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PHIZ KALIFA

#mood
wow are you surprised, that huge pile of dead brush staining my vinyl siding is an intentional design choice? thanks for pointing it out though, its called a stickery. they used to have them in victorian england, i like it because it makes my garden feel steampunk. spiders live inside there and they eat all the mosquitos, so you don't even need to slather yourself in poison if u sit next to it


yeah thanks chad i KNOW my tomatoes look like "some kinda bilge-soaked plague-hosed rat king" what with their complete lack of cage and rampant blight. ummmmm ever heard of a little thing called "permaculture??" basically u create a permanent culture of plants hardy enough to survive all possible abuse and neglect. those super sweet 100s i bought at a home depot clearance sale are gonna open pollenate with those other tomatoes i got at hole foods and make super strong fuckin invincible iron clad badass tomatoes which totlally ROCK your lunch time, mister. fuckin dry rear end hamburger bitch try to step up to my fuckin garden i will shank him wiht my hari-hari knife. cabbage rear end bitch. gently caress u. ill fry ur brussel sprouts in garlic oil after slicing them in HALF. with my HARI-HARI KNIFE.

*removes glasses, rubs temples, facepalms* wow. really. you really just said that, to me. *facepalms, sighs heavily, rolls eyes while facepalming* yeah. yyou must not know who the gently caress i am, im fuckin captain delphinium of the greater tri-county area garden comission. YES i am the only active member but thats only because the BACKSTABBING TRAITORS who comprise the greater tri-county area garden BOARD chickened out of my mutiny after the erstwhile "leader," Bridgett, refused to let me enter my Sour Diesel plants in the yearly 4-H contest.

*while urinating out a window i refer to as 'Toilet Window'* i'm venmoing u $20 for yardwork because technically? this is fertilizer. youre' WELCOME.

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Capntastic

A dog begins eating a dusty old coil of rope but there's a nail in it.

Good

little munchkin
oh, i'm sorry, was your mind just blown when I told you that I don't even care if my garden is up to your beauty standards? I'll try to let you down easier next time

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

little munchkin
they're not even cherry tomatoes, they're just extremely malnourished regular tomatoes. maybe next time you feel like criticizing you should get your facts straight first

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

cda

by Hand Knit

little munchkin posted:

they're not even cherry tomatoes, they're just extremely malnourished regular tomatoes. maybe next time you feel like criticizing you should get your facts straight first

lol

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

ghost emoji

oooOooOOOooh
so this is where subway buys their lettuce

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cda

by Hand Knit
before you criticize my potato, please understand that it's actually a gopher corpse, but yes, i am digging it up to eat it if you must know

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

cda

by Hand Knit
*flipping through better homes and gardens* photoshopped, photoshopped, photoshopped

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

AverySpecialfriend

by Hand Knit
uhh, yeah, of course i'm burying it in the garden, have you never heard of a green thumb before or something...

Rigged Death Trap

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Listen

I SAID LISTEN

I know this is the third disappearance of a small dog in this neighbourhood.
No I dont care that they were last seen playing in front of my house.
And No I will not do a single thing to my prize winning Giant nocturnal ambulatory pitcher plant.


It's endangered. Im a fuckin conservationalist.


Jeez.

PHIZ KALIFA

#mood
*while looking at literally any unmaintained lot in suburban america*

invasive. invasive. invasive. none of u are clean.

crimes

vanisher

little munchkin posted:

they're not even cherry tomatoes, they're just extremely malnourished regular tomatoes. maybe next time you feel like criticizing you should get your facts straight first



Sig images courtesy of the talented Luvcow, Dumb Sex-Parrot, & Death Sext

mags

I am a congenital optimist.
must be from trabia garden :rolleyes:

AverySpecialfriend

by Hand Knit
if you didn't want me wheeling in all this manure, then why, exactly, is your establishment called 'olive garden'? you'll be hearing from my attorney, you hacks

The X-man cometh

little munchkin posted:

they're not even cherry tomatoes, they're just extremely malnourished regular tomatoes. maybe next time you feel like criticizing you should get your facts straight first

Pre-drying my organic sun-dried tomatoes

PHIZ KALIFA

#mood
DEADLY nightshade? ho ho my friend, you read too many dimestore penny dreadfuls! while yes, that is a nightshade, that is CLIMBING nightshade. DEADLY nightshade is generally found only in Olde Worlde Europe, my deare friende.

crimes

City of Glompton

you call them weeds, I call them an environmentely-sound time-saving technique

City of Glompton

youre welcome for the free dandelions, by the way.

Rigged Death Trap

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

mister magpie posted:

must be from trabia garden :rolleyes:

You assholes should be glad im growing things that attract T-Rexaurs
They beautify the area and bring tourists to our ailing loving town

PHIZ KALIFA

#mood
*while slowly being swallowed by a wall of bittersweet* i thought the red berries looked pretty in winter

crimes

Kthulhu5000

by R. Guyovich
I tossed random handfuls of seeds all over the ground and dumped a six pack of beer over them for nourishment. And then I left it to the bird and squirrels to sort out, so blame them if you don't like it.

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

cda

by Hand Knit
the japanese call it "wabi sabi" and it means letting a garden do whatever it wants

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Kthulhu5000

by R. Guyovich

cda posted:

the japanese call it "wabi sabi" and it means letting a garden do whatever it wants

I tried to set my garden on the right path, but I think that just drove it further to leather jackets, cigarettes, staying out late, and calling me by my first name sarcastically or using some crude epithet.

At this point, I just let it do its thing and hope it gets tired of it, but part of me secretly also hopes it just runs off with a kudzu crowd and is no longer my problem.

