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You are hungry, go to the fridge.. but there is an alligator there - it has eaten all the food and looks to be sizing you up for it's next meal. You jump into the car, ready to get to work, it's rush hour - and you realise that there is a grizzly bear in the back seat. He doesn't like to ride cars. You are at the gym talking to a hot girl and another guy - you ask for a spot - from the girl - but end up getting the guy - it's bench press time.. and he is freeballing it under the shorts. You prepare roses, dinner, candle lights and romantic music.. it's valentines day, your wife comes in... so does your mother-in-law. You and your girl watch 50 Shades of Grey on the TV, commercial break - Batman is coming on later.. Uxzuigal fucked around with this message at 11:36 on Feb 21, 2017 |
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Feb 21, 2017 08:42
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You try go to the mailbox but you can't. A dog has taken your shoes and he won't give them back. The shoes aren't even correctly sized for a dog. |
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Feb 21, 2017 10:01
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Your washing machine decides to honor the peace treaty you signed and spits out the last prisoner of war: a sexy bra it ate 5 years ago, 3 years into your new relationship. You forget to read the microwave instructions. No egg in the microwave. It's now hatched and an angry, radioactive alien lives in it - eating any food that you want to heat up.
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Feb 21, 2017 11:33
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<3 
<3 Vanisher
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You download "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" - it turns out it IS "Snow White and he Seven Dwarfs".. but definitivly not the PG13 version.
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Feb 21, 2017 16:37
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instead of one everfull jar of peanut butter I must occasionally scrape out the remains of the old jar, rinse/wash it, recycle it, then open the next jar of peanut butter that is waiting in the pantry this is an unwelcome and intrusive disruption to my peanut-butter-eating routine |
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Feb 21, 2017 16:42
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You go to a pet shelter to rescue a dog and a dog rescues you from the pet shelter and takes you to your new forever home.
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Feb 21, 2017 17:00
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You adopt a dog, but it turns out it's a coyote. Now you live in the shed, and a coyote family in your living room.
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Feb 21, 2017 17:08
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You ring someone's doorbell wearing your new Halloween mask, and when they answer you say the magic words, but it comes out instead as "Chwicker Chreet!" because your mask muffles your voice, which as we all know summons the demonic being Sh'A'Halaz't from it's imprisonment from the NeverDidn't which is awkward, because it's either deliver the candy or give up your soul.
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Feb 21, 2017 17:40
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You take a hit from the bong but someone packed it with their anti-drug
https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Feb 21, 2017 17:42
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You kiss a frog in hopes of it turning into a prince... Turns out it's one of the most poisonous frogs in the world.
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Feb 21, 2017 18:40
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You want to show your boss something on your phone, you open safari - resuming your old tab: Lesbian Granny Porn.
Uxzuigal fucked around with this message at 22:36 on Feb 21, 2017
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Feb 21, 2017 21:36
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You're doing some mundane poo poo, like getting plastic containers out of the cupboard, when all of a sudden the world becomes a colorless monochromatic void, you feel your fine motor skills slipping away, and you know you're in for a heck of a doozy. |
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Feb 21, 2017 22:17
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You waited all day for your evening masturbation session when your lusty SO busts through the wall, carries you to a bed of roses and gives you the most powerful sex of your life. Another day, ruined.
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Feb 21, 2017 22:31
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Feb 22, 2017 01:07
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You log onto Something Awful, but click on BYOB and find chill.
