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Foolster41
Aug 2, 2013

"It's a non-speaking role"
(E: I screwed up the post image, I PMed a mod already. That wasn't intentional.)

This is a story that's gone through a few editing passes. I sent it out to magazines and got some rejections, so I'm doing some more editing and going to try again after I get some feedback from my RL writer's group I figured why not get some feedback here too.

Feedback on grammer and stuff is good, but mostly I'm looking for if the flow of the story works (including how backstory is brought up/presented), if the characters ' actions make sense, and how well the themes fit in with the story as a whole. Also, Should I redo the beginning to avoid the "waking up" begining, or does it work, despite being a bit cliche?

Thanks!

Synopsis (Sorry I'm not good at writing these)
A girl finds herself on the pacific coast, alone, and meets a mermaid that presents her with a life changing choice.

Note: This story deals with themes of physical child abuse.

Sarah slowly gained consciousness, opened her eyes. and tried to sit up. As she did, two things hit her hard at once. First was the bright light that made her shut her eyes again and shield them with her hand. The second was a sharp pain across her body, primarily on her right shoulder, her back and head. Sarah shivered with cold and realized she was half sitting-half lying in water up to right above her navel. And she was not wearing any clothes.
Her memory was still hazy. Sarah leaned back down, trying to prop her back where it didn’t hurt as much. She took a moment and allowed her eyes to adjust to the light through her partially closed eyelids. “I must have fallen asleep in the bath." She thought, though she knew that couldn't be true. The surface her back was against didn't feel like the smooth porcelain of the tub, but like rough rock. The water lapped gently against her, stinging parts of her back. The cold wind brushed lightly against her skin. Overhead the light was much too bright to be the gas lamp. She could feel heat of what had to be the sun, but that wouldn't be possible if she was indoors. The air around her smelled and even tasted of saltiness.

Sarah tried to convince herself she was only imagining things and that when she opened her eyes. She would be in her own bath in her own house, and that her father would be knocking on her door telling her to get out and go to bed. Sarah slowly opened her eyes, knowing she wasn't going to like what she saw. Above her was not the lamp in her bathroom but the sun.

She was laying leaning on a rock, half in sea water. She turned and saw the shore about a hundred feet behind her, and the pain in her shoulder returned. Sarah felt her face burning. It didn't look like there was anyone around, there were no signs of life at all, and she hoped no one saw her, naked as she was. Where was she? She didn't recognize this place. She was of course no stranger to the out-of-doors, but it felt so much larger when she was alone. The hazy, drifting memory came to her of being on a ship. On her right shoulder she could see a red welt across that looked familiar. It made her think back of the ship.

“You’re awake. I was worried” Sarah jumped at the motherly woman’s voice from behind her.
Sarah turned to see who spoke. It was a woman who was as naked as she was and in the water less than five yards away. Sarah wondered how she could have gotten so close without her hearing or seeing her.
The woman’s appearance matched Sarah’s first impression of her voice, a mature woman nearing middle age. She was tall, and muscular. Her brown hair hung thick and long over her shoulders.
“Who are you?”

“I am Marie. I pulled you out of the water. It was lucky I found you when I did.” The woman said.
“Thank you. I am Sarah.”
The woman moved to the rock and pulled herself up, and Sarah nearly fainted at what she saw. Not legs as she was expecting, but a tail! It was blue-green and the still-wet scales shimmered in the sun.
“Y-y-you’re a mermaid!”
Marie smiled, and nodded.
“But there’s no such thing.”
“And why do you believe that?” the merwoman’s voice had a touch of laughter in it, bright and without any tone of mockery.

Sarah’s mother had told her stories as long as she could remember about mermaids. Also of the snow queen, dwarves, goblins, clever and brave princesses and princes.

“Because my father told me, and I’d never seen one.” Both were true. She had asked her father one day if he, while sailing ever saw a mermaid and he told her that they were only silly stories.
Marie gave a light laugh, as innocent as the first. “Not seeing something does not mean it doesn’t exist, child. Perhaps you never saw one, because you didn’t believe, and so didn’t actually care to look. At any rate, to not believe in a mermaid now is to not believe in you.”

The woman pointed towards Sarah’s submerged legs.

