F-Zero Story Mode Chapter 7: It's not any fun unless I can win, you faggots

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > F-Zero Story Mode Chapter 7: It's not any fun unless I can win, you faggots

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polygon_monkey: Nov 28, 2000; I'm Quadro-spazzed
on a life-glug.

Chapter 7 is sitting there, ready to be unlocked. I will sometime but I don't think I'm ready for that yet.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 13:49

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# ? Apr 27, 2024 02:39

workingdogv1: Jul 10, 2001

quote:

Finite came out of the closet to say:
I do not own a Nintendo GameCube
I do not play F-Zero
I do not know who Blackshadow is

However, this post may have just caused me severe internal haemmoraging.

I am so recording this for future use! 5.

Agreed, frankenfaced fuckfurter is a pure classic.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 14:11

BigDaddySeany: Mar 4, 2003; by Lowtax

quote:

Bonk came out of the closet to say:
Burnout 2's Championship mode was a bit like that. You have to get gold on 1 track, then 2 in a row, then 3, 4, and 5, all in a row. When you get to the last Grand Prix, you have to come in first on 6 tracks in a row. You can't save between races in Grand Prix either. It's either gold medal on all races in the set, or you don't unlock the next feature. It starts off pretty easy, but as you get near 4 or 5 in a row, they get disgustingly good and only a near-perfect race is going to beat them. You get to 6, and crashing once in the entire race means the next car can get 8 seconds ahead of you easy.

You are right in that the game gets really tough, but I was able to reset the game and continue the gran prix where I left off. It made the game a lot easier for me. I played the Director's Cut version on the XBOX though, so I'm not sure if they changed anything.

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# ? Sep 22, 2003 14:38

Utnayan: Sep 26, 2002; PROUD MEMBER OF THE RAPIST DEFENSE BRIGADE! DO NOT BE MEAN TO RAPISTS, OR I WILL VOTE FOR THEM WITH EVER INCREASING VIGOR!

This is one of the funniest things I have ever read.

5 for you good sir.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 15:08

isocahedron: Feb 27, 2001; by Fistgrrl

I did not find the post funny, voted 1

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# ? Sep 22, 2003 16:22

Shalinor: Jun 10, 2002; _{Can I buy you a rootbeer?}

quote:

isocahedron came out of the closet to say:
I did not find the post funny, voted 1

He pours his soul out to you, in what is quite possibly one of the best rants and whines to ever grace the face of the digital earth, and you poo poo on him. Shame on you, sir, shame!

A++, would watch Nipple Bandit's sanity fall apart into little pieces and collapse to the floor laughing hysterically again.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 16:26

Mr. P: May 22, 2001

quote:

isocahedron came out of the closet to say:
I did not find the post funny, voted 1

quote:

Fistgrrl came out of the closet to say:
4. AquaVita - Voted 1 and posted to tell us about it

:keke:

That said, I liked the rant though I haven't played F-Zero yet.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 16:35

neato burrito: Aug 25, 2002; bitch better have my chex mix

I fear what I would do with this game, as NFL 2K4 left my beagle with a limp in its rear left paw after run-in with a stray xbox controller. :(

# ? Sep 22, 2003 16:38

Fatty_McLumpkin: Sep 30, 2002; Oh I loooove going to the mooon ahaha ahhhahaaa

quote:

Nipple Bandit came out of the closet to say:
Dear Nintendo:
BUT HO HO HO THIS TIME HE'S MEGA-COCK, THE FASTEST human being IN THE WORLD. 1.21 GIGAWATTS MARTY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE loving FUTURE.

oh my god....

you just earned yourself a dollar for that one :lol::lol::lol::lol:

# ? Sep 22, 2003 16:43

Boy Wunder: Dec 2, 2000

quote:

isocahedron came out of the closet to say:
I did not find the post funny, voted 1

o rly

As to the original post, I share your sentiment. Playing some of the story missions are akin to being sodomized with a traffic pylon. Has anyone actually found these missions to be fun and didn't play them just to unlock new poo poo and say that you beat it? Don't get me wrong; I love the game. It's just that these missions don't come anywhere close to being fun for me and they aren't worth the frustration.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 17:39

Deathmeister: Sep 13, 2003; by Lowtax

I'm reading all these replies one by one, but I am still laughing my loving rear end off at the rant itself. Gj sir.

