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jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS
Ladies, Gentlemen, the Irish and other lower races. It is my most sincere and genuine honour to welcome you to the finest chemist in all of London; J.B Flumpwhistle & Sons, purveyors of unguents salves and tinctures to Her Majesty Queen Victoria. Our curatives are unmatched anywhere in the empire, may my mutton chops be dashed from my face and my moustache be struck waxless should I tell a lie.

Perhaps your little one suffers from factory urchin's lung, for only 5 shillings and sixpence I shall provide you with Dr. Chalrymple's Children's Herocaine tonic. The gentle infusion of Heroin and Cocaine is specially formulated to be gentle on even the most malnourished and polio riddled infant, a quick swig and they'll be back at the armaments works building rifles to destroy godless savages in no time.

Maybe you have some manner of perversion, perhaps you have designs on animals, foreigners or, worst of all, other men. Fear not gentle patron, for to the rescue comes Reverend Wankering's disengorgement balm. This miraculous concoction of mercury, lead and the finest and purest radium will render your member both impervious and oblivious to even the most buxom and sultry of Whitechapel's harlots and strumpets.

Speaking of which, are you a lady of the night? Perhaps you are concerned that you may be the next to fall victim to old Jack's grizzly workings. Fear not my dear fallen ladies for the solution lies in Professor Smodt's anti murder perfume. It is a little known fact that the degenerate female slayer has an olfactory system quite unlike our own and this difference may be exploited. The formulation of ox musk, tamarind and powdered black rhino horn will flummox even the most determined womb collector while at the same time leaving honest patrons unperturbed. All yours for just 17 shillings, expensive perhaps, but no price is too high to pay for safety. Should you find yourself without the cash on hand at present simply step into the more discrete settings of my phrenology nook where we can discuss other arrangements.

All these miracles of modern British medical science, and many others can be yours for prices affordable to even the most destitute opium addled wastrel, not that I would allow such people in my establishment of course. So gentle patrons, come one come all, tell me of your ailments so that I may sell to you your salvation.

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ScRoTo TuRbOtUrD
Jan 21, 2007

I'll split some cocaine and malt fizz or me and my nigga cubone, a true soda jerk

Smashurbanipal
Sep 12, 2009
ASK ME ABOUT BEING A SHITTY POSTER
Oi guv, got 'ny cock sheathes? don' want no weeper agin.

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

SCROTO TURBOSPERG posted:

I'll split some cocaine and malt fizz or me and my nigga cubone

Would you prefer Colombian or Peruvian cocaine? The Peruvian is by all accounts markedly less swarthy than his Colombian counterpart? And with skull measurements more closely resembling the civilised races of the earth to boot. For this reason I charge 6 pence more per quarter ounce for the Peruvian, steep perhaps, but is it not worth paying more knowing that your cocaine passed through whiter hands?

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Smashurbanipal posted:

Oi guv, got 'ny cock sheathes? don' want no weeper agin.

The working class prophylactics are one haypenny, I make a loss on every one I sell but consider it my civic duty to prevent your kind from reproducing. If you would prefer a more permanent solution you may consider waiting before drinking away the next threpenny bit that finds it's way into your possession, for I have the cleanest neutering table in London, and my rates are extremely reasonable.

VikingSkull
Jan 23, 2017
Look Viking you're a trash Trump supporter what the fuck makes you think you can have an avatar that isn't what I decide? Shut your fucking trap and go away. Your trolling is tiresome and just shits up the forum.
do you have anything for the vapors, my wife catches them something fierce

Bloopsy
Jun 1, 2006

you have been visited by the Tasty Garlic Bread. you will be blessed by having good Garlic Bread in your life time, but only if you comment "ty garlic bread" in the thread below
Hemorrhoids. I've got them real bad.

That Robot
Sep 16, 2004

ask me anything about robots
Buglord
give me a glass of the robert heinlein special, op

Nigmaetcetera
Nov 17, 2004

borkborkborkmorkmorkmork-gabbalooins
Perhaps you can help me. Recently my neighbor (a papist) lost his job at the soot factory, and has been daily stealing the pies my wife leaves to cool on our windowsill, presumably to provide sustenance to his accursed, swarthy brood. I require a poison with the appropriate characteristics to rectify the situation.