Sarah looked down. The blue-green water wasn’t clear enough to see more than faint colors. But where she expected to see at least the blobs of flesh color of her long, slender legs she saw nothing. She tried moving her right leg, but it felt like it was stuck, or rather tied to her left leg. With a splash she raised her foot out of the water, and she got a shock when she saw instead of her foot the end of a tail! With a flutter in her chest she pulled herself up onto the rock. Where her legs once were was a tail, like the one the merwoman had.
“You did this?” Sarah shouted more an exclamation than a question.
Marie nodded. “It is our way. The only way I could save you was to change you to one of us. It is my right to claim you as my daughter, since I saved your life.”
The woman reached forward and put her hand on Sarah’s left shoulder, and though it did not hurt, Sarah pulled away as if her hand burned. “Don’t touch me.”
“I will not force you to come with me unwillingly. But listen, a merfolk’s life isn’t perfect, but you would be loved, as a daughter of the sea.”

Marie held out her hand. Sarah looked past her, over the horizon she could see the shape of a ship, a wooden galley with white sails on three tall masts. Though it was far away she knew instantly that it was her father’s ship. It was traveling along the shore moving towards her.

“No. I must go back.” Sarah said. “My father loves me, and is looking for me.”
The merwoman didn’t answer, or even look at Sarah, but looked at the ship for a silent moment, then spoke. “Were you loved? It seems your life has not been very happy.”
Sarah gasped. “How could you say that?!”
“I am not blind; I know the sea did not put those marks on your back.”
Sarah arched her back and looked at what she could of it. She could see the ends of red welts across her back. A memory come to her, of her standing shirtless holding the wood railing of the ship and crying as her father beat her with his belt. Her hands hurt as she gripped hard the rail as the lashes came. She felt the grains of wood etch into her hand. She remembered feeling embarrassment. Not for her state of undress, for she still looked the same as any of the ship's boys, but also being punished in front of them all. They stood there, too afraid to intervene. Her father was captain, and his word was law. It was then that a sudden wave came that swept her from the ship, She cried out, but the waves were too strong. She felt the burning in her lungs, and then blackness.
“I spoke back to my father.” Sarah lowered her eyes. “I deserved to be punished.”
“NO!” Marie almost shouted, the contrast of the merwoman’s past gentle tone jared and shook Sarah. Though there was volume and force there was no anger. The merwoman looked away and down, showing embarrassment that she had shouted. In the softer tone she had used before she said “that is a lie. Tell me, how old are you?”
“Almost twelve.”

The woman opened her mouth, and gasped. “You are younger than I even thought. No child, much less one so young deserves to be treated like that. it’s not love. ”

Was this woman right? Maybe what seemed like justice wasn’t at all. To be free of pain from her father’s justice sounded too good. Could Sarah trust her? Was it a trick? how did Sarah know this mermaid wasn’t luring her to kill her, or even eat her? She remembered what her father told her about people telling soothing and nice sounding lies, and that it was better to hear harsh truths. But wasn’t it worth the risk? Would she even take her once she knew the reason why her father was angry with her so often. She opened her mouth to speak, but she found she couldn’t force the words out. The shame of saying it out loud, and even more to someone else was too hard. Finally she took a deep breath and pushed it all out. “It was my fault my mother died.”

Sarah remembered the night well, four years ago. It was an unusually cold and snowy winter in January. It was the first time Sarah remembered seeing snow.

“I was ill. She went to get medicine for me. My father says she couldn’t or didn’t want to return because I was so disobedient.” Sarah couldn’t see the reaction on the merwoman’s face, she couldn’t bear to look.
“No, child. I am sure that is a terrible lie. Did you see any hint that she didn't intend on returning?"
Sarah had no answer. She couldn't think of any, but it was what her father always told her, why would he lie, all these years?
“I can’t promise there won’t be any more sadness, or pain or punishment when you are bad, but I can promise you I will love you, and I will be fair. I know it wasn’t chance that I found you when I did.”
Sarah hesitated.
“It is your choice, I can take you to the ship and change you back. But you can have so much better, and can see what love really is. You have to make the choice to dive deep with me, and trust me and see what will happen. “
“How can I live underwater?”
“A mermaid is a daughter of the deep. You need not fear that.”
“But, won't it be different?”
.“Indeed! That is the best thing.” She said, bursting out with a lightness “Yes, the good things will be different too, but I promise you will adjust. Live below is better than above, much more for those who have had lives like yours.”
Marie reached out her hand. Sarah hesitated, then she slowly reached out her hand and Marie gently took it. She would take the chance. In a moment there was a sound of a splash, and then silence.