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# ? Sep 22, 2003 17:46

Verno5x: Aug 23, 2003; CRAFT OR DIE

In before Goldmine!

P.S. gently caress story mission 6.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 17:53

BDA7DD: Jan 21, 2001; by Tiny Fistpump

Best. Rant. Ever.

I haven't played F-Zero GX yet, but now I'm sort of questioning whether or not to buy it. I hate it when racing games pull this bullshit. It's like the developers say "hey, let's make the CPU racers loving INFALLABLE so we don't have to spend time creating a sophisticated AI engine!"

If there's one thing I hate about a lot of games, it's cheating AI bots. HEY GAME DEVELOPERS, IT'S POSSIBLE TO ACTUALLY MAKE AI "GOOD" WITHOUT RESORTING TO CHEATING BOTS. Unreal Tournament is one of those games that did AI properly, and that game's almost four years old now. Even the Godlike bots are prone to "human error." You can load up a botmatch in Unreal Tournament with a bunch of Godlike bots and it'll feel just like playing against a bunch of good human players. So why can't game developers nowadays give us that same kind of experience, that same sense of playing against "human-like" bots?

Oh, and this thread brings back painful memories of the original F-Zero. I'd be BLAZING down the track, overtaking tons of those generic racers one after another, but when I turn a corner and collide with one of those explosive generic racers, Captain loving Falcon zooms past me as I'm trying to recover, as if he's been on my six this whole time without me even noticing.

quote:

Finger came out of the closet to say:
Paging Fragmaster for some voice work. Please.

This is what must be done.

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# ? Sep 22, 2003 18:11

bagina: Jul 21, 2003; Oh shi...

quote:

BDA7DD came out of the closet to say:
Unreal Tournament is one of those games that did AI properly, and that game's almost four years old now. Even the Godlike bots are prone to "human error." You can load up a botmatch in Unreal Tournament with a bunch of Godlike bots and it'll feel just like playing against a bunch of good human players.

Another thing that UT did very well was to have adaptive difficulty level with the bots. The better you got, the better they got. Didn't take long for the game to even out and still be a decent challenge. I am somewhat surprised that more games did not use the adaptive modle for single player games.

And FWIW, even on the F-Zero for SNES, there was some impossible poo poo in that game that only became possible once you learned "the trick". Learning "the trick" was sometimes painfully difficult. Executing the trick evey lap was often worse.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 18:51

THE BOMBINATRIX: Jul 26, 2002; by Lowtax

Please start writing for the main page.

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# ? Sep 22, 2003 19:01

Nipple Bandit: Feb 4, 2003

quote:

bagina came out of the closet to say:
And FWIW, even on the F-Zero for SNES, there was some impossible poo poo in that game that only became possible once you learned "the trick". Learning "the trick" was sometimes painfully difficult. Executing the trick evey lap was often worse.

Any insight as to what "the trick" is for Chapter 7?

# ? Sep 22, 2003 19:11

impossible!: Sep 18, 2000; Sic semper tyrannis

After reading some of the replies in here, one would think none of you have ever played a classic video game. That sort of poo poo was standard back during the 8-bit and 16-bit days. We got hosed crooked by our games as kids and LIKED it.

Regardless, great post, hearty laughs, etc.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 19:13

Orgophlax: Aug 26, 2002

quote:

Nipple Bandit came out of the closet to say:
Any insight as to what "the trick" is for Chapter 7?

