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Nipple Bandit
Feb 4, 2003


Dear Nintendo:
YOUR COCKSUCKING PRODUCT HAS REDUCED ME TO A GIBBERING MAN-APE WHOSE ONLY RESORT TO DEALING WITH THE ALMIGHTY loving GRIEF IT'S BESTOWED UPON ME IS TO SCREAM AND HURT MYSELF.

Seriously, I am jumping up and down and throwing my poo poo in handfuls at the loving television in some impotent primal effort to get the thing to work. I have been sitting here trying to enjoy your product - YOUR PRODUCT, YOUR GAME, YOUR CONTRACT BETWEEN DEVELOPER AND CONSUMER THAT THE CONSUMER WILL ENJOY YOUR PRODUCT - but instead the drat thing's been crawling out of the console and taking warm shits in my gaping mouth. Swear to god, you should have just added a little door to the console through which a hand pops out and flips me off, because I am insulted that your QA or testers or whatever brainless shitstove three genes short of a monkey FAGNUT signs your games through thought that a person with more than a single loving digit IQ could enjoy Story Mode Chapter 7. INSULTED.

WORK WITH ME HERE: The goal's simple enough! Come in first! Hey, that's fine, it's just like playing the grand loving prix; not a problem! Only deal is your cross-eyed team of tongue-slapping wunderkind decided to give the game every single loving advantage possible TO THE GAME rather than me.

How in the gently caress does Black Shadow - whose car is the heaviest and lamest piece of poo poo next to the Crazy Bear - suddenly become SO loving GOOD that he can stay in first without using a drop of boost? Huh!? Why!? You never see this shithead anywhere near the top loving 20 in a normal race. BUT HO HO HO THIS TIME HE'S MEGA-COCK, THE FASTEST enjoyable human being IN THE WORLD. 1.21 GIGAWATTS MARTY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE loving FUTURE.

But it's not just Black Shadow with the magical powers, it's the entire loving lineup of racers! THEY'RE ALL FASTER THAN YOU. AND DON'T REQUIRE ANY BOOST.

But but but I of course, am still driving some piece of poo poo hamster-powered jalopy who guzzles it's entire energy bar in no less than four loving boosts! Add to this the entire course just got shitted on by some retarded space tiki volacano god and you've got a course full of hazards that'll drain at least 1/4 of your energy bar JUST BECAUSE IT CAN. WHOOPIE.

HURRR, you say. THAT'S JUST THE CHALLENGE. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY. Well gently caress that noise, you lopsided frankenfaced fuckfurter.

Tell me, please, why does the GAME have to win? Huh? What happens when the game wins and I lose? Is there some huge loving kegger waiting for it when it gets done? Is there money involved? Or perhaps the motives are more sinister. Maybe the game's family is being held hostage by another game and that game has it's cock in F-Zero's wife's mouth and he's holding a cell phone up to her and F-Zero can hear her pained moans and cries for help and the rear end in a top hat game then says, "You beat that cock-sucking human, or I'll blow her brains out." I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT. I CAN BE SYMPATHETIC.

It's not any fun if I can't win, you faggots. I want to move on. I want to unlock whatever piece of poo poo clown car you have hidden away from me so I can start racing and get pissed off with that too. When your game prevents me from fully enjoying the product I have bought you have failed in your loving mission to deliver a game. You lose! You break the contract! You contract the gay and loving DIE DIE DIE.

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SirLarr
Mar 21, 2003

High tech, low class.

I feel your pain.

But then I felt victory.

It's better than what I imagine sex would be like, which I would probably have had if I had not spent all day trying to beat chapter 7.

greatsheep
Dec 15, 2000



This is the most beautiful post in the history of the world.

Lone_Strider
Sep 28, 2001

Ain't nothin' more special than lung brothers

I too, was in your position. Then I found my saviour.

GC Action Replay

Go ahead. We won't tell. We understand.

Share Bear
Apr 27, 2004



I posted that without thinking. Nevermind that. Tally-ho.