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Feb 22, 2017 02:27
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you're here to kick rear end and chew bubblegum, and you've got like 14 packs of bubblegum because you bought it at costco and thought you were getting a deal, failing to realize--as you always do--that if you leave most of that bubblegum in the closet for years before throwing it away you probably ended up spending more on bubblegum than you would have by buying the single pack you originally wanted |
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Feb 22, 2017 03:05
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you hurf but before ypu can durf you peeg |
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Feb 22, 2017 03:24
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you want to weed it up but instead you find a cricket has made your nugz into a cozy house so you ask to come in but ur too big so he offers to come into your house instead which technically hes already in but no sense in arguing with a cricket you know, so right when he leaves a spider comes down to eat him but he gets tangled in his own web and falls face first into the weed nug cottage and wrecks it, breaking the crickets fine china that he was planning on using when his mother in law visited not that she ever does because she is very disapointed in her daughter for marrying outside her cricket caste and cant bear to see her daughter live in such poor weed nug conditions, but i digress.. |
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Feb 22, 2017 03:33
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Was heading to the kitchen to get some cereal when oops! Fell into the hell dimension again. The thousand- toothed maws of the helldemons sure are ear- piercing today. Wonder if they want some cereal haha....... ha... |
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Feb 22, 2017 04:40
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Piso Mojado posted:you want to weed it up but instead you find a cricket has made your nugz into a cozy house so you ask to come in but ur too big so he offers to come into your house instead which technically hes already in but no sense in arguing with a cricket you know, so right when he leaves a spider comes down to eat him but he gets tangled in his own web and falls face first into the weed nug cottage and wrecks it, breaking the crickets fine china that he was planning on using when his mother in law visited not that she ever does because she is very disapointed in her daughter for marrying outside her cricket caste and cant bear to see her daughter live in such poor weed nug conditions, but i digress.. |
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Feb 22, 2017 06:17
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It's your wedding day, and you're marrying the girl of your dreams. You take a good look around. Everyone is so happy. Your family has never been more proud. Now you're finally married. You're officially married and it's time to kiss and consummate your new journey. You turn to your bride and try not to look too nervous when the pit of your stomach drops out. Standing before you is Guy Fieri in a wedding dress |
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Feb 22, 2017 10:32
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You walk down the boulevard of dreams, soon to be broken - as the wind lifts the skirt of the girl in front - behold - futanari
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Feb 22, 2017 14:22
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 Did somebody say Futa? |
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Feb 22, 2017 14:52
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E Equals MC Hammer posted:
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Feb 22, 2017 14:53
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Piso Mojado posted:you want to weed it up but instead you find a cricket has made your nugz into a cozy house so you ask to come in but ur too big so he offers to come into your house instead which technically hes already in but no sense in arguing with a cricket you know, so right when he leaves a spider comes down to eat him but he gets tangled in his own web and falls face first into the weed nug cottage and wrecks it, breaking the crickets fine china that he was planning on using when his mother in law visited not that she ever does because she is very disapointed in her daughter for marrying outside her cricket caste and cant bear to see her daughter live in such poor weed nug conditions, but i digress.. nice merger of subject matter and creative inspiration |
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Feb 22, 2017 15:28
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You talk to a hot girl on the sidewalk, a dog passes by and drive-by farts.. there is no one else near, and the smell is delayed for a few seconds - the girl is disgusted, pukes on your shoes, runs of screaming and posts it on her facebook wall, tags you, her friends laughs and shares - suddenly you are an internet sensation in the worst possible way.
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Feb 22, 2017 23:23
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Uxzuigal posted:You talk to a hot girl on the sidewalk, a dog passes by and drive-by farts.. there is no one else near, and the smell is delayed for a few seconds - the girl is disgusted, pukes on your shoes, runs of screaming and posts it on her facebook wall, tags you, her friends laughs and shares - suddenly you are an internet sensation in the worst possible way. no publicity is bad publicity |
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Feb 22, 2017 23:27
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You walk into the store, grab a pack of condoms, proceed to the checkout - already blushing your credit card transaction fails - you scramble for cash in your wallet, drop pennies on the floor, causing everyone to look at you - and what you are buying - you suddenly notice your mom in the other line - she notices you - walks over and offers to pay for you. Defeated you leave the store, your girlfriend somehow hears what happends, brings it up as you are putting the rubber on - embarrassed you fall flaccid, further increasing the trauma as you know this story just got worse and all her friends will hear about it. You never see her again.