Sacrifice a goat to th Pagan Gods, and even then it's not a lock.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 19:34

clockworkjoe: May 31, 2000; Rolled a 1 on the random encounter table, didn't you?

Nipple Bandit:

That post is AWESOME.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 19:36

Voodoo: Jun 3, 2003; m2sbr what

Man, I haven't set myself up for videogame induced pain for a while now. Since my GC is just collecting dust on the shelf, I might have to look into this!

# ? Sep 22, 2003 19:41

Beldar: Nov 7, 2002; I like adventure.

I can't even unlock the loving diamond cup (that halfpipe track kills me every drat time), much less attempt chapter 7.

P.S. Your rant made my day.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 19:47

Lakitu7: Jul 10, 2001; Watch for spinys

The difficulty of F-ZeroX made me not play it and not buy this one. 'Sounds like I made the right move.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 19:58

Hazed_blue: May 14, 2002

quote:

J came out of the closet to say:
The game is brutally hard, but I just wish the difficulty came from the other drivers using a great racing line, as opposed to cheating their asses off. Is it really necessary to give them infinite loving boost? Come on now.

They actually don't have infinite boost. If you watch on Chapter 7 as well as some courses on Master, AI controlled cars will boost themselves into the red on a fairly regular basis.

Now that's not to say that they don't have ungodly steer correction to hit boosts and energy replenishment, but they certainly abide by the boost rules.

That said, I have a terrible time on Chapter 7 Very Hard as well. I've gotten 2, 3, 4, and 5 out of the way and I'm having a blast trying to beat 9. Getting really close, but I have yet to master the "hill boost" that was illustrated in Daemonite's video.

Loved the rant though, that was awesome.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 20:24

Jorath: Jul 9, 2001

Bah!

In my day we bitched about the last level of RC ProAM and we LIKED IT!

[nt]

# ? Sep 22, 2003 20:30

Beldar: Nov 7, 2002; I like adventure.

quote:

Lakitu7 came out of the closet to say:
The difficulty of F-ZeroX made me not play it and not buy this one. 'Sounds like I made the right move.

Even though I kill myself (almost literally) trying to win races, that doesn't mean I don't have a freaking blast doing it.

Although, if you sucked rear end at F-Zero X, and didn't think it was fun because you sucked, then you'll certainly not have fun with F-Zero GC based on your suckitude.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 20:37

Lakitu7: Jul 10, 2001; Watch for spinys

Yeah, I don't intend that as any attack on the game(s)... just that they're a little more hardcore than I'd care to participate in.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 20:54

l33t b4c0n: Aug 19, 2000; King of E/N

quote:

Beldar came out of the closet to say:
I can't even unlock the loving diamond cup (that halfpipe track kills me every drat time), much less attempt chapter 7.

P.S. Your rant made my day.

Amen. I am able to beat all three cups on Novice, but after that forget it.

I agree with this thread. I love F-Zero and I'm having a blast with it, but there's only so much of a challenge I can take. Trying a race over 50+ times is not fun. I had the same problem with The Resident Evil remake. There comes a point when the game becomes so much of a challenge that it's just not fun to play anymore. And if a game isn't fun then why play it?

l33t b4c0n fucked around with this message at 21:51 on Sep 22, 2003

# ? Sep 22, 2003 21:48

Bilgewater: Jul 6, 2003; Pissy jorts.

I too, am stuck on Story Mode Chapter 7. I think you speak for us all when you say

quote:

Well gently caress that noise, you lopsided frankenfaced fuckfurter.

This is definitely one of the greatest things I've read.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 21:53

ballsman: Jun 16, 2003; a fuckin bomb; Grimey Drawer

Best. Rant. Ever.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 22:10

FlyingGimp: Sep 17, 2003; From Outer Space!

I'm also only to mission 3, and I QUIT right there after umpteen bazillion tries.