Share Bear fucked around with this message at Sep 22, 2003 around 05:54

Happy Noodle Boy
Jul 3, 2002
Probation
Can't post for 6 hours!


quote:

The_Great_Sheep came out of the closet to say:
This is the most beautiful post in the history of the world.
a tear left my eye in joy. I can feel his pain

BigDaddySeany
Mar 4, 2003

by Lowtax


quote:

Nipple Bandit came out of the closet to say:
Tell me, please, why does the GAME have to win? Huh? What happens when the game wins and I lose? Is there some huge loving kegger waiting for it when it gets done? Is there money involved? Or perhaps the motives are more sinister. Maybe the game's family is being held hostage by another game and that game has it's cock in F-Zero's wife's mouth and he's holding a cell phone up to her and F-Zero can hear her pained moans and cries for help and the rear end in a top hat game then says, "You beat that cock-sucking human, or I'll blow her brains out." I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT. I CAN BE SYMPATHETIC.
:lol:

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Dillinger
Feb 28, 2003

I KIK HEDZ. I TOLD U I WUZ HARDCORE.

Oh my god.

All I can say.

edit: this is my favorite part:

quote:

You lose! You break the contract! You contract the gay and loving DIE DIE DIE.

Craptacular!
Jul 9, 2001


You boys would never last five minutes in a REAL Sega arcade game.








(I hate it, too)

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Gendo
Feb 25, 2001

His place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

quote:

Nipple Bandit came out of the closet to say:
BUT HO HO HO THIS TIME HE'S MEGA-COCK, THE FASTEST enjoyable human being IN THE WORLD. 1.21 GIGAWATTS MARTY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE loving FUTURE.
:lol::lol::lol:

When you read that out loud in a desperate, raspy Doc Brown voice it's even funnier.

I had similar feelings about weaponmaster mode in Soul Calibur. First game ever to cost me a controller. loving Taki.

horseness
Sep 4, 2002



drat. I beat the THIRD chapter after the 2934830953034th try and jizz shot out of my cock. I haven't even tried the fourth because there are sharp knives in my kitchen that can be conviently used to slit my wrists.

ps. i laughed. 5.

*.exe
Nov 26, 2000

PAC-10 FOOTBALL

HOLY poo poo BEST RANT EVER

CitizenKain
May 27, 2001

That was Gary Cooper, asshole.


I felt the sameway about Mission 3. I was frustrated as all hell, finally finished it, and then game takes a literal poo poo in my cereal with mission 4. Get to the end and destroy cars? Sure, sounds easy enough.

Oh wait, you have to boost constantly to keep up with the other machines, let alone the target machine. Plus, you have to constantly do a spin attack which uses the most difficult button the game pad to use as well. You can a little life back by spin attacking, but you also slow down, which requires the use of a boost to catch back up. Then I get to the end and blow right by the lead guy and lose the race because I didn't manage to knock him into the wall in the remaining .5 seconds of the race.

There is difficult, then there is soul crushingly difficult, followed by Battletoads difficult, and then there is F-Zero GX difficult. I enjoy the game, but I do wish it wasn't this difficult.

FLaMEagle
Feb 3, 2003

Mmmm... just so damn juicy...

Dood.........

A+++++++++ WILL READ OVER AND OVER AGAIN!@!$!@%!@%^!!!one

holy poo poo. That made me :lol: so hard...

Oh yeah, I'm on the same chapter as you... I gave up after my first try... gently caress THAT NOISE, AIIGHT?

Yeah so... 5. GC Action Replay eh? Cheating is for women.... eh*


* edit: not sexist, mmmkay?

FLaMEagle fucked around with this message at Sep 22, 2003 around 06:25

CraZy GrinGo
Jul 29, 2003
Veteran³

lol

yeah, chapter 7 is a pain, and it's the only one I haven't beaten on Hard (chapter 5 VH being my only other remaining challenge). I just said screw it, cause I don't really need those extra parts and one extra racer. It's just not worth it.

Gendo
Feb 25, 2001

His place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.

quote:

FLaMEagle came out of the closet to say:
Dood.........