***

Years later, sailors reported seeing a girl in the water The captain swore he saw his daughter he had lost at sea. But then with a laugh she disappeared into the waves, as if she had only been a sailor's mirage.

“Come away, O human child!
To the waters and the wild
With a faery, hand in hand,
For the world's more full of weeping than you can understand.” -W. B. Yeats

Foolster41 fucked around with this message at 01:50 on Jan 21, 2018

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Exmond
May 31, 2007

Writing is fun!

Foolster41 posted:


Sarah slowly gained consciousness, opened her eyes. and tried to sit up. As she did, two things hit her hard at once. First was the bright light that made her shut her eyes again and shield them with her hand. The second was a sharp pain across her body, primarily on her right shoulder, her back and head. Sarah shivered with cold and realized she was half sitting-half lying in water up to right above her navel. And she was not wearing any clothes.
Her memory was still hazy. Sarah leaned back down, trying to prop her back where it didn’t hurt as much. She took a moment and allowed her eyes to adjust to the light through her partially closed eyelids. “I must have fallen asleep in the bath." She thought, though she knew that couldn't be true. The surface her back was against didn't feel like the smooth porcelain of the tub, but like rough rock. The water lapped gently against her, stinging parts of her back. The cold wind brushed lightly against her skin. Overhead the light was much too bright to be the gas lamp. She could feel heat of what had to be the sun, but that wouldn't be possible if she was indoors. The air around her smelled and even tasted of saltiness.


Nice error in the starting sentence, proofread your stuff and you don't get to say "Please ignore grammar and etc".

We are getting a lot of "This wasn't possible" or "She knew that X couldn't be true". Bit odd to include those things, but I'm aimed towards flash fiction. So , So far we have have Sarah waking up in a bathtub that is weird. Lets go!

your story posted:

Sarah tried to convince herself she was only imagining things and that when she opened her eyes. She would be in her own bath in her own house, and that her father would be knocking on her door telling her to get out and go to bed. Sarah slowly opened her eyes, knowing she wasn't going to like what she saw. Above her was not the lamp in her bathroom but the sun.

She was laying leaning on a rock, half in sea water. She turned and saw the shore about a hundred feet behind her, and the pain in her shoulder returned. Sarah felt her face burning. It didn't look like there was anyone around, there were no signs of life at all, and she hoped no one saw her, naked as she was. Where was she? She didn't recognize this place. She was of course no stranger to the out-of-doors, but it felt so much larger when she was alone. The hazy, drifting memory came to her of being on a ship. On her right shoulder she could see a red welt across that looked familiar. It made her think back of the ship.


Proofread, have you been sending this out with these errors? So, you have reptition in here that bugs me. Get it out of there! I allready know she doesn't know where she is, don't hammer it in with "She didn't recognize this place!". So far Sarah is confused and doesn't know where she is. Get to the point please.

your story posted:

“You’re awake. I was worried” Sarah jumped at the motherly woman’s voice from behind her.
Sarah turned to see who spoke. It was a woman who was as naked as she was and in the water less than five yards away. Sarah wondered how she could have gotten so close without her hearing or seeing her. (SO TOO DOES THE READER)
The woman’s appearance matched Sarah’s first impression of her voice, a mature woman nearing middle age. She was tall, and muscular. Her brown hair hung thick and long over her shoulders.
“Who are you?”

“I am Marie. I pulled you out of the water. It was lucky I found you when I did.” The woman said.
“Thank you. I am Sarah.”
The woman moved to the rock and pulled herself up, and Sarah nearly fainted at what she saw. Not legs as she was expecting, but a tail! It was blue-green and the still-wet scales shimmered in the sun.
“Y-y-you’re a mermaid!”
Marie smiled, and nodded.
“But there’s no such thing.”
“And why do you believe that?” the merwoman’s voice had a touch of laughter in it, bright and without any tone of mockery.

Pssst, I know why this story got rejected. Proofread and read up on Dialogue Tags. After each thing of dialogue you need punctuation baby! Either a comma, period or exclamation mark. And YES YOUR GRAMMAR MATTERS, I don't care how good your idea is If I keep slamming into a wall of bad grammar.

