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Colton
Mar 30, 2003

Member of the Kevin Smith look-alikes local #45317

I've been noticing a lot of "funny things that happened at my job" posts, so I thought I'd try my hand at it.

As the title says, I work at a mental hospital. Basically, I'm an orderly. You know, the guys in the white suits you see in all the movies. My hospital called my job title "Psychiatric Counselor", mostly because I think "Bitch Boy" would be too demeaning. I work the night shift, so things are usually pretty quiet. My responsibilities involve doing the paperwork for the morning shift and checking on the patients regularly to make sure they're in their rooms and still breathing.

Anyway, one night I was scheduled to work on the Acute Adult Psych unit. Let me begin by stating that I HATEHATEHATE working on this building. Mostly because of a few horrible experiences with the patients, and this night was no exception.

So, acute psych. This is where we house a wide range of patients from suicidals to full-blown Schizophrenics. You're probably thinking "golly gee whiz, Colton.. that sounds like something I couldn't deal with, I'd be kinda scared to deal with those types of people" to which I would reply "It's not all that bad once you realize that these people can't help the way they act, and they're on medication most of the time. And I can't believe you just said 'golly gee whiz'"

This night, I arrive on the unit and sit in while one of the evening shift nurses gives the reports on the patients, just telling us what to look out for, when they get to their newest patient. Let's call her Jane for reasons of confidentiality.

"Jane's new. She's psychotic. She was really violent and hallucinating like crazy when we got her. They carried her in on a stretcher, restrained and facemasked. She's in her room now. Don't get too close to her, she came running at me and tried to gouge my eyes out with her fingernails and started screaming that I was the devil."

Ok, I already mentioned that I dislike working on this unit. And now I hear that there's a violent psychotic person on the ward who got wheeled into the hopital dressed like hannibal lecter because she kept biting and clawing people. Things couldn't get much worse.

"oh, and she's got Hepatitis C"

gently caress.

So, report finishes, and I cautiously start to make my rounds on the patients. I eventually get to Jane's room, and I see one of the other evening shift nurses in there. Jane's lying in bed, and the nurse is sitting by her bed, holding her hand and talking to her. He looks up at me and tells me that she's calmed down a lot since they first got her, and the only way to make sure that she's calm enough to sleep is by holding her hand and talking to her. Then he leaves. In retrospect, I really should have been warned by the fact that he seemed to haul rear end out of the hospital while laughing to himself.

Since I was working with another orderly that night, he volunteered to be on "psycho duty" for the first hour of the shift, then we would switch off every hour until she went to sleep. I was all cool with that, so he settled into the room and took her hand, and she was whispering quietly to herself about jesus and sunbeams or something like that. When the hour was finished, I moseyed my happy little rear end to my colleague and we switched off. He got up, told me Jane was pretty docile and sleepy and she'd be asleep in no time. Then he walked off. I sat down and took her hand.

Let me paint a picture for you: There's me, sitting in a small dorm-like room, in pitch blackness, holding the hand of an older woman who has absolutley no connection with reality and really liked to gouge people's eyes out with her fingernails and transmit Hepatitis C to people by biting them. Strangely enough, I wasn't scared at all. I suppose working at the hospital for a while has actually made the 'common sense' portion of my brain atrophy, or maybe I'm just actually a closet retard.

Then she stirs. She must have noticed that my hand felt a little different than the other guys, she she gets scared.

"Who's there!?" asked Jane.
"It's ok, I'm the other staff member. I'm not going to hurt you" Says I, trying to get her to calm back down. After I said that, she got kinda still, then she spoke again. She said six words that will forever be burned into my memory and still gives me nightmares to this day.

"ooh, you got a sexy voice"

And as soon as she finished saying this, she proceeded to yank my hand as hard as she could, pulling me out of my chair and right over her bed. Immediatley my oh-poo poo-ometer kicks in and I start to pull away. Well, I try to anyway. Ever hear the old saying about the insane having the strength of 10 regular men? They're right. I'm a pretty strong guy, I take martial arts and can hold my own pretty well, but this 60ish women had me off balance and panicking within the first 10 minutes of being in the same room as her. I thought as quick as I could, trying to pull away and tell her that she needs to let go of me. She wasn't having none of that. She pulled me to her and dove face first into my lap. She buried her face into my crotch and starts to.. well... I'd much rather not think about what she was trying to do. It felt kinda like eels were trying to implant themselves into my body... this was definatley a 'bad touch'. Fortunatley, she let go of my hand and I was able to push her back on her bed carefully. I was concerned about her safety, seeing as how if she fell out of bed, it was my rear end. She thanked me for my thoughtfullness by asking me if she gave good head.