A+++++++++ WILL READ OVER AND OVER AGAIN!@!$!@%!@%^!!!one

holy poo poo. That made me :lol: so hard...

Oh yeah, I'm on the same chapter as you... I gave up after my first try... gently caress THAT NOISE, AIIGHT?

Yeah so... 5. GC Action Replay eh? Cheating is for women.... eh*


* edit: not sexist, mmmkay?
So is this satire or are you congenitally retarded?

FLaMEagle
Feb 3, 2003

Mmmm... just so damn juicy...

quote:

Gendo came out of the closet to say:
So is this satire or are you congenitally retarded?

It's late, man... it's okay to act retarded ;) I think F-Zero will be the first video game ever to make people go insane...

bagina
Jul 21, 2003

Oh shi...

quote:

FLaMEagle came out of Wal-Mart to say:
I think F-Zero will be the first video game ever to make people go insane...
Oh no. Games have been pulling this poo poo on people for YEARS already. Even back to the Atari 2600 and games like Adventure where you would be so close to getting the loving cup back to the yellow castle just to have that motherfucker of a bat come and trade the cup with you for a LIVE RED DRAGON. Yeah. Great trade.

Finger
Sep 9, 2001

E N O U G H !


Paging Fragmaster for some voice work. Please.

Lacool
Jun 18, 2002
ASK ME ABOUT MY DRAGON FUR SUIT BORING YOUTUBE BULLSHIT AND THEN TELL ME TO GET OUT

FINALLY! I've been waiting for this thread. I've flamed this chapter 4 times already in this forum, and if you don't mind I'd like to rant one more time.

gently caress this poo poo. gently caress IT! Why must I be forced to complete an an anal inversion of a challenge not once, not twice, but THREE loving TIMES on escalating difficulties just to get some loving courses only available playing a loving arcade game THAT DOESN'T loving EXIST! WHO THE gently caress WANTS TO GO PLAY SOME lovely ARCADE GAME JUST TO GET A FEW COURSES ANYWAY!?!?!

Which sewer habitating rear end in a top hat forgot to test this abomination? Who is the cock ramming rear end-fondler who did heroin into his jugular right before making every opponent PERFECT IN EVERY WAY?!?! Who had the wonderful idea to have every vehicle go faster than physically possible whever I hit the A button?

What's Captain Flacon got up his sleeve, you ask? WELL IT HAD BETTER BE A loving SHOTGUN THAT CAN DESTROY VEHICLES, BECAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN loving HOPE TO WIN THIS CRAPPY-rear end RACING GAME!! AEGRHGHRHADEBORANIKAS!

Who tested this race and said 'OK!'? Who is the rear end-gently caress who designed this and said "THIS SHOULD SUPPLY A GOOD CHALLENGE, LET'S GO SPIKE THE WATER COOLER WITH MORE EVERCLEAR!"

This race is as hard as your cocks after you inject them with crack, you pig molesting motherFUCKERS! DIE YOU WHORES>

Sanschel
Aug 9, 2002



And to think I started bashing my controller on things in only the third mission. Looks like I'll be taking the cheat code route.

quote:

bagina came out of the closet to say:

Oh no. Games have been pulling this poo poo on people for YEARS already.

Yeah, Ghosts n'Goblins was the first game to ever make kick my console across the room. Genesis was such a sturdy little machine (side note: only one other game ever put me into such a fit of rage that my console became a rocket through the house, and that would be Comix Zone).

Lacool
Jun 18, 2002
ASK ME ABOUT MY DRAGON FUR SUIT BORING YOUTUBE BULLSHIT AND THEN TELL ME TO GET OUT

quote:

Sanschel came out of the closet to say:
And to think I started bashing my controller on things in only the third mission. Looks like I'll be taking the cheat code route.

Yeah, Ghosts n'Goblins was the first game to ever make kick my console across the room. Genesis was such a sturdy little machine (side note: only one other game ever put me into such a fit of rage that my console became a rocket through the house, and that would be Comix Zone).