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

VikingSkull posted:

do you have anything for the vapors, my wife catches them something fierce

My dear sir, may I offer you my sincere condolences that your wife finds herself at present even more weak and useless than the pathetic norm for her sex. May I suggest Cramblethornes amphetamine salts to give her some vim, along with injections of extract of chimpanzee gland to strengthen her constitution. 13 shillings for the salts, due to the rarity of the raw materials the gland extract will be 3 guineas, a high price I know, but a man of obviously impeccable race and breeding such as your self will surely find himself more than able to afford it.

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004

Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die
Nap Ghost
Well I'm feeling OK, but I am running a little low on snake oil...

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

That Robot posted:

give me a glass of the robert heinlein special, op

We don't carry any products made by the filthy Hun in this establishment sir, I would kindly ask that you take your custom elsewhere.

Nigmaetcetera posted:

Perhaps you can help me. Recently my neighbor (a papist) lost his job at the soot factory, and has been daily stealing the pies my wife leaves to cool on our windowsill, presumably to provide sustenance to his accursed, swarthy brood. I require a poison with the appropriate characteristics to rectify the situation.

I am most sorry sir, but that damned fool Gladstone and his cursed Liberal party have just outlawed the poisoning of papists. If you contact your local constabulary I'm sure they will be more than happy to send a few strapping young constables to beat him within an inch of his life.

*leans in and whispers* come back after I close, I have a compound of such virulence as to cleanse the earth of his entire vile fenian brood.

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Mozi posted:

Well I'm feeling OK, but I am running a little low on snake oil...

Ah, trouble satisfying your good lady wife is it? Well fear not my dear fellow. This establishment is the very soul of discretion, our clients embarrassing problems never leave these walls.

Is the problem one of potency or girth, I generally prescribe venomous snakes for the former and constrictors for the latter.

Bloopsy posted:

Hemorrhoids. I've got them real bad.
Hmmm. Captain Mottram's gentle Cholera pills taken orally should soften those stools up so as not to aggravate the issue further, as for the piles themselves a generous dusting of Schmendrick's rectal opium powder 3 times a day should be just the ticket.

jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 01:39 on Apr 23, 2018

Maldoror
Oct 5, 2003

by R. Guyovich
Nap Ghost
Hi, I'm Doctor Sniffysnuff Smellybottoms. Please, try my product.

bvj191jgl7bBsqF5m
Apr 16, 2017

Í̝̰ ͓̯̖̫̹̯̤A҉m̺̩͝ ͇̬A̡̮̞̠͚͉̱̫ K̶e͓ǵ.̻̱̪͖̹̟̕
I'm just here for some phosphate soda

Tetracube
Feb 12, 2014

by LITERALLY AN ADMIN
I must confess my *ahem*male member*ahem* is quite small, and I often find it quite difficult to engage in intercourse with my wife or any of the several escorts I court. Do you have any concoctions to enlarge my masculinity, good sir?

Xenocides
Jan 14, 2008

This world looks very scary....


I purchased some boil salve from you last week and rubbed it on the boils on my arm and the arm rotted off. I must ask for a refund and an unguent that will grow my arm back. Preferably without the demons and boils from the first one.

gleebster
Dec 16, 2006

Only a howler
Pillbug
Just a pint of laudanum, please. Hmm, come to think of it, make it a quart; it'll save me a trip.

Chumbawumba4ever97
Dec 31, 2000

by Fluffdaddy
i cant remember what 7 x 6 is no matter how many times i try, what do you have for me ?

Maldoror
Oct 5, 2003

by R. Guyovich
Nap Ghost
here, drink this lye

Emmideer
Oct 20, 2011

Lovely night, no?
Grimey Drawer
Can you make a mercury-based alchemy potion to extend my lifespan?

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Maldoror posted:

Hi, I'm Doctor Sniffysnuff Smellybottoms. Please, try my product.

I am always looking for new products, if you would care to meet me this evening at Sir Geoffrey Molleston's school for lackwit children so as tests may be conducted on some of the inmates. I subject all my suppliers to the highest standards of testing.

bvj191jgl7bBsqF5m posted:

I'm just here for some phosphate soda

Would sir prefer powdered, granulated, solid ingots or the children's beverage?

Tetracube posted:

I must confess my *ahem*male member*ahem* is quite small, and I often find it quite difficult to engage in intercourse with my wife or any of the several escorts I court. Do you have any concoctions to enlarge my masculinity, good sir?