Okay, so we are generic amnesia trope and FINALLY we get some action, yeah mermaids ahoy. I loving love other creatures, monsters and etc so Lets do this! Also you did like, the most boring description of someone. "She was tall (Checkbox), muscular (Another checkbox), brown hair (Checkbox) and her hair was thick and long". Use your prose! loving make that hair flap in the wind, knots weaved into it as if pressed from a loom! She was tall, muscular but not imposing, more like an Aphrodite than an Ares. Come on, make this story sing, make it have character, don't make it a wikipedia page!


your story posted:


Sarah’s mother had told her stories as long as she could remember about mermaids. Also of the snow queen, dwarves, goblins, clever and brave princesses and princes.

“Because my father told me, and I’d never seen one.” Both were true. She had asked her father one day if he, while sailing ever saw a mermaid and he told her that they were only silly stories.

Stop.. repeating..yourself. LITERALLY A FEW WORDS AGO you told me her father told her. And then you go to expand on it.

your story posted:

Marie gave a light laugh, as innocent as the first. “Not seeing something does not mean it doesn’t exist, child. Perhaps you never saw one, because you didn’t believe, and so didn’t actually care to look. At any rate, to not believe in a mermaid now is to not believe in you.”

The woman pointed towards Sarah’s submerged legs.

Sarah looked down. The blue-green water wasn’t clear enough to see more than faint colors. But where she expected to see at least the blobs of flesh color of her long, slender legs she saw nothing. She tried moving her right leg, but it felt like it was stuck, or rather tied to her left leg. With a splash she raised her foot out of the water, and she got a shock when she saw instead of her foot the end of a tail! With a flutter in her chest she pulled herself up onto the rock. Where her legs once were was a tail, like the one the merwoman had.
“You did this?” Sarah shouted more an exclamation than a question. (Then why does the dialogue end in a question mark)
Marie nodded. “It is our way. The only way I could save you was to change you to one of us. It is my right to claim you as my daughter, since I saved your life.”
The woman reached forward and put her hand on Sarah’s left shoulder, and though it did not hurt, Sarah pulled away as if her hand burned. “Don’t touch me.”
“I will not force you to come with me unwillingly. But listen, a merfolk’s life isn’t perfect, but you would be loved, as a daughter of the sea.”

Marie held out her hand. Sarah looked past her, over the horizon she could see the shape of a ship, a wooden galley with white sails on three tall masts. Though it was far away she knew instantly that it was her father’s ship. It was traveling along the shore moving towards her.

“No. I must go back.” Sarah said. “My father loves me, and is looking for me.”
The merwoman didn’t answer, or even look at Sarah, but looked at the ship for a silent moment, then spoke. “Were you loved? It seems your life has not been very happy.”
Sarah gasped. “How could you say that?!”
“I am not blind; I know the sea did not put those marks on your back.”
Sarah arched her back and looked at what she could of it. She could see the ends of red welts across her back. A memory come to her, of her standing shirtless holding the wood railing of the ship and crying as her father beat her with his belt. Her hands hurt as she gripped hard the rail as the lashes came. She felt the grains of wood etch into her hand. She remembered feeling embarrassment. Not for her state of undress, for she still looked the same as any of the ship's boys, but also being punished in front of them all. They stood there, too afraid to intervene. Her father was captain, and his word was law. It was then that a sudden wave came that swept her from the ship, She cried out, but the waves were too strong. She felt the burning in her lungs, and then blackness.

Full stop. Don't include memories where the story demands them. Have them come before, hint at them. (I dunno maybe thats why her shoulder hurts). This seems like Deus Ex Memory and was enough to topple my suspension of disbelief. Things were going well for a bit, but this seems way to convienient that she remembers. If you are going to go for an angle where the mermaid is tricking the girl, this could work. But you would need to rework the tone.

Also apart from showing shock, Sarah has uhh, hasn't done much. Please dont make a passive protagnoist.

quote:

“I spoke back to my father.” Sarah lowered her eyes. “I deserved to be punished.” (GOOOOOD)
“NO!” Marie almost shouted, the contrast of the merwoman’s past gentle tone jared and shook Sarah. Though there was volume and force there was no anger. The merwoman looked away and down, showing embarrassment that she had shouted. In the softer tone she had used before she said “that is a lie. Tell me, how old are you?”
“Almost twelve.”