This went on a for the duration of the hour. She kept trying to get up and give me the hot psycho lovin', and I kept putting her back in bed. At least I managed to keep her from grabbing me again and I actually managed to get her calmed down. She was lying in bed and breathing deeply. "Thank the gods above" I thought, "she's finally going to go to sleep" I sat back down in a relieved heap and thought that the worst of it was finally over. WRONG!

In walks the nursing supervisor. We all call her spoon, cause she's short, scrawny, and has an afro.. she's shaped like a spoon. For the purposes of this story, I'll call her Shithead. So Shithead walks into the darkened room I was sitting in, I guess to check on the patient.

"HEY, HOW ARE THINGS GOING ON IN HERE?" (did I mention that she has absolutley no control over the volume of her voice?)

As soon as the echoing in the tiny room stops, I'm on my feet, trying to give her the "shush!" gesture or at least slap her or something, when psycho girl grabs me from behind and starts to lick and kiss all over my hand.

Hepatitis C... mucus... I panicked. She was all excited because in her own little world, I proposed to her, and she was about to give birth to a couple of sunbeams at any minute. Back in the real world, I started screaming like a scared little bitch for the nurse on duty to bring as many drugs as she could to put this patient down. At this point, the patient had both her arms wrapped around my left leg and tried to soothe me with promises of what kinds of carnal delights await me in the land of aborted jesus fetuses and sunbeams. She had a thing for sunbeams, I guess.

The nurse came in, gave her a few shots, and I ran to the bathroom and washed up. I walked out into the nurse's station and sat there, shaking and praying to god that the worst was over. WRONG AGAIN. The nurse walks in and informs me that our patient of the night had just poo poo and pissed all over herself. I guess the exitement finally got to her. And of course, the supervisor thought this was the funniest thing she's ever seen, so she decides to stick around and laugh her rear end off. So back I go into the gaping maw of hell and pull on some latex gloves to help change the bedsheets while the female nurse showers the patient and cleans her up. As I'm nearing the room, our patient jumps out of the bathroom, eager to see me again and show me that she's as naked as the day she was born and invite me for more of the hot psycho lovin'.

I somehow managed to restrain myself from ravishing her elderly body (/sarcasm) and put some of the bedclothes into the washing machine. At that point I sat in another part of the building and thought what horrible choices I've made in life that lead up to that moment. I refused to go anwhere near that patient for the rest of the night because I was just too damned irresistable.

And the most depressing part of this whole story? That was the most action I've gotten all month.

and yes, I have even more stories if you liked this one:
1) The night adult psych went up in flames
2) The night Hurricane Lili hits the mental ward
3) "hey, what color are your panties?"

and more, to be posted when I remember them all

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caine
Apr 10, 2003



holy crap thats the funniest (and scariest) story ive ever read. so when can we expect installments 1, 2, and 3? =D

hmm, im going to have to think up some work stories.

Titan
Jan 14, 2002


You so should have tapped that rear end.


Also, why are most insanely psycho women ugly and old? you never hear of hot young women going this insane.

Rhodry
Mar 4, 2001

Excuse me. Did somebody say they were lookin' for the baaadest detective in town?

Coloured panties option :)

OctoberMooN
Jun 1, 2001
Well, at least I had $10

Why don't I have an exciting job?

wHiTeB0y45
Feb 28, 2003


Is Colton your name or do you just like it, My last name is Colt, gently caress you

Shoot things for pleasure

John_A_Tallon
Nov 22, 2000

Oh my! Check out that mitre!


Good story, SA Goons' work-related storys are the best.

pogue23
Aug 15, 2002


alright...


why wasnt she sedated and restrained?


i call bullshit on this story.. sorry


SHEEEEEEENANIGANS!!!

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This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

MC Fruit Stripe
Nov 26, 2002

When life gives you lemons DANCE DANCE DANCE!

Paid in part by CF


Nothing to add, but that's a great great story man.

Alucardshark
Aug 16, 2002
...

quote:

Colton came out of the closet to say:

3) "hey, what color are your panties?"

and more, to be posted when I remember them all

I see Redfox got committed at last. Also, drat funny story.

sublyme
Mar 21, 2003
lol poker

5

Imagine hitting that in her younger years.*





*what.

That's Unfortunate
Apr 5, 2003


quote:

Colton came out of the closet to say:
[and yes, I have even more stories if you liked this one:
1) The night adult psych went up in flames
2) The night Hurricane Lili hits the mental ward
3) "hey, what color are your panties?"