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Feb 22, 2017 23:32
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You're a venomous mini-cobra, trying to get some sleep before you have to wake up and go to the plant for your graveyard shift. You get into your sneaker bed and try to doze off, but are rudely awakened by some human oaf sticking their foot into it and yelling "gently caress my life! loving snakes in my shoes!". you mull popping out, hissing and fangs bared, giving this human cretin a double dose injection of venom, but think better of it and lethargically slither away to underneath the cold living room futon AS PER USUAL EVERY drat DAY. you sigh and curl up, shivering. A hardworking cobra will never win in this world or get a break.
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Feb 23, 2017 00:48
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Kthulhu5000 posted:You're a venomous mini-cobra, trying to get some sleep before you have to wake up and go to the plant for your graveyard shift. You get into your sneaker bed and try to doze off, but are rudely awakened by some human oaf sticking their foot into it and yelling "gently caress my life! loving snakes in my shoes!". you mull popping out, hissing and fangs bared, giving this human cretin a double dose injection of venom, but think better of it and lethargically slither away to underneath the cold living room futon AS PER USUAL EVERY drat DAY. you sigh and curl up, shivering. A hardworking cobra will never win in this world or get a break. |
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Feb 23, 2017 00:53
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You walk in the door, you hear noises from the bed room - your wife is there, so is Bill Nye the Science Guy.. teaching her all about the birds and the bees. Bill Nye the Science Guy is a practical teacher.. you sit there envious of your wife: Not everyone gets tutored by Bill Nye the Science Guy!
Uxzuigal fucked around with this message at 13:10 on Feb 23, 2017
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Feb 23, 2017 11:37
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Uxzuigal posted:You walk in the door, you hear noises from the bed room - your wife is there, so is Bill Nye the Science Guy.. teaching her all about the birds and the bees. Bill Nye the Science Guy is a practical teacher.. you sit there envious of your wife: Not everyone gets tutored by Bill Nye the Science Guy! You should start cheering him on like in the song. *Pumping fist in time with the beat* "Bill! Bill! Bill! Bill!"
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Feb 23, 2017 13:15
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You're sitting there bored out of your mind twiddling your thumbs mindlessly when suddenly, they spin faster and faster, out of your control, a frightening whirring blur of whizzing fury, your arms rise above your head! Your thumbs are now a freakish ornithopter of twiddling madness lifting you up and out of your seat and you fly, out of the door of the room you were in, outside the house now, up into the air you rise! Still your thumbs whir above your outstretched arms, suspending you in a freaklish fingery feat of flight. People on the ground look up in amazement, attracted to both the sight of you, feet dangling helplessly as you are held upright by the digital dervish that is the dynamo of your fingery flight and the BZZZZZZZZZZ! of your thumbs chewing through the air, keeping you aloft! Finally, the journey begins to abate, your trip brought to an abrupt end as you lower to the ground, the twiddles slow and and your feet are now on the ground at a bus stop a few miles from home. https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Feb 23, 2017 17:46
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Manifisto posted:no publicity is bad publicity in a sudden twist, the facebook post sparks such outrage that an angry mob forms and mercilessly clubs you to death. now you are in hell and face an eternity of the One True Inconvenience.
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Feb 23, 2017 18:06
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BIRDCON 2017 posted:in a sudden twist, the facebook post sparks such outrage that an angry mob forms and mercilessly clubs you to death. now you are in hell and face an eternity of the One True Inconvenience. all I hear is "brand awareness," "increased market penetration," "mindshare," etc. |
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Feb 23, 2017 18:39
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Splatmaster posted:You're sitting there bored out of your mind twiddling your thumbs mindlessly when suddenly, they spin faster and faster, out of your control, a frightening whirring blur of whizzing fury, your arms rise above your head! Your thumbs are now a freakish ornithopter of twiddling madness lifting you up and out of your seat and you fly, out of the door of the room you were in, outside the house now, up into the air you rise! Still your thumbs whir above your outstretched arms, suspending you in a freaklish fingery feat of flight. People on the ground look up in amazement, attracted to both the sight of you, feet dangling helplessly as you are held upright by the digital dervish that is the dynamo of your fingery flight and the BZZZZZZZZZZ! of your thumbs chewing through the air, keeping you aloft! This would make a great children's movie  Man with the Twiddling Thumbs!