I could nab first place on the first lap, and after that IT'S DOWN TO TWENTY. WHAT THE HELL!? It's like as soon as I hit the second lap every driver switched out and got replaced by some random RACING DIETY all of which proceed to first place with no effort!

If 7 is that hard maybe I should trade this game in for something else, otherwise I may end up planting my fist in my TV.

For those of you who actually got past 3... HOW?

How much blood did you offer to what demonic entity, because apparently I need his help too!

Also: Wonderful rant, I nearly spit all over my monitor laughing.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 22:19

Dillinger: Feb 28, 2003; I KIK HEDZ. I TOLD U I WUZ HARDCORE.

Posting again to say this thing doesn't stop being funny. ever.

Get angry more often and write for the frontpage.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 22:22

Schmendrick: Aug 22, 2003; (Insert stupid MMO name here.)

This game is the loving Mario Sunshine of 2003!! I hate it so god-drat much!!

What I want to know is WHY the Fat loving Shark, a giant car with a D-ranked Grip, is easier to handle than Big Fang, a medium car with an A-ranked Grip that slides like a loving whore, and goes ballistic if it hits stuff!? Sega/Nintendo seriously raped Big Fang, and a lot of the other cars in this game because BF was amazing to use in the last game (F-Zero X). Now it just sucks.

Half of the cars you have to get in GX aren't even worth the frustration you have to put up with in Story Mode. The Spark Moon's like Falcon's car, but sucks with handling; and Silver Rat can't even hit 1000+ without boosters. I don't want to even imagine Groovy Taxi or Magic Seagull's craptacular skills since I'll probably never get those pieces of poo poo.

It's as if Story Mode's a freaking punishment for not having an arcade near you. If this game came out with the console<->arcade feature FIVE OR SEVEN loving YEARS AGO WHEN ARCADES USED TO BE AROUND, it would have worked out. Does Nintendo even care about their [non-fanboy, casual] fans when they think of these retarded gimmicks!?

If this makes anyone happy, the EGM reviewers (one of the few honest mags out there unlike Game "Kiss rear end" Informer and GamePro) didn't give F-Zero GX any awards (It got a 9, 7.5, and 7). Take a guess why the other two didn't like it that much...I dare you...

Anway, great rant.

Edit: Forgot to mention how much Black Shadow sucks rear end. I hate that fucker even if I am lucky enough to kill him. The same goes for Blood Falcon.

Schmendrick fucked around with this message at 02:26 on Sep 23, 2003

# ? Sep 22, 2003 23:11

FLaMEagle: Feb 3, 2003; Mmmm... just so damn juicy...

quote:

FlyingGimp came out of the closet to say:
For those of you who actually got past 3... HOW?

How much blood did you offer to what demonic entity, because apparently I need his help too!

No blood of mine was splattered, thankfully (can't say the same for my friends who were sitting next to me...).

I beat level 3 by making my vehicle have max acceleration. For some reason, it affected everything. Try it. Also, use strafe/slide.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 23:24

Dillinger: Feb 28, 2003; I KIK HEDZ. I TOLD U I WUZ HARDCORE.

quote:

Schmendrick came out of the closet to say:

It's as if Story Mode's a freaking punishment for not having an arcade near you. If this game came out with the console<->arcade feature FIVE OR SEVEN loving YEARS AGO WHEN ARCADES USED TO BE AROUND, it would have worked out. Does Nintendo even care about their [non-fanboy, casual] fans when they think of these retarded gimmicks!?

Mabye cause they're trying to revive the arcade industry?

It's the arcade's fault you don't have one, not Nintendo and Sega.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 23:42

almostfearless: Aug 1, 2003; Inspiral, Coalescence, Ringdown

quote:

Nipple Bandit came out of the closet to say:
BUT HO HO HO THIS TIME HE'S MEGA-COCK, THE FASTEST human being IN THE WORLD. 1.21 GIGAWATTS MARTY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE loving FUTURE.

Ahahahahahahaha yes. Great rant. You are a wonderfully angry man.