Oil of the amazonian anaconda injected into the base twice a day should provide the gains you seek. However before suggesting such a drastic measure have you considered the possibility that it may be the woman's fault? They may have what we in the medical profession call vaginal gigantism. If you were to bring your wife or one of your escorts to the shop after business hours I could conduct an examination in the privacy of my phrenology nook.

Xenocides posted:

I purchased some boil salve from you last week and rubbed it on the boils on my arm and the arm rotted off. I must ask for a refund and an unguent that will grow my arm back. Preferably without the demons and boils from the first one.

Sir, if you remember our discussion, you asked me what the cheapest way was to get rid of the boils. I postulated that, at a price of 3 shillings and sixpence, Purvess' amputation substitute would fit that description, a harmless joke on my part. To my dismay you pressed the money into my hand, grabbed an ampule from the display and ran out of the store before I could tell you what it actually does. The product behaved exactly as it is supposed to, if you must blame something for your current predicament, blame your own hastiness. I will be happy to sell you an ampule of Purves' arm substitute at a discounted price of 14 shillings as a show of goodwill.

gleebster posted:

Just a pint of laudanum, please. Hmm, come to think of it, make it a quart; it'll save me a trip.

We are all out of laudanum in its raw form at present sir, I should be receiving a delivery on the morrow. In the meantime may I suggest a box of Smethlewink's laudanum fancies, the liquorice really brings out the laudanum.

Uncle at Nintendo posted:

i cant remember what 7 x 6 is no matter how many times i try, what do you have for me ?

Campston's Embrainment cigarillos, the infusion of nicotine belladonna and opium is a powerful mental invigourant. Unfortunately dunderheadedness is at present a chronic malady so unless a cure is found you will need to smoke 2 packs every day for the rest of your natural life. Alternatively I could introduce you to my good friend Sir Geoffrey Molleston, strapping lads such as yourself are just the kind of sort he is looking for to enrol at his school. Maybe he can provide the help you need.

Maldoror posted:

here, drink this lye

Sir, this is a chemist, not one of Mr Barnham's infernal abomination parades, you should know this as you just tried to sell me some of your product, which I am still eager to see demonstrated. If you are desperate to see people drink things may suggest the nearest hostelry, or maybe ample molly 3 doors down, she'll put anything in her mouth.

Jon Joe posted:

Can you make a mercury-based alchemy potion to extend my lifespan?

Alas no, however the good Doctor Bumoll makes an excellent Arsenic and Strychnine based dandelion and burdock that will extend your lifespan. And it just so happens that I have this wonderful product in stock.

jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 02:53 on Apr 23, 2018

Mr. Meagles
Apr 30, 2004

Out here, everything hurts


u got any weed bruh

Xenocides
Jan 14, 2008

This world looks very scary....


jazzyhattrick posted:

Sir, if you remember our discussion, you asked me what the cheapest way was to get rid of the boils. I postulated that, at a price of 3 shillings and sixpence, Purvess' amputation substitute would fit that description, a harmless joke on my part. To my dismay you pressed the money into my hand, grabbed an ampule from the display and ran out of the store before I could tell you what it actually does. The product behaved exactly as it is supposed to, if you must blame something for your current predicament, blame your own hastiness. I will be happy to sell you an ampule of Purves' arm substitute at a discounted price of 14 shillings as a show of goodwill.

I name you a cad and a shyster and demand satisfaction.....



.....as soon as my dueling arm grows back.

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Tom Gorman posted:

u got any weed bruh

Sir, in this store we speak the Queen's English.

Xenocides posted:

I name you a cad and a shyster and demand satisfaction.....



.....as soon as my dueling arm grows back.

Sir, you cut me to the quick, I will not see one of my patrons leave unsatisfied. Please go into the back and lie down on the neutering table. I will be with you momentarily, please pay no mind to the claw marks on the restraints.

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

jazzyhattrick posted:

Sir, you cut me to the quick, I will not see one of my patrons leave unsatisfied. Please go into the back and lie down on the neutering table. I will be with you momentarily, please pay no mind to the claw marks on the restraints.

Dear patrons, I have a special offer to announce. I have just obtained a large shipment of human bone, sinew, teeth and other sundries. Rest assured that I obtain all my human materials entirely legally and that no white men were harmed in the process of their harvesting.