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Feb 23, 2017 18:56
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At home after a hard day you are enjoying a book when, turning the page, you cut your finger on the sharp edge of the page. You startle, and bring your finger to your lips, more alarmed at the surprise than in any actual pain. You return to reading, a small drop of blood forming at the wound. It trickles down and stains the page you are reading, causing you to curse. You quickly wipe it away leaving a small smudge on the page. The book wriggles out of your hands on its own free will and scurries under a table. "Mmm... Its been long since I've tasted of the blood. Now I must have more!" Bulbous eyes form in the book, along with stubby legs and arms. You frantically flee the room, slamming the door to your bathroom behind you as slathering scuttling movement sounds follow you on your heels. Just as you slam the door a thud is heard as the book fails to make it in after you. A loose page slithers under the door, first looking right then left. You smash the page with your foot and a whimper like an injured dog is heard from the other side. "Open this door immediately!!" A deep and demonic voice bellows. You hear claws grading against wood and know your time is short. Looking for any kind of weapon you pick up a rolled magazine. The sharp edge nicks your finger. From outside the house, screams of terror fill the calm neighborhood. |
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Feb 23, 2017 19:17
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vanisher posted:At home after a hard day you are enjoying a book when, turning the page, you cut your finger on the sharp edge of the page. You startle, and bring your finger to your lips, more alarmed at the surprise than in any actual pain. You return to reading, a small drop of blood forming at the wound. It trickles down and stains the page you are reading, causing you to curse. You quickly wipe it away leaving a small smudge on the page. The book wriggles out of your hands on its own free will and scurries under a table. https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4 |
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Feb 23, 2017 19:36
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vanisher posted:At home after a hard day you are enjoying a book when, turning the page, you cut your finger on the sharp edge of the page. You startle, and bring your finger to your lips, more alarmed at the surprise than in any actual pain. You return to reading, a small drop of blood forming at the wound. It trickles down and stains the page you are reading, causing you to curse. You quickly wipe it away leaving a small smudge on the page. The book wriggles out of your hands on its own free will and scurries under a table. yeah, paper cuts are the worst
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Feb 23, 2017 20:01
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| # ? Apr 19, 2024 10:28 |
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"Yeah, yeah everything, please." you say without taking your eyes off your phone. A bowl clatters on the lunch counter and, still transfixed, you snatch up the food, pay, and settle in to eat. It's delicious. A grain blend, medium rare beef, fresh veggies. Ohh, even a bit of kick! Serrano? You google "serano." Heat builds a bit, you think while thumb-typing a tweet: "Call me Pepper Pete, cause I'm sweet then spicy." You smile to yourself. Jeez, how much did they put in this. You look around the cafeteria as though some skulking pepperman would be hiding back there. No, just a regular lunch line. You sneeze. Your nose is starting to run and your eyes are itchy just from leaning over your lunch. You wipe your nose with your free hand careful not to either touch your eyes or stop scrolling. You almost choke as you swallow a bite and cough a little at the same time. You're panting, when did you start panting? The screen's blurring. You wipe your forearm across your face smearing tears and snot. There is a jungle cat in your stomach, it is snarling and lurching through your depths. How much loving Serrano was in this thing? You double over. You're hacking now coughing right into your tray. You wave off a concerned worker. If you could speak you would say "I'm fine, really." You manage a smile and taste the salty mucus running down your face. You can't stop sneezing. Sweet jesus, what is that? A pink, tubular mass is waggling from your face. Did you just prolapse a sinus? Is that a thing? No, it is not a thing. You feel the purple worm undulating from the back of your throat, sliding through your skull, and plopping out your nostril: the largest snot glob on God's green earth is luging out of your nose. You aren't sure what the manager is trying to say to you, but you're pretty sure you caught "banned" and "horrifying." Yeah, that sounds about right. Still, pretty good for $6.99. |
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Feb 23, 2017 21:26
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