I can't believe so many people break their consoles/controllers. I try more than anybody, and I'm more dissapointed, but I never break my equipment. The worst I've ever done was Goldeneye on one of those cheat unlocking missions. I lost by a second so I grabbed my mom's car key and threw it throwing knife style at the wall. It hit perfectly and stuck. I pulled it out, and the hole remains, although no one has ever noticed it.

Moral: Break things other than your equipment.

Dogmeat
Jun 20, 2003



gently caress. gently caress. The SECOND mission has been pulling this poo poo on my and there's only one other racer. I beat it on normal just by ramming that pig fucker off the course. On Hard, I can smash him perfectly but he doesn't budge. I KNOW it's not my car's fault since I'm forced to use Falcons. There aren't any faggy powerups to win the goddamn mission but he still taunts me. I can't wait to waste more tickets on story mode so I can live in constant humiliation. :krad:

schmitty9800
Feb 9, 2003



The game is seriously prohibitively hard, with very little learning curve.

I like playing with my friends on my friend's GC...but since I ran into a wall on Story Level 3, and can't beat the third cup on novice, I'm not sure I'll buy the game for myself.

I did all right on the other F-Zero games, nearly beating them on master, but this one is just insane.

Shut up with your personal attacks. In every loving thread you post unnecessary personal attacks.

Jew-Jitsu
Apr 17, 2002


I'm lolling fairly hard here at 3:00am Pacific time

Bonk
Aug 4, 2002

Douche Baggins

Burnout 2's Championship mode was a bit like that. You have to get gold on 1 track, then 2 in a row, then 3, 4, and 5, all in a row. When you get to the last Grand Prix, you have to come in first on 6 tracks in a row. You can't save between races in Grand Prix either. It's either gold medal on all races in the set, or you don't unlock the next feature. It starts off pretty easy, but as you get near 4 or 5 in a row, they get disgustingly good and only a near-perfect race is going to beat them. You get to 6, and crashing once in the entire race means the next car can get 8 seconds ahead of you easy.

Nice rant though.

Belfast
Jun 30, 2002

Metal Gear ?!

Well, you seem superbly angry, but considering I can't necessarily tell how much of this is pure, vitrol-fueled rant and how much of it is OMG COMEDY LOL, I'll be more serious in my reply, just in case you couldn't catch a few things about the structure of the game.

Grand Prix mode is supposed to give every car their rightful advantages, with the AI simply becoming a lot more aggressive in higher difficulties. Story Mode is MEANT to poo poo in your proverbial cereal with the odds of the crushing technological demon construct stacked against your pitiful human soul. So yeah, Story Mode is usually REALLY loving HARD, but there's always a KEY to each mission that, with a little manual skill, will probably guarantee a win. And yes, it IS possible to win without cheating.

It is not my fault that you are simply an inferior gamer.

Edit: Also, FYI you unlock the Arcade courses by beating the Grand Prix cups on Master, not the Story Missions.

dalamar
Sep 28, 2001


quote:

Nipple Bandit came out of the closet to say:
Tell me, please, why does the GAME have to win? Huh? What happens when the game wins and I lose? Is there some huge loving kegger waiting for it when it gets done? Is there money involved? Or perhaps the motives are more sinister. Maybe the game's family is being held hostage by another game and that game has it's cock in F-Zero's wife's mouth and he's holding a cell phone up to her and F-Zero can hear her pained moans and cries for help and the rear end in a top hat game then says, "You beat that cock-sucking human, or I'll blow her brains out." I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT. I CAN BE SYMPATHETIC.
The whole post is wonderful, but this even moreso.

Personally I'm fighting the temptation to get this game - it sounds great, but I'm still smarting from when I got burned on the slip-n'-slide festival that was F-Zero X. The challenge makes it even more intruiging though, since people seemed to find Mario Sunshine really hard and I had no problem with it. Must resist...

Mamoscott
Aug 31, 2000

"If there is any justice in the world, to be a White Sox fan frees a man from any other form of penance."

None of the F-Zero games have been cakewalks, so I'm not sure why the difficulty of GX is so upsetting or surprising. It's made by the same development team at Sega that worked on both Super Monkey Ball titles, and we all know how forgiving those games were.