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Macnult

cda posted:

the japanese call it "wabi sabi" and it means letting a garden do whatever it wants

Macnult

i stopped mowing my lawn to let my pumpkins grow in peace. halloween is coming up and I don't need troublemakers smashing my pumpkins, let alone comment on what they think makes a garden look "good"

wearing a lampshade

Listen, I don't want to have to pay for fertilizer, this is just as good,so please stop calling bylaw on me for not picking up my dogs poop off my lawn and honestly if he gets it on your lawn I'd say you're pretty lucky because I haven't bothered to factor in cost of adoption, food, training, toys and other accessories to calculate the value of how much fertilizer you're getting for free, but if you really want me to i could start invoicing you, I have a freshbooks account I swear to god I will

PHIZ KALIFA

#mood
"hey, The Smithsonian? I accidentally de-evolved a cucumber into a wild cucumber. it's hanging from the track lighting in my den and screeching at the tops of its lungs. Oh, why in God's name would I do something like that, you ask? Pfft. That's pretty ironic, coming from an organization that wouldn't stop using "squaw" well into the 21st centur- Hello? Hello??"

crimes

Twenty Four


*A bunch of unkept gravel littering the front of my house*

"Hey, don't judge my rock garden"

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
I prefer "compost heap" versus your judgemental "pile of poo poo" but if you want to criticize my ability to plan ahead for a lush form of future organic sustenance while you gloat about that scraggled plot of barren land you tout as a "victory garden" then you do you.

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

PHIZ KALIFA

#mood
i sip my morning soylent as the mist filters through the dense mat of grasses and wildflowers that surround the abandoned cars in my backyard. a family of gophers chew through the chicken wire fencing i erected 5 years ago, somehow ignorant that the entire southern wall collapsed after a bunch of deer hosed on it. they trundle fatly up to the rotted, collapsing wood frames of my raised beds, and tenderly nibble the fungal growth springing from the perpetually damp, thoroughly pressure-treated wood.
"maybe they'll get poisoned and die." I muse, blowing the steam off of my hot mug of soylent. "maybe we'll all die."

crimes

alnilam

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

i sip my morning soylent as the mist filters through the dense mat of grasses and wildflowers that surround the abandoned cars in my backyard. a family of gophers chew through the chicken wire fencing i erected 5 years ago, somehow ignorant that the entire southern wall collapsed after a bunch of deer hosed on it. they trundle fatly up to the rotted, collapsing wood frames of my raised beds, and tenderly nibble the fungal growth springing from the perpetually damp, thoroughly pressure-treated wood.
"maybe they'll get poisoned and die." I muse, blowing the steam off of my hot mug of soylent. "maybe we'll all die."

emoji
Crabgrass is actually really high in iron and vitamin C. Every try using you're brain for a moment?

FutonForensic

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

i sip my morning soylent as the mist filters through the dense mat of grasses and wildflowers that surround the abandoned cars in my backyard. a family of gophers chew through the chicken wire fencing i erected 5 years ago, somehow ignorant that the entire southern wall collapsed after a bunch of deer hosed on it. they trundle fatly up to the rotted, collapsing wood frames of my raised beds, and tenderly nibble the fungal growth springing from the perpetually damp, thoroughly pressure-treated wood.
"maybe they'll get poisoned and die." I muse, blowing the steam off of my hot mug of soylent. "maybe we'll all die."


DragQueenofAngmar

You shall not pass!

PHIZ KALIFA posted:

i sip my morning soylent as the mist filters through the dense mat of grasses and wildflowers that surround the abandoned cars in my backyard. a family of gophers chew through the chicken wire fencing i erected 5 years ago, somehow ignorant that the entire southern wall collapsed after a bunch of deer hosed on it. they trundle fatly up to the rotted, collapsing wood frames of my raised beds, and tenderly nibble the fungal growth springing from the perpetually damp, thoroughly pressure-treated wood.
"maybe they'll get poisoned and die." I muse, blowing the steam off of my hot mug of soylent. "maybe we'll all die."

vanisher

emoji posted:

Crabgrass is actually really high in iron and vitamin C. Every try using you're brain for a moment?

The X-man cometh
You say dandelions, I say a rare variety of native yellow coneflower, I guess we'll never know.

cda

by Hand Knit
every time you say my garden looks like poo poo I'm going to say thank you and you'll look like an rear end

cda

by Hand Knit
Dear Editors,

Regarding the September 27 editorial "cda's Garden Looks Like poo poo," I would like to point out that your description of my rhododendrons as "a travesty" and my ivy patch as a "horticultural abortion," fails to consider the possibility that I want them to look like that, and that the hazardous nature and frankly repulsive appearance of my garden is an intentional act to scare away any butterflies, of which I am intensely afraid. I have given permission to my doctor to release all pertinent medical records should you wish to confirm my rare and tragic phobia, which only a garden that looks like poo poo can assuage. Please do not delay; the psychological damage of your sulfurous broadside grows by the hour, and though my ragwort grows almost as fast, it can only protect me from the fluttering menace, and not from the more pedestrian, but no less harmful, depredations of my fellow man.

I await your retraction.

I remain,
cda

Gone Fashing

KEEP POSTIN
I'M STILL LAFFIN
its probably hard for you to understand, but i was reading at a college level from age 6 and as a result can appreciate the subtlety of dirt's earth tones without needing to muddle it up with "pretty" flowers

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Gone Fashing

KEEP POSTIN
I'M STILL LAFFIN
those of us who developed object permanence abnormally early can appreciate the aesthetic of cigarette butts in beer bottles and red solo cups. maybe think before speaking next time

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