# ? Sep 22, 2003 23:48

Nipple Bandit: Feb 4, 2003

quote:

Dillinger came out of the closet to say:
It's the arcade's fault you don't have one, not Nintendo and Sega.

It's sad, really, because I was looking forward to taking my memory card to my arcade and getting the license card and racing my custom machines and all that gimmicky horseshit. One, two dollars a pop; I wouldn't care. I guess I should be thankful there's an alternate method to unlocking everything in the game because from the looks of things it seems the F-Zero AX arcade machine is a creature of myth.

# ? Sep 23, 2003 00:05

Pidge: Feb 27, 2003; hay guys i am back and ready for war lol

I have created a sound file for my favorite paragraph and will deliver it as soon as I can find hosting (will be soon). I laughed so hard at this rant I feel it deserves a .wav

# ? Sep 23, 2003 00:13

Schmendrick: Aug 22, 2003; (Insert stupid MMO name here.)

quote:

Dillinger came out of the closet to say:

Mabye cause they're trying to revive the arcade industry?

It's the arcade's fault you don't have one, not Nintendo and Sega.

:GB2GameFAQs:

Um...WHAT ARCADE INDUSTRY, DUDE!? It does NOT exist anymore, or the remaining places refuse to get new stuff in. Unless you can name some places for me to check in the Philly/Willow Grove area where I won't have to go to freaking New Jersey or California to find it and SNK vs. Capcom: Chaos, most of the places around me are dead, or are dying where they won't get any more games in the Philly area.

Seriously, the arcade industry is permanently DEAD!! Nintendo does not give a drat if it dies. Neither does Sega. They only care about making more money from Nintendo's stupid gimmick(s) with F-Zero and whatever game will suffer from more retarded gimmicks. There are only two arcades I am near in my area, but I know they definitely won't get that piece of poo poo game in (I definitely know one place won't get it, and Dave & Busters in Philly isn't great with getting games). It's like a "gently caress You" message from Nintendo/Sega by making most of the people go through the Hell that's Story Mode since most people are NOT NEAR AN ARCADE. And Nintendo/Sega wonder why people are upset with them!?

You're living in a dreamworld if arcades are still alive because 98% of the places around Philadelphia, Willow Grove, Bucks County, and Montgomery County are gone. There's no way in loving Hell I am going to travel 3 hours away to unlock lame-rear end cars like Groovy Taxi or Magic Seagull that probably suck rear end when used on any course.

# ? Sep 23, 2003 00:15

Reverend Stupid: Aug 7, 2003

This game is very frustrating, so I had to buy the little Nintendo Power guide book they sell for $14.95 (haven't done that since the super Nintendo days). I'm also stuck on Chapter 7, but this guide does help a bit.

Some things they recommend for Chapter 7:

- Use your boost (on laps 2/3) when going off the first ledge. If you are going fast enough you can clear that T-shaped pool of lava, thus giving you a small lead.

- Use spin turns on those sharp corners. That means using your spin attack and then pressing L or R to turn. Works pretty well, but takes a bit of practice.

For those of you stuck on Chapter 4, try luring the other vehicles to the edge of the road. Then use your boost and spin attack the front part of their vehicles. Usually that destroys a group of em' if they are all bunched together.

Hope that helps a bit.

# ? Sep 23, 2003 00:20

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# ? Apr 27, 2024 02:39

Schizoguy: Mar 1, 2002; I have so many things on my social calendar these days, it is difficult to know which you are making reference to, in particular.

Battletoads pissed me off so much I quit the game for 9 years

Then I picked it back up, realized that the snake level still ate up all but 1 of my lives, just so I could live three seconds in the fire jet level and have my rear end kicked.

Haven't played since.

# ? Sep 23, 2003 00:22

The Something Awful Forums > Archives > Comedy Goldmine > F-Zero Story Mode Chapter 7: It's not any fun unless I can win, you faggots

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