Mamoscott fucked around with this message at Sep 22, 2003 around 11:04

Corin Tucker's Stalker
May 27, 2001


One bullet. One gun. Six Chambers. These are my friends.


Is chapter 7 hard or something? You kind of skirted around the issue.

(great rant)

J
Jun 10, 2001



The game is brutally hard, but I just wish the difficulty came from the other drivers using a great racing line, as opposed to cheating their asses off. Is it really necessary to give them infinite loving boost? Come on now.

Mario Incandenza
Aug 24, 2000

Tell me, small fry, have you ever heard of the golden Triumph Forks?

I'm stuck on Story Mode 3 (easy). I'm hoping that it proves similar to Super Monkey Ball, in that when I finally nail it, it's not difficult to repeat.

quote:

Belfast came out of the closet to say:
It is not my fault that you are simply an inferior gamer.
:rolleyes:

Good work man.

Sanschel
Aug 9, 2002



quote:

Lacool came out of the closet to say:


I can't believe so many people break their consoles/controllers. I try more than anybody, and I'm more dissapointed, but I never break my equipment. The worst I've ever done was Goldeneye on one of those cheat unlocking missions. I lost by a second so I grabbed my mom's car key and threw it throwing knife style at the wall. It hit perfectly and stuck. I pulled it out, and the hole remains, although no one has ever noticed it.

Moral: Break things other than your equipment.
I never actually broke it (I've never broken anything relating to my consoles on purpose), but I did kick it into the sofa, which was two rooms away. I have however made several large dents in my desk, but luckily I've got one of those writing mats on it so I can easily cover those up.

Cojaan
Jul 7, 2003

by SpokkerJones


I LOVE COCK SUCKING MONKEYS! THATS WHO THIS GAME WAS MADE FOR! THEY COULD BEAT IT IN 3.2 seconds! Yours just below monkeys! Thats why you can't win! omg rant rant rant.

----------------
This thread brought to you by a tremendous dickhead!

Admiral Lasers
Dec 10, 2000



This post makes me feel all the better for having finished the whole of Story Mode.

The way you were going on about Black Shadow, though, makes one wonder if you know that it's quite simple to destroy his machine right at the start, with two well-timed side attacks as he tries to pass you for the first time. Takes a bit of practice, though, but it's right at the start, so if you miss you can just retry (pulling the camera all the way out helps). After that, try your damnedest to do the same to Blood Falcon and as many of the other leaders as you can and you've got a relatively decent chance.

Edit: By the way, just so you know, levels 8 and 9 are a lot easier.

Admiral Lasers fucked around with this message at Sep 22, 2003 around 12:30

LorneReams
Jun 27, 2003
I'm bizarre

quote:

horseness came out of the closet to say:
drat. I beat the THIRD chapter after the 2934830953034th try and jizz shot out of my cock. I haven't even tried the fourth because there are sharp knives in my kitchen that can be conviently used to slit my wrists.

ps. i laughed. 5.

I broke the game at mission 3. I must have gotten the impossible version. EB wouldn't take it back :(

TwitchCannon
Jul 12, 2002

It's all about versatility, honey - I'm a pitcher and a catcher.

quote:

The_Great_Sheep came out of the closet to say:
This is the most beautiful post in the history of the world.

Greatest thing in the world to wake up too, this thread is.

TwitchCannon fucked around with this message at Sep 22, 2003 around 12:28

Finite
Jan 9, 2003

What do you mean mullets aren't fashionable?!?

I do not own a Nintendo GameCube
I do not play F-Zero
I do not know who Blackshadow is

However, this post may have just caused me severe internal haemmoraging.


quote:

Well gently caress that noise, you lopsided frankenfaced fuckfurter.

I am so recording this for future use! 5.

[oMa]Whackster
Sep 13, 2000
Forum Veteran

I've never played this game, but for the flashbacks you've produced of me kicking my C64 on some shittily stupid hard games back in the day, you're now my favourite Games poster

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LorneReams
Jun 27, 2003
I'm bizarre

They don't make controllers like they used too. Atari and NES controllers were in-loving-destuctable.

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