Personally, I would like to hear "hey, what color are your panties?"

Also. I am still laughing at the first one.

Colton
Mar 30, 2003

Member of the Kevin Smith look-alikes local #45317

quote:

pogue23 came out of the closet to say:
alright...
why wasnt she sedated and restrained?

because my hospital prides itself on it's 'no restraints' rule... they're loving retards there.. and she did get sedation before I came on shift.. she just metabolized it very fast.. she didn't go down until around 6 am... 7 hours into the shift....

pogue23
Aug 15, 2002


quote:

Colton came out of the closet to say:


because my hospital prides itself on it's 'no restraints' rule... they're loving retards there.. and she did get sedation before I came on shift.. she just metabolized it very fast.. she didn't go down until around 6 am... 7 hours into the shift....

sorry dude, i wont be convinced until you have Hepatitus Sores on your rectum, i guess. (what does hepatitus C do to you, anyway?)

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Iridium
Apr 4, 2002



I'm up for the flaming adult psych story.

Fire is cool. Heh. Heh heh, heh heh. Yeah.

Also, you mention adult psych. Was there a children's ward as well? If so, did the committed kids have problems similar to adults, or did the same mental problems manifest in strikingly different ways?

Helldump Immunity
Sep 11, 2001
Probation
Can't post for 3338 days!


Post all of them. 5

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

hoodrow trillson
Jul 15, 2001



That was a nice read, dude, thanks a lot. What color ARE your panties, anyway?

Lesbian, cancer survivor, anime fan.

Dan
Nov 26, 2002

Victim of reality

Im going to give you a 5 just for the "land of aborted jesus fetuses and sunbeams" line, but MSpaints would have made it a 10.

Justin_Hate
Feb 26, 2003


That was loving hilarious!!! I want MORE!!!

Sepherothic
Feb 8, 2003



Good story, i laughed and then some, so 5. And be sure to post more.

caldrax
Jan 21, 2001

i learned it from watching you

That was a great read, and i feel for you.

Also, I'm so sick of that loving S word.

Edit: My girlfriend is working in a hospital in Canada right now that has a mental patient's ward... she's already come to me with tales of "the guy who huddles in the corner in the dark" and crazy naked ladies covered in their own saliva and whatnot. There's one lady straight out of choke who tries to pretend she's a doctor, and people humor her. She tried to get my girlfriend to let her out the front door, but she got put in her place.

caldrax fucked around with this message at Apr 11, 2003 around 07:53

hugh manatee
Oct 6, 2002

oh gorsh

wow.



just... wow.

Colton
Mar 30, 2003

Member of the Kevin Smith look-alikes local #45317

ok, since you asked for it... time for "hey, what color are your panties?"

One night, I was working on the child/adolescent unit, and it was pretty early in the shift. I was relaxing at my desk, my feet were up, I was eating some of the food they keep on the unit (popcorn and mountain Dew, great combo) and generally relaxing away my shift. I love the children ward, because they all stay asleep all night long and I can get some pleasure reading done.

So, I'm chilling at my station, then my phone rings. I pick it up, cause that's what you do with phones...

"Adolescent, Chad speaking"
"Chad, come over to adult psych for a minute"
"Why?"
"just come over for a second"

needless to say, I'm alarmed as all hell. Did a patient escape? is a patient eating his own feces? Do I have to stop someone from attempting suicide again? against my better judgement, I walk across the quad and walk in the building I absolutley HATEHATEHATE. I step into the nurse's station and address the nurse on duty.

"you wanted me?"
"yeah, just sit by the phone and answer it when it rings"
"um... why?"
"just do it"

yeah, I'm the bitch at my job. So I sit down and within two minutes, the phone rings. I answer the phone, and whoever was on the other line hangs up. I look at the nurse curiously, who just motions to wait a little while longer. The phone rings again, I answer, hang up. This happens a couple more times. I want an explaination, but get none. I return to my post weirded out beyond all belief.

As I sit back down, my phone rings again. I answer, and another hangup! I'm frantic at this point because I don't know what's going on. I'm a simple creature, strange situations make me want to curl up in a fetal ball and wet myself.

To cut it short, this happens a few more times. I even get called to other buildings to answer the phone.. all hangups. Needless to say I'm pissed because all of the female nurses that ask me to answer their phones won't tell me what the deal is, and they even avert their eyes when I ask.