Ceciltron
Jan 11, 2007

Text BEEP to 43527 for the dancing robot!
Pillbug
I am highly interested in obtaining body parts and...raw human leather.

I am willing to pay more for Discretion. Please load the Goods into this Unsuspicious rear end-Cart driven by a hunched albino. I shall be paying entirely in sweaty Greek Drachma and Austro-Hungarian Promissory Notes.

Ceciltron
Jan 11, 2007

Text BEEP to 43527 for the dancing robot!
Pillbug
Also it burns when I pee. Also when I breathe. It burns. Everything burns.

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Ceciltron posted:

I am highly interested in obtaining body parts and...raw human leather.

I am willing to pay more for Discretion. Please load the Goods into this Unsuspicious rear end-Cart driven by a hunched albino. I shall be paying entirely in sweaty Greek Drachma and Austro-Hungarian Promissory Notes.

I generally only accept honest British currency, but for a gentleman of aristocratic bearing such as your good self I shall make an exception.

Should I be unable to provide such volumes as you require I should be more than happy to introduce you to my good friend, Captain Rinus Van Luijnmelk of the Belgian Congo trading company. He should be more than able to accomodate you.

As for the burning pain I can prescribe Fistulolm's scrotal linament, Dr. MacQuemton's chlorine turpentine rub. President Garfielf's patented numbing suppositories and 3 humidors of Admiral Snugsmoothly's cocaine and heroin and cannabis and amphetamine and laudanum and rum and ether and opium cigars.

The expense of such items is too great to talk about in polite company, but I am sure a man such as yourself has a bag of emeralds or somesuch on his person to use for payment.

Comfy Fleece Sweater
Apr 2, 2013

You see, but you do not observe.

Listen JB

My hog is huge

Like, when its erect I almost black out

I need something to revive ladies who faint when they see it

Julius CSAR
Oct 3, 2007

by sebmojo
Oi mate! U got anythin to elp rid me head of these wicked voices?

Lord Frankenstyle
Dec 3, 2005

Mmmm,
You smell like Lysol Wipes.
I picked up a touch of Consumption on my last visit to the local Molly house. Do you have anything that'll take the edge off? Preferably Mercury free, I tend to react poorly to it.

Angela Lansburial
Feb 9, 2005
Nothing to see here.
My son applied one of your camphorated opium liniments to his balls and now he's a bloody actor! I demand a refund!

Lord Frankenstyle
Dec 3, 2005

Mmmm,
You smell like Lysol Wipes.
And speaking of Molly houses, might you offer a Radium based member engorgement ointment?

Asking for a compatriot.

Chumbawumba4ever97
Dec 31, 2000

by Fluffdaddy
My farts smell really bad. What elixir would best suit me?

jazzyhattrick
Jul 1, 2010

by Jeffrey of YOSPOS

Comfy Fleece Sweater posted:

Listen JB

My hog is huge

Like, when it’s erect I almost black out

I need something to revive ladies who faint when they see it

For stress induced fainting I suggest Bracklesham's Patented Re-Invigourating Pep-Salve, applied generously to the breasts and beneath each nostril.

As for your groinal protuberance may I suggest Reverend Wankeringham's Disengorgment balm, or perhaps Purvess' Amputation Substitute. Ho ho, if sir will forgive this old man his little jokes.

The relative sizes of your genitalia may also be attributable to a condition in the woman called vaginal midgetism. If you were to bring your lady friend to my emporium after hours I could examine her in my phrenology nook.

Julius CSAR posted:

Oi mate! U got anythin’ to ‘elp rid me head of these wicked voices?

Do these voices command you to journey to Africa and slay the heathen, as they did my dear departed brother Obediah? If so I pray you heed them sir, for the commands of The Lord are to be obeyed without question.

Otherwise please step into my phrenology nook so I may discern the nature of your affliction. Please pay no mind to the numerous stains on the walls, floor, ceiling and stirruped table, some patients have sneezing fits when they first feel the calipers against their cranium.

Hopefully there will be no need to have you committed to Professor Hardcocke's impound for lunatics, nincompoops and frigid women.



Frankenstyle posted:

I picked up a touch of Consumption on my last visit to the local Molly house. Do you have anything that'll take the edge off? Preferably Mercury free, I tend to react poorly to it.

