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Nipple Bandit
Feb 4, 2003


Dear Nintendo:
YOUR COCKSUCKING PRODUCT HAS REDUCED ME TO A GIBBERING MAN-APE WHOSE ONLY RESORT TO DEALING WITH THE ALMIGHTY loving GRIEF IT'S BESTOWED UPON ME IS TO SCREAM AND HURT MYSELF.

Seriously, I am jumping up and down and throwing my poo poo in handfuls at the loving television in some impotent primal effort to get the thing to work. I have been sitting here trying to enjoy your product - YOUR PRODUCT, YOUR GAME, YOUR CONTRACT BETWEEN DEVELOPER AND CONSUMER THAT THE CONSUMER WILL ENJOY YOUR PRODUCT - but instead the drat thing's been crawling out of the console and taking warm shits in my gaping mouth. Swear to god, you should have just added a little door to the console through which a hand pops out and flips me off, because I am insulted that your QA or testers or whatever brainless shitstove three genes short of a monkey FAGNUT signs your games through thought that a person with more than a single loving digit IQ could enjoy Story Mode Chapter 7. INSULTED.

WORK WITH ME HERE: The goal's simple enough! Come in first! Hey, that's fine, it's just like playing the grand loving prix; not a problem! Only deal is your cross-eyed team of tongue-slapping wunderkind decided to give the game every single loving advantage possible TO THE GAME rather than me.

How in the gently caress does Black Shadow - whose car is the heaviest and lamest piece of poo poo next to the Crazy Bear - suddenly become SO loving GOOD that he can stay in first without using a drop of boost? Huh!? Why!? You never see this shithead anywhere near the top loving 20 in a normal race. BUT HO HO HO THIS TIME HE'S MEGA-COCK, THE FASTEST enjoyable human being IN THE WORLD. 1.21 GIGAWATTS MARTY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE loving FUTURE.

But it's not just Black Shadow with the magical powers, it's the entire loving lineup of racers! THEY'RE ALL FASTER THAN YOU. AND DON'T REQUIRE ANY BOOST.

But but but I of course, am still driving some piece of poo poo hamster-powered jalopy who guzzles it's entire energy bar in no less than four loving boosts! Add to this the entire course just got shitted on by some retarded space tiki volacano god and you've got a course full of hazards that'll drain at least 1/4 of your energy bar JUST BECAUSE IT CAN. WHOOPIE.

HURRR, you say. THAT'S JUST THE CHALLENGE. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE EASY. Well gently caress that noise, you lopsided frankenfaced fuckfurter.

Tell me, please, why does the GAME have to win? Huh? What happens when the game wins and I lose? Is there some huge loving kegger waiting for it when it gets done? Is there money involved? Or perhaps the motives are more sinister. Maybe the game's family is being held hostage by another game and that game has it's cock in F-Zero's wife's mouth and he's holding a cell phone up to her and F-Zero can hear her pained moans and cries for help and the rear end in a top hat game then says, "You beat that cock-sucking human, or I'll blow her brains out." I COULD UNDERSTAND THAT. I CAN BE SYMPATHETIC.

It's not any fun if I can't win, you faggots. I want to move on. I want to unlock whatever piece of poo poo clown car you have hidden away from me so I can start racing and get pissed off with that too. When your game prevents me from fully enjoying the product I have bought you have failed in your loving mission to deliver a game. You lose! You break the contract! You contract the gay and loving DIE DIE DIE.

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Nipple Bandit
Feb 4, 2003


quote:

bagina came out of the closet to say:
And FWIW, even on the F-Zero for SNES, there was some impossible poo poo in that game that only became possible once you learned "the trick". Learning "the trick" was sometimes painfully difficult. Executing the trick evey lap was often worse.
Any insight as to what "the trick" is for Chapter 7?

Nipple Bandit
Feb 4, 2003


quote:

Dillinger came out of the closet to say:
It's the arcade's fault you don't have one, not Nintendo and Sega.
It's sad, really, because I was looking forward to taking my memory card to my arcade and getting the license card and racing my custom machines and all that gimmicky horseshit. One, two dollars a pop; I wouldn't care. I guess I should be thankful there's an alternate method to unlocking everything in the game because from the looks of things it seems the F-Zero AX arcade machine is a creature of myth.

Nipple Bandit
Feb 4, 2003


To alleviate my anger I fooled around in the emblem editor and made myself a FYAD mobile.









IT IS POWERED SOLELY BY LOL

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