My shift ends, and the day shift walks in. I must have looked thouroughly confused at this point, because another counselor asked me what was up.. I tell her. Then she informs me that there's been a prank caller who's been asking all the women who answer the phone what color their panties are. What's worse is that this is a recently discharged patient who has been calling. So think about this... patient gets discharged, decides to harass the hopital he was just released from. We don't get a whole lot of rocket scientists admitted to our hospital.

(yeah, I know this story was kinda lame, but it gives you an idea of the bizarre crap I deal with on a nightly basis)

Jailbrekr
Apr 8, 2002
A TOWN LEVELED BY AN EXPLOSION? DOZENS LIKELY KILLED? OH GOD LET ME SEE THAT SWEET VIDEO OH MY GOD I'M CUMMING


There must be a 'sniffing panties' retort in this somewhere....

Justin_Hate
Feb 26, 2003


These stories just makes me all the happier to get out of the patient care end of the health care industry.

Colton -- Do you ever wonder why you stick with it, sometimes?

Mouse Dresser
Sep 3, 2002

Only science can make the Connections

Holy loving poo poo. Good show! You bring new class to the 3-03's.

Oh, and PANTIES, please.

Colton
Mar 30, 2003

Member of the Kevin Smith look-alikes local #45317

quote:

pogue23 came out of the closet to say:


sorry dude, i wont be convinced until you have Hepatitus Sores on your rectum, i guess. (what does hepatitus C do to you, anyway?)

it inflames your liver and is transmitted through bodily fluid contact, mucus membranes, that kind of stuff.. I haven't been tested yet, but I just had saliva on my hands and washed it off POST HASTE...

Colton
Mar 30, 2003

Member of the Kevin Smith look-alikes local #45317

quote:

Justin_Hate came out of the closet to say:

Colton -- Do you ever wonder why you stick with it, sometimes?

because soon, very soon, I will graduate with my Master's degree and I will be giving therapy to nervous housewives and children whose parents beat them.. I can hold out for a few more months if it means never having to deal with such extreme cases...

CHEF!!!
Feb 22, 2001



quote:

Justin_Hate came out of the closet to say:
Colton -- Do you ever wonder why you stick with it, sometimes?

Obviously I am not speaking for Colton, but if I had a job that provided me with a front row seat to deranged lunatics eating their poo poo then I'd be very happy. I wouldn't be very good at stopping said lunatics from engaing in their fecal feast because I'd be too busy laughing like a madman.

This thread gets a 5 from me. Please enlighten us about the time Hurricane Lili hit your workplace.

cult_hero
Jul 10, 2001


I used to work at a psych hospital as a janitor a few years ago. very harrowing experience, from witnessing the death of jesus, a full blown code 10 (riot), 2 seperate suicide attempts, a recreation of highlander, several people stalking patients, illicit lesbian love affairs, great escapes, bare handed deer hunting, and cody judy (tried to blow up the president of the mormon church during a conference)

and I only worked there a few months.

Colton
Mar 30, 2003

Member of the Kevin Smith look-alikes local #45317

holy crap! comedy gold in less than an hour.. thanks, guys! time to reward y'all with another story!

"The night adult psych went up in flames"

Once again, I'm working in the adolescent/children's ward. I'm relaxing because nothing happens on that unit.. ever. I was enjoying my shift when the intercom comes to life.

"Code 6, adult psych! Code 6, adult psych!"

I admit that at first I was a little confused... I remembered what a Code 3 was.. that's when a patient is going nuts and all the strong men (usually me since I'm somehow always being scheduled when there are no other men in the hospital) have to jump on the patient and restrain them.

So I looked on the back of my name tag where there's a small list of what the codes mean.

"hmmm.. code blue... nope.. code STAT.. nope... code 6.. fire... fire? gently caress poo poo drat!"

So I lept out of my chair and hauled rear end over to adult psych. As I run in there, I see all this smoke everywhere. I shout for one of the orderlies on duty and ask him if he contained the fire. As I ask this, A patient comes running like a bat out of hell out of one of the hallways that leads outside, followed by a trail of smoke. We look in the door, and find out that all that smoke just came from her playing with the fire extinguisher (this is the same patient who was severely retarded and took a massive crap in front of the snack machines earlier that day) CO2 was wafting everywhere.. it looks like smoke, so I gave the orderly that called the code the benefit of the doubt.. I would have panicked if I saw that too. The staff on that ward asked me to help fan the CO2 out, so I walked in the hallway and unlocked the door to the outside and started opening and closing the door to fan the smoke out.