The woman opened her mouth, and gasped. “You are younger than I even thought. No child, much less one so young deserves to be treated like that. it’s not love. ”

Was this woman right? Maybe what seemed like justice wasn’t at all. To be free of pain from her father’s justice sounded too good. Could Sarah trust her? Was it a trick? how did Sarah know this mermaid wasn’t luring her to kill her, or even eat her? She remembered what her father told her about people telling soothing and nice sounding lies, and that it was better to hear harsh truths. But wasn’t it worth the risk? Would she even take her once she knew the reason why her father was angry with her so often. She opened her mouth to speak, but she found she couldn’t force the words out. The shame of saying it out loud, and even more to someone else was too hard. Finally she took a deep breath and pushed it all out. “It was my fault my mother died.”

Pssst, loving proofread. Allright. Gerd drat, this paragraph is preachy. I wanna know more about sarah, and instead we have your child trauma stuff getting in the way. Just , all of a sudden Sarah is like "yeah your right, except maybe no, no your right." Except we have Sarah blaming herself for her mothers death but, the character doesn't read that way. Instead what we have is the story needing sarah to blame herself so the story can teach us something, but the way you wrote Sarah she.. hardly blames herself. It comes out of left field, a sucker punch to be like HAH, SEE! These kind of things can work, even if they do betray the character, but it doesn't work for me in this case.

quote:

Sarah remembered the night well, four years ago. It was an unusually cold and snowy winter in January. It was the first time Sarah remembered seeing snow.

“I was ill. She went to get medicine for me. My father says she couldn’t or didn’t want to return because I was so disobedient.” Sarah couldn’t see the reaction on the merwoman’s face, she couldn’t bear to look.
“No, child. I am sure that is a terrible lie. Did you see any hint that she didn't intend on returning?"
Sarah had no answer. She couldn't think of any, but it was what her father always told her, why would he lie, all these years?
“I can’t promise there won’t be any more sadness, or pain or punishment when you are bad, but I can promise you I will love you, and I will be fair. I know it wasn’t chance that I found you when I did.”
Sarah hesitated.

-_________________________-. You serious. Mermaid says "no child, your father is a dick" and Sarah is like yup. Where is the angst, where is Sarah deciding that she is going to leave someone who loves her, who fed her, but ultimately mistreats her. WHERE IS THE DRAMA BABY, IT AINT IN THIS PARAGRAPH.

your story posted:


“It is your choice, I can take you to the ship and change you back. But you can have so much better, and can see what love really is. You have to make the choice to dive deep with me, and trust me and see what will happen. “

yes, girl who has been abused and I have undermined her father's position, trust ME, because I'm GOOD. I'm not bad, unlike your father. I have literally just shattered the image of your father into PIECES, now TRUST ME!

Your story posted:

“How can I live underwater?”
“A mermaid is a daughter of the deep. You need not fear that.”
“But, won't it be different?”
.“Indeed! That is the best thing.” She said, bursting out with a lightness “Yes, the good things will be different too, but I promise you will adjust. Live below is better than above, much more for those who have had lives like yours.”
Marie reached out her hand. Sarah hesitated, then she slowly reached out her hand and Marie gently took it. She would take the chance. In a moment there was a sound of a splash, and then silence.

And Sarah trusts the mermaid with no question! Allright first big thing

PROOFREAD, yeah you don't get to get away from this. Too many errors, I put what I noticed in bold when I read through.

Did sarah make an action? DId she actually make a choice? Maybe, but it was done so quickly and with no thought that it was hella lame. She swims into the mermaids hands, there is like maybe a self second of doubt. And she completly trusts a stranger, after that stranger disses her father. So no, Sarah's actions don't make sense.

Deus Ex machina - Suddenly welts on sarah's back, Suddenly memories. I dislike this.

The "climax" for me was when sarah blames herself for her mom missing. That was real , that was something. That was something anybody could relate to; guilt. And lemme tell you, anyone who has encountered guilt knows that it isn't a loving sit down session that clears you of guilt, especially not one delivered in 2 sentences by a mermaid, and not something of this magnitude. I ruined dinner, maybe a sit down to get calmer and people telling me they understand. Ill want to make it up to them. I loving cause someone to die? And I think it's my fault. That's gonna take some serious therapy to get over, not a 2-minute talk with a mermaid.

Who is your target audience by the way? I ask this in full seriousness. This feel-good, everything is happy story, seems aimed at abused kids, or people slightly close to the issue, but maybe not at the heart of it.

