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cda

by Hand Knit
I saw a chicken crossing the road this morning. That chicken better be careful.

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cda

by Hand Knit
What do we call it? We actually haven't come up with a name for it yet. I'm thinking something like the Family Anal gently caress making GBS threads Incest Onstage Abortion Circus, but you're the agent, so maybe you can figure it out.

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
A bartender walks into a bar and changes a lightbulb.

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
A Democrat, a Republican and an Independant die and go to heaven and St. Peter says "do any of you know how to change a lightbulb?"

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
"Knock-knock"
"Who's there?"
"Very funny, you asked me to change your drat lightbulb now open up!"

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby and the bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Insulted, she walks toward the back and takes a seat. The person sitting next to her says "you're not going to let the bus driver get away with that, are you? Go on and tell him off, I'll hold that big ugly light bulb for you!"

City of Glompton

Splatmaster posted:

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby and the bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Insulted, she walks toward the back and takes a seat. The person sitting next to her says "you're not going to let the bus driver get away with that, are you? Go on and tell him off, I'll hold that big ugly light bulb for you!"

lol


thank you PSP for the beautiful spring sig

Macnult

Splatmaster posted:

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby and the bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Insulted, she walks toward the back and takes a seat. The person sitting next to her says "you're not going to let the bus driver get away with that, are you? Go on and tell him off, I'll hold that big ugly light bulb for you!"

FutonForensic

Splatmaster posted:

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby and the bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Insulted, she walks toward the back and takes a seat. The person sitting next to her says "you're not going to let the bus driver get away with that, are you? Go on and tell him off, I'll hold that big ugly light bulb for you!"


Robot Made of Meat

Splatmaster posted:

A woman walks onto a bus holding her baby and the bus driver says "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!" Insulted, she walks toward the back and takes a seat. The person sitting next to her says "you're not going to let the bus driver get away with that, are you? Go on and tell him off, I'll hold that big ugly light bulb for you!"


Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

FutonForensic

two men are hunting in the woods. one accidentally shoots the other, so the first calls 9-11. "help, I've killed my best friend," says the hunter, to whom the response agent replies, "why the long face?" The hunter says, "because I just killed my best friend. Tears are running down my face." "well, you better go catch them," says the agent, and hangs up the phone


mags

I am a congenital optimist.
a panda walks into a bar, sits at the counter, and orders dinner. the bartender confiscates his firearm since pandas shouldn't have guns and brings him a plate of fresh bamboo.

Twerkteam Pizza

Somebody fucked around with this message at 22:21 on May 21, 2018

not ready

a Buddhist monk walks into a bar. bar tender asks “what will you have?” the monk responds “make me one with everything”.

Manifisto


not ready posted:

a Buddhist monk walks into a bar. bar tender asks “what will you have?” the monk responds “make me one with everything”.

a termite walks into a bar, the bar tender asks "what will you have?", the termite responds "make me one with everything," and the buddhist monk and the bartender both say "no"

Macnult

*knocks on door*
*laughs*

No, no... That can't be right. I'm forgetting something here.

*replaces doorknob with a lightbulb*

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
Q: How many lightbulbs does it take to lightbulb a lightbulb?

A: Orange you glad the Sun is still out!

https://i.imgur.com/QKTkerO.mp4
Sig elements by Manifisto and Heather Papps
Sig File protected by SigLock. do NOT steal this sig!

alnilam

why did the chicken... um... walk the uh, light bulb

alnilam

takes one to know one!! *runs off*

cda

by Hand Knit
I saw a woman with two black eyes walking with her boyfriend. I think it was her boyfriend anyway. I didn't know what to say to her, but I gave her a sheepish smile, hoping it might make her day a bit better. Later, I was having trouble sleeping, thinking that I should have done something, so I made a donation to the local women's shelter. I also printed out a card I can keep in my wallet, so if something like that ever happens, I can sort of sneakily hand it to her.

I know I should have done more. I'm still haunted by it. Everyone expects that, when the time comes, they'll be the hero, but it's not that easy. I tried talking to my wife about it, trying to work out these guilty feelings I still have, but she didn't really understand. She's a blonde. I know that seems like a non sequitur, but maybe it'll be easier to imagine me talking to her if you know what she looks like. The point is, she doesn't understand me. Also, she gives me no respect. I feel like we should go to a marriage counselor.

cda fucked around with this message at 19:01 on May 21, 2018

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cda

by Hand Knit
Sometimes when it's late at night, I find myself falling into the Wikipedia hole. You know what I mean. You start with one article, then you click through to another and another, and before you know it, you've ended up somewhere horrible, like learning about serial killers. So I ended up reading about the architecture of concentration camps, and wouldn't you know it, it turns out their guard towers were rickety and often didn't have railings. It stuck out as a weird detail to me, because they obviously spent a lot of time and energy getting the gas chambers exactly the way they wanted them. You'd think with that kind of attention to detail they'd have made everything to spec, but I guess not, because those guard towers were probably death traps.

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

cda

by Hand Knit
I was at the bar and this guy pulled out a really cool puppet he'd made, this little piano playing guy. He tried to pass it off like it was real, but I am aware that even the smallest adult human being is taller than one foot, and that genies don't exist, so he couldn't fool me. I guess he thought maybe it'd work because we'd all had a few, and to be honest, he was pretty lifelike with it. So he started goofing around with it, pretending it was playing the little piano. "Play We Didn't Start The Fire!" I kept yelling. What was I thinking? I should have asked for Piano Man, but I was excited, and I like politics so I enjoy getting all the references.