Now, keep in mind that at first they thought this was a real fire. The fire alarm was still going off, and the patients were running around like it was the end of the world, I swear to god. Actually, as I recall, I think one of them was actually screaming "the end is nigh!" I looked at the ward through the big windows and laughed at all the patients scrambling to save themselves. What I found even funnier was that one of the OTHER retarded patients (we keep getting retarded patients.. nobody seems to realize that a PSYCH hospital can't do much for them besides dope them up until they can't move) had grabbed all of the bananas they keep on the unit in both of his hands and was shuffling around in circles near the window screaming "save the bananas! save the bananas!" I broke down into hysterical laughter, which was a bad idea because I started inhaling all the CO2 in the air. By the time I left, they STILL haven't calmed down all the patients.. I was so happy I was able to walk back to my quiet ward after all that... and even today, all someone has to do is say "save the bananas!" and I piss myself laughing so hard...

more stories I remember:
1)hurricane Lili (warning, this story may suck.. might be one of those 'had to be there' stories)
2) 'The night all hell broke loose' or 'why I hate to work on adult psych'
3) I can supply some really short funny stories into one post... some of these aren't funny enough to be stand alones
4) I met the black messiah
5) helping a patient take THE poo poo of his life

tell me what you want, and I'll post more tomorrow night.... maybe

Jafo
Jan 2, 2003

Why it looks like you're pregnant...

That was one of the best newbie threads I've ever read. Thank you for making the most of your lurking. Many newbies (including myself) could save themselves some embarrasment by taking an example from you.

Keep it up.




666
Jun 27, 2002

Carrion Fairy

Dear mother of god, best 03/03 ever! My colleagues and i demand more stories (couldn't keep them to myself after i burst into laughter at the sunbeams & abortions sentence).

Hell is just a word.

bwcall
Nov 21, 2002



You've made another sleepless night in the forums worth it

Froglove
Nov 8, 2002

loincloth: no, it would not be appropriate

quote:

Colton came out of the closet to say:
my hospital prides itself on it's 'no restraints' rule... they're loving retards
Come on, being restrained is a violation of basic human rights. Sometimes it is inevitable for either the patient or the staff, but most of the time the benefit doesn't outweigh the suffering. Imagine being paranoid and knowing that demons are trying to kill you, and someone tied you down to a bed? Go demon-snack!

cyberbully
Feb 10, 2003



5, and where do you work?

quote:

cult_hero came out of the closet to say:
I used to work at a psych hospital as a janitor a few years ago. very harrowing experience, from witnessing the death of jesus, a full blown code 10 (riot), 2 seperate suicide attempts, a recreation of highlander, several people stalking patients, illicit lesbian love affairs, great escapes, bare handed deer hunting, and cody judy (tried to blow up the president of the mormon church during a conference)

and I only worked there a few months.
Really, I spent some time in a mental hospital too.. we should make this thread or another into a "post your encounters with mental hospital patients" thing. I'd love to hear yours, and I have some relatively interesting ones too.

cyberbully fucked around with this message at Apr 11, 2003 around 09:08

Serotonin
Jul 14, 2001

The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of *blank*


I work as a Assistant Nursign Manager in an Acute Psychiatric Ward in the UK- it always strikes me as there is a world of difference between British Psych hospitals and US ones- although I only base this on TV and other media sources- I will have to think of some questions when I have woken up.
I may have to add some of my own stories from my 8 years of experience in Intensive Psych care and Forensics if people want.

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Serotonin
Jul 14, 2001

The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of *blank*


quote:

Froglove came out of the closet to say:
Come on, being restrained is a violation of basic human rights. Sometimes it is inevitable for either the patient or the staff, but most of the time the benefit doesn't outweigh the suffering. Imagine being paranoid and knowing that demons are trying to kill you, and someone tied you down to a bed? Go demon-snack!

Agreed- in the UK the only restraints ever used is by hand- mechnaical restraint (tying soemone down) is illegal. We use a technique called Control and Restraint, basically a cross between judo and er well god knows. You work in 3 person teams, and the principle is you use the patients aggression and principles of limb rotation to put them to the floor and immobilise them- I think its better than mechganical because there is human contatc there, and the de-escalation/reassurance process can continue as you are restrainign them, rather than leavign them tied to a bed in a room.

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NOT PICTURED
Mar 8, 2003



"Save the bananas!" They just keep getting better. I'm eagerly awaiting your next post.

crack baby come back

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Enuii
May 27, 2001
Forum Veteran


quote:

Colton came out of the closet to say:
5) helping a patient take THE poo poo of his life

This is SA, this story obviously must come next.

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