Foolster41
Aug 2, 2013

"It's a non-speaking role"
Thanks for the feedback.

I don't know how those periods got stuck in the middle of those sentences. It looks like maybe I was trying to shorten the sentences up, so I think that was editing after I sent it out to magazines (I hope so).

quote:

Okay, so we are generic amnesia trope and FINALLY we get some action, yeah mermaids ahoy. I loving love other creatures, monsters and etc so Lets do this! Also you did like, the most boring description of someone. "She was tall (Checkbox), muscular (Another checkbox), brown hair (Checkbox) and her hair was thick and long". Use your prose! loving make that hair flap in the wind, knots weaved into it as if pressed from a loom! She was tall, muscular but not imposing, more like an Aphrodite than an Ares. Come on, make this story sing, make it have character, don't make it a wikipedia page!

Good point. I'll work on describing her with better details.

quote:

Stop.. repeating..yourself. LITERALLY A FEW WORDS AGO you told me her father told her. And then you go to expand on it.
I guess I thought I was adding more detail with the "silly stories" part, but yeah it does come off as a bit repetitious perhaps.

quote:

Full stop. Don't include memories where the story demands them. Have them come before, hint at them. (I dunno maybe thats why her shoulder hurts). This seems like Deus Ex Memory and was enough to topple my suspension of disbelief. Things were going well for a bit, but this seems way to convienient that she remembers. If you are going to go for an angle where the mermaid is tricking the girl, this could work. But you would need to rework the tone.

I was trying to explain more the reasoning why she had the injuries. Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but are you saying I shouldn't flashback at all to this? How can I then more explicitly have this happen in the story, and start in media res?

quote:

Also apart from showing shock, Sarah has uhh, hasn't done much. Please dont make a passive protagnoist.
Yeah, she is kind of passive in this story. Mainly the story is about the descision she makes at the end. Since most of the story is a conversation, I'm not sure how to make her more active. Something I'll keep in mind, especially if I try to work this into a longer thing.

quote:

“I spoke back to my father.” Sarah lowered her eyes. “I deserved to be punished.” (GOOOOOD)
“NO!” Marie almost shouted, the contrast of the merwoman’s past gentle tone jared and shook Sarah. Though there was volume and force there was no anger. The merwoman looked away and down, showing embarrassment that she had shouted. In the softer tone she had used before she said “that (That's?) is a lie. Tell me, how old are you?”
“Almost twelve.”

The woman opened her mouth, and gasped. “You are younger than I even thought. No child, much less one so young deserves to be treated like that. it’s not love. ”
I'm not sure I understand what's wrong with the bolded words, besides maybe not using a contraction.

That section is a bit preachy, and needs some work.

Fair point about Sarah making the decision too quickly. I tried to make it feel like she's desciding (going back and forth between wanting to go back or not), but maybe I didn't spend enough time on the decision.

quote:

Deus Ex machina - Suddenly welts on sarah's back, Suddenly memories. I dislike this.
I'm not sure what you mean by sudden welts. I describe them in the first and third paragraphs. Is it that it's not clear they're welts?

quote:

The "climax" for me was when sarah blames herself for her mom missing. That was real , that was something. That was something anybody could relate to; guilt. And lemme tell you, anyone who has encountered guilt knows that it isn't a loving sit down session that clears you of guilt, especially not one delivered in 2 sentences by a mermaid, and not something of this magnitude. I ruined dinner, maybe a sit down to get calmer and people telling me they understand. Ill want to make it up to them. I loving cause someone to die? And I think it's my fault. That's gonna take some serious therapy to get over, not a 2-minute talk with a mermaid.

I guess that's the problem, the story centers on a single encounter with the mermaid, and that's perhaps unrealistic she'd come to a desiccation like this so easily, so maybe it needs to be somehow drawn out to a longer period. I guess I was trying to keep it short, and thus why it's only a single encounter.

quote:

Who is your target audience by the way? I ask this in full seriousness. This feel-good, everything is happy story, seems aimed at abused kids, or people slightly close to the issue, but maybe not at the heart of it.
I don't really ever have a target audience in mind, I just write stories I find interesting.

I do appreciate the feedback.

Exmond
May 31, 2007

Writing is fun!

Foolster41 posted:



I'm not sure I understand what's wrong with the bolded words, besides maybe not using a contraction.