Sir, a consumption tonic without mercury is like a marriage without wife restraints and a beating chamber, an abomination before God. I shall give you Wimplesham's Pure Mercury Consumption tonic, as well as some Palmerslam's Acetone and Asbestos for the mercury sickness.

Angela Lansburial posted:

My son applied one of your camphorated opium liniments to his balls and now he's a bloody actor! I demand a refund!

You won't get me that way sir, any good Christian knows that homosexualism is punishment from The Lord for sins committed by the mother. Maybe a frank discussion with your wife in the beating chamber is in order?

Frankenstyle posted:

And speaking of Molly houses, might you offer a Radium based member engorgement ointment?

Asking for a compatriot.

Firstly, I don't know what quacks you have been speaking to, but radium is for disengorgement, for engorgement you want snake oil, anthrax or trinitrotolluene.

Second, as I have advised others, often problems of this nature are the woman's fault. Bring any and all women in your acquaintance to my phrenology nook, that they may be properly examined.

Uncle at Nintendo posted:

My farts smell really bad. What elixir would best suit me?

No elixir sir, you need Captain Tumescent's Jumbo Sized Uranium Enfragrantment Suppositories. Sir will almost certainly wish to also purchase Dr. Frimming's Rectal Dilatory Tincture.

jazzyhattrick fucked around with this message at 13:38 on Apr 23, 2018

Mozi
Apr 4, 2004

Forms change so fast
Time is moving past
Memory is smoke
Gonna get wider when I die
Nap Ghost

jazzyhattrick posted:

Ah, trouble satisfying your good lady wife is it? Well fear not my dear fellow. This establishment is the very soul of discretion, our clients embarrassing problems never leave these walls.

Is the problem one of potency or girth, I generally prescribe venomous snakes for the former and constrictors for the latter.

Is there any way you could have one of the venomous snakes bite one of the constrictors, then I use the oil from that one?

Hell Yeah
Dec 25, 2012

olde timey gbs thread imo.

gbs but from 2004
Oct 24, 2004

wow u rude pig

"i STarTed this TOIlEt Of A tHreaD aNd HAve sOmEHOW aVoidEd A red teXt"

jazzyhattrick posted:

Ladies, Gentlemen, the Irish and other lower races. It is my most sincere and genuine honour to welcome you to the finest chemist in all of London; J.B Flumpwhistle & Sons, purveyors of unguents salves and tinctures to Her Majesty Queen Victoria. Our curatives are unmatched anywhere in the empire, may my mutton chops be dashed from my face and my moustache be struck waxless should I tell a lie.

Perhaps your little one suffers from factory urchin's lung, for only 5 shillings and sixpence I shall provide you with Dr. Chalrymple's Children's Herocaine tonic. The gentle infusion of Heroin and Cocaine is specially formulated to be gentle on even the most malnourished and polio riddled infant, a quick swig and they'll be back at the armaments works building rifles to destroy godless savages in no time.

Maybe you have some manner of perversion, perhaps you have designs on animals, foreigners or, worst of all, other men. Fear not gentle patron, for to the rescue comes Reverend Wankering's disengorgement balm. This miraculous concoction of mercury, lead and the finest and purest radium will render your member both impervious and oblivious to even the most buxom and sultry of Whitechapel's harlots and strumpets.

Speaking of which, are you a lady of the night? Perhaps you are concerned that you may be the next to fall victim to old Jack's grizzly workings. Fear not my dear fallen ladies for the solution lies in Professor Smodt's anti murder perfume. It is a little known fact that the degenerate female slayer has an olfactory system quite unlike our own and this difference may be exploited. The formulation of ox musk, tamarind and powdered black rhino horn will flummox even the most determined womb collector while at the same time leaving honest patrons unperturbed. All yours for just 17 shillings, expensive perhaps, but no price is too high to pay for safety. Should you find yourself without the cash on hand at present simply step into the more discrete settings of my phrenology nook where we can discuss other arrangements.

All these miracles of modern British medical science, and many others can be yours for prices affordable to even the most destitute opium addled wastrel, not that I would allow such people in my establishment of course. So gentle patrons, come one come all, tell me of your ailments so that I may sell to you your salvation.

listen 2 me u little muggy oval office,

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Murray Mantoinette
Jun 11, 2005

THE  POSTS  MUST  FLOW
Clapping Larry
What can you do about this stupid accent of mine, my dear chemist?

e: I also wish to die as expediently as possible

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