needed a place to lie low. There was a quiet little joint called Mom's Basement where I knew I could crash until the heat blew over. The thing was, the rent was free but the price...well, the price could be my soul.

social vegan



There she was. A pair of bright red pumps and legs as high as the eye could see. There he was. A pair of docs and legs as high as the eye could see. There my boss was. New Balances and legs as high as the eye could see. I sighed deeply from underneath the forest green '94 Geo Tracker with the wave decal on the side at the local Jiffy Lube.

Android Blues

social vegan posted:

There she was. A pair of bright red pumps and legs as high as the eye could see. There he was. A pair of docs and legs as high as the eye could see. There my boss was. New Balances and legs as high as the eye could see. I sighed deeply from underneath the forest green '94 Geo Tracker with the wave decal on the side at the local Jiffy Lube.

LawfulWaffle

Well, that aligns with the vibes I was getting. Which was, like, "normal" kinda vibes.
I was looking at a crime scene, just another mess on the cold floor. Indifference and calculated ignorance guided everyone else around it, careful not to get their already soiled Crocs stained with red. That was a luxury I had given up when I put on the nametag. My demons started to boil inside of me, thirsting for a justice I knew would never be found. In my white-knuckle grip, the wooden handle felt like a cudgel, a truncheon from an era where the law could beat order into this misshapen world. That was a lifetime ago, and the broken glass mixed with Italian viscera in front of me was just another in a long line of reckless lawlessness. My mouth itched for a cigarette but a voice from over head reminded me of my orders with a practiced hardness. "Clean up on isle four. Clean up on isle four."

google THIS

social vegan posted:

There she was. A pair of bright red pumps and legs as high as the eye could see. There he was. A pair of docs and legs as high as the eye could see. There my boss was. New Balances and legs as high as the eye could see. I sighed deeply from underneath the forest green '94 Geo Tracker with the wave decal on the side at the local Jiffy Lube.

google THIS

Her eyes burned with indignant fire, her hair fell about her shoulders like a mantle, and her ruby lips pursed. A man could get lost in that face. But despite my best efforts to be a gentleman I found my gaze falling to her enormous cans, which were clearly Freshlike, and the coupon she gave me was for Green Giant.

FluffieDuckie

google THIS posted:

Her eyes burned with indignant fire, her hair fell about her shoulders like a mantle, and her ruby lips pursed. A man could get lost in that face. But despite my best efforts to be a gentleman I found my gaze falling to her enormous cans, which were clearly Freshlike, and the coupon she gave me was for Green Giant.


Thank you for the beautiful sig Machai!

Ahundredbux

The right to bear arms

google THIS posted:

Her eyes burned with indignant fire, her hair fell about her shoulders like a mantle, and her ruby lips pursed. A man could get lost in that face. But despite my best efforts to be a gentleman I found my gaze falling to her enormous cans, which were clearly Freshlike, and the coupon she gave me was for Green Giant.

lmao

Plebian Parasite

She was buying herself a one way ticket to nowheresville. And I would know, since I was working the booth that day.

Twerkteam Pizza

I knew what the man wanted the moment he got in here. They all want the same drat thing. I put on my jacket, sighed, and stood up.

"Welcome to Petco" I said with a sneer.

deep dish peat moss

Throw one at me if you'd like, burger punk. I've got all five senses and I slept last night, that puts me six up on the lot of you.

alnilam

light filters in through window blinds, casting harsh shadows, as sultry sax music plays, but it's a sultry sax cover of All I Want For Christmas Is You and the window blinds are actually the grating of the security door, closed outside the glass storefront. shop isn't open yet, but that doesn't stop a dame who spells trouble from tapping on the glass and pointing at her watch

Android Blues

"You lousy no good rat," I spat, my finger quavering on the trigger like a soprano about to hit the high note. "You knew I was planning to go visit my sister and you dropped out of your shift anyway. I ought to send you on a cool vacation somewhere hot."

The air hang heavy in the room. I sighed through my nose and wished I had the courage to quit, before clicking home the trigger and watching as the $2.99 tag rolled onto the can of beans.

alnilam

They're making me work on noir Friday :sigh:

vanisher

alnilam posted:

They're making me work on noir Friday :sigh:

Because Noir falls on a Sunday I don't get any day off this year to celebrate

*takes long drag on a cigarette in low lighting, holding it, exhaling slowly* "Hey turn on these lights, we warned you twice about this!"



Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext

Adbot
ADBOT LOVES YOU

google THIS

alnilam posted:

They're making me work on noir Friday :sigh:

I knew those dames and mugs were trouble from the moment they stampeded through my door. as tempers started to flare I had to wonder, was this just another day in the hell I lived in or would our little walmart store be the annual cautionary tale on the national news? and did I even care?

  • Locked thread