Exmond paced around the room and said, "Look up Dialogue tags and answer your own question."

FormerPoster
Aug 5, 2004

Hair Elf

Foolster41 posted:

Yeah, she is kind of passive in this story. Mainly the story is about the descision she makes at the end... I tried to make it feel like she's desciding (going back and forth between wanting to go back or not), but maybe I didn't spend enough time on the decision.

There is no decision. Her father is A Bad Guy (tm) and she has no attachments to anything else. If she had a difficult decision to make, she'd be deciding between two equally compelling options. You go out of your way to make her life on the surface seem extra crappy, so there's no impact when she decides to leave it behind. She sacrifices nothing and gets a better life anyway. No decision, no conflict, no story.

Foolster41
Aug 2, 2013

"It's a non-speaking role"
So, I asked someone else. Is this better?

“I spoke back to my father.” Sarah lowered her eyes. “I deserved to be punished.”
“No!” Marie almost shouted, the contrast of the merwoman’s past gentle tone jarred and shook Sarah.
Though there was volume, and force, there was no anger. The merwoman looked away and down, showing embarrassment that she had shouted.
In the softer tone she had used before she said,That's a lie. Tell me, how old are you?”
“Almost twelve.”

The woman opened her mouth[-,] and gasped. “You are younger than I even thought. No child, much less one so young, deserves to be treated like that. It’s not love. ”

(And it'd been nice if you said something like "commas before the quotes and your capitalization is wrong" rather than having me look it up/ask someone else, since I'm asking you. 99% of your other advice was helpful, this really wasn't).

Naerasa posted:

There is no decision. Her father is A Bad Guy (tm) and she has no attachments to anything else. If she had a difficult decision to make, she'd be deciding between two equally compelling options. You go out of your way to make her life on the surface seem extra crappy, so there's no impact when she decides to leave it behind. She sacrifices nothing and gets a better life anyway. No decision, no conflict, no story.

Yeah, that's a good point. I need to not lay it on heavy with how terrible her life is, and bring up some good parts.

Foolster41 fucked around with this message at 04:38 on Jan 24, 2018

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Exmond
May 31, 2007

Writing is fun!

Foolster41 posted:

So, I asked someone else. Is this better?

“I spoke back to my father.” Sarah lowered her eyes. “I deserved to be punished.”
“No!” Marie almost shouted, the contrast of the merwoman’s past gentle tone jarred and shook Sarah.
Though there was volume, and force, there was no anger. The merwoman looked away and down, showing embarrassment that she had shouted.
In the softer tone she had used before she said,That's a lie. Tell me, how old are you?”
“Almost twelve.”


The Grammar looks good. The first bit there might be "I did blah," Sarah lowered her eyes, "I blahd." but I don't think so. Get another opinion on that one.

I don't really want to explain Dialogue Tags, and was very happy that you found it on your own! You should read Eats, Shoots & Leaves for more grammar things.

Listen, I am a random guy on the internet critiquing your piece where you asked for it. You should take the grammar rules to heart, nothing gets in the way of a story like bad grammar. But I'd caution on taking one single persons advice on story. Listen to it, but feel free ignore it. If two or three people mention something (about the lack of choice in the story) than take it to heart.

So now we have a big elephant in the room, Sarah doesn't really make a choice here does she. She's the casino, everything is in her favour and the house wins. I'd argue that can be a story, but let's not go breaking rules just yet.

There are a number of ways you can change the story to make it a choice
1) Make the mermaid evil, or well not an angel delivered via Deus Ex Machina, a choice between lesser evils.
2) Make Sarah's "abuse" questionable (This is a toughie, good luck). Shes a child, maybe the vicious punishment was that her ipad got stolen or something
3) Change the POV to the mermaid (You still need to have a choice in your story. Maybe the mermaid has to sacrifice her tail for Sarah to become a mermaid or something)

One thing I would suggest you do i s cut , or rewrite, the amnesia part (Remember, get other opinoins!), it serves little purpose. Get to the heart of your story "Sarah woke up, a fin slapping her awake. She turned, paused for a moment to pick up her jaw and said, "Y.. Your a mermaid!".

Write the story from there, see where it goes and then expand it.





And now for some kayfabe:

You can continue to whine about Dialogue Tags, or you could join Thunderdome, lay down a gauntlet and brawl me. (Or join the prompt)

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