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Jolo

ive been playing with magnuts tying to change the wold as we know it

Contrary to some of the rest of you, I haven't forgotten how to be funny. Check this one out:

*perfect Borat impression* "MY WIFE"

LOLOLOL

It's difficult to go into the myriad influences of my humor. I was blessed with a unique ability to absorb and process all of the interactions that make up the human experience and distill them into relatable and hilarious comedic material. People are always happy to experience one of my fine tuned zingers and doubtless the one above will enrich you for many days to come. My exceptional brain is pretty much constantly producing this comedy gold from the time I get up until the time I go to sleep. With that said, it shouldn't surprise you that I've already come up with another amazing joke that may be too much for you right now. I've spoiler tagged this joke in case you are still reeling from the previous one. When you're ready, please enjoy this one also:

For the purposes of this joke, it's Wednesday. *Geico talking camel voice* "HUMP DAYYYYYY"

where do I come up with this stuff? :xd: lmbo


~~~ byob summer 2020 ~~~ sig responsibly ~~~ i hope you enjoy my sig ~~~ please dont kangaroo jack what you cant kangaroo give back. ~~~

Manifisto


joke about the pesky to be monitored by the way I think we should be

Manifisto


two men walk int a bar and it will be easiest to keep tabs on things like squash and if it's not really great, or whatever would love to get together sometime in the mail box of this world!

the unabonger
i keep myself in joking form by randomly shouting punchlines as i walk around

the unabonger
before i go to bed i tell myself 50 knock knock jokes, 10 puns, and rpeat the funniest sounds I can think of for 10 minutes straight

google THIS

"What's the deal with," I write, and I stare at these words for what seems an interminable moment. Finally, tentatively, I add "grapefruit?" No good. I crumple the paper up and toss it aside, slumping into the growing pile of rejected ideas on my desk. Out of the corner of my eye I glance my latest failure. It's landed next to one from a few minutes ago, "What's the deal with nutmeg?" The papers are mangled in such a way that it appears two words are sitting beside one another: "grape...nut." I consider them for a moment, then sweep them off the desk into the trash can and begin to sob.

the unabonger
being funny is like riding a bicycle. its fun and hard to forget how but when you do forget how you crash and embarrasss yourself in front of your friends

the unabonger
"knock knock"
"hello? Who is it?"
"..."

Manifisto


being funny isn't that hard, just follow the the rule of threes, undermine expectations, and you're good to go


ty nesamdoom!

cda

by Hand Knit

google THIS posted:

"What's the deal with," I write, and I stare at these words for what seems an interminable moment. Finally, tentatively, I add "grapefruit?" No good. I crumple the paper up and toss it aside, slumping into the growing pile of rejected ideas on my desk. Out of the corner of my eye I glance my latest failure. It's landed next to one from a few minutes ago, "What's the deal with nutmeg?" The papers are mangled in such a way that it appears two words are sitting beside one another: "grape...nut." I consider them for a moment, then sweep them off the desk into the trash can and begin to sob.

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Robot Made of Meat

What is the food with these airline deals?

No, that's no right.


Women and Men be different from . . . .

Dammit.


Why would chickens even be in a situation where they were able to cross roads? It seems dangerous.

Closer, but . . .


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Light bulb!

Woohoo! I've still got it!


Thanks to Manifisto for the sig!

vanisher

What's an updog?

Papa Was A Video Toaster





vanisher posted:

What's an updog?

i'm the man updog

Kthulhu5000

by R. Guyovich
The young disciple approaches the sage master. "Master," says the disciple, "I wish to learn the essence of humor, so I may heal the world with laughter." The sage master nods, opens a box to his side, and hands the disciple a large wad of something, wrapped in newspaper. The disciple takes the wad from his master and carefully unwraps it, revealing a coil of fake dog poop. The disciple looks down at the gag poop in his hands, and then looks back up at his master.

His master nods again, and tells the disciple to meditate on the poop and find the joke contained within it. The disciple takes the poop, assumes a meditative position, and focuses on the fake dog poop. He does this day and night, for weeks and months, through sun and rain. One year later, he returns to his master, kneeling quietly behind as his master casually drinks tea. Finally, he is addressed. "Tell me what you have learned, my child", the sage monster prompts.

The disciple apologetically tells his master that he meditated on the dog poop forever and a day, and yet it inspired nothing in him. "I fear," says the disciple with a hint of despair in his voice, "that I have learned nothing at all!". The master pours himself another cup of tea, takes a sip from it, and replies: "My child, your study was a success. You learned that poo poo isn't funny."

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Drink-Mix Man

You are an odd fellow, but I must say... you throw a swell shindig.

What two thumbs and doesn't get that some jokes don't translate well to the written form?

THIS guy

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
Me holding an old-fashioned telephone in my one hand screaming knock-knock jokes at the receiver in my other hand

Pot Smoke Phoenix



Smoke 'em if you gottem!
One of my top ten favorite things about airline food is...

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Scaly Haylie

first you need to decide what animal you want to be, op

e: nm, misread thread title

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